SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No he was not in treatment for the first 5 years of our sons life...he spent 9 months in treatment and actually it wasn't because of drugs or alcohol that he was sent there. It was actually over child support and when he was sent to jail, he filled out paperwork stating that he had previous addiction history and they gave him what they call shock treatment instead of actual prison time. That is what he was on parole for.

Of course, we have had issues before. No marriage is perfect but this is the first time anything like this has happened. We have NEVER had issues like this. Alcohol or not.

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something. I don't know. All I know for sure right now, is that our world has completely changed and I am trying to do my best to adapt to that.

Child,support for what child? Sorry I don't understand. Does he have another child? If so. What sort of relationship with that child has he screwed up?

Yes he has a 14 year old from a one night stand. She doesn't live in this state. We see her usually about 2 maybe 3x a year.

He was on parole for not paying child support?

I have shared with you my sister's story. I am seeing some things in you that I saw in my mother. My mother made excuses for my sister. And felt sorry for her. And took partial blame. And was willing, and desperate, to allow just about anything, as long as she came home.

My mother was my sister's biggest enabler.

By making excuses and feeling sorry for him, and offering him a comfy place to fall, you are enabling him.

Right now, while he is in prison, is the time for you to get strong. Go see a therapist. Detach so you aren't co-dependent. Get tough with him. Get angry. Stand up for yourself..stand up for your child. Tell him you will NOT allow him back unless and until he has taken steps to show you he will not do this again. And that will take time. Not prison time..time in the real world.

Its said around here...if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something.

Most unfortunately, you are.

You're blaming his CHOICE to have an affair on his drug relapse - which was also a CHOICE he made. Many years ago I was married to a recovering dual-addicted alcoholic/drug user (we'd married when he was 4 years sober). He always told me that every single DAY he had to make the choice to NOT drink or do drugs and to stay sober.

It was a choice your husband made, BaseballMom. He didn't fall 'prey' to a relapse which in turn 'made' him disrespect and dishonor you by finding some druggie skank to have an affair with. HE chose that.

I think once you're able to put the blame exactly where it belongs - on HIS shoulders - you'll have a better chance of making an educated decision about whether you really want someone like this as role model for your son.

This post may appear harsh to you, but one day you'll see exactly what I was saying.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:03 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

My son knows this is not normal behavior and up until these last few months, he had a great dad. So am I being selfish for wanting to give THAT back to him? I KNOW my husband can be that again. It will never be easy but with A LOT of work, we can get there again.

The place for you to do the work is at Al-Anon. If you want to help your son, Al-Anon. Help yourself, Al-Anon. Help your husband, Al-Anon. Can't say it enough. Go to a meeting every day if you can. Try several to find some you like. You do not have to speak if it's overwhelming/scary to share your story. Just sit and listen. Evaluate after ninety days whether or not it's helped. And {{{ hugs }}}

Of course, we have had issues before. No marriage is perfect but this is the first time anything like this has happened. We have NEVER had issues like this. Alcohol or not.

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something. I don't know. All I know for sure right now, is that our world has completely changed and I am trying to do my best to adapt to that.

Yes you are making excuses. You lived with an addict, and enabled his behaviors. You are so twisted up in things that you have no compass to know true north.

We are trying to guide you, to help you. Are you doing any of the things we mentioned and encouraged you to do in this thread, and the prior one?

You have a choice. A choice to stay stuck, and continue to have a completely dysfunctional relationship, and give your kid two broken parents, and most likely end up with a son that either follows these fabulous footsteps, or runs for the hills as fast as he can the second he gets old enough.

We get it's scary, and hard, and painful. But sister this pain is better to work through now, and heal yourself so you aren't going through the same thing again in 6 months, a year, 2 years, with your son seeing it all over again and again and again.

It's your choice. There is a way to do this, that puts you in a much better place 6 months to a year from now. All you have to do is take the first step.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 11:44 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

...he spent 9 months in treatment and actually it wasn't because of drugs or alcohol that he was sent there. It was actually over child support and when he was sent to jail, he filled out paperwork stating that he had previous addiction history and they gave him what they call shock treatment instead of actual prison time. That is what he was on parole for

.

Ok. Well prior to the law becoming so aggressive they issue criminal warrants, they usually do any or all of the following:

*Suspension of driver’s license and revoking of driving privileges

*Denial of tax refunds and other government benefits

*Revocation of passport or changes to immigration status

*Garnishment of wages, including unemployment funds or worker’s compensation benefits

*Placing a lien on one’s real property to obtain funds for payment

*Denial of licenses such as hunting or boating licenses

*Lowering your credit score

Did any of this happen to him too?

Why didn't he pay the child support? That's what "good dads" do. They are there for their kids and if need be, they PAY their child support. It shouldn't matter if it was a ONS, marriage, or what ever. He should have taken responsibility and lived up to his obligation.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:19 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]

I had no idea they sent people to treatment for unpaid child support. Darn, I missed the boat on getting my son's dad the help he needed much sooner!

It may seem like we are being tough on you, and yes we are because we know what you are capable of And yet have not done. We know that right now yous are on the precipice of disaster or making the change that will not let you fall jut soar above it all. Come on girl you can do this but you have to do it.

Yes, Sadtoo, those things all happened to him and then he was placed on probation, which led to the treatment center. He wasn't sent to the treatment center because of the child support. They chose to send him there instead of prison after his evaluation at intake. And I am sure that the overcrowding of the prison system also had something to do with that decision.

Things have changed drastically in the last few days. Right now, I am so confused and scared I don't know which way I am going. He will be released tomorrow between 9:30-1:00, on house arrest.

Are his parents paying for his house arrest?

Well bless you, BaseballMom. I guess you have no choice but deal with him coming home.

Good luck to you.

(((BAseballMom)))

I hope you can follow up on the suggestion to go to Al-Anon to deal with his being release. You have to find your strength. It's in you if you dig deep enough.

Why are you "confused & scared"?

Have you gone to an AlAnon meeting? Are you seeing a therapist?

Please, please, please at least TRY to do the things we are suggesting. Your situation is not going to get any better until YOU get better. You cannot control him, nor can you fix him. But you can control & fix you.

Anything is better than spending the day "hysterical on the couch" & or "scared & confused".

Please don't let him come home while on house arrest

.

He is detoxing. You have a scared, confused little boy and he doesn't need to be around his dad while he is going through withdrawal.

And what happens if he comes back...but continues to have contact with OW. When you are gone, she will be in your house,possibly around your son.

He is addict who wanted nothing to do with you are your son, not until he was arrested and was looking for a soft place to fall.

Don't be Plan B.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:55 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting but I have been reading a lot online. I don't know much about house arrest, but I do know that I will NOT be paying for it. I am struggling to pay for the things that my son and I need. If it was not for my Dad, I wouldn't be making it all. And I know that he IS NOT going to pay for anything for him....

Right now, and for the 1st time since this entire nightmare started, I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE what he does, who he does it with or where he ends up. I am just fed up. I got a letter from him yesterday that was pretty confusing. He started off by saying how he can't believe how one moment, one decision changed the lives so drastically and ruined everything. He was very sorry...then he proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING. Granted, I had been asking for the WHOLE truth, I just didn't expect it to be what I actually heard. I thought that this was all about fun to him, but apparently him and his homewrecking whore were planning to buy a house (how in the hell that would ever happen, I will never know!) and start new lives together. There was a lot more but that really stuck out to me...then at the end he was asking me where to go from there and what we could do. THEN last night, he called and was just a complete ASS.

It is just such a mess and nightmare. I am so tired of dealing with it all. And yes, I screwed up when his parole officer called...he has every intention of coming to MY house. BUT my son will be gone for 2 weeks with my Dad so he will be out of the house. It will just be the two of us, maybe we can get some screaming and yelling out of the way. I am sure that it won't be fun. If after the 2 weeks, something hasn't changed and he is still acting like I am his "warden" then he will be leaving. I don't care if he is on house arrest or not. Not my problem. I don't care.

Actually it might be your problem if you allow him to come back and be on house arrest at your home. They don't just change the location willy-nilly. It has to be a STABLE ENVIRONMENT where he is going to be all the time. They monitor this shit. Its JAIL but at home.

Once he is in, he is in and you and your son are going to be stuck with him there 24/7 until his house arrest is up.

The two weeks your son is gone probably won't begin to be the tip of the iceburg in resolving your conflict.

I'm sorry you don't feel strong enough to have set up the boundaries that you and your son need and deserve. But this is has disaster written all over it.

And if decides to continue his affair while in your home and on house arrest, there won't be much you can do.about it. You can't cut off his phone, because a phone is a requirement of house arrest.

You need to contact his parole officer right now and tel her what he has done...and he is not welcome in your house.

I'm afraid you are so desperately wanting him back that you won't do anything to stop him from being there. And it is going to cause you and your son tremendous pain.

I sadly agree...I feel like this is going to blow up in my face. Luckily, my son will not be there and he can alway stay longer at my Dads, if needed. I was told that he can transfer out, if a stable home is lined up. If not, I can call his parole officer and have him removed. If a halfway house isn't available, he will go back to prison.

He has no where else to go so it will be prison or the halfway house. He can't go to his whores or his parents. So he is basically screwed. And me too, I guess. Yes, I know that is my fault and I am taking full credit for this huge mistake. I can feel it....it may be the biggest mistake I have ever made.