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Sorry about the kitty. That is always hard. Even when it's time. She couldn't respond with more feeling because it wasn't about her. She will now of course blame you for the poor old creatures death.

Really it's kind of symbolic of the end of things and your relationship with her. One less thing to remind you or your ties with her on a daily basis.

Maybe in a few weeks it will be time to head to the local shelter with the boys and pick out a spring kitten of their own.

(((and strength)))

Tush,

Definitely! A new kitten might happen to coincide with the arrival of Grulet

..re: thread jack..

Forum Guidelines #8 "Generalizing Statements"

we also know tha [waywards] aren't empathetic or kind people. And that includes relatives of waywards

..[waywards] used here generalizes all waywards

..which was lf's point..

..perhaps had AAS inserted the word 'some' or 'many' or 'most' in front of [waywards], it would not be an issue for this infringement of rule #8..

smy

Pedantic springs to mind.

I stand by it. Former waywards are different to waywards.

Waywards by the very act of abuse they have inflicted are not empathetic or kind

That is all I have to say on that matter

How's it going today AAS?

Maybe in a few weeks it will be time to head to the local shelter with the boys and pick out a spring kitten of their own.

Now THAT is an opportunity to plant one of the many golden seeds for a new beginning and bolster a deeper bond with your children. AAS, you know they are going to love this! Toss in some ice cream treats after the a new cat is chosen, let them shop for some cat treats, toys, collar, and new bed. Take some pics of the day and make it a special and memorable one they can look back on. You want them to see and remember "Happy" dad. They will be talking to CSTBXWW about their happy day with "Happy" dad.

For every bad word that CSTBXWW says about you in front of them, it will contradict those happy memories and experiences they have of you. It won't be long before they see who is the "unhappy" one creating "unhappy" for them. It won't be long for them to realize where "happiness" exists. It won't be long before they express where they want to spend "happy" time the most.

That's a long time not to see your boys AAS, I'm glad you were able to speak to them, but still. I hope you will get Father's Day just for you in return for her having Mother's Day?

I was wondering re the omissions from the court order - was a time stipulated when you were at court or was it left open for you two to decide?

That's an excellent idea typing out the days and times during the coming months, my bro did that at his last hearing for the next years worth of dates, to ensure the same as you have and to minimise any trouble caused by the ex WW. He's a teacher so just used his academic diary to figure it out. Your WW seems the same as my bros, always claiming to be acting in the best interests, but never actually came up with any reasonable suggestions for the children, nor dates, holidays etc, having something definitive to work with for everyone's benefit but mostly the kids.

It's good of you to be doing this, and It appears her lack of response is to try and control and piss you off, perhaps trying to draw you inTo something she can try and use against you later?. Perhaps, and this is just something for you to think about, instead of asking her/suggesting/attempting to have a reasonable discussion regarding things like drop back times, dates for holidays etc, you could just say what you want.....half the holiday dates/what you regard as a reasonable drop back time and simply put these to her and say to her that if you don't hear anything back by xxx day/date then you'll assume that she's in aggreance with those plans, and you'll expect her to drop off or you to pick up from the designated spot "as per court order, and in the best interests to the boys and fairness to them".

She has to be careful here in not responding at all, as again it's not behaving in the best interests of the boys, and, if she continues to be an ass about it, may warrant another visit to court to pull her into line. Document it all. Perhaps email so a way to go from now on incase you need that for anything down the road?. Perhaps of she's still being awkward you solicitor could write her solicitor getting them to "remind" her of her obligations.? And make arrangements in a timely manner and not leave it to the eleventh hour?

I hope you hear back from her solicitor soon regarding the financial stuff.

Sorry to hear about your beloved Moggie, it is sad it's the end of an era of a furry family member. ICR, I had to put to sleep my 19 year old mogster a couple of weeks ago, I watched him being born and he was the last part of just Mountain mommas life before even meeting my WS, having kids and all that jazz. He took it all in his stride and loved the kids and never got peed of about any of the changes that he saw in his life. As long as he had some love each day he was cool. It doesn't surprise me STBXWW is being so cold about it, it's a sadly yet another thing they don't seem to care about any more. It's a great idea to get the boys to choose another mog, as per jduffs post, I too have been enquiring at the cat sanctuaries, none of the adults are suitable but kitten season is imminently upon us so the fun will begin all over again with the next generation of Moggies. It will be lovely that it's you 3 doing it and will be such a special thing. Playing with kittens is such FUN.

Stay strong

In light

MM

Hi MM,

Thanks for your extensive post.

CSTBXWW continues to be angry, refuses to toe the line, baulks at anything I suggest purely because I suggest it and is prepared to ignore the words of the judge. Unfortunately not all of his words made it into the ruling. She will only abide by the exact ruling.

The judge made it clear that I should be able to attend their after school events and their swimming lessons in particular. The days and times have moved so I asked her to provide the new information. She gives me crickets. The boys have asked me to go. So I will. I will find out by other means. I'm still utterly baffled as to her motive.

Nothing the judge has said has hit home with her. What does she gain by carrying on this way. I have been cordial and professional in my contact with her. I incorrectly assumed she might calm down and be less adversarial now that the ruling is made.

The boys were so excited to be home. Busy weekend planned condensed into a shorter time. Oh well. Plough on through.

It's my 10th Wedding anniversary today

Let's assume I'm going to send her a witty text message. 100 points for the best text suggestion that will never be sent

Until you can let go of stuff like this ^ - she owns you.

Merlin,

I hear you and you are right. 20 years is hard to forget and essentially still does own me. It will take longer than a year to stop feeling married. I still wake up and for a split second, I forget she's not there.

I applied for my decree absolute today. That is my present to myself.

At least you are honest with yourself. That is a big step to getting better. You are doing great, just keep getting along best you can.

I booked a cheap hotel room at the beach with my boys for our tenth anniversary last year. Had a great day and barely thought about it. Until we got back up to the room and I saw the bitch OW had the nerve to text me throwing the affair in my face.

So I ignored her and sent my ex this:

http://youtu.be/my7sxZ0KfHU

Please say I at least get a few points.

The judge made it clear that I should be able to attend their after school events and their swimming lessons in particular. The days and times have moved so I asked her to provide the new information.

Contact the school or coach directly and get the info. Also let them know you are divorcing and they will need to inform BOTH parents of the schedule. When you go, don't let her intimidate you. It is a public event and SHE doesn't get to control who can attend. Just stay away from her, and ignore her completely.

In nearly all aspects of my life I'm quick witted, logical, self-assured, intelligent and confident.

But when it comes to dealing with the CSTBX I find that my emotion chip cannot be turned off (reference to Star Trek there!!)

Momentintime is right. I should use all means at ny disposal to parent the children without contacting or communicating with the CSTBX. This goes against my conditioning where we shared every decision and communicated about all things (except for her decision to invite her boss into my life). I need to learn and accept. Still struggling, I guess. My knee jerk reaction to having any questions about the children is to ask CSTBX but that is a habit I should break.

I'm sure the boys will know more about their swimming arrangements in the next week or so. The swimming pools were of no help in this case because CSTBX has actually organised anything in a timely manner. The pools have no record of my children, as yet.

AAS - what you're trying to do with your CSTBX is co-parent. Clearly she's not up to that. She's just to crazy for that.

I agree with you and the others who say you're just going to have to get info on your own and parent with out her. The term that I have heard for this is parallel parenting. My SO has to do this with his X.

Is it possible she's using a different pool? Can you sign them up with the pool and then tell your CSTBX that you had noticed the kids hadn't been signed up and didn't want the kids to miss out. That has the lovely effect of driving her crazy and getting your kids into their activity.

Hexed,

I've fast reached this conclusion myself.

CSTBX has replied to an email I sent about minor points regarding who collects on which days etc. She replied with a diatribe of utter bollocks and I can see that she is majorly pissed off with how things have worked out. Here is her email:

"I am aware that you have been in contact with the swimming pools regarding the boys' swimming lessons and DS8's academy. I am dealing with this and do not require your assistance. I remind you that swimming takes place during my contact time (1) and that I continue to pay for this, and all costs for the children (2), as I have done for the last year while you retain the child benefit (2)

We have a clearly defined court order outlining your contact and we will communicate outside of this, as the order states, for important decisions and health matters (3). You were given the opportunity to be involved in clubs in your contact time during negotiations in court last week, you chose not to be (4). I am not sure what you expected the outcome of pushing this through court to be (5) but it has resulted in your contact being defined in great detail. You cannot now come back bemoaning the fact that there are gaps in contact and threatening to violate the order by stating you will be turning up outside your contact time. You can produce spreadsheets if you wish but I do not need to agree to anything when contact is so clearly and legally defined (6). It's done. You do not need to dictate via a spreadsheet.

As I have said repeatedly to you over the last year and in court last week, if you want improved communication in future you (7) need to cease this daily text/emailing frenzy, allow the dust to settle and let the new arrangements bed in. You have contacted me repeatedly, and unnecessarily, almost every day since the court order was agreed (8). It needs to stop. Describing your communications as "perfectly reasonable" is not justification for constant unnecessary contact. I note that you failed to return the contact book with the boys yesterday (9), choosing instead to send more texts and emails.

Frankly, I find your behaviour increasingly obsessive and disturbing. I say again, it's done, we are long over, the arrangements for the boys are clearly defined. Just let the dust settle.

To clarify on these points:

(1) She is saying that I cannot attend after school events becuase they are not within my contact times. This is despite the judge and CAFCASS saying I should be able to.

(2) She is not paying for everything. I am paying huge amounts of CS in lieu of her not paying the mortgage.

(3)She has stated here that she does not intend to communicate with me at all about the children except for important decisions about health and education

(4) I couldn't specifiy my contact to coincide with the after school events because of (1) and the fact that the events move around on a termly basis

(5) I expected the outcome to result in you relinquishing control of the children, much to your disgust.

(6)If it were clearly defined to the n'th degree I would not be asking who collects the children on x day.

(7) I forgot, it's her decision whether we communicate or not. If she answered my simple questions I wouldn't communicate with her at all.

(8)It's not daily, stupid bitch. It's three times. If she had bothered to reply at all it would have been just the once.

(9) I will not return the contact diary in DS's school bag. They should not read the book or be used as a conduit, IMO.

So I sent this:

"Thank you for your email. It is exactly as I expected, a diatribe or false beliefs and assumptions. Despite the judges firm words and strong suggestions for both parents to communicate, you are simply unable without bile and anger. I am sure that another visit to court will correct your attitude, if this is how you wish to proceed.

I am permitted to attend any after schoool activities, regardless of contact times, as are you. You continue to be controlling and it must stop. You must accept that I have equal responsibility and interest in the children's lives. Have you heeded nothing from the results of every court hearing thus far? One judge was so appalled in your behaviour that she recused herself. Can you not see that?

I requests specific responses to each of my points 1 to 3 in the previous email otherwise they will be assumed as agreed by you. You need not write anything to me other than that, please. If you choose not to use the spreadsheet then that is fine.

The contact diary is not to be used for arguing or discussion. It is for pertinent aspects relating to the day to day aspects of the children. The contact diary will not be transfered between us via the children's schoool bags as that is innappropriate.

There is no attempt to change or deviate from the order. However, there will inevitably be details that need agreement. There are grey areas that I want clarified in order to minimise stupid correspondence such as this.

I'm utterly bored of your anger and delusion. I simply want to see my boys with a 100% agreed schedule and leave you alone. I take no pleasure in having to communicate with you. The purpose of the emails and spread sheet is to elimate the need to talk with you at all.

The sooner we mutually agree the fine details, the sooner we can ignore each other altogether. That is my wish.

Stop dodging the simple questions I've asked and provide a simple response

1) Agreed or not?

2) Agreed or not?

3) Agreed or not?

It's not difficult"

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:20 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

The contact diary is not to be used for arguing or discussion. It is for pertinent aspects relating to the day to day aspects of the children. The contact diary will not be transfered between us via the children's schoool bags as that is innappropriate.

AAS - Is there any chance that the contact diary can be an electronic thing? A shared Google document perhaps that you both have access to? That way the information is available for both of you without ever worrying about how it gets back and forth between you.

I've been following your story but have never posted. Mostly because I can never come up with an appropriately calm response because your ex-wife makes me want to commit murder.

No advice. Just support. Hang in there.

If she makes you feel like committing murder, imagine how frustrated I am?!!!

I have to keep telling myself that this level of extreme anger cannot really be my fault. She simply has no sane reason to have anger for me.

If I consider my level of anger to by a 5/10 then she should be a 2/10 at most. She's at the 9/10 range at present and I've simply not done anything other than divorce her when she said she didn't want me anymore. A father asking to see his kids a fair and reasonable (not even 50%) amount of time shouldn't make a mother angry.

It's not me, It's not me, It's not me - breathe, count to 10