SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When we ask 'what are you thinking about?' Are you really thinking about nothing? How is that possible?

I wonder this too but I think there is research that says this is true...

Also, it's so funny that menz think we're lucky because we have boobs when in fact, other than using them for their intended purpose, they're kind of a hassle... I could run a marathon barefoot but without a sports bra - never.

When we ask 'what are you thinking about?'

this question is a hell of a mood killer.

the answer will definitely depend on when and where you ask it.

while having sex? hell I dunno what Im thinking about other than *yay Im having sex!*

At other times I could have a million things running on in me mind. one thought tangents into another. non linear thinking. I could be thinking about potatoes one moment and politics the next and then on to some inane commercial on the tele.

Are you really thinking about nothing? How is that possible?

Actually thinking about nothing is a oxymoron. But the act of clearing your mind and making it empty is a deep meditative state called MUSHIN. I use it to go to sleep.

[This message edited by Razor at 3:34 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Do women really ask that question during sex? That's crazy!

I meant at other times. Sometimes H gets a daydreamy stare and goes quiet. I just wonder what's going on up there.

I've loved getting into your minds. It's an absolute revelation. And it's been a lot of fun! So don't want to put a damper on this, but my question is . . . messy.

Does the mess of intercourse--especially at a particular time of the month--turn you off at all? My WH is a SA and I worry that, while he wants to be intimate during what I think would be an awkward time, what he'll remember is the mess. Just doesn't seem, to me, to be able to compete with the gloss and perfection and fantasy of porn or even TV/movies for that matter. I've NEVER seen that portrayed in any media I've seen. I've never even heard it alluded to. Does that make sense?

while having sex? hell I dunno what Im thinking about other than *yay Im having sex!*

Psst, I think they are thinking about "baseball" or, uh, anything else to distract them from finishing.

Maybe they think about inane things during sex to not climax, then we ask what they are thinking, and it's almost like they have to think of something better to say than the truth, which is that funny commercial he saw earlier.

This question could be a mood killer, but how do you NOT fall for a coworker? You've all said you like all kinds of boobs, all kinds of hair, you want emotional intimacy, so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

I guess it's hard to believe there are men out there that would really say "no" if some chick is hitting on them at work and they are giving you ego kibbles. It would be nice to know if some guys really do stop to think about what they would be risking before they give in to those temptations. How can I compete with a sexy office co-worker dressed to the nines when I'm tired and have kid snot on my clothes?

I meant at other times. Sometimes H gets a daydreamy stare and goes quiet. I just wonder what's going on up there.

When I get quiet its usually when Im triggering about something about her LTA. Or sometimes its a memory from my past.

This question could be a mood killer, but how do you NOT fall for a coworker? You've all said you like all kinds of boobs, all kinds of hair, you want emotional intimacy, so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

I guess it's hard to believe there are men out there that would really say "no" if some chick is hitting on them at work and they are giving you ego kibbles. It would be nice to know if some guys really do stop to think about what they would be risking before they give in to those temptations. How can I compete with a sexy office co-worker dressed to the nines when I'm tired and have kid snot on my clothes?

Good questions. But the same thing happens to you guys. What about the fit and handsome IT guy or the guy in sales that just always happens to swing by your desk and always has something funny to say? How are we ever to trust you guys?

I am definitely one of those guys that would and HAS said NO to this situation.

No matter man or woman. its always nice to get hit on. its a boost to the ego and it feels great. But we are either committed to our relationship with our spouses or not. And we all know how it turns out when our spouse is *not*.

RS, from a woman's POV it depends on your flow. If you're usually quite light like me you'll find that it stops during sex so there's no more mess than usual so H doesn't mind.

I guess it's hard to believe there are men out there that would really say "no" if some chick is hitting on them at work and they are giving you ego kibbles. It would be nice to know if some guys really do stop to think about what they would be risking before they give in to those temptations.

And I often think the same thing about women. I, to my discredit, go through periods of thinking that all women are waywards, or WILL be. I know that can't be true though, and I mostly know that based on chatting with the women of SI.

This question could be a mood killer, but how do you NOT fall for a coworker? You've all said you like all kinds of boobs, all kinds of hair, you want emotional intimacy, so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

Simple. Boundaries. One time when we were dating, I was friends with a gorgeous girl at work. We got along really well and everything was cool until she asked me out. I told her I had a girlfriend and I wasn't willing to disrespect her like that (even though we were having some pretty serious issues at the time) and my friend respected that. If she would have pursued further, I would have stopped talking to her. Not all men cheat. Most who do will tell you that married women are easier than single ones so I suppose the same question could be asked of the women.

Does the mess of intercourse--especially at a particular time of the month--turn you off at all?

The ex wouldn't "put out" during that time of the month, but the few times we did, it wasn't a turn off for me at all. I did want to clean up afterwards, though, because the blood felt strange when it dried.

Razor... I know this is not the ask womanez... But your post about not being receptive to the " work place Hot chick/one of the guys chick"

And on the other side " IT Guy" .......

The flirting especially by the married guy? The dirty jokes shared in mixed company.....That guy...when you show disgust.. Throws out the .. Hey, lighten up I' m just kidding?????...... yeah right asshole!

You know damn well if YOU offered ? He would be all over it guy!....

Now that same guy that show pictures of his babies, tells about the great love he has for his wife, how much he appriciates her? The guy with the great boundaries...

That guy? I respect the hell out of!!!! That guy I want to see get the promotions, that guy I would trust. That guy would get my help, would cover his shift, would help on a special project....

Do I want to sleep with that guy? HELL NO

Just sayin

Yeah, my bad. I have worked from home for hospitals since I got my pregnant with my eldest son, so my "co-workers" are all virtual, and mostly female.

But that doesn't mean I didn't have opportunities with guys and was firm on my boundaries..

Can you tell my ex cheated at work? Perhaps that's why I'm so bitter. I definitely need to work on my trust issues before jumping into another relationship.. I can't imagine trusting another guy and not wanting to stalk him 24/7 to make sure he's being honest with me.. I better stay celibate for a while before I turn into a psycho, lol.

Perhaps this was another case of I should have known my audience before asking. Well duh you menz have the exact same issues in the opposite.. My bad. I guess we can all be happy that there are menz and womenz out there who value monogamy.. I'm just sad the guy I married and had kids with wasn't one of them.. And I hope I have better radar next time..

This question could be a mood killer, but how do you NOT fall for a coworker? You've all said you like all kinds of boobs, all kinds of hair, you want emotional intimacy, so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

I guess it's hard to believe there are men out there that would really say "no" if some chick is hitting on them at work and they are giving you ego kibbles. It would be nice to know if some guys really do stop to think about what they would be risking before they give in to those temptations. How can I compete with a sexy office co-worker dressed to the nines when I'm tired and have kid snot on my clothes?

Though it's been quite awhile I had to deal with that a few times. I never said yes. Also, you're not actually in competition with a "sexy office co-worker". Not if your partner has integrity.

When I was working in my own office with my long-time assistant, she picked up signals from a client who would drop by with questions on very small issues too often. I didn't see it. Then client started engaging me in small talk, asked about my personal life, and even bought me a few trinkets. OK, I started to get it. And, every time thereafter she'd appear, my assistant would find lots,of reasons to enter the conference room so that client began to realize that I wasn't available, and I never had to turn her away. That worked quite well. She gave up and the major case concluded in time. Dodged the bullet by never appearing to pick up on her signals, and kept everything 100% professional.

Fortunately, I'm not exactly Mr Sex Appeal, so only two other opportunities ever presented themselves. I handled those myself. First was a colleague whose H had an affair. She and I were always friendly rivals, but she came to me with this story and said she wanted an affair to get even. I told her not to do it, even before I'd heard of SI. That was a Saturday and I'd been alone in my office. I resisted that temptation, too.

Number three was a newly- divorced client who like the first, would,stop by unannounced. By that time, I realized that there was no accounting for taste, so the best response was to discuss my wife and kids and how thankful I was to have them, etc. She got the hint.

The lesson? Even a guy like me can be the object of unwanted attention. Resistance doesn't have to be harsh, even if the pursuer is semi nuts. Everybody knows how to play clueless, and it can be a good strategy at least early on.

What was odd, however, is that I genuinely believe I wasn't sending off "vibes" signaling availability. You never know who is going to be a predator, I guess.

When we ask 'what are you thinking about?' Are you really thinking about nothing? How is that possible?

Unfortunately it's quite possible the answer is yes. Some of us in fact can literally be thinking about nothing. It's more likley though that the stuff we were thinking about was so random and disconnected that explaining it would take to long so we say nothing. I tried explaining once and she agreed with me that it was in fact nothing.

so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

when I was married there was no competition. My Wife had already won. There was no more competing. My XWW just didn't tell me she didnt' feel the same way. When you get a faithful man he remains faithful. This is no different than a women "resisting" the office guy in the nice suit that keeps in shape. You say no to him just like we say no to office chick.

ETA: when I was married I didn't hang out with single women.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:06 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

This is a quote from one of my fave movies"if he ain't sleepin' with you, he ain't sleepin' alone"

True? Can guys just shut it down when they want, like for say, a year?

ButterflyGirl: Can you tell my ex cheated at work? Perhaps that's why I'm so bitter.

My WW had a LTA with a co worker. Its hard not to be bitter or jaded.

Can you tell my ex cheated at work?

My ex slept with a few guys from work (and one or two that her sociopath sister set her up with while visiting in a different state) and ultimately left me for a 16 years older loser who delivered packages between sites at her work. you think I'm not a little bitter? I'll probably never donate to the Red Cross again, which is a shame because good secular charities are hard to find.

"if he ain't sleepin' with you, he ain't sleepin' alone"

Maybe if he has no character. There were months long dry spells when I was with my ex (which I now think were probably only dry spells for me) and I never considered it. I wouldn't have considered it if Beyonce had shown up at my door wearing nothing but holographic gift wrap and high heels. I was committed. At some point, my commitment might have wavered but I would have been divorced long before I strayed.

[This message edited by h0peless at 4:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Unfortunately it's quite possible the answer is yes. Some of us in fact can literally be thinking about nothing. It's more likley though that the stuff we were thinking about was so random and disconnected that explaining it would take to long so we say nothing. I tried explaining once and she agreed with me that it was in fact nothing.

This makes sense, it sounds just like my H. Even before the A's before we went to sleep, he can think of nothing and just relax and be comfy but my mind just never switches off. I never understood before but it's good to know it's a common guy/girl difference.

Thank you all for taking the time to answer our questions.