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Oh Felco! A breakthrough~

She came to apologize this morning and said we can do whatever is best for the kids. Can we cohabitate in the house. NO!! I am done and moving on.

I filed for D today.

Very sad time for me.

Looking at putting the house for sale.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your heart is sad. I so know what that is about.

You will need to grieve the loss of your marriage. Please try to lick your wounds in private. No more fodder for her to twist around and injure you. She has proved that she is not worthy of your heartfelt emotions.

I am very proud of you for standing your ground. Focus your anger and sadness, let it propel you to the next positive steps for you and your littles. And it sounds like you are making some headway!

Stay the course, continue to protect your heart with the 180 as a guiding tool.

We are rooting for you my dear Felco. There is so much more in the world for a loving man with a true heart.

Be kind to yourself.

WW became very upset about that and started panicing and threatening me with BS.

Does she realize she'll likely be deported? You have to report that you filed for D or you're breaking the law. Go back and read Cayc's post about that.

Your WW really isn't in a position to make threats.

Document everything; keep a little journal. Consider having a VAR for when you two are together. You wouldn't be the first BH a desperate WW accused of abuse.

It's going to be hard to stay this course if she starts spewing apologies and promises. It's too late for that.

Keep to your plan. Keep detaching and keep up the 180. Established yourself in a position of strength where you're comfortable without her.

Then, only if she comes back snot blubberingly remorseful, you can decide what's best for you. Recovery or moving onto a better relationship with a healthier spouse.

You're on the right path.

Yesterday I had someone serve my wife. She was reactive at first and then I guess calmed down.

She was pleasant when I came home last night.

She mentioned in a text to my friend that she does not want to continue dragging me through this.

I am trying hard to be strong and fight those needy feelings...tough.

I again spoke to her friends just to see if she had mentioned if there was any indication of our marriage being in trouble before the affair.

They both said there was no talk about it. Odd because she is a very open person. BTW, they both are on team "Felco"!

I know I am searching for answers.

I am frustrated that she never came to me before all this in a mature calm manner and said we were in trouble and she now just fucking quits, gives up!

I am looking for a place to move in with the nanny and she will continue being our nanny!!!

So, that works in my favor now.

The nanny and the other family feel she cannot be trusted and is unstable so they are comfortable with me.

We will talk tonight about the next step. She wants to make it a smooth process.

I will try also to make it easy.

Now I will detach and move forward.

Why discuss your plans with her? You seem to keep forgetting she is the enemy, now. The 180 is about detaching. She doesn't get you for support and she isn't part of your decision making any more.

Make plans. If they involve joint finances or children, inform her when you have to, but do not discuss it and do not make her part of the planning process. She gets to make her own plans without you.

Enemy may be a bit strong. Legal adversary. The ideal emotional response is indifference--which, of course, is impossible, but it can be approached over time.

I realize that I am now searching for answers. Is it normal for WW like her to act this way. All of a sudden she is done and not willing to try and OM is not in the picture. (Fairly confident that is the case). I still have not seen much remorse. Just quit! She did mention that she had grieved us during the 5 month A.

Again she did not say anything g to friends and did not come to me until way later that we were in trouble. She is a very open person.

Just curious. I can try to rationalize but I know it does not do any good but it is just so fucked up!!

[This message edited by Felco at 1:47 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

IMHO, she's reacting to you taking back your control. She's doing one of two things.

1. Actually moving on. If so, you detaching is the right path.

2. Acting like she's moving on because you seem to be. If its this one, detaching is still the right path. Either she eventually moves on for real or she realizes what she's loosing and comes crawling back.

She did mention that she had grieved us during the 5 month A.

Think about that statement. Really step back think about what that implies. You don't grieve for a relationship that you view as viable or fixable. You grieve for a relationship you already see as dead or as dying and not worth rebuilding. That does not happen instantaneously. That means that prior to the A she saw the relationship was in trouble, yet said nothing. Basically she bore silent witness to the decline and demise (at least in her eyes) to your M. This is assuming she is being accurate. I don't think she is.

I think she convinced herself OM was her "Twin Flame" because otherwise she is utterly destroying so many lives for a fantasy relationship. You don't betray a good M for a fantasy relationship, right? So of course the M must be dead so I should grieve it...and not worry with pesky details like treating my BH with respect by coming clean and asking for D. If she was so convinced from the outset that the M was dead then why even stick around at all?

@Felco,

Part of the problem for you in dealing with this, as I see it, is that this delusional thinking is not typical of the person you knew and loved. Thinking that way keeps your mind focused on the person she was, not the person she has defined herself to be now with her actions. Trying to understand delusional thinking doesn't work. Even if you could understand it will not change the actions that she taken, the damage she has done. I don't think you are best served in your healing by getting answers. I think your best course of action is to realize that the question is irrelevant. Continue as you are. Detach. Detach. Detach. Now is your time to actually grieve the M because everything she has chosen has killed it.

Felco

There is no making "sense" of your wayward wife.

Absolutely none.

She lied not only to you but herself.

And guess what? She is still doing it.

Stay on course.

Get yourself and your kids to a better place.

And leave your wayward wife to her selfishness. You cannot help her.

Only she can help herself.

HM

Sometimes they really have to destroy themselves before they want you back. By then you may not like what you see any more.

Before my xWW wanted back, she was cheating on AP, dumped by AP, and was very promiscuous. Not to mention well on the way to her first alcohol rehab.

(((Felco)))

Just want to offer some support, and say I know you are really struggling with all of this but sometimes you just can't make sense out of nonsense.

I still have not seen much remorse. Just quit! She did mention that she had grieved us during the 5 month A.

Again she did not say anything g to friends and did not come to me until way later that we were in trouble.

Honestly I think this is bullshit. I think she has not even come close to really examining what she has done, or the damage she has created. She is trying to rationalize, and justify what she has done, but it doesn't even come close. She has very nicely put a label on it, rewrote history, and packaged it up in a nice neat box, and shoved it to the back of her mind. I suspect if she does open the box she is going to release a shitstorm of I'm Sorry's, and Please take me backs, but probably not until it's far to late.

You are doing the right things for you, and your kids. Stay strong.

(((and strength))))

This morning and last night she was all business about the divorce stuff. Like what we are doing with the kids schedule, property division, moving and child care etc. She totally appears to in her happy spot. Weird that I don't see sadness or remorse. She must have already grieved and moved on. As of last week, the OM is still in her heart.

I'm sorry Felco. I know it hurts beyond anything you can comprehend. Please be kind to yourself.

I'm sure it doesn't seem like it will ever get better, but time does heal wounds. The more detached you can get, the less salt she can keep pouring in the open wounds. Then your healing can begin. Don't look to her for antibiotic. She's not sharing anything from her first aid kit. Look elsewhere for healing. Someday, you will still have the scar, but it won't be infected, oozing, and painful anymore. Truly.

You are better off without her than to continue to subject yourself to an unremorseful self-centered delusional woman. Love yourself and your kids for now. The rest will fall into place.

If she tries again, tell her that's what lawyers are for and walk away. You do NOT need to discuss that with her.

She seems fine because she is pushing you. Reality has not hit her, at all, and she wants you to cave and take the D back. Do not engage with her, at all. ANY question about the divorce should be met with ‘that’s what lawyers are for’ and you walking away. Let her see that you aren’t ‘gung ho’ for this, but rather apathetic. THAT is when one really doesn’t care. She is still in the fog and thinks that she’s ‘doing what is best’ but she doesn’t really grasp it. Be gone from her life. Time to show her. No matter how much you might want to talk, or watch TV together, or have dinner together, do NOT do it. Do not give her all the comforts of M without a real M.

Show her she’s not in control anymore – because there is nothing to be in control of. Also, when she engages, after saying ‘that’s what lawyers are for’, every so often throw in a ‘when are you planning on moving out? Might as well get that part done, right?’ That will start to let her know you aren’t kidding, or playing a game. You are ending this nightmare she’s brought into your life.

You deserve better than this. Please take the advice offered in this thread.

Major set back!!!

We were talking about the divorce stuff and then it led into us.

She believes that he and her are Twin Flames without a doubt.

There souls are one. He is not ready for the reuniting that's why they are not together. Whatever.

She said that's why I knew early on I as Fucked because I could not be with him and can't be with you. So she will be alone. Then she said she would not be able to be with someone except for "fun".

So last night we did a quicky......

I needed to fulfill some need.

I know what the answers but can't except it. I take FULL responsibility.

Felco,

Your quickie with the wife is not a failing or weakness. Your emotions are in turmoil and you don't know whether you are coming or going (excuse the pun). In the early days it is normal to panic, cry, express anger, feel desperate and to want closeness from the very person who has murdered you.

She is still cake eating. She is telling you to jump and you are asking 'how high?'

You are sharing her mind (and body) with another man. She's done with you and no longer considers you her primary love interest. Time to make a decision

not be able to be with someone except for "fun".

Meh, Felco, you need some "fun", too. Don't make it a habit, though. You need to be detaching. You are quite normal, this happens to many.

Accepting the answer is so hard. You will get there. It hurts. Here you are, with genuine needs; and there she is, willing to use them. Sometimes the odds are just against us and we are weak.

But keep moving with the D and try, try not to go to that place of need. And if you do again? Just pick yourself up, keep moving away, keep putting your feet in front of each other. Step by torturous step until one day it gets easier.

I know it is awful and I'm so sorry. Forgive yourself the misstep and let it strengthen your resolve to not give her what she wants again.

(((Felco))))

So you fell off that horse named 180. Get back on it.

Seriously though stick to 180, and do not allow yourself to get into a situation where this can happen it just confuses things, and makes the BS feel like shit after.

You deserve more.