SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're going to let this man into your home? AYFKM? If you have been reading a lot online and still decided that is what you want to do, please go back and read some more.

I so hate to see you let him come back to your house. You might as well give him a VIP card that says "you may treat me like shit but, I'll always be here for you". What incentive will he ever have to change the way he treats you? There are NO consequences for him so, why not? He has NO respect for you but, he might as well go home since you are there with open arms.

People don't just give you respect BBM. You have to demand it! He has literally forgotten about you up until this point but, now he is up against the wall and here you come to the rescue just like he knew you would. Rinse-lather-repeat.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! It's HIS problem, not yours! For once, just once, let him put on on his big boy britches and figure it out for himself! Every time you rescue him, it sets him back from growing up. Something that is long overdue! If you let him in, you are just setting yourself up for the next time he decides to forget he has a family.

I'm sorry honey but, if you don't learn from this the cycle just repeats.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 1:32 PM, July 9th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

Ok I have tried to encourage you gently, and I have tried to show you how to proactively protect yourself and your son.

But seriously BBM- You have to stop being the perpetual victim here. YOU have a choice, and YOU can say NO I DO NOT WANT HIM HERE. YOU can say I AM DONE WITH HIM. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SEND YOUR SON AWAY, SO THIS ASS HAT CAN COME WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE.

YOU have to stop thinking like a victim, and start thinking like a strong awesome woman. YOU need to reach deep inside, and pull out your inner goddess, and let her guide you.

I guarantee that if you let him come home, you will fall right back into your codependent enabling role, and convince yourself it ain't so bad, and probably even allow your boy to come home while he is there drinking a case of beer a day, and it's not a problem because it's just beer.

Let him clean up his act and show you consistently for 30-60-90 days that he is doing something before you allow him to screw you up again.

I'm going to be harsh.

If I were you, I would NOT send my son to stay with my father while I allowed my drug addicted, parole violating wayward H in my home.

What the hell kind of message are you sending to your son, who is already reeling from his father's abandonment, if you shove him to the side in favor of your H?

And what in the world guarantee do you have that there will be a stable home lined up when needed if things don't work out? 2 weeks is not a long enough time frame to make the lasting changes that he'd need to make in order for me to allow him back into my home.

Stop and think, BBM. Protect yourself. Protect your precious son. You've been given some great advice throughout this ordeal- now DO some of it for crying out loud.

I know you're floundering here. I'm a BW. I've been there. But for fucks sake, please start thinking rationally.

I hope I'm not too harsh here.

(((BBM and DS)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:42 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Let him go to prison or the halfway house. Those are his consequences. Don't protect him from them, and don't feel sorry that he has to pay the piper.

Why is this up to you to fix?

Why do you have to be his soft place?

Don't you see, honey, that he has no options because of the choices he has made? And that therefore maybe he doesn't deserve to have any options?

Stop trying to save him and help him. Just stop. Let him fall.

He and the other methhead - who cares what they talked about while high on meth? Have you ever done meth? Big ideas, big plans, all bullshit.

You are sounding much stronger. But, I suspect that is only because you know he is now coming home. You are actually happy and feel at peace knowing that.

Where is your confidence when he leaves or when he runs off to do meth? Where is your strength then? That is what you need to work on - finding your strength and self-esteem.

Seriously??

Your solution is to SEND YOUR SON AWAY??? OMG! And welcome back the drug addicted, cheating criminal??!!

Just what do you think he's going to be doing while you're at work? Cleaning the house? Making you dinner? Making household repairs?

I'll bet a big NO on that. He's going to have the OW over at YOUR house in YOUR bed. And he's probably going to have drugs in YOUR house too.

You could lose your son over this decision. I hope you realize how completely irresponsible you are being right now.

I am NOT sending my son away, he is going on vacation with his grandparents. This trip has been planned for awhile. Long before this nightmare began. They left this morning for Florida and will be gone for 2 weeks. If needed, he can stay a few extra days when they get back. But I don't think that will be necessary.

I am not welcoming him back. I have been wrestling with what to do since I found out. I am giving it the 2 weeks to see what happens, he will be on complete house arrest with an ankle bracelet monitoring him. Drugs will not be an option while wearing that. Trust me, I have already thought EVERYTHING that you are saying.

Honestly I think it's good that your son is going away, but I would also encourage you to NOT allow him to come to your home.

YOU need to spend some time getting yourself strong, and getting your head on straight. He is going to come in, and manipulate you like he has been able to all along. I don't believe you have really started to find your strength. I do believe you can but not with him there yammering at you, making you feel less than you should, and then love bombing you over and over.

I hope I'm wrong, and you do have your senses together, and have found some strength. Use this time regardless of him being there to detach, and go to some Al-Anon meetings, and seeing a therapist.

Please please please whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX with this man. He has recently used meth, God only knows what he has exposed himself to during his usage time.

Is his name on the lease?

Im not so sure you can just make him leave, if his name is on the lease.

So in two weeks time, he will need to find true remorse...and go NC with OW, and agree to STD testing, and IC, and he will need to be completely honest with you, willing to answer all of your questions, patient, loving, taking full responsibility for his actions, and do what you need to heal, and willing to look for a job...pretty tall order for a man in withdrawal..but all necessary for him to be considered safe for you and your son.

Do you think he is capable of this?

Please don't ask you son to "stay away a few more days if necessary." The kid will want to come home. He has been through Hell these last few months. He will want to come home to the comfort of his home and his mother. He doesn't deserve to be told he can't come home yet because his father is being a jerk. And you know his father is going to be an ass. he was an ass to you the other night on the phone. So why allow him to come home? Hasn't he emotionally abused you and your son enough? Your son needs time to heal too. And being told he can't come home because the man who abandoned him can't behave himself...is unfair.

Look, I get it. i do. I really, really do. I made all kinds of excuse for my sister..who is 18 years younger than me..and more like my child than my sister. I enabled. I was willing to do just about anything to "help" her. This kid OD'd twice..was on life support the first time..and had 2 strokes the second time. I was at the hospital when she woke up both times. If you have never been in that position, consider yourself lucky. It is the most miraculous, horrific thing I have ever witnessed. It was worse than dday. I had to hold her down while she was choking on her breathing tube(me and 3 nurses). I also had to help her go to the bathroom because she couldn't walk. That was 13 months ago. She walks with a limp. She is in prison, serving a 4 year sentence. She will be 24 years old next month. I miss her. Every day. But I watched her die...twice. So I thank God she is in prison. because if she wasn't, she would be dead.

I share that with you so you will hopefully understand that the advice you are getting isn't "just words." Some of us have BTDT. We understand that until an addict wants to get clean, they will destroy everyone around them. And there isn't one.damn.thing. you can do to make them want to get clean. It has to come from them. Is he there yet?

If you can answer this question, then by all means, let him come home....

Is he a safe person...mentally, physically, and emotionally safe..for me and my child?

I wish you luck. I have a strong feeling you never even gave him not coming home any serious consideration. And that makes me sad. Because he is going to cause you..and your boy..more pain.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:52 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

I'm curious -- how is a monitoring bracelet going to prevent him from using drugs?

You cannot see this right now but your thinking is not clear. Unclear thinking is a normal side-effect of dealing with a messed-up person for a long time -- but when you are embroiled/enmeshed in the situation, you just can't see it or how messed up everything really is.

Please PHYSICALLY GO to an Ala-non meeting or any other type of support group that you can find for family members of addicts. You can even look into your local domestic violence agency for help.

You need to save yourself and more importantly, your son.

BBM, you came here looking for help and you have gotten the best advise that is available from folks who not only survived heartbreak, they thrived! The suggestions here, in my opinion, are better than my therapist has been able to offer me. Once I started to understand the dynamics of what a healthy relationship looks like, I have been able to improve mine by just following some very practical steps and, number 1 is respect yourself. People tend to live up to your expectations and if you set the bar low then that's usually the effort they will put into relating to you.

I wish you courage, strength and a whole lot of luck because, I believe that you are just setting yourself for more of the same by not changing your expectations.

ETA - not to mention what will shape your son as he learns the awful behaviors that you seem to be willing to accept.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 11:39 AM, July 10th, 2014 (Thursday)]

I am not welcoming him back. I have been wrestling with what to do since I found out. I am giving it the 2 weeks to see what happens, he will be on complete house arrest with an ankle bracelet monitoring him. Drugs will not be an option while wearing that. Trust me, I have already thought EVERYTHING that you are saying.

YES you are. You have to go to the courts and SIGN and agree to the terms in order to have him in your house! This isn't a "we'll see what happens" type situation. You are committing to the COURTS that you are partially responsible for him while he is on house arrest.

Oh yeah...that little ankle bracelet is going to keep him from doing meth. Right.

You have thought about everything we are saying? Really? But we're all idiots so you've decided you have a better plan?

What you don't understand is that we are TRYING TO HELP YOU. But first you must help yourself. You're like the story about the little girl who kept picking up the poisonous snake in the forrest and put him in her coat because he told her he was cold. She knew he was a poisonous snake when she picked him up, yet she was surprised when he bit her.

You are this little girl. And your husband is a poisonous snake.

He is out BUT not coming home. Which is actually for the best. He just sent me a text (you know, from his "bosses" phone) saying that he is scared to death to come home because of what my family friend will do to him. OH and what I did to him by talking to his po. He went in and fed her a line of bullshit. But that is okay with me. I am done. I can't deal with his nonsense and bullshit any longer.

And no, his name is not on the lease. It is MY house. I am done. Let him have his whore and his drugs. Good luck to him. He has 2 weeks before he even gets the bracelet. He will be back in prison in no time, but it isn't my problem. I have spent too long being scared and worried and protecting him. It is time to focus on me and my son.

Wow, talk about a sudden visit to Reality World. Good for you. You don't seem to have collapsed at this news, which is an excellent sign in my opinion.

Neither you nor your son needs this loser in your daily life. And I think you are seeing that.

We've made some "strong" posts here not to hurt you, but to let you know what you have now discovered.

Keep up the good work on yourself.

Wow that is a great change of circumstances. I hope you really mean that you are done, done. Now get to al-anon stat and continue posting here for support. You can do it!!!

Go online and look up Alanon phone meetings. You can call into one of several a day! You don't have to announce yourself, you can just listen to the other people who have a problem of alcohol in their family, and how alanon's tools are helping them and helping the alcoholic...

One thing I was told was that if the alcoholic/addict gets help, and I didn't get help, then they would outgrow me. That got me off my ass and into phone meetings and real meetings.

Work on your self while he is there.

Many addicts and alcholics relapse. What they do after the relapse is to be watched very carefully.

I really hope you mean it. I don't think anyone here is happy to see the breakup of a family but, this is not what family is supposed to look like. Look up the definition.

I never say never anymore for obvious reasons but, for now, make you and your son the priority. You just might start enjoying life without all the drama and mind bending anti social behaviors!

He just sent me a text (you know, from his "bosses" phone) saying that he is scared to death to come home because of what my family friend will do to him. OH and what I did to him by talking to his po.

OMG -- that is such bullshit! He will always and forever make it your fault for why he stays away.

I hope you realize this is only shit he is feeding you.

If it wasn't so pathetically sad, I'd be laughing. But I'm not laughing.

[This message edited by IrishGirlVA at 2:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

I have went through a full range of emotions today. From relief to anger to numbness to heartbreak and to emptiness. He was texting telling me how my family friend is trying to set him up and how he is "terrified" he will get him sent to prison for a minumum of 8yrs....blah blah blah.

He hadn't called us in 2 days, he has been thinking of an excuse to not come home. It was obvious he didn't want to. He couldn't even give me a straight answer when I asked if he was done with her. Just a smartass comment. I guess I know now how he really feels about me.

I sent him a text telling him that I am sorry he feels this way and I hope she makes him happy in the ways that I couldn't. And not to text me back, I am deleting his number. I will give him what he wants, I will leave him alone.

The last 13 or more years of my life have revolved around him. I have given him my all. For what? To lose my family to drugs, alcohol and a useless whore?