SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No babysitter, all of our family and friends are 700 miles away. We just moved here in March. (I absolutely love it here though)

I don't mind bringing him along, my everyday revolves around him. I have friends in the area where I'm going, so we plan to go visit with them a little bit.

My natural instinct is to avoid conflict at all costs... I think it's bc of the way I was raised and my crazy ass mom. So my thought process was to allow him to keep the baby bc that will be his freak out point.

It's one thing for me to leave, but it's another for me to leave and take his kid (his favorite thing in the world... besides himself obviously).

Luckily for me, there will be no real cell service and no wifi. So if he's blowing up my phone, I won't be able to get his calls.

I'm not worrying about inconveniencing him. I'm worrying about his retaliation and how it will impede my plans. He won't ever just let me be and give me space. Even in the most desperate times such as these. It's his MO. "I'm so lonely"

ETA: Wouldn't it be useful information to know that my H, should we divorce, can't be trusted to have my son for more than 24 hours though? I would be going through a custody battle with him. I think if he couldn't handle having his own child for a little over 24 hours, then he shouldn't have joint custody of him. ? Blah.

[This message edited by gotcha at 9:06 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

Rereading solus' post tonight.... Trying to keep those words in mind right now. My H is at a bar with his coworker getting drunk. He was off work around 7 tonight and could have spent time with his son (who in characteristically was awake late). We were at a local park having a picnic and listening to live music.

He chose to go out with his coworkers instead. He spends 75% of his time with them already. I couldn't hold in my anger and disappointment. I am so upset with him. I hate him. I miss my husband, the one I thought I had.

He also pushed his appointment back to Tuesday instead of Monday. Says he couldn't get off of work. I'm leaving on Monday and will be gone until Wednesday. It'll give him time to get his sh*t out of the house or I just won't come back.

I don't know gotcha. It sounds like he isn't really concerned with consequences. Like he totally doesn't expect any repercussions at all and appears that he is attempting to rub your nose in it a bit. Just expects that you will take the treatment he dishes out but, that probably isn't all that unexpected since they can be such entitled assholes.

To my WH's credit, when the shit hit the fan, he wouldn't leave my side. It felt so odd because, since he had turned into a cold slab of stone during the height of his addiction, we never did anything together yet, he spent every spare minute with me.

I wish you could just go to your little cottage tomorrow. Don't tell him what you are doing because it sounds like he will probably come busting up in there if he knows. You need some peace right now and if he wasn't so fucked up he might could be trusted to keep his son.

He is showing his ass and I hope and pray that you won't stand for it. I may have missed it but, how did he respond to your nonnegotiables?

Basically with a "whatever."

He has been halfway respecting the different sleeping arrangements thing except for the other night when he came in and asked to sleep in the bed. I repeatedly said no so he slept on the floor like a loon. I got annoyed after a while so I got up and went in the other room and he got in our bed. Ugh!!

He doesn't really care when it all boils down to it. It's a reality I have to face and stop trying to take the easy way out, which is convincing myself otherwise.

Im looking for what your husband did with you... I want his whole damn world to revolve around making things right and it just isn't happening and he just doesn't get why I'm so frustrated now.

I get why he doesn't want to come around though. He knows he's wrong and he doesn't want to face me. And I bitched him out tonight when he said he was going out so of course he's going to avoid me now. He thinks I'm being ridiculous bc he is just trying to unwind with some friends after a hard day at work.

I would be at the cottage tomorrow in a heartbeat but the owner will be there until Monday morning :(

Update: it's 2 AM and he's still out. He keeps sending me videos to prove that he's with his friends. He took cash out and tried to move money bc I threatened to cancel his card. He's spent $250 so far this evening (plus the money he's taken out. I cancelled the money transfer, thank god). But therapy costs a lot. I think he plans to sleep at his friend that he's out with right now. Can't sleep. Thank the good lord he works tomorrow. I don't want to see his face.

[This message edited by gotcha at 12:55 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry. I'm with outtanowhere my wh wouldn't leave my side at that point. Even now 16 months later he won't leave my side. Time to put on your bitch boots.

You wrote: He knows he's wrong but doesn't want to face me. I also think he doesn't want to face himself. He's in full blown addict-mode. Scared of changes he knows will be hard for him to make. Naturally he would prefer to be in a bar w/ his buddies who don't hold him accountable for anything. He's a weakling and a coward. He can whine to his moronic friends that you're controlling, you're a bitch, what he did 'wasn't that bad'. At this point he needs a serious wake-up call. Stay strong and tell him/show him that you have value. What he chose to do last night is outrageous. ((((Hugs)))))

You're exactly right. He already called me this morning, and gritting through my teeth I acted like everything was fine. In my opinion, there's no use in discussing what happened. He won't get it and it'll just upset me. He thinks he's done no harm bc he wasn't cheating on me last night. I've made my decision.

I'm enjoying morning coffee. I was out of the house before he woke up. He has work at 1. Just avoiding him at all costs.

Tomorrow I'm leaving until Wednesday. He either has all of his stuff moved out by then or I'm going home and he won't be able to see his son. I'll also be contacting an attorney Monday morning.

I know that was a very hard decision to make but, I believe it is the best one for you right now. He needs a serious wake up call and, hopefully, this will get his attention. All addicts have to hit their rock bottom and, he is just not there yet. Maybe waking up to find his family gone will jolt him enough to start reevaluating the seriousness of his actions.

Stay strong gotcha! I wish I had been able to be as level headed as you have been so far. Just remember that you have the best leverage right now so absolutely no negotiating. He either steps up or you do what you need to do. Starting today you will be able to see if he cares enough about his family to do the hard work of recovery. If he doesn't follow your wishes, you will also start getting a sense of how willing he is going to be to meet your needs.

You are a smart woman gotcha. Hold his feet to the fire. What's the worst that could happen if you demand the respect he should have had for you all along?

It absolutely, positively takes rock bottom for most addicts to finally begin that climb back from insanity. IDK whether this will be his or not, whether he will temporary go porn crazy for a few days while you are gone or not. But I know that you are doing the only thing you can. You at detaching and protecting yourself and your child. Hugs and Light to you...

PS. That doctor's advice to your mother about weaning from alcohol has a basis in fact. Sudden abstinence from alcohol for an alcoholic is more dangerous than sudden abstinence from heroin. It isn't true of a sex addict though. He is quite capable of going cold turkey and should. His choice.

I find it helpful to document as things happen, as I can go back and reread it and it helps me when I'm losing perspective on things.

I just had to spend an hour with him. He's doing his normal, sad puppy dog face look how cute I am please forgive me gig. He sniffs something's up because I wasn't raging, yelling mad at him. So he kept asking if I was going to leave him. I said no (he can lie to me all the time, I don't feel bad about lying anymore). Bought me a bottle of wine and wrote a note that says I'm sorry. (are you serious? a bottle of wine. I wish that solved all of our problems)

I find it hard to keep a straight face when I'm that angry inside that mostly it was just me laughing at the ridiculous things he said.

He said he did some reading... and he basically googled "got caught cheating, wife doesn't want me to watch porn." He said basically it said I was overcompensating in trying to set boundaries. wow.

PS. That doctor's advice to your mother about weaning from alcohol has a basis in fact. Sudden abstinence from alcohol for an alcoholic is more dangerous than sudden abstinence from heroin. It isn't true of a sex addict though. He is quite capable of going cold turkey and should. His choice

Ohhh okay good to know. I figured it may be different with alcohol.

He keeps asking me when we're going to have sex again. I can only laugh in his face.

Please,please stick to your guns. I only wish I had had your strength, your confidence and the knowledge you now have about compulsive behavior and the escalation of those behaviors. I would have aged myself and my kids a lot of trauma. Not to mention my SAFWH. Maybe he would have gotten help much earlier.

But he isn't the reason you are doing this.

SA's tend to have many similar traits and one of the main ones is manipulation. This is where he is going to pull out all of his magic tricks that have served him in the past to divert your attention away from his actions.

Why are you telling him you are t going to leave him? Are you afraid of him? Gotcha, this is the time when you look him in the eye and tell him you haven't made that decision yet and you are not even going to discuss it with him right now. You may want to consider R after he has shown a conscious effort to get into recovery but, don't reassure him of anything. He would like to think he can get you settled down and not have to give up his drug so, you telling him you won't leave helps foster that thought.

Don't play games honey. That's not helpful. You can't listen to an active addict and expect any input from him to be reasonable. In the first few days after discovery, my H tried to convince me that we wouldn't need to go to a counselor since there was online recovery material. I thought about it for 2 seconds before I realized that it was a feeble attempt to control how this was going to play out. It didn't work.

We are hardwired to trust and believe our partners but, you have to step back now and go forward with your own best interest in mind. Don't trust that any of his attempts to apologize mean absolutely anything except that he is in damage control and trying to cover his ass.

Be honest with him. Treat him as if you just found out that he is hooked on heroin. It's truly no different. :(

It's just me wanting to avoid conflict. And from when I've tried to leave in the past (pre marriage), I know what he will do. I'm scared of him when he gets desperate, and that's why I will not tell him face to face. For my security and for my son's.

I will tell him over the phone tomorrow. He will try to debate me and I will shut down per usual. He will get mad and refuse what I'm asking of him. I hate doing this with him. We've gone through similar but not identical situations already (none with therapy and marriage involved... But splitting bc of cheating) and I know what he will do. That's why I'm lying to him when I say I'm not leaving him.

Now you are scaring ME. Are you frightened for your safety? If so, contact a shelter. I have no personal experience of this, but I know from statistics that this is the time that physical abuse spikes.

Of course, verbal abuse is awful to put up with as well....

Have you seen a lawyer?

I laughed at the pitiful manipulative ploy he tried on you "oh I read something on the internet that says YOU are being____, and what I did isn't that bad" , followed up with the cute face. He's desperately trying to keep things as they are.

I'm sorry you are too frightened to be honest with him in person about where you stand and what your plans are, and what you will and will not accept in your marriage. But I get it. Perhaps you might leave him a note that very explicitly states your plan, and why it is your plan. Be very honest in the note so that he has no wiggle room, and there's no room for him to misinterpret.

Know this: you have every right to decide what you can and cannot live with. Let him know that his smutty pornography use leaves you feeling hurt, and demeaned. And that you don't intend to put up with feeling that way any longer. The strippers...well, come on. He isn't an adolescent, he's a grown man with a family. I am rooting for you Gotcha; and for him. I hope he gets it together soon.

Joining this thread WAY late in the game and haven't read all responses. Just had to comment on this:

I married him knowing that him cheating was a possibility (as with every marriage is my opinion)

You bought a car that died in the middle of traffic on the TEST DRIVE.

It hasn't even been one year.

RUN...RUN FAST.

GET TESTED for STDS.

DON'T LOOK BACK. YOU DESERVE A BRAND NEW CAR FREE OF DEFECTS. THIS man is a lemon.

I am sorry.

Guinness, to be honest... I think my views of infidelity in marriage come from my mother and how she cheated on my father. Before marriage and before meeting H, I thought that cheating in marriage was always a possibility and that's just reality and you try to work through those issues.

But when I thought cheating, I didn't think this. (I honestly didn't know what I was thinking)

I've always had suspicions of his infidelity pre-M but he has only confirmed it post-M. I never knew just how bad it actually was.

ScaredyKat, do I think he would beat me up? No, but he'll like hold me to where I can't go anywhere. Do I think he would do something that would prevent me from leaving (especially with my kid) if I wanted to? Oh yes. He's done it many times. Stand in front of the door, hide my keys, all of that. He also has a tendency to threaten me legally (all threats which I know are bullshit bc what judge would take custody away from me... I have no record, no mental health issues, take care of him full time). Says he'll spend all the money in the world to screw me over in court over custody. Anyway, that would've worked in the past but it won't work now.

I haven't "met" with a lawyer but I've spoken to one in my home state. Technically, the argument can be made that we are still residents there because we haven't registered here yet and we still own our home there. So I'll probably file separation there if I need to. I know all his legal threats are BS bc the attorney I spoke to confirmed them.

I haven't decided how I'm going to break the news to him yet, but he knows it's coming. He asked me what was wrong this morning and what I was mad about now (as if there's something else??) and I just brushed off the conversation. He said you're saying nothing now but you'll drop a bomb on me while I'm in the middle of my work day saying you're leaving or something. Oh well, still didn't say anything. Not risking it.

I have my therapist appointment at 1. Will talk to her about it and then decide if I'll call him or write a letter. I'll probably call him.

Thanks for the support everyone. In times like this, I tend to slowly start minimizing things and start thinking "Okay, I can deal with this, I can deal with this, I can do it, I can deal with this" but when I come back here it gives me strength to do the right thing.

And just confirmed.

He changed his ATT password so I cant see his phone records from this Saturday.

He contacted an escort that evening.

I don't even want to tell him I'm gone anymore.

[This message edited by gotcha at 9:10 AM, August 18th (Monday)]

I'm so angry. I want to yell at him, I want to punch him in the face. I want to throw something at him. I'm paralyzed with shock. I have to pack and I can't find the energy to get everything together.