SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Still wondering when those antidepressants are going to kick in.

I received a gift card from the dentist for referring my husband here to get his tooth extracted! lol..... Since I'm out of money - I guess I will use that as our gift for the graduation party tonight.

You know I dind't do anything wrong - even if he does deny having an emotional affair - at a minimum one year of calls ... Holy CHRIST ONE YEAR!!!!!!

He put this big X on the calendar - Jne 21st I asked him what's with the X - he said it's the begininning of summer. I don't buy it. I wonder what that is about? Some deadline he has in his head? Who knows what is in this man's head anymore. I don't. I hear foot steps up stairs. I don't know if it's H or my roommate. And you know I am having angst because I am typing down in the basement and smoking - becaues what .. it could be him and what I have to stop everything to go greet him because what he does not feel loved if I don't stop. It just feels controllling to me. And I'm just going to finish what I started writting.

YOu knwo that whole thing about my first confrontation about his EA, I had this thinking that he would just admit it, be repentent and we would work it out. LOL It sooo didn't work out that way did it?

half the time I want to slap him and hte other half I just want to cry and feel him hug me... so pathetic.

I wish there was somewhere you could go just to have time to yourself..Be physically miles away from him with no deadline to see him again..

New clarity in decision making can make itself known when the person who has offended and hurt you in the worst way is nowhere around...

Stay with your neighbor. Seriously, let your H know all you know, and leave. You aren't some bimbo, you are his wife. You deserve so much better from him, and you should show him you will not accept less.

I'm sorry your H has his head so far up his ass. It's infuriating. He's a liar, and he's spending his time with some other woman every time you turn your back. Gee, I wonder why you feel like a mad woman?

Get away from him. Leave him to see that you won't accept less than a full husband, and that this OW is just that.

My H stopped when I threw him out. It's amazing how clear things become when the wife decides she's done. Suddenly, what's real and what matters comes right into focus, and the lala land of the EA doesn't seem so enticing.

I'd back and leave when he was out. I'd leave a short note telling him you know how much time he spends on her, and you are done. Leave a copy of 'Not Just Friends' on the table, and go.

If he wakes up, fantastic. You have a full husband back, one who realizes you'll leave his ass if he isn't true to you. If not, this nightmare is over, for good!

(((hugs)))

Yesterday was strange. The H is talking to me, relating to me - almost normal. I wonder what has gone on in his head. I am liking this shift.

I hope that he has finally come around so that we can have a week of normalacy and then I can get to the serious business of addresssing his inappropriate and "private" life. I know I'm going to have to see a counselor so I can figure out how to do it. IS there a script for this? Everyone talks about setting the boundaires, ect. but how to approach it. considering that we really having been talking for over a week. I don't even know how to start the conversation and what it should include, ect. "Dude, you screwed up. Having a "private" aka secret life from your wife is wrong. Marriage is about sharing your life - not creating a second one to be hidden. Second, that your second life included women and in particular one woman with whom you have been sharing your life in secret for over a year with 1-2 hour conversations at least once a week if not more - is wrong. It is a violation of our marriage. ..crap have to go to work... any thoughts?

This week will be a week from hell at work with VIPs coming, a wedding to do (I'm a florist) the same day as the VIPs and no help in the shop.

The Airconditioning is broken in our house - I'm worried about the dog. I started to have an anxiety attack at work yesterday morning in the middle of inventory. Had to take a Zanax.

Yeah, the other day I went to borrow his sunglasses from his glove compartment, the very same one I flipped out on - he said to me "Do you expect there to be something in my truck everytime you come in here?" I said, "Actually, no. I like these sunglasses they look cool." Which was the truth, I wanted to add though - I already know what I need to know and wanted to say, is there something else I need to know also?" The previous day we went to home depot and I was standing by the truck waiting for him and he goes into the back of his truck. I'm waiting and like wtf is he doing... He was getting his job number from his sachel, but got real defensive and made a face. I KNEW he thought I was trying to see in his sachel. I dont' need to see it anymore, because I already saw that he dug out of the trash can the six months of phone bills that I used to confront him with that had all those calls on it. I can't wrap my head around why he would pull it out of the trash and keep it.

will write more tommorrow, need some sleep and it's 84 in the house.. more on that... too.

I really don't know what I am doing- feeling anymore. It's a roller coaster. I'm up- I'm down - I don't feel very focused.

ok so I am going to write a list of my current problems and facts - maybe that will help me focus.

1. H has a facebook page that does not indicate he is married.

2. H facebook page says "interested in women" in the "About" section.

3. H changed facebook page which nows shows a heart, but put "ask" next to it to find out. So, I guess that means it's private?

4. H has been making calls to a woman I don't know about for at least one year.

5. H calls are at least once a week, but often 2-3 times a week.

6. H calls are approximately 30-45 with alternatiing 90-120 minute calls during the week.

7. H calls occur after work -during his commute home or at times that I am working.

8. H phone is password protected. He told me he was going to do this because his phone was sending out messages to people.

9. After confrontation he says they are just friends.

10. I've done nothing wrong.

11. I like talking to her.

12. Call her if you want. I have nothing to hide.

13. H says I have whole private life you don't know about because I know how you are.

14. I ask for no contact.

15. I ask for password to be removed.

16. I ask for phone call to let me know when coming home.

17. I ask him to tell me how much his putting in bank to pay bills.

18. Password not removed.

19. no contact violated.

20. comes home directly from work, but no calls.

21. three times let me know about money.

22. Acts like I have wounded him.

23. Says My doubts of his fidelity have caused him to rethink if he wants to be in this relationship.

This is not helping any. I'm tired of writing and thinking about it, but I can't stop. It's just the same crap over and over in my head.

The air conditioning is broken. His cousin came over and said that it is not repairable it's a 1970 model. Quote for is 3,500. We don't have it. I maxed out my only credit card we have left on my tooth one month ago. We just received a 247.00 tax check - maybe we will go to lowe's and just get a window air conditioner.

Gos, I htink I'm going to have to take a zanax. I keep obessing withthis and reading posts here.

I keep thinking maybe I will just go to work and donate some time to get their place inorder. to do something because I can't even look for a job now. Oh god I'm heart broken. Why can't he just be transparent! It's killing me. Why can't I get my act together. What's happened to me. I used to be so driven and focused and now I can't find my way. I'm so scared of everything it seems like. I've got to get out of the house because all I am doing is spinning my wheels.

Obsessing is normal.

I read your list and I think you know what it says. He has checked out of your marriage and is doing it like a coward.

So, take him at the face value of his actions, and act to show him that you won't accept a marriage where you have to walk on eggshells, where you don't feel secure and loved. See a lawyer and be willing to file if he won't meet your demands. Right now he's blameshifting and rugsweeping, and it's emotional abuse.

I know that sounds extreme. Sometimes a wake-up call is what they need to take responsibility and step up. But whatever his reaction, it sets you on a path to respecting your needs and reaching out for the life you deserve.

Hugs to you sweetie. This is hard but pull on your bitch boots and stand up for yourself--having some power will make it easier, though the pain will still be there.

Thank you for the sage advise.

I got out some book sfrom the library on the healing library and it has been illuminating for me.

I had a sudden realization this evening which I will write about later, but just had to get it out...

If he saw her in El Salvador... why was she there at the same time as him????? .... BECAUSE IT WAS PLANNED .. idiot me!!!!! WTF!~

Yesterday was really hard - particularily at work with all the stress of these VIPs- lol about 6 other store managers there, the district manager and a whole host of other somebodies telling everyone what to do!

I had to redo the bridal bouquet because some of the roses were dying - that totally freaked me out as I had to leave the wedding for 2 visiting florists because they wouldn't pay me over time and the other florists were pissed at me! Anyway, not my porblem - out of my hands.

In the midst of this I am having these reocurring thoughts about how come she was in El Salvador the same time he was - when this trip was suppossed to be because his dad - just couldn't stand being in this country a moment more and that it was his turn to take him - someone must accompany his father because he doesn't read - the family rotates taking their parents to their home country El Salvador. That was the only reason why I agreed to it - because the next trip was supposssed to be OUR trip - together. I was deeply hurt that he was going to take his dad and that there wasn't enough money for me to go, and also because it was so last minute that I couldn't take vacation at work - he was leaving during Christmas. He has talked longingly for years about how Christmas holidays are in El Salvador and I knew he wanted really wanted to do that at sometime. HOWever, the next trip, he promised would be OURS! And of course it was high flower season so there was NO WAY I could go. Also for the previous three years I was in charge of feeding the homeless at the local church - just the porganizer of volunteers bt I usually went every night of Christmas week to help out. This year I wasn't doing it as I needed a break.

Anyway, ... so there we were on the couch and everything is feeling so good. He was rubbing my foot because I had a really rough day at work and my back and shoulder were hurting me and then WHAM it hit me.... He said he saw her in El Salavador during my failed first confrontation. What was she doing there at the same time as him??? I was totally pissed because I realized that it MUST have been a planned trip... that he DID IT to visit with her or some group of friends or something... but the MAIN point was that he had forsaken OUR trip! I was livid and completely shut down. He asked me several times what was wrong and I couldn't tell him because I knew I was going to explode! I should have told him right then and there... why do I have such trouble expressing anger? Well that's simple enough it's a FOO family of orgin issue for sure! I was pohysically and emotionally abused when I was a child so these kind of intense emotions are extremely difficult for me to handle and express.

So Ihad major anxiety at work aboutthis and so I called him. In one sense it was a mistake because of course, I did not receive the kind of support I needed at the moment, but it also gave me a gauge of where he is in his head, too. ANd why, in part, he can not give me the support I need now. The first part is that I have not told him since our big blow out that I do not believe this "friend" is a friend and that she is the "OW". So, he is thinking that I am freaking out about the things he has said to me in terms of not feeling connected, that I have forgotten about him and all the other sundry feelings that he has had which he has stuffed into himself for a REALLY LONG TIME and not told me about until that first blow out.

Second, I haven't talked because I have been so scared to talk about what is really bothering me - her and his relationship - and when he shut down because he couldn't handle any more emotionally from me - I haven't been able to communicate all the rest of the shit going on in my head.

Third, he probably hasn't even realized that the first things that I asked him to do for me were deal breakers for me. And because I haven't brought them back up as major issues they have layed there dormant, festering for me - and for him by now just "more things" I am demanding of him to prove his love to me. He believes that he has already proved his love to me by sticking with me through everything that has happened from school, from not getting a job, by one night stand that I had seven years ago. Yes, I did and have never forgivenmyself for it which is why I think I've taken as much abuse as I have because I felt that it was my due punishment for what I did to him. ( I was completely and honestly remorsefl, answered his questions, was transparent ect. However, I did also blame him as well and I shouldn't have done that. I was living in a sexless marriage.) So, at the end of out big blow up I was teling him that this "friend" issue was " I feel like our marriage is at stake here." He tells me that our marriage was "already at stake and it was over then." Remember what I told you then that I wouldn't leave until you had a job." I don't remember he told me so many things then. I knokw that I feel now what I felt then and I had real problems trying to stay alive then. I had to call the suicide hotline many times to get threw it. I don't feel that way now in terms of ending my life - but the highest level of anxiety that I had then I have now. That';s why eveytime I went down to smoke and then I came up and told him - I was playing a game it was to reassure him that I wasn't doing anything wrong which I haven't - but what he was looking for was me telling him that I had been job searching or put in an application or doing something productive other than that - or maybe that he feels that I'd rather smoke then spend time with him. I have no idea at this point because we are just trying to repair the rift that is now apon us.

So, I think for him he is at a loss because he can't imagine why I don't think he doesn't love me. It doesn't matter that many times when I ask him about why he is withdrawn, that he doesn't seem very loving or why I always have to iniate sex - he brings up all the things that I do wrong for him and that he loves me, but that I do these bad things to myself like continue to smoke, not getting enough rest by staying up late smoking and playing games ect. I keep doing it now matter how manyt times he asks me to stop. And when I do this he get angry and withdrawls which I interrupt as loss of love. I keep trying to change and I can't seem to do it. But now I have and it seems like it's too late because he thinks what more can I do to prove my love to her?

(so all this to preface when I asked him on the phone when I told him that I was so sad about us and why he couldn't say nice things to me.. he says because I have a bad feeling when I say them and even if I say them they go away). Meaning, H believe eventhough he may say them they go away in your mind anyway - they don't stick.) He says, you treat me like a stranger - how can I say them to you. (that's the 180) but for me it's that he is not giving me anything back to work with so I stopped. I htink he feels betrayed - that I htink he is the one that has an EA. He thinks that I've caused this huge uproar in our lives, that our lives would have continued in this positive path because I've made all these changes but that given our relationship a severe blow by calling out this secrete life. It's denial for sure, but at least I tink I'm finally getting to understand where he is coming from - why he thinks that he is the hurt party, why he thinks that there is nothing more he can do to "prove" his love for me. But I really dont' think he gets it - where I am, what this "secret" friendship, the facebook page all of this has done to me, and I saw her in El Salvador too comment. Anyway, now I am just rambling in a twisted all about way. He thinks he is justified, he thinks I'm the one that has checked out, he thinks I am the one that has stopped trying. That's why he says "namehere, I am alway trying. I am always trying to please you." He doesn't believe that I am trying or acknowledging the things that he has done for our love.

All I know is that we are pretty messed up now, have been for a awhile. Both of us. That this is goign to be a process. Both of us our working today. I work 6 hours on sunday and he may also have to work as well. There is another family event tommorrow his mother's B-day party. Time for me to get ready for work.

You know what's really sad?

Every move you make, every thought you have, every thing you do, and every thing you think are ALL based on him and his reactions.

Should I smoke here or there - because of HIM? Should I say this or say that - based on HIS reaction? Should I do this or that - based on how HE would like it?

You're no longer living your life for you.

You're living it for him.

I know. But I don't know how to live it otherwise. I mean I did but somehow I've lost myself in this mess.

Yes, but also know that I am trying to wrap my mind around what has happened in my life. It my mind trying to make sense of my crazy world at this time. I am the classic page 13 on After the Affair - the hurt partners response. The ability to see myself clearly right now is at an all- time low.

I'm really trying hard to turn my mind off, but it's really hard. I'm having trouble eating still. I am definately down 30 pounds. My dog started to run around to the front of the house and i was in my work pants and they fell down to my knees when I ran around to get him! It was pretty funny - if it wasn't so sad. Yes, and moood swings in extremes - I need to save the relationship at any cost and the other - I need to kick him out."

Back and forth back and forth....

He is working late tonight and he asked me what my plans were I told him that I expected to watch the soccer game with him tonight. But I also did ask a couple of people about clubs tonight so that we could go out dancing. And that led to a strange conversation - a stilted one at that. But whatever, I am doing what I want right now which is writting and then I'm going to see if the next door nighbor is doing anything and I'm going over for a drink. i have to work tommorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it because there was a DJ there and I finally got to listen to some decent music, some of my favorites that make me feel happy. It was the only way I felt that I could have gotten through the day without the Zanax. I'm trying hard not to take too many because they can be addicting suppossedly. lol ... like I can actually tell other than I don't feel like I'm going out of my mind! lol ....I guess if someone who is not so depressed takes them they must make them feel fabulous I guess. Me it just makes me feel normal! lol ..

Third, he probably hasn't even realized that the first things that I asked him to do for me were deal breakers for me

Gently - no, they weren't. If they were, you'd be separated. You're not. You're 'hoping' he suddenly changes. He won't. What reason is there for him to change?

Do you have any real dealbreakers? Or boundaries? You're so focused on him and his actions, responses, etc, that I don't think you've given much thought to what your boundaries and expectations are. Do you expect a husband to respect you? Will you settle for less? Do you expect openness? Are you willing to live without it? Etc. What are your dealbreakers, boundaries, expectations?

As far as the calls - I would plant a VAR in his car. The next time he makes the call from his car, you'll have his side of the conversation, and you'll know how deep the relationship is. They're relatively inexpensive - $40, give or take - and it will tell you all the things he isn't willing to tell you.

I'm sorry you're in this much pain, but I and others have said, until he has a reason to change, he won't. He's all about himself, and he's shown you time and again with his actions that your emotional well being and security mean nothing to him. He's tolerating you. Is that really ok with you?

Yes, I do have some boundaries, but perhaps the boundaries which are not serving me here. No physical, no verbal like calling names ect. Which he hasn't done - but obviously I have boundary issues. I am working on them.

Two more blow-outs. One yesterday morning before I went to work - had anxiety attack at work had to take Zanax. Went to birthday party and talked with each family member about just general stuff and told them that I loved them. Because I'm not sure how long I will still be able to see them - as I sense my relationship with H is eroding fast. Who knows when or if I will see them again.

I had a lot of thinking time in the car driving home, because we took separate cars since he was on a side job still when I got off of work. Thinkign a lot about my non-existent boundaries. What I Derserve. It's tiem to start thinking of me now. My sanity. That he thinks that he can just say this S+ to me and I will take it? No. not anymore.

Another blow out this morning. I asked him "Is my husband still in there? Because I don't know anymore. You tell me one thing, then another. I honestly don't know when you are telling the truth anymore. I need to know the truth." He says' I'm here with you. I tell him, yeah you are here physically. He says, "what more do you want from me?" I just look at him. He just leaves mad.

Yesterday's blow up. I tell him what I thought about the El Salvador comment. He tells me that no he didn't see her, that the trip was all about helping his dad see his sister for the last time before she died and that he spent all his time with his dad. and for me to ask his dad. I tell him, why did you say that then? He says, I don't know. I tell him. How cruel can you be? That is just cruel. I tell him, the secret friend is WAY over the line, the facebook way over the line. He say's I was so alone. I say, So was I. But he cuts me off.

There's more stuff - does he want out? Ect.... But, yOu know I am tired of writing this S+. I need to get ready for work. Stupid job that I hate. My life that I hate right now. But you know, I need to just get my f+ act together and fix my s* and make my life better. Period.

Please stop asking him if he still loves you. Please stop taking his emotional temperature. Please stop trying to save the marriage all by yourself. You are giving him all your "power." You are allowing him to mistreat you.

I know the 180 feels wrong, it seems counterintuitive. But it's what you need to save your sanity and your soul. Later you will look back and you will die inside that you allowed him to treat you this way and still were pleading for him to stop. It's not going to work. You behaving in the loving, desperate to save the marriage way is actually only reinforcing his CRAZY, abusive belief that he is correct in treating you this way. MC is not appropriate here--as he is doing NOTHING to indicate he wants to save this marriage. He is having cake and eating it too and I am sure he likes it very much like this, with you tying yourself in knots to keep him and him being an abusive shit.

Ok, you've tried that and it didn't work. You have to do something else now. You cannot stop this or make him act like a decent person. Right now, he is NOT a decent person. So all you can do is help yourself. NOt change yourself to be who he says he wants (he is just saying the most hurtful things possible, to hit you below the belt and get you to take ownership of his behavior). But do the 180 to reclaim your dignity and self esteem. I also recommend Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. But don't let him know you are reading that book or doing the 180. Just do it.

I have been on this board a long time. I have seen your situation many times. I have been in a similar one. And every time, it is not until the BS takes her power back and detaches emotionally from the cheater that the cheater wakes up.I have never seen the cheater wake up when the BS continues pleading with him to stop acting so hateful and cold. They just think they are ok to keep acting like that, because obviously the BS still loves them and is apologiing to them for the fact the WS "has" to cheat.

Don't let him trample your soul. His behavior is NOT your fault. You were in a bad marriage too--you did not cheat. He lies to you about money to control you--you did not cheat. He lies to you about eveyrthing--you did not cheat. He says shitty things to you about letting yourself go--you still did not cheat. If you said that to him, he woul dprobably say he needed to cheat because you made him feel worthless sexually. Yet, somehow...you did not cheat.

Please demand better for yourself. Many hugs.

YOu all are right.

I have no boundaries.

I can not control him.

I can not nice him back.

Yes, they are all his reasons why he has done this in his mind. The latest is that even when I promised to learn Spanish so I could communicate with his parents. I tried to learn Spanish several times. Language auistion is very hard for me as a I have a learning disablity. But it's no excuse. It's true I haven't learned it.

But it really doesn't matter anymore does it?

Because I am a shell of myself. There is nothing left.

You are right he is only tolerating me. He is only here because of obligation, because I don't have a job to support myself.

I gave up. I give up. My life has been misery since I graduated. For what? All this work, dedication for what? For a ten dollar hour job at a grocery store?

I had so little left - him and now I don't have him anymore. I"ve fucked up my life. And now I have to live with what I've done to it by my inactions. What's left just me and my fucked up life surrounded by books that I believed in, a dream that didn't happen.

I have to go walk my dog. I will write more afterwards.

ShiftingSand, it is hard not to feel hopeless when you have been betrayed like this. But do not buy into his version of you. Your dream has not happened YET. You are still alive. Your story is still being written. SO many people feel this way and it is the driving force behind their future success. They get past feeling like life will never be good again and MAKE their lives good again. It's hard to see that when you are depressed (give your anti-ds time, they will catch up)

You speak as though you are a failure and it's all over and no hope of ever being better. I know that is what it feels like. THAT IS NOT REALITY. Your biggest problem right now is not your grocery store job. It's not the fact your husband is a liar and a cheat (that doesn't help).

It's that YOU are in an abusive marriage with an emotionally abusive husband who is destroying your self esteem. Who lies constantly. Who is controlling.

You are intelligent, you are loving, you are loyal. You are worth being loved and respected.

So what if you didn't learn Spanish? When was the last time HE did ANYTHING for someone other than himself???

Shut out the noise from husband that says he has the right to do what he wants to because YOU did this, you did that (I bet he has these same excuses at work or with any situation where stuff goes wrong. It's never his fault, is it? Ever. Has he ever accepted responsibility for anything that he has had a hand in? Or does he always blameshift like this? I think I know the answer.) He doesn't deserve you. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!

We are here for you. WE know you are worth more!!!

[This message edited by inknots at 9:48 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Thank you so much!!! Inknots. You have no idea how many times I read your message yesterday at work - must have been a dozen, at least! Everytime that I started feeling shaky, gut rolling anxiety. I even took a zanax but it didn't help, but I've started trying to breath deeply because when you are stressed your breathing changes and taking long breaths helps to diffuse you. So, I've been doing that when my mind starts winding up. I had to actually start counting down the hours at work saying to my self- you just need to get through the next minute here. Just breathe. Then you are almost to break time - just keep it together for 45 minutes and then you can break down. That was my mantra for the day.

So, let me tell you how I finally came to my conclusions - I can not control him, I have no boundaries and I am living with an ass.

Last night, while I thought I had the upper hand I pulled out his phone from the drawer and said - held out the phone to him. He said, "What did someone call?" I said, "this is what I want. I want the passcode to the phone." He just started at me - shocked. I waited. He said, "No. I am not giving it to you. It's my right. I pay for it. That's why we have two phones your's and mine. You can not control me." I said, "This is not about control. This is about trust." He said, "You'll never trust me again." I said, "Oh, really? You just decided that for me huh? This is what I am attempting to do - TRUST YOU! Why do you think I am STILL HERE - working on it?" He said, "You will just be all over me. I'm telling you right now I'm not giving it to you." I said, "Well then you can just sleep in the other room then." He said, "What?" and I said, "Yeah". So, then he said, well do you want the air conditioner in YOUR room then?" I said, Yes, and he hauled the portable A/C unit to our bedroom. I went out on the deck and smoked, and smoked. He stayed happy as a clam on the couch it seemed. He made is coffee for the morning and saved me what was in the coffee pot as he made me coffee when I got home. I came in and told him (Wow you saved me coffee, that was very considerate of you. and honestly meant it.) I went back on the deck and he went to bed in the spare room (which has no A/C). I went and visited a neighbor - because I knew now that he had forced my hand - that our marriage was going downhill in a serious, fast way. Anyway, I came home feeling like shit and then looked at the counter and saw that he did not leave his phone charging in the kitchen drawer. OMG, he actually took his phone with him to the spare bedroom to charge! I just laughed out loud! What a freaking idiot! How immature - how ridiculous! I went on the deck and just freaking laughed! LOL he just doesn't GET IT! I ALREADY have what I need to know - the phone calls and facebook page - there is nothing else I need to know because it is all there. I knew then, that the phone is HIS ISSUE - not mine. This is HIS Problem not mine.

Then instead of going to bed in my room - what do I do? I go to the spare bedroom - this is where I found out I have no boundaries anymore. I said, "this is silly. If you need your privacy fine, whatever. It doesn't matter anymore to me. It's stiffling in here - come in the bedroom. He said, "This is what you wanted." (oh, poor baby I thought). I said, "Well, now it's your choice. I've made an olive branch - a peace gesture to you." I was sitting on the bed and he said, "who told you to pull my phone records?" I said, "What? uh, noone. Me." He said, I know you lied about why you went to there you said you went to pay my bill. You never do that." I actually couldn't even remember that statement. But now I recall it. I told him, "I remember something vaguely but I pulled them no one told me to." He said, "It doesn't matter." I thought, Yeah it doesn't matter now - You fucked up. I was about ready to leave as I am now getting really, really tired - I notice that when I take a zanax I get really, really tired by 10 pm can't keep my eyes open. It felt like it was 230 in the morning. He rolls over and says to me - "Why all this interest in learning spanish to communicate with my parents now?" Oh for christ sake I think I said, "(insert name) Really? You told me." He said soemthing to the effect of "You promised me that when you finished school you would learn Spanish. We got all those tapes and discs before. We've been together for all these years and you still don't know how to communicate with my parents." (As if in his mind this was an example of why I didn't love him.) I said exasperated "This is the THIRD time I am trying to learn it! I went through all the discs BEFORE! I still didn't get it. I told you. I have a learning disability with language. It took me 4 times to pass my language requirement in school! Listen, I've been doing this for three weeks and I am only on page 21 or 24 in the book! In order for me to learn it I have to sit and write all the words, over and over and over again. I have to memorize them all!" It was like he had totally forgotten that I HAVE attempted to learn it! At this point, I am literally nodding off while sitting there. I said, "listen I've got to go to bed. Do whatever." I left and looked the clock it was only 12:30 am. I felt like it was 4 am. He slept there. I woke up and realized what I said in my last post.

I can not control him.

I can not get him to be the husband I want him to be.

I can not "nice" him back.

He is in whatever - lala land (the fog?) he has created for himself that has no bearing on reality. I believe you guys call it "rewriting history" - I call it reality distortion, selective memory and faulty reasoning to justify your poor behavior.

I can not make him take responsiblity or make him tell him .

I can not make him tell me he is sorry. Make him feel remorseful. Or any of the things that I need. The only thing I can do is me. I can change me not for him or for us, but for me. Because this life is untolerable for me anymore.

I can change how I relate to him.

I can change what I do for myself.

This will be a long road. Not easily done. But this is the first step - becoming aware. And it's ok if I back slide, if I have anxiety attacks, it's ok. Because who knows what the day holds for me - I just have to hang on to the next minute, or hour or day.

Stop this, seriously. Learning Spanish isn't an issue. He's using it to put blame on YOU so you don't focus on the fact that

YOUR HUSBAND HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!

Sorry - but you need to realize this, and start a REAL 180!! You said "I don't think it's working" What wasn't working? It's not about him. It's not designed to make him do a damned thing. It's for YOU to start detaching, and if you do it right, you will. Do it for YOU, not him.

His parents have been in the US for how long? They can't communicate with most people. You didn't move to Spain, they moved here. Tell him to teach them English.

Stop letting him distract you. He's cheating, and you invited him back to bed. STOP. Stop complaining, stop hoping he suddenly changes, just stop. He wouldn't give you his password. Your response should be NOT TALKING TO HIM AND DETACHING, not defending not learning a foreign language and asking him back to bed.

Please, get yourself in IC and get away from this guy.

Remember, if you won't help yourself, not a person alive is going to step in and do it for you. Right now, you're having a pity party and saying all the things you wish were different. MAKE THEM DIFFERENT. Do you think Santa is going to show up and fix this for you? This is still happening because you're decided to let it continue. You cannot control his actions, but you damned sure don't have to put up with them. He knew you'd cave on the phone thing. Why? Because you've probably asked a dozen times. Why did you think this time would be different?

You have two choices: Take action to change your situation, or accept your situation. Expecting anything else is foolish.