SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Look. You are married. Either she's in the marriage or she's out. There's no in between. It's fine if she has decided that she's out - but then she doesn't get the comfort of being in. No warm bed. No hanging with the family. No gifts. No pleasant discussions.

You didn't marry her to be her buddy. Stop acting like one

^^^^^^^THIS

You are right. Why should I be a friend. I don/t call her, text her unless its about the kids. I have not bought her anything. My real down fall is talking other than that I am detached from her.

I get very over whelmed with my emotions (good/bad quality) Like right now my anxiety is up and I have the pit feeling in my stomach. This happens often. I am trying to sleep but that is difficult. I have melatonin but that doesnt keep me asleep. I often wake up at 3 or 4 am and have trouble sleeping after that.

Please tell me this is normal. Do others fall off the 180

Please tell me this is normal. Do others fall off the 180

Its very normal and I have the same anxiety you do. I usually take deep slow breathes and say (regardless of whats in my head)...I am going to be fine...I will get through this....Then I get really quiet and still. It works better each time I do it.

Oh, and like the song says...we fall down, but we get up...sooooo, get back up on the 180

(((HUGS))))

Oh, yes, most everyone falls off the 180 train. The thing is, to get right back on and not beat yourself up for falling off. As you get stronger, the 180 becomes easier and easier.

You are very normal as far as what "normal" is in dealing with infidelity, Felco.

Not sleeping is also very normal--I had total insomnia for a month. BUT once everything actually ended and I was free of the limbo and the painful hope? I started sleeping like a baby again. Sometimes freeing yourself is really an amazing gift.

It is absolutely normal to have a hard time with the 180 and for some of us impossible when living in the same household.

You need to quit being such a pussy about all of this. Tell her she needs to have a place in one week. If she isn't out on the 5th, then you are packing her shit and putting it on the front lawn.

When she asks why you aren't talking to her you tell her exactly why. You chose to leave this marriage, I am choosing to protect myself from you and your manipulations, I will no longer be a friend, buddy, or booty call.

Take some pride in yourself. You are a good man, who loves his kids. YOU will survive this, and come out the other side much stronger.

If you are not sleeping, and having trouble with eating, and having anxiety talk to your Dr about it. There is no shame in having some pharmaceutical support to get through this. Many of us chose that, and it allowed us to function. If you aren't getting good sleep then you are loosing the time your brain and body need to heal, and recover, when you are sleep deprived you become more emotional, and less able to make good decisions, you also have slower reflexes. These facts have been proven.

Good sleep can make a world of difference in how you see the world, and give you the strength to stop, and step away from her craziness.

((((and strength)))

Just had IC and he smacked me with reality, that she is done and is not mentally well.

Hard to hear but needed to. So today is a good day to know these things but a hard thing to face:(

He suggested to write a list of what to talk to her about and what not. Work on the process of separation.

I will also make a list of things to focus on.

I will be finding my confidence and self love.

[This message edited by Felco at 5:32 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Today is another day. I am in the how can someone do this phase.

Does anyone have experience or similar story like mine where not only they cheated but just quit? Stop loving and being with the man who you built a life with? Show not much remorse? Acts like everything is just fine?

Stop loving and being with the man who you built a life with? Show not much remorse?

Yo!

Twice.

The second time it happened I did the 180 (before I even knew what the 180 was). Was I still hurt and pissed? Hell yeah. The anger/frustration/confusion took a long time to go away. I never figured anything out really. It simply became unimportant to me over time. I can honestly say that I felt better in not subjecting myself to the rejection, gaslighting and general disregard. I did make a mistake in not taking a longer break from dating and looking more into my health beyond just dealing with the pain of the breakup itself.

Some people mistakenly believe the 180 is a way to get through to the WS. It isn't and never was intended to be some silver bullet for dispelling the WS fog. It just that if that is even going to happen it needs to be done by WS on their own. Pure and simple.

Felco, you may not be ready for this yet, but there is a great group of men, many who have had your experience, in the I Can Relate Forum. In that forum you will find the thread "Betrayed Men - Part 17" I feel you will find some great support and a lot of understanding in that thread. You will find support here in JFO, too, but to get specific Betrayed Men (further out than you) that have BTDT, it is a great place to go.

(((Felco)))

You have not reached the angry stage yet. You have waitied, hoped, willed that she come back to you. It isn't happening. You have 180'd, worked at detachment, but still hanging on to hope. Once hope is gone the reality of the situation will hit and the anger will surface. You think not, you could never be angry with her, you love her.

Prepare yourself. When it comes it will blow you away.

She has left the M. She still believes in her fantasy love. She wants to keep you as a good friend because she wants to control the fallout of a divorce. Please use your head. Don't agree to anything not in your and the children's best interest. You can't nice her, and it will hurt you. When you come out the other side of this you will hate yourself if you don't protect yourself. Heed this warning.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:49 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

I am finding some ways to not be so obsessive. She does get to me when I am around her. She is acting all normal like it is is a regular thing. I don't get it but whatever.

So, I went on to a few online dating sites to see what's out there. It helps because it gives me hope. I don't think I am ready to date but then again meeting people could help me detach. Not to say I need a relationship just companionship. Can't wait for her to be out so I don't have to deal with her. Last night I am leaving and she says "you smell good" in her charming soft voice. WTF, again trying to manipulate.

She is so out of touch. She paid $100 for some phone interview with a man who knows all about Twin Flames. He of course confirmed that she defiantly found her twin. She will also be going to some reiki meetup on Thursday....

k9

Maybe its time for a formal separation. She's spending YOUR money n this crap. Separate your finances so she blows her money, not yours.

Thankfully most of our finances are separate. She certainly is over compensating by buying the kids stuff!

It is very hard to be around her since she acts so normal. Like life is just fine. Crazy. No remorse or empathy towards others. I think she believes that she did no wrong.

God this shit is difficult

She paid $100 for some phone interview with a man who knows all about Twin Flames. He of course confirmed that she defiantly found her twin. She will also be going to some reiki meetup on Thursday....

I am so sorry, Felco, this is not normal. This to me is some woo-woo shit! I know a lot of people buy into this shit, but I don't think it is normal. *shrug* Your IC told you that they felt your WW is not mentally well. Believe him.

Is it common for WW to find themselves and look into the spiritual aspect? She was not religious before this especially into alternative stuff

I think it can go either way, Felco. Either they totally turn their backs on their "faith" or they can start with all this spiritual stuff. I had a friend who became an OW and WW who got into alternative beliefs and also submissive/dominance stuff (which she didn't even understand half the stuff, was always asking me "What is a golden shower?" and crap like that. ) She is no longer my friend, btw.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:08 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Is it common for WW to find themselves and look into the spiritual aspect? She was not religious before this especially into alternative stuff

She's going to cling to anything that validates her (including OM). Traditional religion would consider her an adulterer and a shitty mother. She's grasping for straws now.

When is she going to wake up and realize "twin Flame" is NOT breaking down the door to be with her. What does she think will happen, he will just come to his senses and come claim her? She doesn't believe he and his wife are working on their M, that it must all be for show, so she waits? WTF is wrong with her head. She certainly hasn't woken up to smell the roses.

Don't wait for her. Move on and build a life. However, I would caution about you looking at dating sites. You are trying to feed your ego, and this isn't the time. No new relationships. Join a gym, go out with your male friends, if you don't have any, get some. Go to Barnes and Noble and drink a coffee and read some books. Go for a hike, a bike ride. Take the kiddos to a museum, for ice cream, to the library. Get busy building you, and a relationship with your kiddos, separate from her and old "family" times.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:56 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]