SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not interested in the FOG stage of the affair where the WS is still in fantasy land. We all know they rarely show remorse.

What I'm still curious about is whether the WS who leaves for their POS, never to return, ever begins to show consiliatory behaviour, regret, remorse or even apologises years later once all of their delusion dissipates (assuming it ever does).

In my situation the exWW isn't having the greatest existence. Nothing has quite worked out how she'd hoped and she will be out of the honeymoon period by now. She is still an extremely malevolent person toward me and still attempts to make my life very difficult so I'm expending energy trying to understand if she will ever likely mellow and calm the fuck down.

Any stories?

Been 11.5 years and counting. Suffice it to say that I'm not going to receive any sort of apology, see any remorse or hear anything but how I "made" him unhappy.

And yes, the Karma Bus has made a few laps over his sorry ass and it still can't be his fault.

I find living well is the best revenge. I have a cute little house, fabulous friends, a wonderful hobby, my dream job and an SO who just adds that special something to an already full life. That, more than anything else, is what you should strive for. Live well. Find happiness and fulfillment in your life, and if it's not there, create it. Seek out healthy hobbies and friendships.

In my case, the OW decamped years ago, after using him for his social standing and his money for years. When he complained to me about this, my response was, "As you recall, I wasn't wild about your relationship with her."

Cat

A friend of mine is about...20 years out. No apology. Oh he does the whole regret thing, but it's still all about him. It doesn't seem to occur to him that he did the wrong thing and owes her an apology. He wasvery upset when she remarried, told her that he wanted to remarry her (still no apology) and she asked him why he thought she'd want him? I think some unremorseful WS truly believe that because we were there and wanted to R at the time, that we'll always be pining for them, so no apology needed....that entitlement thing, don't cha know?

"As you recall, I wasn't wild about your relationship with her."

That's a great retort. Very dry.

Well, that's quite a depressing thought. I guess I will have to hold out for reaching 'meh' rather than getting any sign of an apology. It bugs the hell out of me. I've always been one for balance, fairness and justice.

I find that very few people actually apologize about anything and cheating is no exception.

My XH married the final OW and I have known all these years from comments made to my kids, my siblings and other mutual friends/acquaintances that he expressed some sort of regret. I think if at any point, after he was with the OW and even married to her, if he had tried to make some big deal of apologizing to me, I would have been more annoyed than anything else.

I can only speak from my experience. I am 10 months out from dday 2 and separation and 2 months divorced.

I get emails that say I am sorry but...it always turns to blaming me, his mother, his father, genetics, everything but him.

So not true remorse and I don't even think the sorry is about me but about what his life is like now. He left me on dday, both times, out the door in minutes. He didn't leave for either of them but I think having to face himself was just impossible for him. In his words, "I'm just not that deep".

In order to actually be sorry for what they have done, to really feel remorse I believe they would have to do that internal digging, introspection, looking at themselves and not liking what they see and desiring to change and atone. I don't believe my x is capable of that. First he would have to develop feelings for someone other than himself.

I think that if that time ever came, it would take so long that it would not hold any meaning for me.

Detach, it is all we can do.

I hear you AAS.

Not sure if you were around in 2013? The Arse had left and I was doing the pick me dance. He had told me that I had hurt him too much for him to come back. He'd also made it clear that he'd never forgiven me for anything. So I wrote a very long apology for anything I could think of that I might ever have done wrong. (I know, I know...stupid! At least I didn't let him keep it. He read it and told me it meant a lot to him. That was it. Nothing in return. Seven MONTHS later (when I'd got healthier) he came round and told me he'd forgiven me. Still no apology from him. I think he thought I'd melt into his arms...he was most put out at my dumbstruck reaction to his cheek.

Some of them, no matter how well brought up (and The Arse was brought up to always apologise) just do not have it in them. If you keep waiting for an apology, you will just feel more resentful as time goes on, and that will affect who you are,without affecting them at all.

I've had to reluctantly accept that he will never apologise, because it would never occur to him to do so. He's like a broken talking doll, stuck on one phrase "It's not my fault". Sure, it's annoying when the doll keeps saying the same thing, so I just try to avoid letting him speak.

Although, did you ever watch Red Dwarf? Sometimes he seems to act like the Talkie Toaster...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?vLRq_SAuQDec

He's very badly damaged

I haven't yet received an apology. It was kinda funny when I had him served D papers, he texted "I didn't know I was that bad of a person". WTF??? He set me up to be friends with a woman he slept with for a year! I guess if he killed me, then maybe he would be that bad of a person!

I have figured out that a person who up and leaves their current life for a new one without deep counseling first, is probably too messed up to really do anything remorseful.

Also,, btw,,, I have a theory about the meaness they show us. IF they can push any emotion out of us, then they can say,"see why I HAD to leave?" That's why they only get crickets from me--even when they came to my house hollering at me about my children, I gave them no response, and called 9-11. The happier you and I are in their face, the less their claim of us being evil holds true.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:31 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)]

11 years out and its still all my fault.

I have come to accept that its all my fault. Having enough respect for myself to tell him to leave- was my fault! He still won't own cheating.

My life is about ME,MYSELF,AND I. My kids are moving toward being on their own. I no longer need an apology from him. Getting to this place is freeing.

Having zero expectations of ex is a good place.

K

In order to actually be sorry for what they have done, to really feel remorse I believe they would have to do that internal digging, introspection, looking at themselves and not liking what they see and desiring to change and atone. I don't believe my x is capable of that. First he would have to develop feelings for someone other than himself.

I think that if that time ever came, it would take so long that it would not hold any meaning for me.

+1

This is so true Cantaccept. I guess it's also a defence mechanism. When some people are unable to say sorry (and mean it) when it is clear (even to themselves) that they've done something wrong or made a mistake, they cannot face the shame and vulnerability in themselves because they don't have it in them to be able to accept that they could be at fault for anything. I believe this is where my WW is at and whilst she's not a narcissist, it is a common narcissistic/sociopathic behaviour.

Nope. Never got an apology from either of my two wxgf's or my xww. I got a confession from one wxgf after she broke up with me and realized what a mistake she made after a bf (not OM) put her through the ringer and then dumped her. Funny thing is she admitted she shouldn't have broken up with me. She admitted she cheated before she broke up with me. Never said sorry.

That's because she regretted the consequences to her. She didn't even consider my pain.

Sorry brother , I have given up waiting or needing this . For years in my marriage I was always wrong , I always apologized for everything even if I thought it was not my fault. She will never accept responsibility at all. I know this because Right before D day towards the end of my marriage , I cried yup cried like a baby to my ex MIL who is a cheating animal. After 14 years divorced she still could not even admit to her affair nor apologize as she watched her daughter follow in her foot steps. On the phone she told me how bad and mean her ex was (my FIL who was a great man and never cheated) So no they will never apologize in my opinion. Sorry

Wow, just wow.

I was sort of hoping she would eventually apologise becuase this would indirectly make her a better mother and she would start to be more reasonable about co-parenting.

I guess not.

Not to raise any false hopes here, but I left and haven't returned to my XW. I have apologized both in person and on SI. I regret all that I have done to hurt her.

This may or may not give you some hope, but it is possible for us former waywards to come to our senses. But, it varies from person to person. I think those waywards who have personality disorders and sexual addictions are a special case, and I can't speak for them.

But, for me, when I worked on myself and kept reading here, I began to see what a piece of shit I really was.

I'm sorry all of you are hurting. This stuff just shouldn't happen. I hope someday you find peace.

Mine apologized and asked for forgiveness in an email. But it really was not very satisfying to receive. It was 2.5 years after DDay and did not do much for me the way I thought it would.

Mine "got it" about 18 months after the D was final when he realized how much his life had changed without me in it.

By that point, I was so over him and all of his bullshit.

It doesn't matter. Repeat that.

Mine said it once but it was followed with "I was unhappy for 2 years with us". Which means you were actually cheating for two years. Oh and never told me you were unhappy. So in other words you are sorry you got caught. Maybe sorry you wrecked your kids, family and lost your friends. You are not sorry for what you did to me however.

Mine hasn't and I hope she never does. I'd rather never hear from her or see her again. that's a luxury I have since we didn't have kids, though.

About a month ago, DS was visiting XW. He pissed her off in some way. Her response? *You're turning into an asshole just like your father".

Not expecting an apology anytime soon.

D was 20 years ago.

Here's the thing - like many others have said, it doesn't matter.

I got an apology, and it was actually worse than not having gotten one.

Why? Because, for starters, it really was a non-apology. It wasn't a "sorry for my actions", it was a "sorry you were hurt". Yes, subtle difference, but it is important. It shifts the blame.

Also included were "I didn't handle things the right way." My translation: "I'm not really sorry for what I did, just sorry that I came across as a complete a$$ to everyone after the fact." Based on what he said in his apology, the only thing I think he would have changed was that he would have told me in person instead of leaving a note he wrote on the computer and printed out. I don't think he would have changed the cheating at all. I don't even think he really saw it as wrong, per se.

There were also all the normal excuses - I handled it badly, but I was unhappy, etc. Also an "I realized before we got married that I shouldn't marry you, but I didn't know how to call it off," and some form of, "I never really loved you THAT way."

To cap it all off, the apology was written as, "I realize I hurt you, and WhiteTrashHo, and WhiteTrashHo's daughter...." Yes, he actually apologized by saying he was sorry at how much he had hurt me AND the woman he was cheating with AND her daughter.

And then had no clue why I was so pissed... just said something to the effect that I was sinning because obviously I hadn't forgiven him given that I was angry at his apology.

Clueless... completely, utterly a freakin idiot. I was better off not having gotten an apology. It was really tough at the time I got it (I think ~ 2 years out from the D, maybe?)

Of course now I can just laugh about it, although it's a sad sort of laugh, because I can see how self-absorbed he was, and probably always will be.