SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Without anger, I am tempted to reach out instead of lash out.

Anger is better than depression. Anger when turned outward right can lead to rash and good decisions. Depression is like a deer in head lights.

You do not lash out, take control. And control does not mean lashing out. It means just that, taking control.

Your wife is feeding you a constant line of bullshit. She knows your love is strong, you and her can get through this...blah blah blah.

Actions are far stronger than words. She needs to back up her words with actions. And the actions she needs to take are the actions that will put your fears to ease. You have every right to be fearful, living with a liar is shear hell!!!

She has no right to privacy at this time, and if she has nothing to hide, than she should be giving you access to everything. She lost her right to privacy.

Unless she can give you full access to all passwords and text messages, etc, assume she is still having the affair.

This is very common. The WW will compartmentalize...love the husband, love being married, but also still need to be in the affair.

This does not mean she loves the OM, it means she doesnt know anything...confused.

She is addicted to the affair and that needs to be broken. Do not play the pick me dance. Do not be nice to her, because that never works, and lashing out can get the cops called.

The affair needs and she needs to be totally transparent with you. Otherwise file for a divorce, which will let her know, you are not going to allow her to disrespect you anymore with this silly game.

I agree with Craig. Anger used to cut through the malaise of despair and drive action to take control is great.

Anger used to create a muddy hog pen of misery to roll around in? Not so much.

I like your thoughts concerning my anger. Anybody who has read my posts from several weeks ago will remember that I showed up here humiliated, emasculated, betrayed, bedraggled and ANGRY. I allowed love and trust to rule the first two times I confronted WW.

I allowed my big, dumb, loving heart to be manipulated. I was five states away, attending to my mother who was in the hospital with pneumonia when I received a phone call from a trusted friend and employee. He had spotted my wife going into a motel room and thought I should know. I called her immediately. She said she was at Walmart’s. So, obviously, she had parked her car at Walmart parking lot, and walked down the street to the motel. She had me outsmarted and out maneuvered again. Our marriage must have really been important to her, because, why else would she go through all that trouble not to get caught.

She had me fooled into thinking that my suspicions and concerns were so far off base that I had to be crazy. It was fairly easy for her to convince me that I was over reacting and misreading the entire situation because that’s what I wanted to believe. WW was easily able to fool me because I was having trouble integrating and understanding what my gut was telling me. In actuality, my heart, brain and gut were having a free for all.

She accepted all responsibility for allowing the stupid text to go too far but also cautioned me that I had to get a grip.

I know now that WW was doing all this to foolproof her infidelity. I could call her as many times as I needed and she would always let me know where she was. I would always know her GPS locations, I would have open access to her cell phone. She knew by this time that my love was blind. A fool in love, but a fool non-the-less. She was fool proof; and I was the fool.

I began this post to tell you about my consultations with lawyer number one and lawyer number two, but ended up ranting again. Sorry. I am in a better place now and I will post again after work. Much has happened since I last posted but I don’t know how much of it is good; or if any of it is good. One thing I am discovering is that there are no obvious right and wrong answers; sometimes you just have to follow your gut. She has ripped out my heart, and proven that I cannot trust my brain; but courage I do have. Much has happened, but I am still walking away.

Infidelity is one of those situations where you have to go directly through it, to get to the other side. There is no going around, over or under it. It's one big emotional head on collision, don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you made along the way. The past is the past and the important thing is to look ahead not behind. Your doing good brother, don't think that your not.

Infidelity is one of those situations where you have to go directly through it, to get to the other side. There is no going around, over or under it. It's one big emotional head on collision, don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you made along the way. The past is the past and the important thing is to look ahead not behind. Your doing good brother, don't think that your not.

Very true

I met with an attorney and got a lot of information; none of it good, and absolutely nothing that will enable me to put a positive spin on any of this. At one point I asked him whose side he was on anyway. He sounded more like he was representing my WW than me. He said that telling me what I wanted to hear would not change the facts.

As a SAHM, WW will need financial support, at least temporarily, in order to get the education and training necessary to get a decent job. I asked him how long ‘temporary’ is? That is to be decided by the judge. How much financial support? Also to be decided by the judge. I’m thinking, well, at least I won’t have child support, one daughter is married and two are off at college. Beep, wrong again. In my state there is no cut off age for child support. If my children are still operating inside the sphere of parental influence (such as going to college) then my support obligations continue.

He also said I should return WW lap top and cell phone immediately. He said that snooping without her permission could have very unpleasant circumstances and make the divorce unnecessarily ugly, messy and uncomfortable for me in so many ways. He said that if I access this information without her authorization, it could be considered an infringement on her right to privacy.

Basically, WW can then file a civil suit against me on the grounds of invasion of privacy. He said that in my case, the invasion would be so conspicuous and flagrant that I could be subject to significant damages. Also, these damages could be collected by an offset against the marital assets. He did not want me going into this with unrealistic expectations.

Even though I have become resolved of the inevitability of divorce, he told me that my highly charged emotional state is a weakness that can be exploited by my WW and the one thing I want to avoid, at all cost, is a hostile divorce. I need to let go of the anger in order to be emotionally prepared to address the legal issues of divorce. He referred me to a domestic relations family law attorney, whom I met with this morning. Bottom line; my confiscating WW’s computer and cell are a big deal to this attorney also.

[This message edited by DoneGone at 11:39 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

DoneGone, no big surprises. There have been continual signs that you have been letting your emotions rule your actions too much. The problem with letting your emotions be your motivator for action is that emotions are poorly controlled but easily manipulated. Your attorney is calling it right.

you win by making the cleanest, most graceful exit possible within the structure of the law that allows you to move on, not by dragging both of you down into a hellhole of despair.

Hey, the truth sets us free, and in that regard you got what you needed - some cold, hard truth. Now you know what you need to do, my friend.

Boldness & strength!

Donegone, unless I missed it, was this a PA physical affair? or was it an EA emotional affair?

I know there are both bad and everyone has different deal breakers, but do you think there could be an attempt to R?

I don't mean to offend you and other members here, I was just asking because of the new info from the attorneys.

and no one should go into R just because of financial reasons but some do.

[This message edited by convert at 12:57 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Sounds like your fucked either way.....(according to the first lawyer) might as well get the truth from the phone and laptop. At least for your own peace of mind.

DG,

Go for it dude, it will never got any worse that it is.

1) hack the laptop and the cell phone. For your own satisfaction to learn who she really is.

2) See another attn. an aggressive one not a P**sy. Better a woman.

3) keep the 180 to the limit.

4) try to go out as much as possible. Socialize with your friends, and keep her out of your circle.

5) get some time to calm down, and collect as much evidence as you can.

6) IC to vent.

7) If you get all the necessary info, prepare a Power Point, and arrange for an event with family and friends. Serve her with divorce papers and a nice presentation how she was a decent and wonderful wife over all these years. Don't forget to thank her for it.

Let it be what it needs to be then. Let her live in her shame publicly.

Damn,

I just heard the computer and phone got destroyed in a fire. Thankfully you read it first Don't give these back until you get another consult.

Look, you could always get a consult from a third attorney. You need someone to be aggressive on your behalf, even if this attorney is right.

Houseofplane is correct. It is your time to start the new chapter of your life. Even if you do get screwed in court, you are even more screwed living with and being married in a horrendous situation to a corrupted person.

Rafi gives excellent advice. It is a good gameplan.

I can tell you Rafi is right regarding a woman attorney. not saying they are better but they seem to be more aggressive in a Family Law/Divorce situation.

In my life, maybe by accident but guys like you get victimized for being productive. I am getting tired of these stories about WW stepping out after the kids go to college. Sorry it happened to you

[This message edited by Western at 1:54 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]

DoneGone

First , you are correct. You have come a long way since your first post. I just re read it.

As far as the computer and phone are concerned, at this point I do not know why it matters what is on it. I don't think there is anyone who has read this thread that believes that there is not a ton of stuff on both the computer and phone that will prove you do not even know a fraction of her betrayal and probably that all of the NC letter and all that other crap was a lie. I would bet she has taken it underground .

If you WW is willing to go through a divorce rather than let you see what is on that computer , either it is more than incriminating stuff or she belongs institutionalized.

Either way you need to be DONE.

Once you decide you have reached to point of no return I would just hand it back to her and tell her you hope the memories of getting banged by her boyfriend were worth it and you have no need for it anymore.

My guess is if she is not still seeing him she will then want another chance once she deletes everything .

I would get a second opinion if possible on what this lawyer told you. And by the way I think if she tries any expensive legal stuff to go after you I think she will just be decreasing the total assets you have so she will get less . I am not a lawyer so I could be wrong. I have not read of too many WS going after BS for taking a computer and phone that the BS paid for.

DoneGone, after your latest round with the lawyers, I think we all see even more why anger is such a huge deal for a BH in your position.

Our courts, and or country have legislated morality and decency out of our lives, families, and marriages. Its an awful, disgusting and impossible to accept truth.

So, I think your task at hand is to coolly, maybe even coldly assess reality. Reality is you are going to get screwed. All you can do now is "mitigate the screwing" - to use some legalese.

With regard to the lawyers, have you attempted to locate local "father's rights" specialists? There are a few well know firms that advertise on the radio, they probably have websites that might be useful. Also, don't forget she's going to need a lawyer. The latest fad is to screw your spouse by having meetings with any lawyer you worry might be useful to the spouse, thus creating a conflict to disqualify the attorney.

Hopefully you can find someone that is up on the "father's rights" movement, and put in place some roadblocks. If its divorce you want, best to get her to agree quickly.

Wait a sec, people advising OP to see another lawyer..am I crazy seems the lawyer laid out the hard cold facts of the matter based on OP's situation and where they lived.

This is exactly the information the OP needs. Take the emotion out of it and start dealing with the facts and start planning accordingly.

Now it's all about manoevering so he can get the best deal if he decides to D

I agree with Jcanada and nononsense.

The second attorney was referred by the first. I am in the legal profession but in a different capacity. However, Family Law is one of my specialties. I do feel it would be beneficial to get another consultation and to get an attorney who he feels will be more passionate in representing him. If I had a doctor telling me I am going to lose my right arm and another who said he can save it and both are qualified, you know who I am going for.

A few years ago, my wife was in jeopardy of losing her job and was being harassed at the job as well. We met one attorney who said 'we were screwed' took the consult fee and that was it. Three months later, another woman in a similar position at the same workplace hired another attroney who went after the hospital and saved her job and got a settlement. Two different attorneys can come up with different conclusions.

BTW, I don't buy the having to fund the college as a method of support. I've never seen that one before.

He is right though, his job is to tell you the truth. Not what you want to hear

You have presented some good questions and have also made some very excellent observations. First, I want to thank you. I have poured over your words, reading your post many times. Many of you have been through the dark night and many of us are still struggling to find our way. I appreciate you taking the time to shine your light in my darkness. It is the only light that I have had. You have presented questions that I want to answer for you and need to answer for myself.

HouseofPlane

you win by making the cleanest, most graceful exit possible within the structure of the law that allows you to move on, not by dragging both of you down into a hellhole of despair.

I tried to make the cleanest most graceful exit possible but the law would not allow; in fact, I think my attorney fired me. I read Spaceghost's thread and I know he did the right thing, for him.

My circumstances are different and yea, I know you've heard that one before. Keep in mind, there is no raving intellectual here. The fact that my WW had me suspecting I might be a raving lunatic pretty much establishes the level of my intelligence.

My WW has admitted nothing but 'stupid' texts; she has enlisted my daughters to talk some sense (her words)into me, and she has steadfastly refused to unconditionally give up passwords.

Convert

unless I missed it, was this a PA physical affair? or was it an EA emotional affair?

I do not have proof that it was physical, but I will have the information I need. I have been very deliberate in this process because I can’t allow my rage to cause me more problems. I have never ever been violent toward my wife. Not even remotely. The possibility did not exist. What I have found is that there really is this thin line between love and hate and I find myself fluctuating on one side and then the other at regular intervals. My first attorney was probably good but I could not accept the fact that my WW could do something like this and anything I try to do to prove it would be illegal and land me in a world of hurt.

Toby

Sounds like your fucked either way.....(according to the first lawyer) might as well get the truth from the phone and laptop. At least for your own peace of mind.

I agree brother, on both accounts and I do not believe there is anything I could do to make it worse.

Rafi, 1-7 yes.

Let it be what it needs to be then. Let her live in her shame publicly

I was thinking the attorney could give me a road map to get through this. I was expecting too much and I know I was grasping at straws.

Western

I just heard the computer and phone got destroyed in a fire. Thankfully you read it first Don't give these back until you get another consult.

Yes, damn shame about WW’s computer.

nononsense

First , you are correct. You have come a long way since your first post. I just re read it. As far as the computer and phone are concerned, at this point I do not know why it matters what is on it. I don't think there is anyone who has read this thread that believes that there is not a ton of stuff on both the computer and phone that will prove you do not even know a fraction of her betrayal and probably that all of the NC letter and all that other crap was a lie. I would bet she has taken it underground .

If you WW is willing to go through a divorce rather than let you see what is on that computer , either it is more than incriminating stuff or she belongs institutionalized.

Either way you need to be DONE.

I had to think about that, and this is my answer: Very true, but there are some things you just gotta know. There are three questions I have asked over and over, “Why?” “Why?” “Why?” She has always been a wonderful wife. I guess it is like not wanting to close the book on this part of my life without reading and understanding the last chapter. It’s like, if somebody killed your dog; even though it won’t bring your dog back, you still want to know why the SOB killed your dog. I have been with her for 26 years, married for 23 years and as far as I was concerned, it was true marital bliss. I really want to know what in hell she was thinking. I need to know how she could just throw it all away.

I have got to move on regardless, but, I need to resolve this issue, and gain understanding as to why she would nuke our life together. I never really understood why people need closure. I think I do now. I need firm answers as to what happened. I have this aversion toward ambiguity. I need my answers.

Done

If you break into the computer and phone , and I hope you get to do that , you are not going to be any closer to knowing why.

That would probably taken a lot of therapy.

What you are going to find out are a lot of gory details about what she was doing and saying to OM.

I hope that you do not hurt yourself more by not just filing and being done with it. I don't think you are going to feel better . You might be winning the battle but losing the war if the emotional damage of what these devices contain damage you further and does not change the net result.

there is no explanation that is plausible that would suggest the information on those devices would exonerate her in any way .

You need to do what you need to do for yourself . I just hope it is in your best interest at this point

Done,

this is probably the worst part of being betrayed by your wife. Being the bad guy.

Yep, she commits the crime yet YOU not only get hit emotionally and left in ruins, she can actually fuck you in the courtroom.

I would listen to your lawyer. Get a new one and see if he says the same thing as the first. Thats fine. But the laws of the land protect people like your wife. They get half IF AND ONLY IF you dont screw up any further, then they get even more. If you are in a "no fault state", you are pretty much screwed as a man. You wife could have fucked half the men in the region, means nothing to the law. So you need to "play that game" while keeping firm control over your actions.

My dad once told me that "life is not always fair". I understand what that means now. Only took me 4 decades, but I do get it now.

So who brought the kids into the equation? Was it you or her?

i don't know if this is the right thing, but if it were me, I'd tell her I either get the passwords or we divorce.

i think this is a control thing. she is trying to get control of this relationship. she says she'll give you the password at the MC? why? maybe go to the MC just to see if she follows through?

i can't stop being suspicious that she's lying to you. I'd also insist on a polygraph. If she refuses, that's pretty convincing evidence that she's trying to hide something.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 9:55 AM, April 17th (Friday)]