SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LuKE

One other thing. My guess she will go out to work tomorrow looking as sexy as she can for her big lunch that supposedly is not for sex. I would check her car try co for any hidden outfits she has be wearing for him or planning to.

Tomorrow needs to be her final act of defiance

Luke, I think you need to contact OM and convince him that if NC is not maintained, you WILL contact HR. DO NOT tell your wife, right now she is protecting him.

My WH dumped OW on D-Day. Not only did I make it absolutely clear to him that I had no issue with contacting his boss, I called OW the same day and reiterated the same thing. She was scared sh*tless. Never, ever contacted my WH again except for a few *fishing* emails using an alias.

Get tough, Luke, this is your life. Your wife is well on her way to having sex with another guy, and right now you have the power to stop it. Your way or the highway.

[This message edited by annb at 9:49 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

I don't think this "single" guy is that hard up to deal with that kind of drama for a quick piece of ass at the office. He'll be avoiding your WW like the plague.

^^^^^^^^^^^^Yes. Really. It is rare for a single guy to want to get involved with a married woman for anything other than sex.

As you noted, too, she is the pursuer. In the recorded exchange, it sounded to me as if the OM was already trying to back out of the affair.

Do not let the meeting take place on, Friday.

Luke:

It is possible to reconcile after this.

Your wife is having a fantasy relationship.

You can filed for divorce, and still reconcile before it is final.

Has she figured out how your are finding out????

If not, you should have more information today.

I'm so sorry, Luke.

Yes, my STBXH told me he was having an EA. A year and a half later of digging. He slept with 10 OW and had a long term girlfriend of a year. All while I was having his babies and working 12 hour days for us...

I'm sorry.

They will try to minimize as much as possible.

Brace yourslef and may God be with you...

When I read your latest post, the thing that struck me is that your wife sounds like the babysit for my daughter: an irritating teenager. Which means that if you engage in communications with her, you are the strict parent. This is not a good basis for a mature relationship. But from your own toe of voice, you probably think so too.

She never wanted to leave the family she never thought that was option. She was always hoping to wind it down.

She needs to take it day by day and hopefully she doesn't fall off the bandwagon.

I told her that was a great start, but if that's all she can do then i need to plan a life without her. Then she said so i guess it's over there's no way back to me.

Luke, just in case you're wondering, a normal response to all this would have been, "OMG, I never intended to leave you, I don't want to lose you just to have one more meeting with this guy, I will call him up right now in front of you and tell him it's over and then you can talk to him if you want to." That would be a normal response from someone who never intended to leave and wants to save the marriage. Not, "I need to take it day by day" and "I guess there's no way to save the marriage then."

When she gets the divorce papers in her hand, then she will end this affair. Or when you out them at work.

I'm angry and disgusted for you, man. She is some piece of work. Every day she drags this out and keeps up with this nonsense will make it harder for you when she does come back. Looks like she gets to have all the fun and you get to eat ____. I feel for you, man.

Luke, just in case you're wondering, a normal response to all this would have been, "OMG, I never intended to leave you, I don't want to lose you just to have one more meeting with this guy, I will call him up right now in front of you and tell him it's over and then you can talk to him if you want to." That would be a normal response from someone who never intended to leave and wants to save the marriage. Not, "I need to take it day by day" and "I guess there's no way to save the marriage then."

I'm angry and disgusted for you, man. She is some piece of work. Every day she drags this out and keeps up with this nonsense will make it harder for you when she does come back. Looks like she gets to have all the fun and you get to eat ____. I feel for you, man.

The above from wk55 says it PERFECTLY. If she has lunch with him again, especially tomorrow, you tell her when she leaves the house the lockes will be changed.

i know you can't keep her out, but you sure can give her something to think about other than her lunch date.

She is telling you. No, i will continue my affair as long as I want and you will just have to accept my problems.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 2:36 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Just got off the phone with my attorney. Can't meet till next week. I need to find out my options and how it works then.

But, i listened again to some stuff and there is no way she can be around him. She's like a teenager with him. I love how she is making this into i'm driving her away. Like this is my fault. Like i'm just suppose to go,"Oh, it's ok honey. You can just fuck him anytime. Come home anytime. Be a mom when you feel like it. I'll be waiting with dinner when you come home"

In all honesty, she's out of her mind. How could an otherwise loving person be like the goddamn devil.

And yes, she never thought i would do anything. She thought,"oh gee, i thought we would just say it was a phase". If i hear that one more time...

Are you going to expose them to HR?

What did she tell him about your talk last night?

And this is what your life will be like if you do not go nuclear to HR tomorrow when she comes home and tells you she is still going to lunch with him.

If she told him nothing about last night, she believes she has you by the balls and you will do nothing.

Your last post was a be t. That is ok. Do not give her any wiggle room tonight or ease off on her. I am telling you by dong that you are saying you will tolerate it. Even when you say you won't nothing has happened. She goes to work every day , carries on with him and walks in like all should be ok. You can not let it be on for a minute.

I think she thinks you are bluffing about D.

I would get in the car with her tomorrow and go to work with her and walk right into the HR department with all the evidence you have

[This message edited by Badhurt at 3:28 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

In all honesty, she's out of her mind. How could an otherwise loving person be like the goddamn devil.

And yes, she never thought i would do anything. She thought,"oh gee, i thought we would just say it was a phase". If i hear that one more time...

You are dealing with a drug addict in a sense.

The affair, the fantasy fake life is a drug. In other words you have to treat her as a drug addict. That is why she cannot be around him anymore than a drug addict can be around anyone that has access to drugs.

Or an alcoholic, no difference. And your wife said it herself without realizing it when she said she hopes she doesnt fall off the wagon.

Well, alcoholics who are trying, do not purposely go to the bar where drinks are served, yet she continues to go to work with this OM.

Ask her how she would react if you had been doing all this crap with some other woman. Does your wife think, oh, okay, fine, it's a phase and nothing wrong.

Your wife is smart enough to know she would have ripped into you if you had done this.

Did she go to lunch with him today.

Since you have to wait, get her the book Not Just Friends, maybe it is there locally at a store or library. Maybe she will learn a thing or to about this NOT being a phase.

Sorry let me rephrase. The stuff i heard today was old.Not from today. It's just i'm listening to it again to try and toture myself i guess.

To my sources. They have not spoken today, and my sources are pretty good. I hear what your all saying, i just think if i go straight to HR we r done right then. She'll be fired, he will be fired. It will be over. She will resent me forever.

My current thinking is talk to the OM and use it as a tool to give her room. I know it's a risk. I know.

I know i might come back and say maybe i should have.., but this is what i feel i need to do now. It's not full on nuclear it's not nothing. It's thoughtful action.

I am still meeting with my attorney Wed. to understand all options.

[This message edited by Luke at 3:50 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

Luke,

Here is what will happen if you give her a book to read. She will play like she is reading it, go in to work and laugh about it with her OM, and take her sweet time telling you she is busy. All buying more time to play.

You are getting an up to date play by play on basically everything she is doing and saying, which is unusual and great snooping on your part.

I do not know how anyone reading what is going on here can even be talking to you about books, reading, reconciliation, or anything but total war with what she is doing right now.

Unlike on a lot of threads, where there is a lot of guesswork on what they are saying, you have it all.And each day it gets worse and worse because she is showing absolutely nothing but contempt for your hurt and has no intentions of doing anything but trying to move underground and continue this.

Forget about R now. It takes two for that, and if she has been staying out late nights you should not have let that go on, but not much you can do about that now.

Tonight you will get your dose of lies or silence. But if you reveal what you know she did today she will know it was not the restaurant that you had PI at. be careful, the last thing you need now is a ut off of information you are getting.

Badhurt agreed. I'm not letting her in on anything else i uncover. That is just for me in my decision on is she moving forward with what she says or is she deceiving again. Because, then yes my source will be revealed. I agree on the book as well. I don't think she would do what you said, but she is not ready to hear what it says now.

Finally, i'm so thankful i found this site. you all have kept my sanity in the hardest week of my life. At first i went to another site and won't name names. The guru suggests trying to outlast the lover for up to 6 mos. To compete with him. I was like r u kidding. I'm emotionally spent after 1 day. 6 mos. U guys are real and have been through the trenches. I might do some things you don't agree with but please know i listen to everything written and take it all in.In the end i do what feels right for me.

Luke,

He is a single man, not a married man so you have no leverage other than his job. What on earth are you going to say to him. Please stop trying to fuck or stop fucking my wife.??? Do you not think he knows she is married and does he give a shit, so what do you ask him to do? it is your wife who is the pursuer here and who could end it in a minute, but she does not want to.

What you are doing is transferring your hurt to him and because you have still not accepted this is all on her.

PS One other thing. If your marriage hinges on her staying in that job it os over anyway because as long as they both are there and he is single you will have no peace. You said it yourself above.

It is your life. We have all seen this story before. We will be here for you.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 4:05 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

She's like a teenager with him. I love how she is making this into i'm driving her away. Like this is my fault.

This type of behavior is typical of people in affairs.

Married people who have affairs are most often, immature, not ready to accept adult responsibilities and are acting out because of that.

As others have said, the affair is a drug, and like a cocaine addict, she needs to be separated from her drug of choice.

In all honesty, she's out of her mind. How could an otherwise loving person be like the goddamn devil.

She is a drug addict. She is immature. Child like people can be very loving, but they are also selfish and self absorbed.

I really think you need to talk to OM on Friday.

Ask him to quit or you will go to HR and have both fired.

I agree with the others, this man will drop your wife like a hot potato.

If he doesn't quit, he will not want to have contact with your wife.

But if you can't get him to quit. Is there any way your wife can be transferred to another location?

Proximity to her drug of choice, will keep her addicted.

I wouldn't recommend changing the locks but I would move her out of the bedroom. Be sure to protect yourself legally though. Keep a voice-activated recorder (VAR) on you. You would be shocked by what reactions you get from foggy WS. More than one BS has needed to document their conversations with their WS. Sometimes due to intentionally false allegations. Other times due to borderline delusional perceptions.

I hear what your all saying, i just think if i go straight to HR we r done right then. She'll be fired, he will be fired. It will be over. She will resent me forever.

The thing about this is, many times when the WS quits the job, the affair continues anyway. But it sure as hell makes it harder. And it sure makes it better for the BS knowing that they are not working together.

As for giving her the book to read. Most WWs ignore what family or friends tell them if it is something they don't want to hear. They will especially ignore their BH, because they know what they are going to say.

When the WW reads something from a book, written by a known author on the subject, they sometimes take notice at least to a couple of paragraphs.

No, she wont go running to the OM for a laugh. From the sounds of the conversation, the OM wants nothing to do with any commitment or being in the middle of this. He only wanted one thing.

Luke, how old is this guy, older, younger or the same age as your wife?