SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

has looked you right in the face and said you were crazy and that you don’t know what you are talking about and that maybe you need to get your facts right and head checked

Even though she knew you suspected, it was not enough for her to stop it. It was not a "wake up" call to her, that she should quit it. Now she wants to know what can she do to help.

Really? When did she break?

"Broken." I don't like it as an excuse. What is her particular type of "broken" does she have? Lack of integrity? Over-abundance of selfishness? Lack of loyalty?

What has happened to other man? Who else knows about this? Does everyone still think she is the one "had the marriage that others could only fantasize about?"

What's your short-term plan? Waiting it out a little longer?

RealityBlows, you just summed up my entire story. Almost eerily identical. Just a very few minor detail changes. Wow. That is spooky.

My advise:

1. Read the thread from SpaceGhost, as others suggested.

2. Decide what your limits are.

3. Find out exactly what happened. Take a poly, let her know only the day before. Schedule it and do not back out no matter what. I did it and it was worth EVERYTHING.

4. Decide based on proof.

Spaceghost's thread taught me that a physical affair is a deal breaker for me. Simply put, how can you ever trust her again when she could so easily lie while you thought all was going well? I don't think you ever could.

Anyone can develop emotions for someone else, given so many different circumstances. Taking it physical is not something that "accidentally" happens. I used to believe that R was always a better option, especially for the kids. I no longer believe that, especially for the kids.

DoneGone,

I understand where you are coming from.

This is my prospective of you and your situation, You are a Prideful Man with a large Ego, this is not negative. So you and your prideful Ego are hurt and this is the pain you are feeling. You are internalize and make this about yourself as if you should have been able to prevent her from cheating and keep this from happening. Stop it.

You are a great man and she is a good woman, People do stupid things, which she did.

Learn to understand why she did it and then come to terms with what you learn about her and you. Then move on.

Since my advice is not a cookie cutter, soft and gooey type, I'll be more than likely shunned for this. But what you need now is a good shot of don't let your prideful self fall because you can't control another person actions.

Wishing you better days ahead

DoneGone,

Just adding my voice that I unfortunately know what you are feeling. Nothing and no one can fix it. That's the cold hard shitty fact.

You've been fucked over for no good reason, and you have to either live with it, or pitch your wife, your life, your reputation, and your hard earned assets --then start again! Holy smokes, how can it be worse?

That's still not the end of it. You'll never see your wife the same again. She's tainted, and a betrayer. She wiped her feet on you, and walked over you.

And why? Oh it will really piss you off. "I needed more attention. I needed compliments. He was charming". Me, me, me, me. Sickening, pathetic school girl mush.

I've thought over all your questions for the last 15 months. Thats when my wife came clean about an affair 20 years ago that she lied about. Oh yeah, I got plenty of the "I am SOOOO sorry." And she meant it. Means it still. Sorry doesn't take away the image of another man fucking her. Sorry doesn't explain adultery and betrayal.

What do I tell guys like us? You have two choices:

Destroy your life, and work until you drop trying to recover from the fallout. No more early retirement, quiet times at ease. OR:

Learn to live, breath, and go thru life with an emotional, psychological limp. Forget being at peace.

[This message edited by jcanada at 3:31 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]

Also, DoneGone, I want to encourage you to keep up with posting, if you feel like it. I feel it helps to channel the anger somewhere like this, rather than other areas of life. That's just me, some guys may find avoiding the topic more healthy.

Anyway, as you can see, some of the men here can certainly relate, and not fall for the PC-crowd BS that tries to convince you you failed in some way, or this wouldn't happen. That's weak.

You're a strong, smart guy. You'll be able to pass on knowledge.

Reality Blows.. that is the BEST synopsis I have ever read on this situation.. exactly what's going on.

On the male side, same thing... worried he's getting old, starts working out, looks good, younger women notice, start to prowl, he starts to keep cologne in his car, shave in weird places, starts PUTTING his wife down.. my H puts me down all the time. Even my shoes aren't adequate. To justify their self absorption and new founded "youth".

The problem is just what you state. Affairs are total fantasy because there is no real life attachment. No kids, mortgage to pay, meals to prepare, laundry to wash, taxes to prepare.. all the yucky adult stuff... that's why it's so intoxicating.. because it's not REAL. Do you think these OP would want to live with our WS once they found out all their quirks? Would these young women want to pick their socks up off the floor, wipe their pee off the toilet set, listen to them snore? None of that is real romantic.

Love, real dedicated, loyal love is greater by far than any endorphin induced infatuation high. Because it's enduring.. what I thought I had with my H was deep.. we grew up together, raised children together, went through highs and lows, career changes, money problems, recessions, death of parents, losses of pregnancies.. a million things. I thought he was my best friend in this world.. but apparently, one day he woke up and decided I wasn't the best he could do. He could chart a "new, more exciting" future. He wanted "passion". I wasn't good enough.

While I was busy wiping noes and asses and doing algebra homework (while bringing home a paycheck to boot) he was dreaming about passion and a sportscar (which he bought) and reclaiming his lost youth. I became this ogre who stole his life from him.. who represents the past, all the BAD stuff and MOW and all the kibbles she dispenses are just too hard to resist!!

The sad thing is these folks almost always wake up and once they do, it's too late. I hope it won't be in your case.. I hope you are able to work it out.. it's possible if she's truly sorry and knows that what she's done is wrong. The lying bothers me.. she lied to your face. So many of them do.. only you can answer is that's something you can forgive. And it may take a LOT of time.

Most cheaters skip from Step Zero all the freakin way to Step 12 in about 25 minutes of flirting. Then try and rewrite marital history to justify the insanity.

^^^^^^the fucking truth^^^^^^^^^^^

Welcome brother. Try

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

It's called the 180. It's designed to give you the space to figure out EXACTLY the questions you have asked. I get that your WW is remorseful, but it sounds like you are in hell. Here's a way to help.

Strength

..have to agree with 'Reality Blows' assessment

..it's a common thread among BS's here

..and the thought that they'll never get caught!

When they do, they deny and they lie... also a common tactic.

So sorry you are here.. take care of yourself and be glad your 3 kids aren't 'kids'...they are old enough to learn one of life's most serious of lessons.

smy (somanyyears)

Now, I do not want to talk to her, be around her or even look at her. I have loved her for 26 years and now I feel only repulsion and hatred and an enraged love. I love it when I hate her and hate it when I love her.

I hate what she has done to me, done to us, done to our future. She is utterly devastated, admitted to everything (according to her) and cannot believe she was so foolish, selfish and stupid. I think that is bull crap. She says it had nothing to do with me, that it was all about her. She says she is terribly broken.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. But before you go much further you MUST find out if she is lying about not meeting in person. if you do not find out you will have no chance to R.

I again say if she is so remorseful she should BEG you to polygraph her to prove it.

the one thing you can count on is that most cheaters NEVER tell the whole truth right away so do not be absolutely sure you have it

Just an awesome post by realityblows. Spot on. Just a little tweaking to address gender differences would work in my case, and I'm sure many others. Thanks for that!

DG, so sorry you are here. The stories of seemingly great marriages where infidelity occurs are perhaps the scariest to me.

I guess the point to take home is that the M does not lead them to their choice to cheat. The BS seems irrelevant too. It's SUCH a difficult concept to grasp, but it is proven over and over again that it's all about the WS. His/her choices, his/her issues, his/her boundaries. Scary scary stuff. You really can't "affair-proof" your M. It's a myth.

I glad you found this place. It's an invaluable resource as you navigate through your pain, rage, disillusionment, and every other emotion on this crazy rollercoaster.

Wishing you strength and peace.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 5:07 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]

I am sorry but I have to ask, if you are repulsed by her and are sure your marriage is over, why have you not filed for divorce.

Is there some reason you think you can get past what she has done. It does not sound like that is the case.

Get a divorce and start to move on. No kids at home no real reason to stay.

The choice is yours. You can do what ever makes you feel better about your life.

It is up to you how to deal with this situation.

Was it limited to sexual texting and e-mails, or was it full infidelity.

Just feel the need to respectfully disagree with this statement. Sexual texting, sharing intimate personal info with a person outside your M, keeping the relationship secret from your spouse, etc is Full Infidelity. I think the point was being made that if PA then need to be tested for STDs. I agree. But please keep in mind these betrayals, even if not physical, are just as painful and devastating to a M.

Donegone

Your email really hit home. I was where you are now about 5 years ago. Wife texting not sure about a PA.

I hated, hated my wife couldn't stand to look at her, be around her. I started working on myself and it took lots of work but we ended up reconciling.

Good luck to you and whatever you choose do so after you work through your anger. Go to counselling its the best first step and work on you.

Donegone

I feel your pain in your text. Our stories are a little different but the pain was the same. (my WW had a one-night-stand while out of town, told me about it a couple of days later and apologized - you can read all the details of what happened and how I have struggled to recover over the last 18 months in my profile story.) I, like you, had the perfect marriage, loved my wife and thought I was doing everything right. I was utterly devastated when she confessed to me. I went through the anger stage (that you appear to be at now) during the first few months where I could not even bare to look at my wife.

As others have said, it is not your fault, but you would probably benefit from IC. Your WW also needs to get counseling to find out what is “broken” in her. If you want to pursue recovery she needs to dig deep and find the root cause for her actions.

---------

RealityBlows

Excellent post! I wish I would have read it 18 months ago when I was struggling to understand how my WW could have cheated on me. It took me months of research and IC to understand many of the facts that you encapsulated in your post.

Your insight on the affair sex, why it was so great for my WW due to the differentness and how it was able to fulfill a fantasy was spot on in my case.

Let be be the first one to call on Reality blows to write a book.

Excellent stuff

great write up RealityBlows - best I have read so far. You described it to a T! Well said. They should include that excerpt in the healing library of a typical cause of an A...

[This message edited by downintx at 12:11 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

Wow, I cannot tell you how humbling it is to receive such kindness from you guys. Thank-you with all my heart. I have read many post from this site but when I read words that were specifically written to me, I cried like a baby.

I read through your profiles and post. Some of you were strong enough to leave and some of you were strong enough to stay. You are fighting through your battles, which I know are horrific, and yet, you remain on the battle field so you can give a hand to others; like me. I know it has to hurt, yet you revisit your pain in order reach out to someone like me. I do not feel worthy of your support because my thoughts, words and imaginings are truly deplorable and far beneath the level of dignity, sympathy and understanding you extend my way. But, I do want you to know that reading the words you have written to me has helped.

I probably do not deserve it and for this, I apologize. My feelings are all over the place. I keep typing and deleting because there is so much ugliness and pain in my words; yet, when I re-type, the pain and ugliness is back on the page.

I have said all of this and much, much more to my WW and now I am saying it to you. My intent is to come across as the person I know myself to be; but maybe that person is gone and this is the person I am now. If that be the case, then I have yet another reason to despise WW.

I never intended to post on this forum; just read. I just wanted to learn how to deal, what to do. I have not found the answer. I think I am beyond help, even your help. I have read carefully the words you have written to me and I will tell you now, you are all better than I. I cannot see myself ever forgiving or getting past this betrayal. I cannot see me ever thinking a tender thought about her again. I cannot give her more than I have already given and I cannot be the fool and that is heart breaking. It is heartbreaking because I love her as much as ever and that is disgusting.

I will only settle for the wife I had, not the wife I now have. I loved the wife I had and, God help me, I still love the wife I have. During the day I have this reflexive impulse to call her, because I always called her several times a day, just to hear her voice. Immediately I have this sick, empty, lost feeling. I can’t call her. It would make me sick to hear her nice, concerned, sympathetic, understanding voice. “She has no right to ask me how I feel, she has no right to speak to me so kind.”

I do not want her to tell me one more time that she knows what she did. She DOES NOT know what she did. Somebody on this forum asked me the questions that “if I am sure I will not take her back, why not file for a divorce?” Because I can’t. I absolutely love her heart and soul. My entire identity is wrapped up in her. She has been my heart and soul and my highest inspiration; without her, what good am I? Yea, I know that’s a song, but that’s what it is.

Some nights I lay on the floor and just groan, wondering what I am, what have I done? I did not know that she had such power over me. I did not realize I was capable of feeling such unbearable anger, hurt, and love. The love part hurts every bit as much as the pain. I would pay any price to have this love surgically removed from my chest. It is what hurts me the most. The anger feels wonderful. The love hurts like hell.

.

But to be honest, maybe the uppermost reason I do not divorce her is because it would be too easy for her. Sorry, I think that is part of this horrible truth. If I divorce her she might start to move on and I want her to hurt. She is hurting but I want her to continue hurting. I want her to continue begging and pleading.

This is not me. I have never been like that. I feel like I have become a Jeckyll and Hyde. I know this is wrong and I will probably pay for it someday.

(((Done Gone)))

I unfortunately know exactly what you are going through. I have 33 years with my best friend/soulmate. I would have bet a million he would have ever done this to me. Just 3 months out from DD. First instinct was NO WAY, I cant deal with this. But after some time I realized that even if he didnt believe in our marriage vows I DID- For better or Worse. This is the WORST. You need some time, no need to decide this minute. Take your time and look after yourself right now. So sorry for you and want your going thru. This is a great place to vent and get advice.