SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That is probably one of the most appalling stories I have seen on this site.

Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to do what she is demanding. Put down a boundry and enforce it. Her actions are about making herself feel better, not you. When she starts making it about you instead of her..maybe then.

I, myself, wouldn't even be able to look at her, let alone stay married to her.

Leon a very similar thing happened to me right before dday and I still can't do it years later.

I wanted to thank every single person who has posted their thoughts here. I didn't realize how badly I needed someone to talk to. I've had our MC to talk with but it's not the same as venting here. My original intent was to ask other betrayed husbands if my disgust of intimacy with my WW was normal or OCD. But having so many well thought out replies from so many people who really seem to care about the misery I'm going through has really touched me. I wish I didn't need to be here. I wish this was a nightmare I could awaken from, but since that's not the case I'm so thankful I found this place and all of you wonderful caring people.

I'm so confused with all the things racing through my mind right now, should I reconcile, how do I get over the deceit, the lies, the hateful things she has said and done to me and against me. How do I get over the cheating? How can I ever trust her again? How do I make a rational decision when I can't even decide if I've eaten today. Should I trust any decisions I make while I'm in the middle of this nightmare?

After a partner cheats, does the other partner actually get over it, or do they just not care any more? How do you forgive someone for cheating for no reason? My WW says it was nothing I did or didn't do. She said our life and marriage was perfect. So why cheat? it doesn't make sense to me. She says the sex meant nothing to her. How can that be true? If having sex with complete strangers meant nothing to her, Why do it? She has no answer to that. If having sex means no more to her than taking a dump what will keep her from doing it again. She swears she's learned her lesson and will never cheat again. What lesson did she learn? Not to get caught, or not to have meaningless sex?

When I think of my WW's lack of respect for our marriage vows, her lack of concern for our health. We luckily were able to get rid of the STD's but we still haven't gotten our results for the HIV or Hepatitis tests. So we're not completely out of the woods yet.

We have horses, and the only time my head seems to clear is when I'm riding my horse Stoney. I can tell Stoney knows something is wrong because he's been extra affectionate to me lately, laying his head on my shoulder and nuzzling up to me. Horses have a sixth sense. I've always said my favorite people are Horses lol.

I'm sorry for the rambling but that's the way my mind has been working the last few weeks. I jump from one thing I'm pissed off about to another all day long. I guess I still need to vent.

My WW and I sat up most of the night last night and into the early morning talking and touching on things from me venting my grievances, to relieving old memories. We have so many happy memories. I was present in the delivery room and witnessed the birth of all 4 of our children. We took the lamaz classes for our 1st and 2nd child and then were old pros for our last 2. I cut the umbilical cords of all our children. Sat up with them for 3am feedings, wet diapers, teething and all the other things that go with being a parent. We prayed over them every night as they lay asleep in their beds. Every thing we did, we did as a team. I can't fathom what went wrong

Betrayed67,

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

That is probably one of the most appalling stories I have seen on this site.

Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to do what she is demanding. Put down a boundry and enforce it. Her actions are about making herself feel better, not you. When she starts making it about you instead of her..maybe then.

I, myself, wouldn't even be able to look at her, let alone stay married to her.

Kalliopeia, I know what you're saying, I truly don't know what I'm doing. I'm numb feel like a walking zombie. I guess I'm still in shock. My gut feeling was to D. But I agreed to try to R but I don't see how I can. I've been honest with WW about this and have voiced my concern that there is nothing left to save, but my WW is begging me to give it more time. She begging me to let her make it up to me, to let her help me to heal. She has offered to do anything to make this easier for me. She even suggested I go out and get even with her. But I'm not that way, I have to feel a deep intense physical and emotional bond with someone to be intimate. If I found some one I felt that way about I wouldn't be able to just turn it off when the A was over. When I shot down getting even she suggested a 3-some so she would be present and I wouldn't feel like I was cheating. I nixed that one too. I told her I think she wants a different lifestyle than what I want. She said she didn't want an open marriage, she just wanted to find a way to ease my pain and for me to able to heal and repair my bruised ego. If we started down that slippery path I don't think it would end well even if we did manage to reconcile.

Leon a very similar thing happened to me right before dday and I still can't do it years later.

64fleet, I think that's where I will be as long as I'm with my WW. She's not the only one who is missing out. I loved going down on my Wife. I loved every second of it, I loved her taste on my tongue, I loved drinking her in, I loved feeling her orgasms and her spraying on my face. I could of camped down there all night. Trouble was she could only take so many orgasms and when she wanted it to stop I had to stop and move on to the main course. Which I loved, She also had vaginal orgasms when we made love but to me oral was the most intimate. I loved the closeness I felt with her, I loved that she was mine and mine alone.

Leon, this is a long and painful process. You are in the first steps. Again, I'm sorry you have to be here with us.

The deal is, you don't have to know any answers right now. That WHY question is haunting and it will be for a good long time. It is nearly impossible to wrap your brain around the person you love and trust and believe in the most in this world, knowingly and willingly ripping your world apart. It takes a long time to handle that.

All I can say for now is to keep posting. Keep reading. I hope you are both in IC as well as MC, because if I have learned anything on this journey, it is that each individual is responsible for their own selves in this process. The wayward for their broken lashing out and self destruction, and the betrayed for finding a new normal for themselves, and possibly, to find a way to work a new marriage into that new normal.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to know what path is right for you right now. It will make itself known to you, I promise. But it will take time and work on your part, and much inner work by your wayward wife as well.

For now, enjoy your time with Stoney (I'm laughing because that is one of my daughter's many nicknames).

Peace.

I thought of something my WW said last night. I have asked many times over the last few weeks, Why? Why did she do it. Last night she said the only reason she could think of is she always secretly wondered what it would feel like to be a whore and be able to do anything she wanted without being judged. She said all her life she had been the good girl. She had watched her girlfriends at school sleep with any boy they wanted, and they all wound up getting married and became respectable wives and mothers. She wondered what it would be like to just let go and have those memories to think back on later in life. I asked why she didn't try getting kinky with me instead of complete strangers. She said she would have been too embarrassed to suggest it, or do those things with me. She said she didn't want me to think of her as a whore. I told her that's exactly what I think of her now. I don't understand why she couldn't let go with me. I tried several times over the years to try anal sex. She said it was dirty. But she did it with them. She did perform oral on me but never let me cum in her mouth. I've noticed since her PA's she not only lets me cum, she swallows now too. She could have done that with me years ago, but it boils down to she didn't want to. So She chose to live out her fantasies with a bunch of disease infested swine instead of her loyal husband. I once thought I knew this woman. But she has become a complete stranger to me now.

It's still so early for you. It's normal to feel this way.

At some point you'll be at a junction whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If it's not, then I can tell you, I'm a woman and my FWH had multiple OW. Double digits... And yet he and I are in the best marriage now, not perfect, but we're good and will be 7 years this year in successful R. Successful R can't happen without reinstating the intimacy in mind and body. BUT it does take time. Don't hurry it.

If however, you feel this is not even possible to have sex with her even after a year from now, then I think there's a wall there between you and it's better for all parties involved to go their separate ways.

Either way, protect yourself and take care of yourself first. She's going to need to do some soul-searching and she may be using sex as a distraction so be careful for that. I'm the BS and I used sex as distraction from the pain and it was actually my FWH that told me no to sex and that I need to heal and get my mind right.

Hope that helps you.

..Leon.. your last post entry about your wife's reasoning is 'painfully' similar to my WW's explanation.

She enjoyed the 'bad girl' role with bfOM but couldn't be that for me. (Madonna/whore complex)

She loved the illicit aspect, the secrecy, the taboo aspect.

Her focus was oral on him with swallowing... I got none for the whole marriage. Wanted to maintain the good girl image for me.

She didn't get that we, their husband, want a princess on the street and a whore in the bedroom. The whole thing is such a mind-fuck!!

Anyway, give yourself time to process this and focus on your own health.

Read and post often..it helps to get your thoughts out there. You will receive much help and support here. It is, no doubt, going to be a rough ride and will take quite a while to sort out all the emotions that will screw with your brain.

Your initial post made me gag!!!

Sorry you are here, sorry any of us are here!!

smy

Leon,

Hard to know exactly what to say, but to be blunt, your are in the driver's seat now. Don't give it up.

Your wife has shown she is currently incapable of making rational, moral decisions. You must make the decisions right now, she must follow.

You are so raw from d day. You will not feel like this forever. None of can know if you will R or not, but just know that you will not feel this way forever.

I would not push sex at all... If you don't want it, tell we & tell her why.

Take it slow and be kind to yourself

..Leon.. your last post entry about your wife's reasoning is 'painfully' similar to my WW's explanation.

She enjoyed the 'bad girl' role with bfOM but couldn't be that for me. (Madonna/whore complex)

She loved the illicit aspect, the secrecy, the taboo aspect.

Her focus was oral on him with swallowing... I got none for the whole marriage. Wanted to maintain the good girl image for me.

She didn't get that we, their husband, want a princess on the street and a whore in the bedroom. The whole thing is such a mind-fuck!!

somanyyears, Your screen name says it all. So Many Years. Your post was a God send. To know other women do feel this way. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. Did you reconcile with your WW? If so does the trust ever return? I can't imagine ever trusting her again. I gave her so many opportunities to come clean. As it turned out if she would have sat down and talked to me in early February of last year when I first felt something was off, we could have averted all of the PA's. But she chose to lie and deceive and turn to complete strangers to live out her fantasies. I can't imagine life without her, but I can't imagine living with this pain, torment and devastation I now feel because of her selfishness.

Probably, the best that can be said, is you are very early in this process. Is it possible for you to step back on the sex and simply allow some time to pass, while your wife supports you along the way?

If she will do this without pressuring you, your feelings will solidify into something you will understand what to do with.

..Leon..

..so glad I was able to help..

Yes, my W and I are still together, 47 years now.. and Yes, I do trust her.

..her bad girl days ended when I discovered their A.

..unfortunately, her big lie about the length of time she serviced him went on for another 23 years. Can I trust her to always tell the truth now???? Hmmmmmmmm!!! Can we ever know that???

..there may be things she's done that she is still determined to take to her grave.

One can never know another person 100%.. maybe I don't want to either..

It's hard enough to just continue with all I know now eh!!??

Just be prepared for a long ride on the infidelity roller coaster.. it does take a long time to get back to any kind of 'normal'..

keep well.

smy

Hard to know exactly what to say, but to be blunt, your are in the driver's seat now. Don't give it up.

Your wife has shown she is currently incapable of making rational, moral decisions. You must make the decisions right now, she must follow.

Justgreatnews, I'm in the driver's seat, now if I only knew which way to go. My gut tells me to floor it and put this nightmare in my rearview mirror. My heart listens to WW and choses to give it a little time before getting out of Dodge. And my mind is just trying to figure out what day it is. It's all a jumbled up mess.

I woke up this morning and WW was gone so I figured she had went to church. She usually does on Sunday mornings. So I headed out to our hanger and started getting my old biplane out of moth balls. I haven't flown it since last fall and I thought it might be nice to get away for a few hours sometime this week and test my concentration. About the time I was done prepping my phone started ringing. It was work, seems I was late to fly a load of freight to Salt Lake city. I told them that doesn't go out till Monday. And it turned out today was Monday. So I had them call a standby we have on retainer to take the flight. I haven't flown since Christmas eve and so much has gone on since then I really don't feel I'm flightworthy for jet flight right now. Luckily I own the freight business so no boss is breathing down my neck right now. If this feeling keeps me grounded though it could really start to effect the bottom line.

I think not feeling flightworthy is directly connected to the inadequate feelings I've developed toward my abilities such as my manhood and decision making. It seems I'm second guessing myself more and more.

I've never been egotistical but I've always been sure of my abilities, just as I have always been aware of my limitations. Until now though I've never doubted my manhood. I have never had a bout of ED, but I have begun to worry It may become an issue now. I have never been insecure about the size of my penis, (I've taken enough communal showers from high school to the service to know I'm far above average). Until now I've never been insecure enough about myself to feel I needed to mention that to anyone. But now when the pictures flash through my head of my WW and her lovers I imagine them all with 12 or 15 inch penises and her screaming out about how much bigger and better they are than me.

I've never been the kind to brag about my accomplishments either, but I will say 16 years ago I designed and built the 3400sqft house we now live in with the help of my 2 Sons, my 3 Brothers and my Father. I restore muscle cars and do most of my own auto maintenance. I use to do bareback bronc riding at the rodeos here each year. Until gravity finally convinced me to give it up.

The insecurities I have begun to feel these last few weeks seem to cancel out all my past accomplishments. I've lost faith in myself, my abilities and my manhood and don't know how to stop it. I have mentioned this to our MC but the C doesn't seem to think it's a problem to concern myself with. Other than a few mental exercises the C suggested I do it seems the C brushed it under the rug.

You are so raw from d day. You will not feel like this forever. None of can know if you will R or not, but just know that you will not feel this way forever.

I would not push sex at all... If you don't want it, tell we & tell her why.

gottagetthrough, Raw is exactly how I feel, along with outraged, indignant, devastated and heartbroken. I feel as though my spirit has been ground into a million pieces and my manhood has been ripped to shreds.

My mood swing from one extreme to the other. My mind doesn't seem to be able to process the magnitude of the destruction her PA has inflicted on my life.

Whenever I am confronted with a disaster, I break it down to it's main components and problem solve each till said disaster is fixed and forgotten. This disaster is like a dyke with 100,000 leaks. Where do I start? how do I patch this thing up before I drown? Nothing in my life experience ever prepared me for something of this magnitude.

Thing is, her infidelity really didn't have anything to do with you. Nothing that you did, caused her to go out and take off her clothing. It's her, and what's wrong inside of her. Her actions towards you were appalling. But they were actions that she took because of her own demons, not because of you.

It may not feel like it, but YOU are still the same amazing, moral, accomplished man that you've always been. You may be a little bent right now, but know that you're too strong to be broken.

As to the sex, do what feels good to you right now. Frankly, I used my FWH as a walking dildo for some time. I couldn't kiss him. I sure as heck couldn't go down on him after a short time of HB. I needed him to pleasure me, and there were times that after he did, he slept elsewhere because I couldn't bare to have him in the same room as me. I would demand that he hold me and comfort me, and then would scream at him to get away and leave me along. Our sex lives were all over the charts but frankly, my wants were what mattered.

And now, I can say that our compatibility is back. He is still having some problems related to his ADs, but the joy is back. The mind movies are about 95% gone for me, but when they come back, I am able to dismiss them more readily. I still have problems performing oral sex on him, but I do what I'm able to do when I'm able to. Hopefully, you will be able to get there too.

When I first posted here on SI I had not made any plans on how much detail of my WW's PA I would write about. Reading back through my posts I think I've covered enough for now. The one thing I have been working on is my WW's actions since D Day 2 and the reasons I decided to give reconciliation a shot.

On D Day 1 when my WW finally admitted to having an affair, my mind immediately shut down, I remember crumpling to the floor of our bedroom and hearing anguished cries and sobbing. I don't know how long it went on till I realized it was me sobbing. I remember memories flashing through my mind. I remembered being 9 years old and hearing my Mom and Dad fighting. I remembered my Dad saying leave anytime you want but you're not taking my kids. I remembered a few weeks later Mom packing her bags while Dad was at work and a Man coming in a blue Ford convertible and Mom putting her bags in his back seat and them driving off down the road without Mom telling any of us kids goodbye. I thought about how I cried on our wedding day, and when each of our 4 beautiful children were born. I remember my WW kneeled beside me trying to hold, comfort and sooth me like I was an injured child,. I remember pushing her away. Then my mind flashed back to the month before. To the night of yucky cunniglus. and I came out of it and exploded in anger. I told my WW the night you tried to cuckold me was the deal breaker. I told her this marriage was over the second you decided to cheat.

After I had covered every transgression I could think of that she had committed against me, I told her to get her ass out. She pleaded and begged for forgiveness, took all responsibility for her PA, swore I was the only man she had ever loved and would love me till her dying breath. She begged that I let her help me recover from this nightmare. She swore she would end the PA and be forever faithful to me. I replied, get out.

She called me that night and the next day, I didn't answer. she texted me. Wrote emails and letters begging for one final chance to regain my love and my trust. She kept calling every day, I ignored her.

Eight days after I kicked her out I received a call from my oldest Son Matt. He asked if I was doing okay. I said I'm fine. He asked is it really true that it's over between you and Mom? I asked him where he heard that? He said Mom wrote me, he said she wrote my Brother and Sisters too and told us she had been a fool and cheated on you and had an affair with a creep she met on Facebook. Matt said She told them I was a perfect husband and met all her needs in and out of bed and I was in no way at fault for her stupidity in breaking her marriage vows.

I found out the next day she had written my Brothers and confessed and accepted all the blame and asked them to please do what they could to help me through the pain she had inflicted on me. She told her Parents and her Sisters about her PA in pretty explicit detail about her behavior and told them I had always been the perfect husband and she accepted all the blame for the affair.

On the morning of December 4th she called and for some reason I decided to answer. She seemed startled at first, but immediately began pleading with me to let her stop by our house to talk. She said I have the day off today and I really need to talk to you face to face. I thought about it for a few seconds and said I'll meet you at McDonalds at 11am. She agreed and thanked me several times before hanging up.

I arrived at McDonalds about 10:50 and ordered 2 black coffees and sat down to wait. about a minute went by I saw her car pull in the drive and park. When she came through the door I saw a big smile crossed her face and then she dropped her eyes to the floor and when she looked back up the smile was gone and all I saw was fear and worry. Her skin looked a sickly grey and her eyes that use to always have a twinkle looked empty and sad.

I stood and motioned for her to sit across from me. She sat and was silent for a few seconds. As the seconds ticked by I studied her face and noticed lines forming around her mouth. She was developing dark circles under her eyes and I noticed her hair didn't look like it had been washed in a week, she always had taken pride in her beautiful hair. Finally she said, I know you didn't owe me this meeting and I want to thank you right now for showing me mercy in agreeing to meet.

My WW reached into her purse and pulled out 2 large envelopes and slid one across the table to me. She said that is a letter I wrote to you accounting for all my actions and everything I've done against you and our marriage since the time I started this mess. She said I swear everything I've done is there. She told me after I read it I'll most probably will never speak to her again. But if I do decide to speak she will answer any and all of my questions and clarify anything I'm not 100% clear on. She then showed me 2 addressed envelopes with hand written letters inside. 1 was a No Contact letter addressed to the OM and 1 was a letter to the BW asking for her forgiveness. She told me she had given the BW my email address and asked her to please write me to verify she had received her letter and to feel free to ask me anything and to please answer any questions I might have.

My WW then handed me one last envelope and asked me to open it and read it now. Inside was a contract written up by our family attorney stating my Wife had given up all claim and marital rights to all of our assets. My freight business, our houses in Arizona and California. our cars, planes, money in the bank, bonds, my retirement account, everything. All she asked for was her clothes and her retirement account.

I looked up after I had read it, and asked why? and she said all I ask is you go to marriage counseling with me and give our marriage and our love one last try. I asked her how long are you talking? she said hopefully for as long as it takes, as long as we make tangible progress we should never give up.

At that point I was so mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted I couldn't imagine fighting so hard for a lost cause, but I said let me think about it for a few days and I'll let you know.

At this point I once again find myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted reliving this soap opera that has become my life. I'll finish this as soon as I can muster the fortitude.

LonesomeLeon,

It is understood that none of us wants to be here. We often greet new members by saying "Welcome to SI. The best club you never wanted to join."

So in the already bad situation I would have to say your WW's actions are nearly textbook perfect for showing in her actions true remorse. She went over and above as some WS never out themselves to family and especially their kids (which is a choice each couple in R must make). I daresay that based on what you described your WW is one who truly "gets it" and then some.

I would still recommend IC and MC. It's still going to be a long haul. I hope you do R. I hope you get the healing you need.

Thing is, her infidelity really didn't have anything to do with you. Nothing that you did, caused her to go out and take off her clothing. It's her, and what's wrong inside of her. Her actions towards you were appalling. But they were actions that she took because of her own demons, not because of you.

Skan, Thank you for your words of support and your kindness. You're right, it was her demons that destroyed what we had spent a lifetime building.

Our kids and their families came for Christmas and they were so supportive of me. And they seemed to understand that I might not be able to reconcile with their Mother. I think missing my children might be part of my problem emotionally now too. It was nice to have them and our grandchildren home.

As to the sex, do what feels good to you right now. Frankly, I used my FWH as a walking dildo for some time. I couldn't kiss him. I sure as heck couldn't go down on him after a short time of HB. I needed him to pleasure me, and there were times that after he did, he slept elsewhere because I couldn't bare to have him in the same room as me. I would demand that he hold me and comfort me, and then would scream at him to get away and leave me along. Our sex lives were all over the charts but frankly, my wants were what mattered.

I'm still considering sex. When my WW and I talked last night I reiterated my reason for no longer performing cunniglus on her. I reminded her she did this to both of us as I use to love the intimacy of pleasuring her that way. She still insists she had not had sex that night but I think she is just refusing to admit to herself or me that she tried to cuckold me without me knowing it. But even after all these months I still remember the way she tastes. And that wasn't her cum I tasted that night.

I think this is just a fantasy playing through my mind but I've been thinking about her offer of having a 3-way. The strange thing is until she suggested it I had never considered a 3-way to sound desirable at all. She mentioned it again last night and said she had talked to 2 of her girlfriends about it and they both said they would love to. It's very confusing because that kind of thing is not me. If I do begin to develop a fantasy about a 3-way or 4-way I think it might be best to remain a fantasy.

My WW told me last night even if I don't reciprocate orally she is going to continue oral on me at least until we resume making love. She says I need the release and she's not going to allow my needs to be unmet whether I return the favor or not. I must admit I appreciate her effort, but I do believe her ulterior motive is to cloud my mind and cause me to subconsciously bond to her again.

My oldest Brother thinks I should see my GP and see if she thinks I need a pill to even out my moods. Trouble is that's not me either. I've always been a firm believer of having "grace under pressure". And I don't think mind altering drugs fit into that equation.

Thank you again Skan for your kind words of support and wisdom. And thank you to everyone else here on SI who have taken their time to lend support and encouragement to me. I realize you all have your crosses to bear, and you still have taken the time to help me in my time of need. The people here on SI are perfect examples of "Grace under Pressure" and you will all be in my prayers tonight.

I pray God will comfort you in your time of need and if your tears begin to fall, God will wipe them away with his mighty hand.

God bless and good night. Leon..

LonesomeLeon,

It is understood that none of us wants to be here. We often greet new members by saying "Welcome to SI. The best club you never wanted to join."

So in the already bad situation I would have to say your WW's actions are nearly textbook perfect for showing in her actions true remorse. She went over and above as some WS never out themselves to family and especially their kids (which is a choice each couple in R must make). I daresay that based on what you described your WW is one who truly "gets it" and then some.

I would still recommend IC and MC. It's still going to be a long haul. I hope you do R. I hope you get the healing you need.

Brandon808, Thank you again my friend for your hard won knowledge. As this try at R could take a while I suppose I'll be here for a spell and get to know some of these things too. I suppose this is knowledge that comes with the cost of many battle scars on the heart and soul.

I'm finding that pouring my inner most feelings out to the people here at SI and having someone respond who's been through it, and has survived does instill hope. I truly feel for everyone here who try to help others as they are going through their own nightmare.

I must admit my WW does show remorse. I also admit she's the one who suggested I come here and read the post. She told me if I posted people would write back and offer their help.

I hate to say it but I suspect she came here looking for ways to out smart me when I began snooping looking for evidence of her affair. Whatever her reasons I'm glad she told me about this site.

I have begun to choose my words carefully when it come to reconciliation. It seems one minute I know with all my heart I want to R and I want to spend the rest of my life loving her and getting to know her again, and then minutes later the thought makes me want to puke. pardon the French.

I honestly don't know which way it will go.

The timeline I just posted about an hour ago covered D Day 1. WW only admitted to one PA at this time. You would think that D Day 2 would have been the deal breaker but she waited until our first MC session to reveal the other 2 PA's because she wanted professional help there with her when she revealed it. She did give me advance warning that she was about to piss me off big time before we walked in the MC's office and she begged me to forgive her, and asked me to hear her out and not to make any rash decisions. She came prepared that night and by the time the session was over I agreed to at least continue trying for R. I'll tell that part of the story as soon as I can get into the frame of mind to write it.

I agree with you Brandon808 My WW does seem to get it. I don't think she could fake remorse this long. She has taken verbal assaults from me and as I'm venting she agrees with me and encourages me to get it all out. She will say don't hold anything back, don't spare my feelings I know I did wrong, I am the blame and I accept it. Since her turn around on D Day 1 she has never tried to deflect blame, tried to offer an excuse, she says there was no excuse for what she put me through. We've even developed somewhat of a joke. I don't know if an outsider would think it's funny. About 2 weeks ago we were sitting on the front porch watching the sunset and things were still pretty raw between us and she looked over at me with her big brown eyes and so innocently said I'm a little whore. At first I started to get angry and then all of a sudden it hit me as being one of the funniest things I'd ever heard. I couldn't help but laugh. Later as I thought about it I realized even though I had called her the same thing several times over the last weeks in anger, I realized no matter what she had done I could never think of her as truly being a whore. I don't care how many men she screwed I could never call this woman sitting before me right now a whore. Maybe the woman who had those PA's a few months ago was a whore at the time she was doing it, but not this woman. This woman who is fighting with every thing she has to ease the pain she caused. When I think of all the women who inflict this kind of pain and then are out the door without a goodbye, I do consider myself lucky. maybe that's a break through. Then again I might change my mind by morning.