SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ditto to silverhopes thank you!

Yes thank u menz!

Re: sex

Is frequency or variety more important?

How long between sexcapades before the avg menz physically need to do it again? 2-3 days? I can imagine it varies but im askg avg

Is frequency or variety more important?

Both! Frequency is great and variety is fun! I don't know how to answer that one.

How long between sexcapades before the avg menz physically need to do it again? 2-3 days?

That varies so much between man to man and depends a lot on life circumstances. I don't think there is really a global answer to that question.

Frequency and variety are EQUALLY important!

I'd like to have sex nearly every day but I wouldn't want my wife to feel like she was nothing more than a sex toy for me. We average several days in between.

Need? No biological need. Want? That depends on the guy. More is better than less.

YOU NEVER KNOW YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH!

Frequency or variety? Depends on whether the guy is a WH or not, doesn't it? Variety of positions, locations, is fun with spouse, however. Frequency? Its all good.

When behind do I pretend its someone else?

Hell no. I spent a ton of time fantasizing about getting busy with my W that way, and when it started happening, it was just awesome. Why the heck would I pretend its someone else when I had been chasing her around?

What am I thinking when she asks me what I'm thinking?

Usually I'm not. Total blank slate. Then I feel like I have to come up with something, but starting my brain up on short notice can be like trying to start a stubborn lawn mower. The thing is shut down and just doesn't want to fire back up.

If I am thinking, and I don't respond, it's usually stuff I have no interest in sharing. Stuff along the lines of "Dang, that was a huge dump I went earlier. How is that even possible? Should have taken a picture."

Frequency vs variety?

After two days I start getting antsy. W and I have three go-to positions and she helps me out in a few other ways. Variety is nice, but it doesn't have to be a tour of the karma sutra book or anything. Variety for us is just taking something we know and applying it somewhere a bit new (me behind her standing up in the shower for example... sorry for TMI)

It's also possible to have too much. Too much is 1-2 times per day for me. I can do that in short intervals, but keep that up for more than a few days and I'm worn out!

When we ask 'what are you thinking about?' Are you really thinking about nothing? How is that possible?

Absolutely. Not sure what Razor called it back there - mashed potatoes or something - but I call it the void. I actually use that as my "happy place" because it was the best choice. I might ask my doc this question and see if she knows of any studies. This is a serious topic - deserves federal funding and a grant to a Uni.

True? Can guys just shut it down when they want, like for say, a year?

I can't. My balls would probably burst. There are monks who do that though, but I suspect it takes some training. Tredhopper though ain't mastered it.

Frequency vs. variety

I like a frequency of variety and a variety of frequency.

This question could be a mood killer, but how do you NOT fall for a coworker? You've all said you like all kinds of boobs, all kinds of hair, you want emotional intimacy, so how does a wife compete with that cool single chick at your work that you love hanging out with? How do we ever trust you guys??

I guess it's hard to believe there are men out there that would really say "no" if some chick is hitting on them at work and they are giving you ego kibbles. It would be nice to know if some guys really do stop to think about what they would be risking before they give in to those temptations. How can I compete with a sexy office co-worker dressed to the nines when I'm tired and have kid snot on my clothes?

I think the term 'friend zone' applies here in a slightly different context.

For me there is a certain radius that people become invasive when they cross it. There is a sort of unconscious space that my wife occupies, whether she is there or not. I am still skeeved by some woman asking if she could borrow a buck for a soda and subsequently following me around occupying that spot. It's hard to explain but it was like... she was in the spot that I would have expected to see my wife in if I turned, reached out to hold her hand, etc.

It doesn't matter how amazing her tits are, that spot isn't just taken, it's unnerving to have someone else wander into it.

I have some questions. I'm a little hesitant to ask because asking for opinions from other men kind of makes me feel guilty as if I'm calling my XH a liar. But I'll ask anyway.

1.) My XH says he never masturbates. This is related to question number 2, fyi. Do any other men *never* masturbate? Not saying he never has, just that he doesn't currently.

2.) Related to question #1: we have infrequent sex. Sometimes once per week (in fact, a couple of weeks ago we actually did it twice in one week) but right now we're going on 2 1/2 weeks without. We both work highly physical, stressful jobs with long hours. All we want to do is sleep and/or relax once we're off work during the week. Sex, if it happens, usually happens on Saturday or Sunday. He says he's OK with this and never complains. Do you think that he's being truthful or just trying not to be a jerk?

3.) I have a medical condition that might cause problems in the future (without getting into too much detail). Is it wrong of me to not want him to promise "in sickness and in health" when we remarry? I don't want him to feel he has to live up to that if in 20 years he realizes he'd rather NOT, but in not expecting him to, am I insulting him?

Sorry my questions are so long. Thanks in advance!

old joke for Heartbroken.

There are two types of liars: guys who say they never masturbated and guys who say they've quit.

Do any other men *never* masturbate?

I think there was one time I lasted three weeks without doing it. Seriously, it happens regularly. When the sex is more frequent, so is the solo work.

Knew I shouldn't have had that second glass of wine with dinner!

Probably out of order, but I think these are the questions I missed. Wow this thread is covering some ground! I'm skipping any quotes because this will be too long otherwise.

Haven't played a video game in years. I am to busy at work and spending time with my family.

Yes I was head over heals in love with WW. Not sure if this is still the case after all the hell I have endured over the last few years.

If you take care of your hair I don't really care about the color. Well cared for silver-gray hair is much preferred over damaged dry stuff that feels like steel wool. All things being equal I do have a preference for brunettes with just enough sun highlights to get a tinge of red, but I understand this needs to be age adapted. Touch is a primary love languages for me and my tactile response is high.

WWE is just another spectator sport. Great athletes/actors, but I have too many other things to do with my free time.

WW had both girls C-section so no difference before/after.

Guns are loud, they require skill and teach you how to control/respect great power. I have been using real guns since I was young (mostly just target practice).

Family is #1 for me, but money is intricately wrapped into that since I am the sole financial support for my family. I am currently trying to figure out exactly where taking care of myself falls into this, because I have sacrificed too much over the years.

I don't think it is fear, but the kids know when I speak I am telling/expecting them to do something. For my WW if seems like she has a problem holding them accountable for not doing what they are told.

For me respect is strongly tied to appreciating and recognizing what I do for you/the family. Disrespect certainly includes the inverse of the respect, item but there are also things that are disrespecting that when inverted don't create respect (e.g. my WW is an incessant complainer which can be disrespectful, but not complaining does not create a sense of respect). I guess what I'm saying is it's way easier for someone to be disrespectful versus being respectful. It seems like a complete list should be a different thread.

Jane, I'm assuming I am one of the group you were referring to so I will try to answer this in a bit more detail. My wife and I specifically chose for her to be a SAHM and I understand what a hard /under appreciated job this is. I certainly did not resent her staying home in the beginning and saw it as a gift to our daughters. Where the touch of resentment comes in is when she doesn't appreciate the sacrifice/work I have to do to allow her to stay home and still allow us as a family to have a better than average lifestyle. This gets even harder when she can't do her job/part and I have to pick up the slack. Add in some selfishness, self-centeredness and entitlement (wayward thinking) and child centeredness on her part and yes I have some resentment now. Would I do it over again? If I could trust that she would appreciate my contribution and balance my needs with the rest of the family, Yes I certainly would. I was getting resentful before I found out about her EA, but I'm sure her EA was a factor before I knew about it.

Sex in any position is about the person I am with. And like I said in an earlier reply I love a woman's back.

I close my eyes sometimes during sex, turn my head sometimes if it was more comfortable, but my focus is always on the person I am with. I agree sex in the past tense really sucks!

Different sexual positions feel a bit different, but for me the finale is the most important part.

In reflection WW was not the best because she comes across as a selfish lover since once things get started even a little bit all she thinks about it her and her enjoyment. I used to enjoy it because it was an ego kibble to see how happy I could make her (multiple O, biting the blankets to keep from waking the kids, etc.), but after D-day I started thinking why am I doing all the work? The best she could muster during foreplay is a few gropes while I could play her like a Stradivarius. Spending some time focusing on me and what I might enjoy instead of it being all about her would have helped.

My spine tingles sometimes during sex, but it is certainly situational/not all the time.

Sex is love (and a great sleep aid) and is certainly controllable (well make that we can survive by taking care of ourselves). WW and I went almost two years without then had a small period before she killed my desire almost a year ago. I haven't wanted to touched her since.

When I say I'm not thinking anything it is usually one of the following: often it's nothing important and it is not worth the effort to try to explain. Sometimes it's nothing I want to explain. Though if there is a facial expression it is likely something, just not something I want to discuss right now and yes sometimes it is truly nothing.

We think you are lucky to have boobs because we only experience the fun of you having them not the day to day hassles. Some of us could fill a small bra with our pecs when we work out regularly, but I'm sure muscle responds a lot differently than breast tissue. So even though the mass is the same the experience is way different.

Too much of a mess/flow would be a bit of a mood killer, but sex during a low flow time has never been a problem for me.

Having good boundaries helps me keep in the right place regarding other woman. Also if I'm getting ego kibbles at home I'm not starved so it's easy to ignore/discount one at work, or other places. I'm in a dangerous place now in that respect, but personal honor helps me now. Also remember you are probably getting a lot of responses from betrayed men so we may think about things differently than wayward men. We understand you not looking the best on a bad day, but please try not to make disheveled the normal welcome home style.

I personally can take care of myself regarding the sexual urges. Though I know some guys who cannot so I guess it depends on the person.

If you are having sex regularly why do it the same way every time? So make that both. My frequency varies depending on stress and many other factor. When I am relaxed (e.g. on vacation) multiple times a day is great/possible, when I'm stressed once or twice a week seems like too much. I'm sure age is also a factor, but so far it has not noticeably effected me.

Heartbroken, it's possible I could go that long under the right conditions, but not continually and each person will be different. Does he think you don't want him to? I am assuming he knows about your medical condition. From my personal experience I have a wife who was occasionally sick when we got married though living with someone who is sick much of the time is significantly harder than I imagined. It certainly doesn't help that she turns it into being all about her and how she feels and then needs to focus on doing fun things when she feels better. She has something that is undiagnosed and it certainly has a mental component. We assumed she would get better, but the opposite happened. I guess the summary is if he thinks he can be okay with it/can support you and you believe you can be understanding and supportive that it may be hard on him then that is part of being married; two people supporting each other during the bad times.

HFH

1.) My XH says he never masturbates. This is related to question number 2, fyi. Do any other men *never* masturbate? Not saying he never has, just that he doesn't currently.

2.) Related to question #1: we have infrequent sex. Sometimes once per week (in fact, a couple of weeks ago we actually did it twice in one week) but right now we're going on 2 1/2 weeks without. We both work highly physical, stressful jobs with long hours. All we want to do is sleep and/or relax once we're off work during the week. Sex, if it happens, usually happens on Saturday or Sunday. He says he's OK with this and never complains. Do you think that he's being truthful or just trying not to be a jerk?

I'll try to answer these two at the same time because I had a similar issue for a few months. Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked? Mine were really low and I had very little drive until I was put on replacement therapy. A family member recently experienced the same thing and with my encouragement, got checked and... low T. He's back to normal now too. If your husband hasn't been checked, it might be worthwhile. There are positive side effects besides the sexual ones too. I don't get headaches nearly as frequently, I have more energy... Huge difference.

3.) I have a medical condition that might cause problems in the future (without getting into too much detail). Is it wrong of me to not want him to promise "in sickness and in health" when we remarry? I don't want him to feel he has to live up to that if in 20 years he realizes he'd rather NOT, but in not expecting him to, am I insulting him?

If he's anything like me, he wants to make that commitment to you. m To me, that's what marriage is supposed to be, a lifetime partnership through sickness and health. To abandon your spouse because they get sick is pretty slimy and it sounds like he isn't that sort of guy.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:15 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

0903 -

1. i believe some men don't masturbate. does your XH usually tell the truth? If so, I would believe him.

2. once a week is fine for me. i know men whose wives are sick and they haven't had sex in years. supposedly the average is twice a week. if that's true, then that means there's a lot that have more and a lot that have less than the average. i believe that most men, not all, would be very happy to have sex once a week with the woman they love. my job is reasonably exhausting. Usually all I want to do is relax, have dinner and spend time with my wife. Maybe watch a british mystery on TV. Granted, I'm 55. In short, I do believe he is telling the truth to you.

3. it sounds to me like you're making decisions for him. ie "I will get sick, I don't want him to feel trapped, etc." Let him make his own decisions. If he's going to marry you a second time, i think it probably means he really loves you. He knows what you've got. It's a nice gesture on your part. I don't really know if he would feel insulted if you mentioned it. He might. i guess if it really concerns you, you should bring it up. To be honest, I don't think you need to worry about it though. I'm happy that it appears you are finally going to start your family. Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:27 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Thank you, gentlemen.

Schadenfreude, that's funny....never heard that one before.

Does he think you don't want him to?

I don't think so...I've told him it doesn't bother me at all, and it doesn't. It only came up in the first place (a long time ago) because I was curious if he did since our sex life is so infrequent.

I am assuming he knows about your medical condition.

He does. He says it isn't a problem.

H0peless, the last time he had his T checked was 5 years ago. It was good then, but then again he was 5 years younger and so forth. There have been physical changes to both of us since then, mostly me, but possibly him too.

You are right, he is NOT that sort of guy (re: medical condition).

Edited to add: thanks, Mike7. I always appreciate your input. I do think he always tells the truth; it just seemed so different from what most (if not all) men I've ever heard say, and it's the Ask the Menz thread, so....

He's such a stand-up guy that I know he'd mention if he had a problem with the illness. It's, as you say, that I don't want him to feel trapped. Just something else I'm probably overthinking.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:43 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Sometimes once per week (in fact, a couple of weeks ago we actually did it twice in one week) but right now we're going on 2 1/2 weeks without.

Depending on his age, it could just be he's starting to slow down a bit. As I've told my WW when she says something about how much my energy's dropped (sexually or otherwise) over the last couple of years, "Forty's a lot more like thirty that fifty is like forty."

As far as frequency we try for at least a couple of times a week. If we get more that's great. If it's less, it's usually that for whatever reason I need a few extra days off lol.

Regarding the question about menstrual sex, I've never really liked it

I've got to admit that I have sat here most of the evening reading these posts and have really enjoyed the candid answers given by the men (and women)...

My question for the menz.....

If there was one gift you could receive from your wife/partner/SO that would really mean the world to you what would it be?

Honestly? Outside of Fidelity, be my partner.

My favorite gift was always time. I liked going out and making memories. I also wanted children but in retrospect, it's better that we never did.

If there was one gift you could receive from your wife/partner/SO that would really mean the world to you what would it be?

Mine would be to do something new sexually(that she thought up all by herself and surprised me with), maybe roleplaying, a new "toy" for us to use together, a weekend away without the kids, and of course a new shiny geek toy (like a 15 button mouse for my games ).

YOU NEVER KNOW YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH!

QFT!!!!

[This message edited by spond at 7:45 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]