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The dollar dance at weddings is a cultural thing. I don't have an issue with that. It gives people a minute to dance with the bride or groom and it is typically very silly and fun. Also, not everyone dances, so it is not a pressure if you do or don't. The couple is also expected to visit each table etc, so it is not the only chance to have a word with the couple.

The fee shower, nope. Count me in the old group. I really think that having this instead of a more typical shower robs both the bride and the attendees of many blessings (including manners). I think that if more people focused on the marriage instead of the wedding.... The shower is a chance to hear some wisdom from those who have been down the road. Also, many of the gifts that I would never have thought to request via registry have become my favorites over the years. I like a registry because it can give you insight to their tastes. I think of it as a suggestion, not a mandate.

I never heard of the Jack And Jill, but it sounds similar to how many bachelor parties are held where I grew up.

I agree with the tacky remarks. To me bridal showers should be for household needs and ahem, special bedroom items.

Weddings are the proper place for money gifts. I generally buy off the registry but if the couple is young and poor I'll give honeymoon money.

As an aside if I bought gifts for every wedding or shower I was invited to *I* would be the poor one. With hundreds of twenty something medical students, premeds, and residents I train the number of invitations is staggering (like one a week). In order not to offend I've had to make it a rule to only attend family and close friends weddings and showers.

t/j Addendum

The last two showers to which I was invited (nieces-in-law) - both were by Evite invitation only (no paper invitation).

No one ever received a thank you note/card from the baby shower niece.....she just stood up and thanked everybody in general for coming.....

The last one I couldn't go because of a winter storm but my SIL still had the shower because the engaged couple lived in the basement. This wedding was a destination wedding in mid-March. Several family members couldn't attend the shower due to the weather and most didn't travel for the wedding in the Caribbean, either. I still have the shower gifts (this is from February) and was asked to hold on to them until the family has a wedding celebration in June at which time H and I will also give the bride and groom their wedding gift.

Never heard of a fee shower.

With 20 something DDs I seem to be cultivating shower and wedding invites from their friends.

I've been invited to:

kitchen shower-all things found in the kitchen.

Bedroom shower-all things bed and bath related.

Jack and Jill - things for both.

New house shower - anything handy person related. They were registered at Home Depot and Lowes the house was a fixer upper. A bunch of us got together and followed their landscaping plan and had it done while they were on their honeymoon. It was a blast being a garden elf!

I haven't been asked for cash and I'll decline the invite if I get one. I think it's incredibly rude.

K

A bunch of us got together and followed their landscaping plan and had it done while they were on their honeymoon. It was a blast being a garden elf!

^^^ awesome!^^^

t/j - How about all the parties before the wedding!!! We had a friend who had an engagement party, the wife had a bridal shower, there was the bachelor/bachelorette party, WH was in the wedding so there was the expense of that, and then the wedding gift! End t/j

A bunch of us got together and followed their landscaping plan and had it done while they were on their honeymoon. It was a blast being a garden elf!

That is truly awesome. I would have flipped out if someone did that for me. What a generous thing to do.

The whole thing feels so icky to me. I am always so happy to support my friends and family with checks or gift cards either for an occasion or when they go off to college, get married or buy a house or graduate. But if they asked me for money, arranged a whole event that centered around me being obligated to give them money - it would take all of the joy out of it and all of the feelings of generosity would leave me. I wouldn't want to do it. I'd rather give a boost or a gift to someone who wants me to celebrate with them for the love of each other or pride in an accomplishment or big life step, not like inviting 300 at x $200 per person as if it's a cover charge at a club. Nuh uh.

So.... I wonder if I am expected to send cash even though I'm not coming

Am I the only one that originally read the title as "Pee Shower" and was totally shocked and disgusted?

Nope! I see that every single time it comes up on the Forum main page.

Never heard of a fee shower.

The Jack and Jill sounds like what we call a Stag and Drag around here.

Stag and Drags are usually very fun, and can get very rowdy. The bride and groom provide food (all you can eat) and drink (all you can drink), for a "donation" usually around $5 a person. Then, the bridal party sells "tips" (raffles) usually for bottles of booze, or prize baskets, etc. They will usually also sell 50/50s.

Sometimes they have texas hold em tournaments, too.

The Bride and Groom usually will put $400-500 into their party, and come out with LOTS more.

It's very common to see them advertised in the newspaper/bars/private clubs so lots of people show up, not just friends and family of the bride and groom.

We do dollar dances here, if the bride and groom want to. It's a common thing. You pay your dollar (or $10,20,50 whatever you want to give) you get your pick of the bride or groom, you do a shot and you dance for about 30 seconds.

I don't think I'd do the dollar dance at my wedding, but many of my cousins have done it at theirs.

Bridal showers are the norm...and if the couple has lived together a long time, I've seen many couples ask for a donation to their favorite charity in leiu of gifts or cash.

all of the feelings of generosity would leave me

absolutely. when MIL had a fee shower for SIL, I bought a gift before I knew that it was money only. I was really excited for SIL and wanted to get her something nice. The gift was $40 (and I was 22, so that was expensive to me)

When I was told to return the gift and only give money, I just gave $25. I thought that was the lowest acceptable amount, and I really did not feel generous anymore.

WHat also made me feel less than generous was when I heard the bride say, "Im only marrying the groom because hes the only one who asked"

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:11 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]

I've never heard of a Fee shower prior to opening this thread. I hope I'm never invited to one. I'm having a regular bridal shower next month, but no games. Food. Prizes. Gifts. It's my 2nd wedding so I wasn't sure if I should have a shower or not. My mom said, why not? If people don't want to go, they don't have to go.

I think that sounds lovely, little turtle! I think it's completely appropriate to throw a party like that! DH and I are second marriages, and we threw a barbecue in the yard of our completely empty, 'paint chips taped to the wall' new home as a sort of pre-wedding party. I guess you could say shower, but we said we didn't want gifts but just a fun party to get our friends and families together as a group before the wedding.

I misread this topic as a 'Free Shower', then saw it said 'Fee Shower'. I was thinking it had to do with those pay showers you see at some campgrounds.

I've never heard of what you are describing. I've heard of donating money to the honeymoon if the person donating wants to do that, rather than buying a toaster or a crockpot or whatever.

An amusing side note: when my daughter got married they had an axe listed on their wedding registry. They like camping so it made sense, even though I didn't figure anyone would actually buy it for them. Someone did and it turned out to be one of my best friends!

I thought it would be a good way to help with tuition fees. LOL.

Now there's an idea...

I usually stay away from this topic, because I know that if I state my opinions (and they are just that, my opinions) I will inevitably be knocking something that someone else has done at their wedding, but some of you have opened the door so here goes...

Etiquette isn't a choice, it is a set of established social norms that help people navigate their way in polite society. Ignoring it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it still does and you will have guests who choose to follow it. This doesn't make them old-fashioned. I'm so sick of hearing that the wedding day is all about the bride and groom - so if they want a gluten free/costume required/dry reception that is three hours away from the ceremony - that is their prerogative. I disagree. The ceremony is about the bride and groom taking their vows, the reception is FOR their guests, to thank them for celebrating in their special day. The bride and groom should be thinking of their guests and what would make them happy, not about how they can recoup the cost of the wedding from them!!

I do not like dollar dances, requesting cash as gifts, registries that collect money for something (e.g. honeymoon activities) when in fact the bride and groom can use it however they like, and any of the other money-grubbing 'traditions' that people use. You are free to choose them, but it is and always will always be tacky.

There is no requirement that you give a gift when attending a wedding and there should be no expectation of getting one, let alone one that meets the monetary threshold that the bride and groom deem acceptable. A gift is something you give freely and the only thing that is required when giving one is a thank you from the recipient.

[This message edited by kwash at 7:06 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

So.... I wonder if I am expected to send cash even though I'm not coming

The people issuing the invitation probably expect it, but Miss Manners always says that polite excuses and the sending of your best wishes is a perfectly acceptable response. (She tends to be particularly encouraging of such a response when what the Gentle Reader has received is a large begging bowl, loosely wrapped in something purporting to be an invitation.)

[This message edited by Cally60 at 8:26 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)]

Ditto Kwash!!

Slight T/J

Am I the only one that originally read the title as "Pee Shower" and was totally shocked and disgusted?

No but I have in the past 2 days misread it as Free Shower, as in we went camping and they had free showers..... So not only misread, but misinterrepted what I am reading.

that's what a 3 day migraine does to you....