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((((Jrazz)))

Hugs for today. Hope it is going better.

How goes life, J? Have you been able to have a real conversation with Crazz?

I'm hoping this is the one that actually 'takes' for Crazz, and I hope you find real peace and satisfaction with your decisions about what to do.

(((Jrazz)))

Thanks for checking in, loves. I'm working today but I will check back in later.

((((JRazz)))) I am so late to this, and so, so sorry for your pain. Trust yourself...

Jrazz honey I hope you are ok. Remember we all deserve live and respect. I hope you are focusing on having the strength to get it.

((((and strength))))

You know, I actually feel really focused. The magic of SI is that you have a community of people who really, REALLY get you and I have been able to talk this out so completely.

No loneliness on a grand scale. My sadness and confusion comes from loving Crazz and feeling that the real truth here is that I'm not my best self when I'm with him. I can't fix him - I can't change his shitty coping mechanisms. I can only work on me and my path, and of course whatever path seems healthiest for DD.

We had a pretty productive convo last night once he was done lashing out in anger because he was upset to have to confront what happened. The 180 really served me, and I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that there has been a dialogue opened wherein we can talk about the best way to be in any kind of relationship both for ourselves and for DD, even if that means some time apart.

Mindfulness is so crucial right now. I'm trying to make every step out of positivity instead of anger. Productivity instead of fear. I hope Crazz can do this with me.

(((JRAZZ ))) I'm so sorry you are hurt again. I love someone who is not healthy for me to love. He is working hard to change but at times I doubt everything. I have 4 kids watching and they have observed some really bad examples of love and relationships. I'm working on myself. I have become a stronger person and my kids see it. I have modeled enough bad behavior. He had to lose everything before he even started to change. It's up to you to decide what you want and accept nothing less than that. You are an amazing person and deserve only the best!

Jrazz -- have you considered that you may be being too willing to work 'with' him on his issues? There is a very fine line between having compassion for another person's issues and 'enabling' them to continue.

I know that CRazz has had a few boundary violations (nothing super major) in the past and that you aren't *feeling* the REAL R with him.

I haven't posted too much on your threads because I've *got nothin'* for your situation. If he were totally unremorseful? *I'm* your girl! But I've not really gotten a good *handle* on CRazz.

Maybe its time for you to take a firmer stance with him. You shouldn't have to keep dealing with and 'understanding' these boundary issues when they pop up. You're going to turn into an anxious, paranoid basket-case......always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sometimes the anger and fear feelings are telling you something that you need to hear. Remain mindful, but do not be so quick to tamp down the 'negative' (anger/fear) feelings. Being mindful just means don't lash out in a knee-jerk reaction with some statement that you won't be able to follow through on. It doesn't mean that you have to continue to feel disrespected and unheard just because your partner has 'issues.'

I agree, gonnabe - but the firmer stance is moving towards separation. I have been as firm as I can be here in terms of consequences while still working on R. I'm not not going to feed him after he's worked all day to provide for our family. I'm not going to stop being kind to him because he has issues with empathy.

Really, it's up to me to say that I'm either working on this or not. One of my miracle of friends reminds me that this is not a black and white situation. I'm not leaving myself as open as I used to about getting hurt because I'm detaching, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing here. There's no abuse, just unresolved personal issues (both of us) and an abysmal communication system. In regards to that, I've worked my ass off and I get admissions after blowups that he realized he's not meeting me.

Like I said - I am no saint. I have behaviors that can be pretty crappy to deal with, and although I'm trying to work on them I'm far from finished. We're just supposed to talk through this instead of lie and breed resentment. That's the death knell of a relationship in my opinion. We're none of us blameless unicorns, but we can at least own our shit instead of fighting introspection kicking and screaming until someone takes our candy away.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:22 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

Mindfulness is so crucial right now. I'm trying to make every step out of positivity instead of anger. Productivity instead of fear. I hope Crazz can do this with me.

You are really in a "good" place emotionally for being in a "bad" place right now, if that makes any sense.

I wish you continued clarity and strength to make the best decisions for you and your precious family.

(((hugs)))

Jrazz, you always sound like such a wonderful, giving, compassionate, self-aware person on here. I think that you are going to be a fantastic partner for the right someone. He sounds like a very difficult person to be with and he is so lucky to have you as the person giving him the chance to grow. Honestly, not that many people would work with him the way you are. Even if you are not perfect you are doing more than most people would.

I hope that he rises to the occasion and truly begins to appreciate how lucky he is before it is too late. I don't know you and I don't now all your talents, but it is obvious that one of them is this... being able to nurture someone even when it is difficult. My wish for you is that you use that generous gift wisely and on the right person or people, so that it is not wasted.

(((jrazz))) hugs to you!

(((JRazz)))

That's the death knell of a relationship in my opinion

Why then does he continue to ring the bell. I won't say he's doing nothing, but is it more than the bare minimum? Is that a way to live?

Really, it's up to me to say that I'm either working on this or not.

I get admissions after blowups that he realized he's not meeting me.

It always has been. As I asked earlier, is this the way you want to live? When will it be incumbent on him to become proactive?

Sending you strength. This sounds like you are suffering a slow death from a thousand cuts. I'm sorry.

Of course it's not the way I want to live, 5454real. Admittedly, I've never been good at pulling the trigger on anything. I wouldn't consider myself a hopeful optimist... maybe I'm a hopeful analyst? Self flagellating analyst?? Analyst/Therapist? (Arrested Development anyone? )

The complicated part is that I care about him. As a friend. As the father of my daughter. As someone who loves him. The more I detach, the more I feel sorry for him that he constructs a false reality around himself that ultimately means the destruction of any meaningful relationship. Sure, I've paid a heavy price for ignoring or trying to work past this, but when I am able to comfortably step outside for a moment I find I have a lot of compassion for the crap hand he was dealt at learning to deal with things. Doesn't unconditional love dictate that we love someone despite their brokenness? That doesn't mean I have to stay married to him, but it does mean that I can take whatever route I feel works to try and give him a healthy place to land, if I can.

Does that make sense? There is a change in the wind here, I can feel it. There is a new sadness... I think mourning is creeping in, and I'm going to let it.

I should have known. You *get* it.

Sending Mojo and prayers.

Sometimes it seems to me, that when we're ready to let go, to take a healthy step away, we can see with more clarity and compassion, the structure of the person that we're taking a step away from. We can empathize with then, acknowledge who and what they are, and then compassionately let go. (((hugs)))

I don't know if this will help so...well, you know the spiel.

I stayed in limbo for a long time because of WH's issues. Trying for real R, facing some time of violation/limitation, contemplating D. Always wondering what was ultimately the best choice for me - and that always seemed to be changing (hence, the limbo).

Somewhere along the way, instead of trying to figure out what made me happy (lots of different terminology but the concept is still the same) I started to ask myself, does this situation promote my *growth*? Sometimes - often times - that comes in the form of *provoking* us - the stimulus that brings about change.

That's not to say that one should martyr themselves. There comes a time that the cost to return ratio is counterproductive. I think we intuitively know those situations.

Just saw this thread and wanted to offer ((((Hugs)))) for both you and Crazz.

I'm so sorry your husband is having such a difficult time with communication and FOO issues--change is hard, and it sucks. You sound so incredibly grounded and compassionate though, and saint or no saint, I believe you have been giving and will give this relationship every chance, and if you have to walk, you'll know that it was a necessary choice.

I hope it doesn't come to that, as your heart is with Crazz, and I send you both all the best wishes for continued (if sometimes rocky) healing. You are strong and brave and compassionate, and those qualities will serve you well, regardless of what the future brings.

I should have known. You *get* it.

I'm sorry if I came off snarky, 545. Obviously there's getting it in general, and getting it enough to make an intelligent decision... and I'm not quite at the finish line there. I really appreciate your advice - please keep the tough love coming.

(((Jrazz)))

Oh gosh, I don't even know what to say so...(((Jrazz)))

Sometimes a separation is exactly what both parties need. I can assure you, Mr and I would have never entered R if it hadn't been for our separation.

Some endings make the best new beginnings. It's just scary as hell.

Jrazz,

A quick question for you: How are you with receiving empathy? How does that feel to you?