SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I said your plan was solid DG, but on the issue of the laptop/phone - a couple people (Gradient, etc) have mentioned what will happen if you just unlock it and it links to the internet automatically..

I am no expert but sounds like these folks might be - have you considered their advice on this issue?

Just to make sure you get the answers you are looking for...

I understand you wish to redeem your self in your children's eyes, but can't you do that now without the information extracted from the laptop?

I ask because I don't believe that she told them that you caught her at a hotel/motel

Did you tell them?

At this point your daughters are old enough to where they can handle the truth.

Don't know what you want to do but what I would do is this (she involved your kids no need to be nice)

Get an IT guy to do it...

Pay him Cash, Do not say anything.... (Control your anger)

Once you get all proof you need. print it make copys scan it as a pdf file

PDF if it as an attachment to email, drafted up and saved on smartphone, type email/letter and explain to your daughters the truth nicely,attached with evidence their mom liar and manipulator. And tell them you are there for them....Take back laptop to therapy session and say look I don't need this any more, I just want to heal and move forward.

But right before you walk into Therapy Session Send it to your daughters. and text them both to check email asap. shut off your phone and go into session, play along and act cool, and give her back her shit.

Also send one to her brother and OM's spouse, and any one else that drank her koool aid. Just put on there, please pray for us but we are gonna make it thank you all for your support.

tell them you did not hack it or break into it when you turned it on it was logged on, and you were using it to find information on the next Marriage Encounters hosted at your church and Retrouville, because you want to make this work...and since your wife invited your daughters in this, you didn't see anything wrong with them knowing as they are just as concerned as you are for saving your marriage and keeping your family intact. I" love you Honey....and we are gonna get through this." Only after you expose her for who she is, that what I would do atleast....

This is the only time, this is warranted given your wife's calculated level of manipulation. But send it all off right before you go in for the session, Because you know for atleast an hour neither you or her will be taking any calls.

Don't be mad, don't be mean, be smug, be funny, laugh, be an asshole but not directly.

When I arrived at the appointed time, I assumed WW would be in the waiting area. The receptionist informed me that she was in with the MC. So I asked how long WW had been there. I was informed she had an individual session scheduled before our joint session and it would just be a couple more minutes. This did not sit well with me and I do not know why.

Can you do this? I didn't know you could have the same IC as MC... seems like an unfair advantage for your wife. I've feel a bit off knowing my wife had been talking about me ... telling her side of the story for an hour with a professional and then I join them. Seems like your wife got her goals out to the MC prior and is now waiting for the both of them to convince you. Great way to put you on edge right before the session.

Ok, go Zen read Hobbs post about questions and answers again. If you are going to do it get through it.

Once you get 50 posts you can post in the Investigative forum. Why not find out the next steps for getting the information from your wife's tablet? Be ready if she doesn't give you the passwords.

Freeme

Can you do this?

They did this.

I didn't know you could have the same IC as MC... seems like an unfair advantage for your wife. I've feel a bit off knowing my wife had been talking about me ... telling her side of the story for an hour with a professional and then I join them

It get's slimier.

I felt like I was not being heard during session and I asked MC for a session just between me and her. She said this would be unethical and recommended someone else.

Dude IC cant do MC

that is unethical

Look up this Counselor/Therapist Credentials?

Does she take insurance?

Cash pay?

I have seen licensed Therapist that do both Marriage and Individual, when wifey and I had a small stage of problems we went.

I went in first to do the IC thing when he recommended MC I was like cool "So I bring her in with me next week?" He said "No I need to refer you I can recommend some one because I have been working with you it is unfair for the couple as a pair"

Those were his words....

Wait - I want to make sure I read that correctly - the MC is seeing your WW privately. You ask, after feeling sand-bagged at YOUR first 'MC' session to see her privately - and she said THAT would be unethical?!?

What is her theory? I have already decided to hear only the WW privately, don't want to muddy the issue with YOUR side of the story?!?

How could the MC possibly explain what she is doing logically?

in the next session ho about recording it

you can say its so you can go over the points raised later.

It could just make them both think a little more carefully about what they are saying.

There is nothing preventing your WS from refusing to give you the passwords even if you endure 3 hours of gaslighting and rugsweeping by her IC. This could all be for nothing. Tell your WS you don't feel comfortable seeing her IC for MC and if she doesn't agree to two sessions with someone that you choose then you'll just file for D and won't need the passwords anymore. Take back control. No matter what, your daughters could end up siding with her even with evidence.

DG, you need to control your temper. Don't forget this is the mother of your children! She did you wrong and you are suffering. Either you stay or go you will have to deal with her. If you do not want to do MC don't do it. Ask your wife for passwords one last time and if you cannot get it then take it to a professional. Do not burn your bridges, you will suffer more at the end. Please, control your temper and good luck to you whatever decision you will make

DG,

Why don't you just get an IT guy to crack it for you???

Seriously you have an incessant unrelenting need to know, yet you do nothing to do it.

You know as well as I do after the 3rd session or even 4th 5th however along you play along with this charade she is not going to give it to you, and now she will have a Therapist who will Validate and Justify her reason for it.

You are angry, ill tempered, you are an oagre, oh Dear God imagine what he is capable of." see where I am going with this? She is the victim in fear of a potentially violent husband, and you cussing her out and calling her names in front of a thrid party that is very much on her side is giving them the ammo they need.

You are not helping your self, you are helping her and giving them even more reason to keep you out in the dark.

The therapists can rescind on their word, hell if she/he feels there is am imminent danger they may even notify the authorities.

You want to create that paper trail?

Let me tell you some honesty you are tying your own noose.

How do you know they are both purposely trying to get you on the record to act out, with rage so you can be written off as a looney??...

You are giving what they want.

You either want the truth or you don't.

You want the truth? take it to an IT guy and get it.

You DO NOT WANT the truth? Keep doing what you are doing, see how well it is working for you so far, you are playing a stupid and dangerous game..........

This is the last time I will post on your thread I wish you luck in your healing if that in fact is what you actually "want"

Actions speak louder than words

[This message edited by Igotthis at 3:32 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Of course it is unethical for an MC to do IC for one part, but in the real world every hour is a fee earner.

I would ask the MC if she recommends divorce or reconciliation. If she refuses to answer directly, ask her what advice she has when a husband places such importance on sexual fidelity and honesty.

Also, what does she see as the likelihood of an acrimonious divorce and permanent estrangement?

And now since your daughters have been drawn in, what does suggest you and WW do to prevent them taking sides.

Actually John321 does make one thing come to mind for me - if you are set with your plan of completing the 3 sessions to see if she keeps up her end of the deal, I would actually make a sincere effort to keep as cool as possible - no name calling, no anger - for the next 2 sessions.

If you don't, you make it VERY easy for the MC and your WW to say 'clearly you are not ready for the passwords, as you are still soooo angry'

Don't give them an easy out, think of it that way.

Although honestly, if it was me, I would just take Eric up on his offer and crack it...

[This message edited by jobin at 3:50 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Sorry this MC thing has knocked me for a loop. Your wife has got to be the most manipulative person in the world. Always a team against you.

Check the MC credentials...

If you see this MC again you need to ask why it's ethical for her to be both your WW IC and MC? That sounds seriously unethical to me.

I'd tell you to let the Manager at the Center know about your session and asking for a new Counselor ... problem is they would probably push back the date of your next session and your wife will want to start over with 3 more sessions with the new counselor...and... basically, you just want to get this over with.

Write own a list of questions that put the MC and/or your wife on the spot (like previous poster suggests) And whatever you do... do not lose your cool. They seem to be TRYING to make you Lose it.

Get it done.

A couple of thoughts:

1. I would make clear NOW to your WW that you felt ambushed by the last MC. Having a private meeting with MC before the two of you spoke to her simply was not acceptable, and let her know you will participate in anything similar again.

2. I would make clear to her that involving your children was unacceptable. Make clear to her that any conversation with the children on this matter should be done jointly.

I would tell her neither of these points as subject to debate. Period.

Clearly your MC is really you wife's IC. If it was truly MC, YOU would be allowed to have your own individual session, since your wife had hers. You need to call your MC out on this, and your wife. I wouldn't have any more sessions where it is unethical for you to be heard!

DG, I am that IT guy who can crack most anything an average household would be computing on. I can help you free of charge and more than willingly. I am comfortable giving instructions over email, texts or logon and control it for you. Whatever you are comfortable with. This can be over in 30 minutes.

don't want to t/j, but eric - I recently tried out a few programs (trial versions) for iphone recovery from an iphone backup...

I noticed some seemed to recover more than others (or was I crazy?)

Do you have any opinions/thoughts on these programs?

Eric1 is the #1 dude of the day!

DG

Eric 1 is the "white knight" here.

let him end this bull shit for you once and for all.

DoneGone,

I think you should just follow Eric's instructions and get the information you need in order to better recognize when you are being gaslighted and manipulated.

Do not even let your WW, or especially any third parties like the MC or your daughters, know you have the details necessary to fact check or analyze what your are being told.

And as far as speaking to your WW and the MC....you need more emotional control.

What I mean is this.

At the Naval Academy and as an officer in the Navy, I went through A LOT of combat training.

I specifically remember my instructors always stressing the enormous emotional strain of combat situations....immense fear of course, but also to be prepared for almost uncontrollable rage as you watched your men die or fall wounded.

Their warning was that you HAD to maintain your logical thought process in the midst of this emotional maelstrom in order to succeed.

Allowing your decisions to be dictated by your emotions was a certain path to defeat and destruction.

I mention this, because I often see the similarities between combat and dealing with the severe emotional fallout of infidelity....BOTH are situations of damn near uncontrollable emotions.

When you described how you immediately snapped at and reacted to your perception of the MC's tone and demeanor in just greeting you, and proceeded to lash out with vicious comments about the WW right off the bat.....my reaction was:

"Damn...DoneGone just played right into his WW's hands. He just reinforced every bullshit piece of blameshifting and gaslighting that his WW has been feeding to everyone, daughters and neighbors as well, about the situation."

And right on cue, the MC immediately fell instep with her 'spin'.

If you had instead remained absolutely logical and calm, despite the great emotional turmoil you are in, you would have started to unravel your WW's little web of lies.

The disparity between your WW's story and what her eyes and ears were telling her would have probably led the MC to be more open to what you were trying to communicate.

Instead, she just fell into step with your WW's story because your FIRST statement and act reinforced the bullshit the WW has been spinning.

You HAVE to keep your head going forward....calm and logical DESPITE the anguish and turmoil you are in.