SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Then don't. If you tell him he is certain to do something to mess your plans up. Just go. I, for one, think that him coming home to an empty house will scare the mess out of him and hopefully send a strong message. I would even advise not having any communication with him while you are gone. Leave him a note explaining that you needed some space and you will be in touch in a few days. Let his imagination run wild with possibilities.

Make sure you get more than enough cash to last until you can get home. I would even tell you to take half of what's in the bank right now and go open an account in just your name and deposit the money there. I don't put it past him to pull some shenanigans to cut you off financially so you will have to come crawling back. Gotcha, you are in the driver's seat now. Your H isn't even sorry that he got caught which is very telling. He isn't willing to give up using so, he is nowhere near wanting to enter recovery. Until that happens, he is not safe for you for many different reasons.

It is a matter of time before your anger stage moves in. That helps with being able to confront. Until then, get as far away from him as you can so you can clear your head and process what is happening in your life. He is being a total asshat and really doesn't deserve the time of day from you right now, what he is participating in right now is cheating on steroids. These gutter rats that he is seeing are interested only in money and he has his head so far up his ass he stands to lose a lot of money to them in some form or fashion.

Think about this. What happens if they follow him home? They can know where you live. Ask me how I know These people are roaches and you don't want to be exposed to that element.

Oh I know some of them know where we live.

I'm already planning to empty the bank account, leave him half... maybe. I've already changed my direct deposit information for my work. When I get to my home state, I'll file separation and he immediately has to pay me spousal support and child support (this is according to the attorney I spoke to).

Good for you! Protect yourself sweetie! He isn't going to make this easy for you but, you have to stand toe to toe now. It's your way or the highway and it's for the best all the way around!

Hugs to you! Try to keep posting when you can. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you!

Thank you so much. I need it. xo

Stay in touch with us. We mother hens are fretting about you.

Crap. Don't these guys have a clue? Nope. They are fools, all of them.

Hugs to you.

Gotcha, honey, big hugs to you. Your journey--even with its uniqueness--is similar enough to mine for me to feel so much empathy for you. You're doing an amazing job holding it together (hopefully, that didn't make you teary) and making strong choices.

Personally, I think amazing (but slow) progress can be made when an addict CHOOSES to change. Unless you no longer love him, anything can happen. But for now, he is actively using and he is unsafe for you and your sweet babe. Your making a determined stand and sending a clear message that you will not live with an addict who is not sober and who is not interested in recovery is THE only step left for you, IMO.

Let's say he gets his act together (because the fog dissipates when you leave for a few days), is completely honest, keeps his CSAT appt, gets tested for STDs, shares his passwords with you, switches to the guest room, starts reading (or posting here), commits to no porn, joins an SA group, etc. The reality is that there will be a slip or two. He may watch some porn, miss a group meeting, transfer some addictive behavior (to over-eating or video-gaming), or some such thing. To me, those aren't deal breakers--especially if he stops it himself, confesses to me or his IC or his sponsor. There will be goofs along the path to true recovery.

But as long as he's in the dark woods, hasn't started a fire, is chasing after all the spooky sounds, and isn't even searching for the path through the meadow toward home, then you need to print your own map or hire your own guardsman--whatever applies--and get yourself to safety! From that position, you can negotiate terms and write up treaties.

We're all pulling for you and your little one. Hugs.

Good luck today. Just another very concerned SI friend. It will get better after a while, if you continue to make healthy choices like you have. Your WH is a sorry, sorry man right now who has lowered himself into the cesspool. You will be glad you said ' No More'.

Hi gotcha, I read your whole thread the other day and have been thinking about you. I think there's no way you won't look back on this time years down and wonder and marvel at how strong you've been. You don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on, no it is not just a part of marriage, and this is dawning on you now. Your FOO issues are coming to the front now and that's a good thing, it gives you the clarity you need.

I wish I wish I wish I had found SI back when I was engaged and found my now ex husband cheating. Think of all the years I turned a blind eye. Willfully turned a blind eye because deep down I knew the truth about the man I had chosen. You now know the truth too, the truth he has blatantly shown you over and over again.

Stay strong. You have done NOTHING wrong. You have been a loving kind wife who has given him more chances than he deserves. Take care of yourself and your baby, that's all that matters for now.

Concerned for you, too, Gotcha. Please keep us posted and praying for strength and happiness for you!

Somer

Hello everyone, back into the real world.

I actually did not make it to my homestate, but did enjoy 2 days in the mountains away from it all. I am back at home, and my H has agreed to move out. Initially I wanted to go to my homestate where family was, but after telling my H I was leaving and knew about this past weekend, he agreed to move out. I'm glad because I really did not want to drive 13 hours with an infant away from our home. Plus, didn't want to have to face family.

He went into full meltdown and said he had been running from himself and in denial but is 100% sure he is an addict (basically said everything that you and I said in this thread). He has been to his therapist session and has been to the doctor for a full panel STD test. He is ready to follow all boundaries and non negotiables plus some. He will be attending a weekly therapy session plus group session. He said his therapist didn't give him any reading to do (?).

He also said he's scared he's too much for his therapist. The CSAT he went to turns out only has about 4 months experience. My H has been in therapy for the majority of his life. He thinks he needs someone a little more experienced. I tend to agree. He said the CSAT couldn't believe that my H said he believed 100% that he is an addict and that was offputting to him.

Either way, that's the current status of things. I appreciate all the concern and support. This is a confusing battle for me and I'm trying to sort through all my thoughts and emotions. I feel like I'm mostly battling myself. One side of me says give up now and the other side says it can be better, stick it out, you made a commitment to this marriage.

No decision has to be made either way right now. Just breathe. But you DON'T have to stay because you made a commitment. You will figure it all out in time.

Strongly consider going a SANON meeting. The RL support is invaluable. Give it at least three meetings, the first few will seem confusing. And do not be put off by the language of codependency, most have not caught up to newer definitions. As the daughter of an alcoholic, there are great lessons to learn.

Hugs.

I understand the mindset of "I vowed..." For better or for worse. I believe it can always get worse so, you should start deciding up front what you will and will not tolerate. What is the "worse" that you believe ties you to that vow?

I don't want you to answer that to me but, definitely take that into consideration. When it all boils down, SA=man/child. They are stuck in time where they stopped processing what is real and what is fantasy. Without doubt, its an awful place to be.

I've had over a year now to process what happened to me after 36 years of marriage. As of right now, I want to believe that if I had known about SA earlier in my marriage, I would have ended it. Realistically, I know that I loved him and, I mostly likely was stubborn enough to believe that love would find a way. Now? I see that living with an addict is like a salmon swimming upstream. Instinct tells you it is what you are supposed to do but, it's so incredibly hard and, draining.

You are so raw I feel a bit guilty for laying something this heavy on you. I have had a while to think about it but, I want you to consider how much of yourself you are willing to sacrifice on the alter of commitment/vows. Addiction means that he can never slack off of the work of recovery which means neither can you. Only you know what your line in the sand is and, whatever you decide is what is right for you.

Thanks for checking in. I'm glad you had at least a little down time.

I know it will be a long and incredibly draining road. It's what scares me. I didn't sign up for this life. What really scares me is having a spouse that can't drink. I am no alcoholic, but drinking wine and beer is a fun, social aspect of my life (an indulgence, one that I don't necessarily partake in very often) and something that H and I enjoyed together.

I spoke to my CSAT this morning... just trying to focus on maintaining boundaries and consequences for actions.

Trying to find my H a place to live (he also is, but I can't help from wanting to take it into my own hands) starting on the 1st. Finances don't allow any sooner. He's never home anyway.

I really hate this situation. I don't want to live alone with my baby. I don't know many people here, and I feel like I will just withdraw and be alone and lonely and sad.

Hi Gotcha,

Wanted to say that I understand very well the aspect of having made a commitment to him. I did struggle with that myself. Just remember to continue to put yourself and your baby's needs first.

I am glad to hear he will be moving out. This will give you time and space so that you can start to get to a "new normal" and get your legs underneath you so that you can eventually arrive at what works best for you, in terms of what to do.

Stay strong and keep us all posted!

Somer

Gotcha,

Bigggggggggggggg hugs and good to you for being so brave. We are in very similar crapboats, though I am much longer out from my initial dday than you are. Our babies are both about the same age. And so shoot me a PM if you feel up to it. We could maybe become text/email/phone support for each other, if you want.

Sorry we have this in common but no matter what, know you are not alone.

-D.

About the drinking...we have made our home alcohol free to support our son in his recovery. It WAS a bit of a transition, both of us enjoy wine, collecting and having a glass at night. But it was a surprisingly easy transition. And, coincidentally, I have been having trouble with my headaches, meaning I don't even really drink even if we go out with friends. Guess what? I always have a good time.

At some point you may very well feel comfortable have a drink while you are with him. Just not in the initial stages.

I've also lost 5 lbs. Not from lack of wine, I never drank much, but from the snacks I ate to go with it!

I'm not ready yet. Too much change in too little time

My friend I met from church, myself and my son went enjoy some live music in a park last night and we had a glass of wine each. I was done after that.

H came home and had a drink for himself. I'm not ready to enforce no drinking fully yet. However, he knows they're both connected so he's not overdoing it... for now at least. He poured one drink and then went to sleep. Usually on a night like last night, he would drink 3 or 4 (scotch on the rocks), stay up past me perusing his ipad (or mine, I can't believe I let him use mine! wtf was I thinking!).

One step at a time.

Thanks for all the support. I really need to come back here everyday to keep things in perspective. Otherwise, I'll find myself slowly slipping into normalcy and routine and the old way of doing things.

Scaredy, for my kid though, I would do it in a heartbeat. So I completely understand that.

And I understand the need for baby steps. You certainly don't need a bully in me.

For the record, while alcohol played a part in my SAFWH'S acting out, he/we decided it isn't a big issue. But over indulgence is. My boundary is, two mixed drinks, three glasses of wine. I simply won't stay on his presence if he has more. I don't like who he becomes. Especially when he is in a certain mood. There are times when I request that he NOT drink anything but wine, liquor affects him differently. As for me, I do the same. I don't drink at all when I'm depressed, it didn't help and it is harmful to me.

You'll figure it all out. Just put yourself first.

Over indulgence most definitely. And he has even admitted this week that when he drinks, if he has more than 2 or 3 drinks, he wants to just keep partying (his mom is the same way.. she's an alcoholic too, although a "functioning" one as I call it. one who can keep a job). So by the time he's completely trashed he has no self control and acts on all impulses.

Definitely needing to have a no "over indulging" boundary and he sees the need for that now (finally!!).

My ex was drinking excessively right before D day. I'm sure he still hasn't addressed that either!