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Thought it'd be interesting to hear from all of you what your best advice was as you navigated through A aftermath. If not from IC or MC, maybe from a book or seminar. Maybe it was even an epiphany you had. Thanks guys. I know you'll have some good stuff.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 3:25 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

Deal with what is, not with what if.

Run.

Seriously. I didn't listen and here I am eleven years later and a second Dday.

most profound AND funniest: You have to forgive yourself for staying with this asshole - said in front of hubby by MC.

STBXWH's actions towards me reflect only his character, not mine. I struggle with this daily.

There were a lot but the one I remember ALL the time.. "They're (OW & WH) rolling around in the mid & getting dirty, you don't want to do that, stay clean"

That during the whole affair of 7 years I didn't have any choices, but I do now. I have choices in the direction my marriage takes, a choice in what I will accept or not accept, and a choice in how I will live my life from dday on.

Self care.

Teach8 I want to talk to your IC/MC. Good advice there.

Yme32313...it was great advice. And when I first heard it, I wasn't ready for it. It didn't seem to help. I felt so out of control, but it really is true. The infidelity happened to me. I didn't choose it, but I had choices from then on. It took a little time for that to sink in for me.

Because I didn't tell people and stayed, I had always felt like I was living a lie and being dishonest to the world. In my mind, that made me not much different than my husband, the cheater. Our MC explained to me that there is a difference between discretion and dishonesty. It took me a long time to see the difference, but I finally did and it helped me immensely.

"You cannot make sense out of nonsense. Don't even try."

I am prone to catastrophic thinking since the A. Any little thing spirals out of control in my mind. So the best advice my IC has given me is "no catastrophic thinking" - if I start to head down that path, take it to therapy and work it out there.

Has haved me numerous times from sleepless nights and painful days.

Reconciling is like parallel parking - backing up then moving forward.

I have a real problem with my mouth spouting before my brain kicks in. And then I have a Doh! Moment of why did I say that? If only I hadn't! So the advice I was given from IC Was it's better to have no conversation than a BAD one. Also linked to patience here - my WH is not a quick thinker when it comes to speech whilst I am. Often he pauses in mid speech whilst he's thinking what to say next, and that's when I have previously jumped in, and steam rolled him. So the practical advice I was given was to wait for ten secs before I respond. Often, my head of steam has then subsided, or he will have continued talking. My IC also gave me a physical zip which I have on my keys. I hold it and think about it when I'm talking to WH. It has stopped me going off on a trigger rant on many an occasion. I love my zip! It truly calms me. How sad is that!!

Our MC when we related the story (we went once)...Whenever I hear the word soulmate in a sentence, I know someone is trying to justify something really stupid.

I've told this before but it bears repeating. Our MC is an absolute genius.

JM and I were sitting in his office the day after I had discovered broken NC. And not just once. I was devastated, reeling. JM sat there with his head in his hands and said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to lie anymore but I can't stop lying. I don't want to hurt my wife, but it's all I seem to do."

Our MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you except being a selfish jerk who does exactly what he wants. You want to stop lying? TELL THE TRUTH. You want to stop hurting your wife? Stop hurting your wife!! Quit doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain!!"

Then came the real kicker. JM has a very traumatic incident in his past that involved a pool stick. Our MC was very aware of what the pool stick signified. He looked JM dead in the eye and said, "I tell you what, next time you get an urge to pick up the phone and call or text OW, just pick up a baseball bat and beat the heck out of HF with it. I guarantee it will hurt her less. Better yet, make it a pool stick."

Holy crap, I thought JM would start bleeding. But that was the turning point for us.

HFSSC- love that story!!

'It is what it is.' (About my lingering feelings for ex)

'Feel the feelings'

'Of course you still feel love for him... You're human.'

What I struggle with the most is how my heart has not caught up to the actual situation,and beating myself up for 'still' being sad, hurt, grieving, etc. Having permission and validation that those emotions are normal and okay is the most important thing for me. I think in R it's important to have your feelings be validated too in this way! Healing is slow, the hurt lingers and the pressure to magically wash it away is unproductive.

[This message edited by norabird at 9:35 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]

If you still love each other, even for faults that had happen, then it is worth trying and make it work no matter how long it takes.