SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious - why do you refuse to stop talking to her? You don't need to discuss the particulars of the divorce with her. Why can't you stay away from her?

I engage because I do. I still am livin in the same house and we talk about things and then it leads to the other conversations. I am not to going just blow her off. Since she is not being rude. I know it sounds weak but again I can't be a bitter bitch to her.

It will be easier when we are apart.

Last night she was in her happy place. She is finding her soft side and living in the present moment.

Anyone have suggestions on how to control the obsessive why, what if, thoughts.

I trying to look good, workout, I took a class, spending time with the kids, trying to be away, ect but still I having a hard time detaching and letting go even though it is obvious that she is done.

I have not accepted it yet.

Felco,

\but still I having a hard time detaching and letting go even though it is obvious that she is done.

here is a link to some places to start

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284&AP=101

I engage because I do. I still am livin in the same house and we talk about things and then it leads to the other conversations. I am not to going just blow her off. Since she is not being rude. I know it sounds weak but again I can't be a bitter bitch to her.

It will be easier when we are apart.

It is weak. Sorry, but it is. You are not doing it to not be rude. You are doing it in the hope that she 'suddenly' realizes what a great guy you are and changes her mind. Do you know what will make her realize that? NOT HAVING YOU AS A BUDDY!!!

Anyone have suggestions on how to control the obsessive why, what if, thoughts.

I trying to look good, workout, I took a class, spending time with the kids, trying to be away, ect but still I having a hard time detaching and letting go even though it is obvious that she is done.

I have not accepted it yet.

Same answer - stop being her friend. Start your life without her. Get away from her.

You think anything other than the very happiest behavior is bitter. That's ridiculous.

Have you even read other threads here? Ones where the BS stood up for him/herself, did a real 180, and within a week the WS was begging for the marriage back? That's because the WS realized what they were losing. How did that happen?

BECAUSE THE BS WALKED AWAY AND REFUSED TO SUPPORT OR BE FRIENDS WITH THE WS. THEY CUT THEM OFF.

Your wife has not missed you for one minute. The days you actually stayed away from her she started to come around, and you jumped back. Immediately, she went back to her old ways because now she knows she can always have you.

Felco, I don't know why you won't see how damaging your behavior is, or why you believe you know more than the 40,000 members here, but good luck to you. I hope you're the one person that has success by sucking up and being nice to a cheater.

180 is not intended to win back your spouse. 180 is for you, and is about you.

It is to allow you to take care of you, find yourself, and get some distance from the situation, and this will help you to accept the fact that she is done.

It is true that many Spouses wake up when they realize the BS is finding strength, and functioning well without engaging the other spouse. That is a benefit for some, and for others it is a curse.

You not engaging her in conversation, and sex isn't about being a jerk. It IS about you demanding the respect you deserve, and as long as she is making you a choice, and pining for this other asshole, then you shouldn't be happy to be nice to her.

You do realize that she single handedly destroyed your M? She chose to F a married man. Where is your anger and outrage. Quit gobbling up her little bits of attention kibbles. I bet if she came to you at this point and said, I don't want to loose my home, my time with my kids, and my lifestyle, and want to stay married, you would be more than happy to rugsweep the whole thing.

CAREFUL, that is a guaranteed trip to repeat land.

Get pissed, get mad, get outraged, and then step away from her. No discussions about anything other than finances, and kids. This is why is so essential to get her out of the home.

Right now she is playing you like a fiddle.

((((STRENGTH))))

Painfulpast, although I agree that it would be in Felco's best interest to do the 180 and detach, detach, detach, I disagree with you on the reasons why we do the 180.

We don't do the 180 for this to happen:

You are doing it in the hope that she 'suddenly' realizes what a great guy you are and changes her mind.

It may happen, but that isn't the reason to do the 180. We do the 180 to detach emotionally from an unremorseful WS. We do the 180 to protect ourselves emotionally. We do the 180 to get strong and to heal. We do the 180 for ourselves and we don't do it to get any reactions from anyone.

Felco, I would highly recommend you do the 180. You don't have to be bitter and rude doing the 180. The 180 doesn't encourage you to be rude, it encourages you to be polite. Like you would be polite to any stranger. It doesn't encourage you to be bitter, it encourages you to live your life and have fun. It encourages you to be healthy. Good luck, Felco, and please re-read the 180 and implement it for your sake, to protect yourself.

I hear what you are saying, I get strong and then weak. Ups and downs. I told her she needs to look for a place. She is in the process but is unsure how much she can afford due to be CS and SPouce support.

I need to stop talking!!!!

I am agrees that I get weak and know the answer but follow my heart.

I do trust you all on here it's I get caught up in the moment.

You are right she is wanting me to be a friend because she really doesn't have anyone to lean on except her coworkers.

I will do a hard 180. It is hard to be a nice man...

I will be strong.

I said he was talking to her in the hopes that such a thing would happen, not that he was doing the 180 for it.

please don't confuse my 2 messages - the first is that as long as Felco is feeding her the cake, she won't stop cake eating.

My second on his question of detaching, which is getting away from her.

EDIT - sorry, i did make a comment about BSs doing the 180 and the WS comes running back. That is NOT to mean the 180 is a guarantee that the WS comes back. That was more about doing the exact opposite. WSs don't run back to what never left. That was my point.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:10 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

You all are great. I wish I had you on my shoulder. I see her getting stength when I am weak. The push pull.

I am really going to focus on detaching. I finally realize that she is done and there is nothing I can do.

I will be ok on my own.

Painful is very direct and I need the 2x4

You all are great. I wish I had you on my shoulder. I see her getting stength when I am weak. The push pull.

I am really going to focus on detaching. I finally realize that she is done and there is nothing I can do.

I will be ok on my own.

Painful is very direct and I need the 2x4

You all are great. I wish I had you on my shoulder. I see her getting stength when I am weak. The push pull.

I am really going to focus on detaching. I finally realize that she is done and there is nothing I can do.

I will be ok on my own.

Painful is very direct and I need the 2x4

Ahhhh, I see how I misread your sentence, painfulpast. I wasn't confusing your 2 messages. The way you worded the sentence and where it was placed, it was easy to misinterpret.

How do I respond if she asks me " why all of a sudden you don't want to talk"?

Tell her that for you to heal and move forward in your life without her that you can't be friends with her. That it will stop your healing. Tell her she fired you from that job, you were her husband and friend, but she fired you from those jobs.

I will do a hard 180. It is hard to be a nice man...

Actually, it is easy to be the nice guy. You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Doing the 180 makes you a stronger person. You need to be in a position of strength to make very important life decisions, especially concerning your children.

How do I respond if she asks me " why all of a sudden you don't want to talk"?

Tell her you will only talk about the custody and dividing marital assets with her. For everything else in life she can go fucking "google" it.

You really need to get her ass out of the household, more for your own and the children's stability. Find a way to make that happen and as soon as possible.

We are on your shoulder - we're here all the time.

As far as responding, just say "I'm getting used to my life without you. You've proven you aren't my friend, as my friends don't lie to me or hurt me, so there's really no reason to talk other than about our child. As far as I'm concerned, you aren't here."

Also, right now you're letting her learn to not be your wife, but she still has you. She's learning a new relationship with you, and that's bad - very bad. If you want any hope of your marriage, you cannot let her learn a new relationship. It's either marriage or nothing.

These games she's playing are just feeding her ego while she pines for OM. Show her what she's really doing - losing a great guy for some stupid twin flame theory.

Honestly, I've never heard anything so stupid. And saying he isn't ready to be together. She's a moron. You're sucking up to a very stupid woman. She's a joke. You should start to see her as such.

I will do a hard 180. It is hard to be a nice man...

I will be strong.

We know how incredibly difficult it is, Felco. We were there and many of us (like me) are still there to some extent. Yes, you will be strong, and when you weaken, it is because you are a kind person, and because you are human. Just get right back up and don't beat yourself up over it. It's a long, excruciatingly slow process. The relationship roots are very deep, and this is profoundly disorienting and traumatic.

why all of a sudden you don't want to talk"?

Because I just realized my wife is the enemy. She is a monster who stomped on my heart. In fact, not talking is keeping me from calling you the "monster cum guzzling man whore bitch" you deserve to be called. So if you want to have that conversation lets have it.

My guess is she wont ask that question again.

You need to find your pissed, your line in the sand, I wont take this disrespect anymore,. NOW!

Take back your dignity, find your value, don't accept this life.

Added: Or what sister said up there^^^^^

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 11:34 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Another guy who enjoys being played the fool.

I told her she needs to look for a place. She is in the process but is unsure how much she can afford due to be CS and SPouce support.

Why do you care? Tell her to have the OM pay for her apartment. If he's her "Twin Flame" then there should be no problem with his shelling out some support money.

Seriously, of course it's hard to detach. She's in front of you every day while still in love with someone else. Stop letting it happen. Stand up for yourself and tell her to get out.

Look. You are married. Either she's in the marriage or she's out. There's no in between. It's fine if she has decided that she's out - but then she doesn't get the comfort of being in. No warm bed. No hanging with the family. No gifts. No pleasant discussions.

You didn't marry her to be her buddy. Stop acting like one.