SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hee hee. Stop giving me bad ideas AAS. Now I want to send a huge bouquet of flowers to ho-worker at her job congratulating her on her new crappy apartment with the POS.

Can't we have a little fun till we get to indifference??

AAS, I wish all of us here throw you a big party when this is all settled and done with in court in your favor. It would be like a victory and sending off party on your new life journey. You have done really well, and I'm certainly impressed with how you have handled yourself. Most of all, I appreciate your willingness to share your story and your struggles with us all so that we can be inspired by your example.

I'll be the first to throw a party if it all goes well.

As part of the process, both of us must submit a statement to the court and each other. I received CSTBXWW's statement yesterday. Inevitably her statement is full of lies but she has escalated to a new level. Whereas before she would merely twist an actual event to her benefit, now she is simply making shit up. Total fabrications and fiction. I almost vomitted when I read it. If the judge believes even a fraction of it I'm doomed.

My own statement is entirely fact based and truthful (you'll have to take my word for that) and fortunately counters most of her missives but I am now genuinely concerned. All my confidence has diminished and despite the positive outcome of the last hearing, the final hearing on the 17th will be presided with a new judge. CAFCASS also have to attend to justify their position. All parties get cross examined.

CSTBXWW has motioned for an adjournment of the financial hearing which is currently scheduled for the 14th March on the basis that the financial hearing is directly related to the outcome of the children's hearing. Whilst I can see the merits of this, it goes to show her confidence that not only will she get the children the majority of time but she will also get a favourable outcome in the financial settlement as a result of the ruling in the children's hearing.

Previously I have looked after all of the legal arrangements and written my own letters. I handed all that over to my solicitor to make sure I didn't fall at the last hurdle. My Barrister is confident. I wish I was.

It's not truth, justice, fair, right, accurate or any of that AAS. It's what it can make you look like under the rules of evidence and precedent.

The court is obligated to read both statements (hers and yours) and rule. The judges are being influenced by what they read - all of - it and whether it makes sense or not.

Fighting 'fair' will not work for you or your children.

It's the only way I know how to engage. Lying doesn't work for me. It requires me to be able to remember what I said. Truth is easier as you don't have to remember.

I'm not going to lower myself to her level. My integrity is all I have and it really pisses her off that I haven't stooped to her level.

I have no guilt to live with.

I pray (but I'm not religious) that the Judge sees bitter mother's every day of the week.

Who said anything about lying?

You.

Non sequitur.

So how do I fight unfairly without lying?

I think the judge will see her for what she is. I mean, all he has to do is look at her and he'll know what type of person she is. The type that gets pregnant by another man while still married to her husband. Even though this isn't a legal point, it will influence his impression of h character. Plus, didn't the last judge chew hervass out and recuse himself? I'm sure the judge will know that.

And you don't need to lie. Just make sure you're brutally honest about her behavior. Make sure the judge knows you want as much time as possible with the kids and you'd even prefer full custody. Make sure you don't look passive and like a guy whose taking the high road, but rather like a Father who desperately loves his children and has their interest ahead of his own. I hope the judge squashes this bitch

If you and your attorney are just stating the dry facts, you will get run over.

Brutal honesty, frank language and your attorney, in court and for the transcript, refuting each and every overstatement by your adversary may get you to even.

[This message edited by Merlin at 9:11 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

Hi AAS

I know how awful these statements sound when you read them. Listen up-

What proof does she have of all the twaddle she's spouting?

Erm zilch.

You have tonnes of proof of her behaviour through tall this time, and most recently since the last hearing where the judge was so disgusted by her behaviour. I'm sure this judge will know of that.

It's good that there will be cross questioning, your barrister can angle it by his or her questions to expose her and her motives further, further showing the new judge just what an arse she really is. If she has any x questions for you, remember to stay calm (easier said than done I know) and with your barristers advice can again further expose her for the nutter she is. It will be very easy to expose her as someone who is not acting in the best interests of the kids at all. Can you get statements from your family to support you? I wrote a statement for my brother and attended that hearing incase I was called in but my statement was enough. It's obvious she's trying to blacken you and I totally get this as my bros WW was still harping on about the false DV rubbish over a year after the fact it had been done and dusted and my brother acquitted on all charges. She was basically saying the court system was wrong. They do see through this.

Whatever was in her statement yesterday-did she mention anything of this to CAFCASS? Or is it all new stuff she's trying to throw at you. If it is then there is a great proving point there that she's trying to alienate and make stuff up as if it were so "true" then why not mention it before aye?

It's good that the financial hearing is just before the child hearing, as they like to wrp it all up close together. I doubt they'll change the date, but even if they do, the financial part shouldn't have much to do with how much you see the kids as that's what your at child court for to get after all.

Remember that for you it is all new and fresh, and you're very emotionally tied in and close to the situation. The judges see it day in day out as do the barristers and they know how to deal and see through the bullshit. She is trying to frighten you and bully you, don't allow her to.

You can do this, you really can. Perhaps have a couple of appointments with your solicitor and barrister to prepare so you feel better.

MM

Thank you for your reassuring words. I had the boys last night (normally Wednesday but changed on this occasion) and I can see, plain as day, that they thoroughly enjoy being with me in our home.

They were excited, silly, happy, jokey, cuddly and then transfixed while I read them their bedtime story. They complain that the Wednesday night is too short and wish it could last longer.

If only the judge could be a fly on the wall.

I am so sorry it appears your CSTBXWW is trying to put words in yours boys mouths and turn things against you. I have seen this happen to too many children (though normally by the deserted BS bitter over their treatment, which is sort of understandable but still not fair on the kids who have done nothing wrong and love both their parents).

Keep making your home the fun, happy place your boys like to come to and enjoy every moment with them. You have handled yourself so well through all of this, and not lowered yourself to her level by saying horrible things to them about their mother. Your boys will see this and will continue to love and respect you and want to spend time with you now and when they are older and are allowed to make their own decisions.

I hope all goes well in court and all her lies in her statement can be disproved!

Yes, if only the judge could be a fly on the wall. But I think as cliffside and mountainmomma said this judge will (probably) know why they now have this case and the original judge doesn't - and if that is the case, they should already have a fair idea who it is who has shown themselves to be the better parent at putting the boys interests first. If your statement counters most of her latest batch of lies and you are also taking the stand yourself, then you still have everything to play for. She has not shown herself to be a rational woman and she has shot herself in the foot every time it's counted so far - so her taking the stand may go against her this time too.

If you are allowed to produce evidence then that letter you had from her stating her reasons that she wanted a divorce from you from early on could prove beneficial too. I think her latest batch of lies are a show of her pure rage towards you but also of her fear that without them - you might actually win. If she's resorting to lies - she's not so sure of her case without them as she tries to pretend. Try not to let her lies undermine your confidence - that could be another of her motives here - trying to make you be the one to lose it in front of this new judge. Just do as you've been doing so far aas, call her out, stand your ground and let your dignity shine through.

As cliffside says, she'll be standing there 8 months pregnant with another man's child before she's even divorced from you, or had her present children's future decided. It doesn't create a good impression whatever way you look at it....and quite frankly, neither does her plans to have the boys in their own bedrooms in a 4 bed detached house when with her, but having them have to bunk in together if they want to stay with you is hardly in their best interests either is it? Yet another bad impression if you ask me.

Previously I have looked after all of the legal arrangements and written my own letters. I handed all that over to my solicitor to make sure I didn't fall at the last hurdle. My Barrister is confident. I wish I was.

I hope your barrister is proved correct. For your sake and for your boys. Stay strong aas.

All it takes to indicate who is in the right and rational is the document where you each wrote down what the other needed in order to live, and she didn't think you needed a place that could reasonably accommodate children.

That and the pregnancy.

AAS, please listen very carefully to Mountainmomma. Here are a few things for you to ponder.

You were worried about the CAFCAS evaluation, but the judge was squarely in your corner. That 40 year old woman did not need to say why the interviews were so different than the home visit, the judge, who, as has been said, knows why. She did not say the children should be removed from the mother, I don't think you want that (maybe I'm wrong) but children do need both parents if its at all possible. Your ex clearly does not get that. I agree with you that your ex is delusionally thinking that gru will replace you nice and clean and done. NO judge is going to be on board with removing either parent completely without being severely provoked into that action. your ex is severely provoking the judge.

Your delusional ex is calmly doing EVERYTHING the judge is ORDERING her not to. She does not care what he wants and her efforts at alienating your children have redoubled since the judge warned her to stop. She does not recognize the judges place in her life. She is a typical sociopath. I tangled with one of these, too. Mine's attitude in court was "yes, I abused her, and who the hell are you to tell me that's not my right" and he proceeded to abuse me in front of the judge in order to prove his point. He proved his point, and he has no physical custody, no legal custody, and no visitation.

I think this is all there is to it, however, you need to be cautious. You need to keep to the bald faced, brutal truth. You need to fearlessly pull NO punches, for if you do, your children will pay for it. You do NOT need to lie, she is doing all of that for you. You need to stand tall and strong in court for your children. You need to allow your lawyer to point out the lies, you need to stand tall and agree or say they are lies when you are asked to. You need to allow your children to be interviewed if it comes to that (although I hope it does not)

I think in writing gru in as the next of kin, she has hopelessly shot herself in the foot. Make sure your lawyer knows about that. She could have been all sad and acting abused and hurt and protective of her kids and she might have got away with her lies, but she did not. She may lose custody altogether of her children. IF SO, LET THAT HAPPEN! She can always get it back, the system allows for that, but she would have to jump through some hoops, which she may or may not be willing to do. Remember the judge's job is NOT to help you or your ex in family court, it is to protect your children. Divorce is hard on children, and the idea is to minimize the damage. NO judge in their right minds is going to hand your kids over to a sociopath who is clearly showing her fangs as yours is. The sociopath is not really dangerous when they are deranged like this, they are dangerous when they are pretending to be a human, like she was when you got married. Many Sociopaths can get it together in front of a judge and act the part, you see it a lot on these boards. I am glad for you that this is not the case with your ex. She is one of the worst pieces of entitled work I have seen on here. She will sink herself, all you have to do is be strong enough FOR YOU KIDS to let her, and not soften it for her. If she loses custody, she can get it back, and trust me, you hope she will, but if she can not get her life together enough to stop hurting her kids, she SHOULD lose custody, it will hurt them less in the long run, because YOU know its not good for your children to see their mom as a monster, so YOU can soften that for them, and help them see a way to deal with it. SHE will not do that, for you, for them, or even for herself.

Keep on being the kind and loving father you are. Stand strong. Do NOT pull any punches in the name of being a gentleman, your children can not afford that. Our courts allow many avenues for parents to remediate, and to learn to be better parents and to reunite. Mine has not done that. Sometimes I see that as a blessing sometimes I hate him for it, but always I know its a protection for my child not to see him until he can recognize that his awful ways are inappropriate and damaging. Keep that in mind for you and your kids. Good luck.

One last word of warning. You are, this moment under the worst pressure you ever will be. She WILL ratchet up the crazy, calmly and without turning a hair, in the next few weeks. She is hoping to provoke you into something, be it taking your kids as is your right, but doing it in some physically or emotionally violent way, or blowing up at her and or gru for being their horrible selves or blowing up to protect your kids. The gru thing was pointedly intended to make you lose it. DO NOT lose it, you have done incredibly well so far. You are right to send ALL comunications including texts through your lawyer, she will twist ANY communication against you now. You have trod well so far, do not fall into her trap. It is maddening the way they are, but you can not be mad now. You just be quietly strong and loving for your boys and say nothing to them about her as they have plainly asked. You asked before how she can so calmly do all the wrong things. She is an expert at this. You just need to be calm, stay quiet and trust that the judge will be on you kid's side. Let her show who she is, and you show who you are and love your kids. I hope she can find a way to see them, but if she can't its your job to help your kids through it, not to fix it for her. keep that in mind. She is broken, you can only help fix your kids, she is lost to you, and if she is not careful, to them. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers along with all of SI on St Patty's day. Best of luck.

Thanks so much for your extensive posts this weekend. You guys are able to stand back and see the basic fundamentals of her behaviour where I can only see the minutia. It's reassuring.

I'm expecting some kind of last minute crazy as we've only got one week to go. I'm glad that I've got the boys this coming weekend to distract me (so I thought I would do absolutely nothing with them, let them stay up really late, drink beer, feed them after dinner minty chocolate and let them watch adult films

A friend said to me that whilst I might be shitting a small brick at the moment CSTBXWW will be shitting a whole house. I hope that's true.

I also discovered that CSTBXWW has changed her name on facebook back to her maiden name. I know this is to be expected, inevitable and not unreasonable but it was a little painful to see. I would have been surprised if she hadn't done it but it's another punch on the nose that really drives it home that she is gone forever.

All of my friends are perplexed by the extreme personality change but no more so than my friend I shall call Dawlish. He often spends time on the internet trying to get his head around her behaviour. I'm sure he feels betrayed too, as do all my friends and relatives.

He confirmed to me and to himself that she is in fact a complete sociopath. She ticks every box:

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Ironically CSTBXWW accused me of being one, too. It made me feel pretty deflated becuase although it helps me come to terms with the situation, I have been fooled for two decades and also realise that I will never, ever see an aplogy or recognition that she is a disgusting human being.

It made me wonder if two sociopaths, once they've found each other, can live happily ever after?

[This message edited by allatsea at 1:57 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

Although I'm not divorced, I do every now and then offer support to fellow SI'ers here in this forum. I followed you, albeit silently from beginning and I am glad you've take the course of focus on your children's happiness.

I think Merlin is right. Let your father's voice be heard. Let your children be heard through you and calmly stating the facts in the most brutally honest way possible will get the point across to the judge. If we're all judged based on facts alone, it will be a fair world. But it's not.

First impressions counts:

1. Look and feel like a father, dress conservatively, like a valued citizen but not a righteous moral ass. No ketchup stains, clean middle class clothing, and clean shaven face goes a long way. Shows you know how to take care of yourself and that you won't be sending your kids to school like they came from a garbage.

2. Keep a soft smile to your face, show concern and sadness about what happened to you (her betrayal) but not overt anger (that turns people off). This means your a collected, healthy person, very personable.

3. Your body language, NEVER cross your arms or your legs. Keep shoulder's back, back straight, look at people in the eyes. Means your open, your approachable, likeable.

4. Your heart may be pounding like there's no tomorrow and her lawyer will try to milk that and make you panic and say something you WILL regret. LISTEN to the questions carefully and ask it to be rephrased if you have to. Then answer in the most brutally honest way possible WITHOUT using foul language. Shows you're educated and reasonable and you won't let people run over you.

5. Actively listen to the judge if he's talking to you directly by repeating/rephrasing what he says. For example, "from what I understand you want me to do..."

6. Emotions can get in the way or help you. It can help you when you SHOW emotions like: happiness every time you talk about your kids let your eyes turn bright and your lips smile; Sadness when you talk about being betrayed. It can hurt you if you use "bad language" such as "you did this" "you did that", it shows how bitter you are and maybe doing this for revenge instead of for your kids. Emotions can hurt you if you allow it to speak for you things you know you will regret like calling her a "bitch" in court or being too defensive about NOTHING or being nitpicky.

7. DO NOT look defeated even if you feel like it. That would show a depressed parent who is not a healthy parent for kids to be around. We ALL feel defeated at times because of the situation we're in but that does not make us unhealthy parents. Show that you're moving past the craziness but no way will you let your kids get hurt.

I hope that helps you in court.

Hugs your way.

but it's another punch on the nose that really drives it home that she is gone forever.

And you're not dancing a jig of glee because?????

You need to get busy with solid proof that each and every of her lies is a lie ASAP!! Pull out all the stops to get her on the phone and get her admitting on the phone that it's lies ... VAR! Anything!

Did you guys ever do MC? You shoulda had her diagnosed sociopath back then.

Best of luck for a big ole WWF smack down for her!

I also discovered that CSTBXWW has changed her name on facebook back to her maiden name.

I'm going to set the 2x4 on the table while I ask you, aas - how did you "discover" this?

1. If you saw it yourself because you haven't blocked her yet on FB, BLOCK HER YESTERDAY.

2. If you saw it by seeking it out, STOP PAIN SHOPPING.

3. If someone TOLD you about it, tell that person to STOP TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT HER. That goes double for Dawlish.

Don't make me pick up the 2x4.

AAS, strength brother.

t/j NIK, in all honesty, he needs the info. If the UK laws are similar to what they were in our state 20 years ago(and from what I can discern, they are) he needs every bit of information he can get. No matter how painful. A contested custody case strips you to the bone as a father. The presumption is the mother is the better choice, ALWAYS. He needs whatever he can get. In this specific instance, the questioning will be along the lines of why she thinks the name change is appropriate now, prior to the D. When and how were the children informed. Why was it appropriate to do without AAS. The questions from her side will be worse. end t/j

The pregnancy bump is going to play into your favor brother. Also the other magistrates recusal(they do talk). Also playing into your favor will be her greed. How does she expect you, with her division of the assets, to properly care for the boys when they are in your care.

Strength brother. I know what's coming. BTDT. Sending MOJO across the pond.

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:35 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]