SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good Luck today. Positive thoughts.

k9

hoping today went well brother. post when you can.

strength

Add me to the huge list of your supporters, hoping for a just outcome for you and your boys

Praying for you and your boys today.

Prayers and good mojo!!! YOU are an amazing, loving parent and no craziness from her could deny that... thinking of you and your littles today...

Huge amounts of mojo and a bit o' the luck o' the Irish today for you and your boys

Prayers and mojo sent your way!

Good luck.

Really hope the delay in updating us is because you're out celebrating, or I'm just bad with time zones. Good luck!

Praying all went well Allatsea.

Just checking in to add my good wishes.

I hope like heck the silence isn't a sign that things went poorly.

I haven't prayed in 17 years, but I've been praying for you.

Hello everyone,

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and well wishes. I was simply unable to reply in the evening as I was so pooped from the draining day. As you may have noticed, my brain is still processing as I am wide awake at 3 am so thought I should write an update...

Things went very well, mostly. The CAFCASS officer was the first to be cross examined and that didn't go too badly. Not damaging at all. CSTBXWW's barrister annoyed the judge by questioning the officer for 90 minutes. Immediately afterwards the judge said that it was clear that there was no reason why we shouldn't have been able to have reached a decision without the use of lawyers and having spent well over £8k each. Judge assumed that we were on legal aid which is the only other time people would take something this straightforward so far. Don't I know it.

He then instructed us to go out and reach agreement based on his preliminary indications. If we were unable to reach a conclusion then he would be happy to rule but he wanted us to try.

He indicated that cstbxww needed to relinquish her hold on them. He was a judge who has a reputation for being odd and opinionated. He doesn't like mid week overnight contact.

I got my Sunday night extension to my alternate weekends.

I got half of all holidays but they successfully argued I don't have enough annual holiday to cover it all so I had to concede that I should have 2.5 weeks over summer instead of 3.

I have had specific wording put in the order that she lists me as next of kin and consults with me for non day to day decisions even though this is a legal requirement. It was necessary.

The law in this country changes in 6 weeks regarding residence orders. They are being done away with for many reasons and the judge wanted us to follow the new approach which is in my favour. Neither one of us is considered more important than the other. She is not the primary carer and me the secondary. It is worded that we are both equal and that we simply divide the time unequally. This was a big win.

I had to relinquish my Wednesday overnight stays but managed to convince a reluctant judge that I should have one overnight on the Tuesdays which immediately follow her weekend. This prevents massive gaps between my alternate weekends. I can attend any and all after school activities without fear of the police being called.

The strangest and most depressing result was Christmas day. Due to cstbxww having another child the judge ruled that the children would want to spend every Christmas day with it rather than alternate. However, they must be handed over to me at 3pm on Christmas day so I can have them overnight and have my Christmas morning on the 26th. I'm very disappointed but have to hope that the boys make their own mind up in 4 or 5 years.

Overall my barrister sees this as a massive win especially when compared to cstbxww's position. I'm still processing it but it still seems wrong that I'm the one who has had to fight so hard to see my own children and I'm not even a dad the court has concerns about.

I'm back in court again today to deal with the small details but already cstbxww is trying to force me to commit to specific weeks each summer for the next 12 years. I'm going to insist that we must mutually arrange it in the preceding months. This woman is going to be angry for a very long time.

I suppose in summary I should be pleased. But I'm still sad.

Aas, from the little I have been able to learn of the laws in your country, this was a huge win. For that, congratulations. I wish you continuing success for later today.

As a father, I am so very sorry that the court system is so biased against you. As you stated, in a few more years your kids will have much more say in the matter. Keep being the best dad you can be. Protect them to the best of your ability. I have no doubt that you will.

again, mojo for later today. we've still got your back.

strength

AAS

Well done for yesterday. I will comment more later as I'm still getting my faculties together over a cup of tea, but just wanted to get these things in quickly before you go off to court again today.

Do not agree to the next 12 years of dates with your STBXWW. It's her way of trying to control you. Just do not do it. Is there any chance you could get the christmas alternated and use the fact that STBXWW wants a lot of dates and say, agree on the next 6months to a years worth of dates? I've got to say I think that's well out of order for the judge to basically say you don't have them on christmas morning.

Hope you get this before you leave.

You are very strong indeed to have navigated yesterday, I know how it is with many instant decisions needing to be made, and big ones at that.

MM

aas, of course you're sad. That your family life had to come to this, that you can no longer be with your boys 100% of the time in your shared family home is very sad. But given the level of cruelty, spite, arrogance and craziness of your stbx who forced you and your boys to be in this situation in the first place my outsiders opinion is that your barrister is right and given what could have happened, you have just won BIG.

It seems that on virtually every issue that she forcefully exerted her arrogance and cruelty over your contact with the boys this past year, she's now lost.

She blackmailed you into signing an agreement that you wouldn't keep the boys on the Sunday nights of your weekend with them - even going so far as withholding them until you did. That agreement is now not worth the paper it's written on. You have your Sunday nights. By law.

In an extremely cruel and demented move she listed Gru as the boys 'next of kin' - she can never do that again. She must list you in your rightful place as next of kin to the boys - by law.

She didn't want you attending the boys after school activities on her time, even threatening police action to keep you away. You are now fully entitled to attend 'any and all' after school activities - by law.

She wanted to dictate how much holiday time you could have the boys for. You have won equal time. That you've had to concede a little of that due to your own holiday entitlement is a shame, but you still won equal time in principal.

It's a shame that you lost your Wednesday nights, but you do have alternate Tuesdays and your eow Sunday nights to make up for it. That in itself is another win.

I agree with you about the big win being the primary caregiver roles being equal and that she must consult with you on the non day to day decisions regarding the boys. I'm sure that one must have cut her to the bone and if any of these rulings will have her kicking back against, I predict it will be that one. But you have it in writing now, on a legal document. I just hope she can abide by it and not make you have to fight through the courts again. Surely at some point she has to understand that she cannot do just as she pleases. I hope she comes to that understanding sooner rather than later.

Regarding the summer holidays dates, it's simply ludicrous for her to expect you to commit to specific weeks for the next twelve years. It's hard enough booking holidays from work on a year to year basis. No reasonable person is even going to take a demand like that seriously - and frankly it's one of her more laughable requests. I'm glad that you are already determined to hold your ground on it.

Finally I would like to say something about the Christmas schedule aas. You know, if I were given the choice of those two options, I would rather have the schedule you have than the one she has and I do mean that seriously. If I were her, I would spend my Christmas morning counting down the hours until you came to take the boys. I'd feel that I was on a time limit and I would feel that most strongly. Presents must be opened and played with, and put away, and Christmas dinner must be all done and dusted by 3pm.

You on the other hand, (hopefully) get children super excited and happy knowing that they have yet another Christmas day coming at your house. No doubt she will force them to leave their new toys behind - afterall - I doubt she'll ever put the boys first, but they have an evening of anticipation ahead, maybe an early present for the evening, and then an unhurried Christmas Day on Boxing Day. Your Christmas time with the boys will all be to come, with time to enjoy it, rather than rushed and on a schedule. So although of course it would be ideal to get the boys for the whole day Christmas every other year, the fact is she never gets them for the 'whole day' anyway. I honestly would rather your schedule.

OK, I have to go, but I just had to come and comment aas because after following you from the beginning, I am thrilled that your fight paid off. Yes, it cost a ridiculous amount of money and a lot of heartache along the way, but you won, and you won big in the end. I hope today goes equally well.

Well done aas

And I absolutely agree with this...

Finally I would like to say something about the Christmas schedule aas. You know, if I were given the choice of those two options, I would rather have the schedule you have than the one she has and I do mean that seriously. If I were her, I would spend my Christmas morning counting down the hours until you came to take the boys. I'd feel that I was on a time limit and I would feel that most strongly. Presents must be opened and played with, and put away, and Christmas dinner must be all done and dusted by 3pm.

You on the other hand, (hopefully) get children super excited and happy knowing that they have yet another Christmas day coming at your house. No doubt she will force them to leave their new toys behind - afterall - I doubt she'll ever put the boys first, but they have an evening of anticipation ahead, maybe an early present for the evening, and then an unhurried Christmas Day on Boxing Day. Your Christmas time with the boys will all be to come, with time to enjoy it, rather than rushed and on a schedule. So although of course it would be ideal to get the boys for the whole day Christmas every other year, the fact is she never gets them for the 'whole day' anyway. I honestly would rather your schedule

This is the same schedule that my H has with his ex and kids and has had for the last 8 years. What we found was that from within an hour of them opening their presents at their mums then were dressed and sat asking "when do we go to dads", "how long now until we go to dad's". The whole time spent with mum on Xmas day was them being excited about going to dad's. The excitement of Christmas Day at mum's was over, the anticipation of going to dad's was more exciting!

This has stayed the same as they've got older and after this last Christmas where myself and H went out to eat for Xmas dinner they have now told her that they want to come earlier next year and have Xmas dinner with us too. At 13 and 16 there isn't much she can say now without making herself look unreasonable to them.

Just carry on enjoying the time with your boys and know that the day isn't that far away where they have much more say in things and where they want to be

AAS,

Courts must be seen as compromising. And so things get compromised that should not and for appearances' sake.

You did well on this first step, not as you'd like but as the law allows. You will be much in your children's lives and they in yours. That is good for you all.

Best of luck today.

Sending you continued strength today, aas.

Imagine how upset your almost XW is right now and smile.

Keep that smile in your face and your head high and enjoy your time with your children.

Send them to her happy to relay to her all the nice things you were doing together and how happy and relaxed you are.

I bet she won't like it.

I'm glad they kept a leash on the crazy, hateful cow. I think it would be prudent though, with her history of deluded behavior and utter disregard for both you and the flipping LAW , that you always keep a copy of the order with you for the next time she calls the police on you. She won't stop if she thinks she can still get away with it, but the police will reasonably follow the order even if she won't. Good luck.