I'm about 6 weeks out from D-Day so I don't know if this belongs in the Just Found Out forum, but another poster asked for my story, so here it is. I'll just barf out the details of my last 6 months here from start to finish, it will probably end up being really long, sorry, please don't read if you don't have time, its not that interesting.
My hell began in September, but something happened in July that is related. I was working very hard, 12-16 hour days and the stress and lack of sleep was was killing me. The stress would feed the insomnia which fed the stress, etc. Anyway, I thought my spouse understood that I was stressed out but apparently she didn't and instead saw a miserable asshole wandering around the house at all hours of the night. I guess if one of us chose to communicate at that point, we could have avoided a lot of pain.
September rolls around and we hired a contractor to do some work around the house. It was only supposed to take a week or so but ended up taking about 5 weeks. My wife was very friendly with this guy from the start, but I tried to be a trusting husband and not worry about it. At the same time I started getting really busy again and the stress started building up just like in July. Compound this with the additional stress caused by the ever increasing flirtation going on between my wife and this douchebag. By the end of September I was extremely stressed out, not sleeping, and somewhat concerned about my marriage. My wife at this point, just like before, didn't see a stressed out, overworked guy, she saw an asshole with a short temper around the house which is as good a reason as any to pursue a relationship with this guy. I started recognizing I needed help so I did go get some sleeping pills which helped a bit.
The first week of October was the last week of work for this douchebag and, according to my wife, the flirtation went into over drive. Since the job was ending, it was now or never for them. I was of course at work during most of this but was very concerned. On Wednesday of that week, this douchebag kissed my wife but she was a very willing participant and did her part to make sure something happened. He wasn't around Thursday but was back on the Friday and they then discussed the parameters of their affair. He said he had long term affairs (several years???) with married women in the past so he knew how to keep them quiet.
That weekend, I confronted my wife and she denied anything was happening. I begged her for the truth and told her I would rather know the truth than live a lie and she said nothing was going on. I believed her, the job was done, and I figured that was it. However, something just was not sitting right, I never really felt comfortable in my own house anymore, and I felt disconnected from my wife. I couldn't put my finger on it, just a really bad feeling in my gut. I didn't know at the time, but they continued to communicate over the home phone.
This disconnect continued to feed my stress and by the last week of October, I was really struggling. One day I blew up at my wife over something stupid and she left the house for a couple of hours. She came back and barely talked to me for days. What I didn't know was she went and bought a cell phone, contacted the douchebag, and met him at a bar for drinks.
When she left that day and then didn't talk to me for days afterwards, I was devastated, I was already a mess after the month I had and I felt I was losing her. This may have been hysterical bonding, or the actions of a man who finally realized what was important in life, but I immediately made the decision to make changes to become a better man. This included not working so much, getting on medication for stress/sleep, making a conscious effort to treat her better and not have anymore blowups, etc. I also suddenly had the intense desire to be with her constantly, and started listening to her music, reading her books, anything to try to build a connection with her.
By the end of the October, she was talking to me again, and things seemed somewhat normal by Halloween aside from the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.
The month of November was more of the same, I felt disconnected and concerned over the state of my marriage. I found some bizarre internet searches she made such as "how to be a mistress", "what are the rules of an affair", "how to seduce a married man", etc and I confronted her on that. She told me that she was trying to find ways to spice up our marriage since we had such a rough patch. I tried to believe her, but it didn't sit right and it just added to the uneasiness I was feeling that I just couldn't shake.
So, things went on, I would continuously revisit her search history to try to figure what was going on. I asked her about it a couple of times, but her story didn't change, I tried to accept it but couldn't. I also noticed that she seemed very stressed out too and she was taking pills to sleep as well. This was an alarm bell for me. At times my wife would seem very distant and other times things seemed normal.
There was some good stuff in November/December as well, she did seem to be coming back to me a bit and was starting to believe me that I really could change and become a better man. I started going to counseling regarding the stress and started investigating meditation. We went out quite a few times and had some special moments. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, she was in contact with this douchebag throughout all of this with her secret cell phone. It hurt when I found out that she was talking/texting with him on what I thought were very special days for us as we rebuilt our marriage. In my mind I was doing everything I could to save our marriage, unfortunately she was secretly working to destroy it.
By Christmas I was getting more into meditation, trying to get past the stress and marriage fears, etc. However, over the Christmas holidays, I found 4 condoms in her purse. I didn't recognize the brand, but I went through all my dresser drawers to see if I had ever owned that brand and it didn't look like it. I also tried to see if this particular brand of condom was sold in 4 packs (grasping at straws, I know), but of course thats not the case and I had to assume she originally had 12 of these. I was visibly shaking at this point, which was pretty normal for me by that time. I remember when I first saw the condoms, saying to myself "here come the shakes". From that point forward, I would often check her purse, particularly when she came home from somewhere, to ensure there were still 4 condoms.
My wife could always tell when I was stressed out, since it was so obvious, and encouraged me to do the meditation, etc to try to deal with it. I would silently scream at her, "Just tell me the truth, that would help me deal with this!!!". Unfortunately I had no proof, so I just kept moving along.
On New Years Eve, after a few too many drinks, I broke down in front of her and asked her to "remember this night, wherever you are next New Year's Eve". It shocked me when that came out and I guess it was my subconscious telling me that I didn't believe we would last much longer and this was our last New Year's together. I think that was the height of my despair and helplessness, I broke down again when I told my MC about this particular event, and I'm tearing up now even as I write it. Even that wasn't enough for her to finally give me the proof.
On January 9th, she went out with her friend to a bar, and as usual I used this time to once again revisit her search history and tear the house apart looking for more clues. That night I found three things in another one of her purses: The other 8 condoms (thankfully), a list of questions you might ask a potential lover (have you done this before, have you been tested for STDs, when would we meet, etc), and receipts for a cell phone. There was nothing on the cell phone receipt that told me the phone number or anything, so I couldn't do anything with this information, but it was something.
She came home that night and we hung out for a bit, I was shaking like a leaf at that point, but I don't think she noticed. While she was taking a bath, I checked her purse to count the condoms, AND THERE WAS THE PHONE. I tried to start it up, but either it was dead or I didn't know how to use it. I ended up putting it back in her purse. In hindsight, I should have kept it, she would have been tearing the house and car apart looking for it I'm sure, it would have been a small amount of joy in an otherwise horrible time. 
Of course I couldn't sleep that night, so I was up playing with the cell phone, but couldn't get it going and I couldn't find the charger. The next morning, I checked and it was still there, I went for a shower and checked again, and the phone was gone. When I had the chance, I would search the house, but could never find it again. Twice that weekend, with all the new information I had, I asked again if there was anything going on and she still said no. We did have good talks though and it seemed that she saw that I was a changed man and was doing everything I could to rebuild our marriage. She seemed to be with me fully at those times. I never let on what I knew though.
On January 12th, while looking for the cell phone, I found the original paperwork that came with it which included the phone number and the PIN. I thought the PIN was to unlock the phone and, of course, I couldn't find it. That night, actually the next morning (Jan 13th) at 3AM I nearly bolted out of bed and realized that the PIN WAS TO LOGIN TO A WEBSITE. I got up, went to the cell provider's website, logged in, and looked at the records. When I saw that she had been communicating with the douchebag all that time I was shocked and it shows how much I trusted her and believed her; I honestly thought she was hooking up with an old boyfriend or something like that. I turned on all the lights, stormed up the stairs, woke her up, and told her we had to talk. By 3:30 AM on January 13th, the shit had thoroughly hit the fan and unbelievably, I finally got some relief. A huge weight suddenly was lifted from my shoulders.
Anyway, the end result was they kept in contact for months via text and phone calls and made attempts to meet up for drinks and whatever that may lead to, but they were never able to get synced up. I do believe her. Once I confronted her, she immediately came clean and seemed to be thoroughly interested in fixing our marriage. This shocked me as I figured it was over and she wanted very little to do with me, but she seemed to be genuine. I asked her why she couldn't be with me fully before then and she said with such a huge secret, she couldn't. Once the truth was out, the feelings of disconnect and stress disappeared and were replaced with sadness and despair instead.
We've been working hard ever since. My wife has her own threads going, so you can get the rest of the story there I'm sure. She is trying to understand why she did what she did, why she couldn't give up the cell phone when she saw me suffering and working so hard to save us, etc.
I think we have strong prospects for a full reconciliation and things will be far better than they ever were.
[This message edited by MrNotASlut at 9:26 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]
