SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hurt,

yes I did post the above thing but only because I am in your corner and I think your path is not the wisest. I would be remiss in being a cheerleader for you just to be a cheerleader for you. That would be disingenuous.

None-the-less, it seems like you have your mind set on the path you choose and you know many things that we don't here both about yourself and about her so I will exit stage left from this thread only wishing you the best of luck from here on out

Just to chime in, I feel you are doing just fine. No one's heart or head moves the same as others. But you are also not sitting back and getting over depressed or sitting alone or taking no action about working on yourself. Your action is to get out there, be with people again, re enforce friendships and you also had a job loss in there which could have thrown many people right over the edge. You were able to secure a new job and make sure that you will have health insurance for those kids very soon with the new job and to get a bump in pay, all of that is HUGE. Kudos to you for all of that! Congrats!

Keep working on you and building yourself and your life back up. The day that your feelings change or shift or move about your wife will come with time. You are not there yet and we all never know how we will feel 1 day more or less 6 mos. from now. I think you are being pretty smart about how you are handling all of this and I hope you find great happiness in the very near future.

I think what we (hopefully) learn from being a BS is that we must value ourselves above all else.

Any decision we make, D or R, we know we are not going to endure the abusive bullshit any more.

So, whatever comes down the pike, you are strong enough to value YOU.

The day at the beach sounds wonderful.

We are in central Pa, but someday I'd love to make the time to visit Michigan. Seems like an amazing road trip to look forward to.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I really do appreciate the feedback. To address some of the ideas and concerns brought up:

1) I don't agree with Eric that dating is a good idea. I actually tried one date a few weeks back and felt terrible about it the entire time and could not enjoy myself. To make it worse, the woman was very nice and I could tell she was interested. I finally explained to her that I just wasn't ready yet and she was cool about it. But I won't do that to another person. It's not fair to use people as emotional band-aids to help yourself feel better. That would make me no better than my poor, lost WW.

2) Western, I value any and all input, whether I agree or not. Thank you for chiming in and please feel free to post to my thread at any point. My situation is very fluid and how I feel today may not be how I feel tomorrow. But for now, I am committed to being patient and hoping that somewhere inside that selfish person who looks like my W is the core of who I married. I am honoring my vows and taking a stand for my marriage and my family. That doesn't mean I allow myself to become a doormat for her needs, or that I sit around wallowing in depression. I am starting to live life again, and will keep improving myself at every opportunity. If my WW at some point should take notice and realize that she would like to be along for the ride, then I'll have a big decision to make. Until then I feel no urgency to make big moves.

Finally, as a quick update, I hadn't heard from WW all weekend, until she texts this morning asking what time we got back last night. Seemed like a funny question so I dodged a bit and told her not late. She persisted and I finally asked why she wanted to know. I suspect she's probably keeping her own logs about what goes on, and my S16 was home alone for the day. Recall that he's autistic. So I simply said I called and checked on him a few times during the day and he was fine.

Then she went on to ask how her sister was, and the venom started spewing. She thinks that I'm somehow in cahoots with her entire family to trash talk her. At one point, she said you can have my family for Christmas too, enjoy. I have nobody, thanks.

No idea where she gets these ideas but I get the impression she's really struggling with everything. I was nice, calm, reasonable throughout the text exchange and told her that there's no reason her family has to pick sides and we could all get along fine if she wanted. Pretty much ended there. Thought about calling but then figured what's the point. It's like trying to argue with a child. She only sees things through her own selfish lens right now. I'll let her just stew in it and get on with my day. I'm not riding along on her emotional coaster anymore - mine is bad enough.

You handled it really well, nice job!

Borderline Personality Disorder? She's on a tough, ultimately lonely road.

Keep being the rock for your children. They will need you!

Strength brother

I'll let her just stew in it and get on with my day. I'm not riding along on her emotional coaster anymore - mine is bad enough.

Do not let her stew in anything. Disconnect the hose, as you called it, the emotional coaster..or crazy simply put.

Imagine one of those fire truck hose flailing wildly spraying water everywhere. Your WW, took you on this crazy ride, even now as you try to extricate yourself and return your life to some sort of normalcy, she sees that and spouts her nonsense.

Your goal is to disconnect from her crazy, live your life. She cannot touch you on a moral high ground stand point and as now while she feels shitty, family obviously displeased by her actions she'll look towards the one person she can rely on to get her ego kibbles, by whatever means necessary. You.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when she starting spewing, simply say goodbye and cut the call off. Things like making her pay, letting her stew, etc etc leave that to the side. Focus on yourself, your kids.

Good luck

Do not let her stew in anything. Disconnect the hose, as you called it, the emotional coaster..or crazy simply put.

I think you misunderstood my meaning. By "stew in it", I didn't mean I was trying to be mean or get some perverse pleasure out of her suffering. I meant I chose to simply disengage and not pursuit the matter any further. Although I have to admit sometimes I do enjoy when she's suffering. I guess it's natural and part of the process.

So about an hour after that all went down, she sends another text asking if I had plans. We exchanged a couple of TMs, then she called and we ended up working out a deal for her to pick up my 2 youngest boys and take them shopping for school backpacks. It was something I had planned on doing anyway, and it actually freed up some of my day to get some things caught up around the house.

She showed up, we exchanged some polite conversation about the plans for the first week of school, and she left. No drama, all very pleasant. I was calm and happy as can be. She seemed sort of stressed the entire time, which is pretty typical of the last couple of weeks. Every time I see her she looks that way. My oldest says the same when he spends time with her. Never looks relaxed or happy.

Anyway, after she left, I got about my day and didn't think about it anymore. I really do feel like I'm starting to detach enough that she's not on my mind every minute of every day. Honestly, I don't think I would want to live with her right now, in her state of mind. I'm sure the boyfriend is having a great time dealing with all the stress.

just hang in there Hurt. Do what is best for you

Whatever you do, don't be the doormat

[This message edited by Western at 6:25 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

Good updates!

I went to Lake Michigan this summer. We went in three cars. I got to drive four teenagers. My daughter, a niece and the kids of two cousins.

We got lost near Traverse City and tried to take a short cut back to the another highway but ended up on a county road that literally became a sand dune. A quarter way up a hill I knew could climb, I had to order them all out to push. If we had spun the tires in the sand, we would have gotten stuck.

But the area is so beautiful I didn't feel stressed. Summer is great.

Sorry for the thread jack.

Your life post D will probably be better.

I am sad to say that the stress that your WW is going through may cause brain damage. I realize that sounds extreme, but her erratic behavior is partly explicable as poor brain function. She can get better, too but she probably won't every make it back to her best.

You need to keep detaching but I understand your willingness to be there for her at some level.

OM is probably dysfunctional. He thought he was getting regular pussy but the cost is too high. Even if he is such a mess that they settle for each other, she is not going to do well.

You might calmly ask her if she wants to see doctor. Do you think she needs to be hospitalized?

The longer she spins her wheels the sand, the harder it's going to be to get out.

I am sad to say that the stress that your WW is going through may cause brain damage. I realize that sounds extreme, but her erratic behavior is partly explicable as poor brain function. She can get better, too but she probably won't every make it back to her best.

You need to keep detaching but I understand your willingness to be there for her at some level.

OM is probably dysfunctional. He thought he was getting regular pussy but the cost is too high. Even if he is such a mess that they settle for each other, she is not going to do well.

You might calmly ask her if she wants to see doctor. Do you think she needs to be hospitalized?

The longer she spins her wheels the sand, the harder it's going to be to get out.

Wow, brain damage? Never heard that before but it makes as much sense as anything else. I asked her months ago if she would be willing to see a therapist. Even offered to track one down for her and pay for it. This was at a time she was regularly threatening suicide. She declined. I think she's worried about how it will look in front of a judge for deciding custody, and I also think she doesn't really believe she has a problem. Nothing much I can do until she wants to help herself.

I'm doing pretty well on detachment, and don't let her impact my moods nearly as much as a few weeks ago. Not all the way there yet but a lot further down the road than before. Regarding OM, I don't think he's just after a good lay. His own wife walked out on him for his brother. The dude is seriously messed up in the head, and he wanted someone so that he didn't feel lonely. I understand the compulsion to want someone around after being married for a long time. He clearly wasn't thinking straight, and I don't believe he is yet. At some point, he's gonna wake up, or she will, and it's gonna all come crashing down. Probably within the next year, but who knows. I agree that even if they settle for each other, neither is going to be very happy. It makes me sad but I'm not going to let her sink me in her mess of a life. I'm staying strong for my kids, and going to make sure we all come out of this better than ever.

Just quick update on life. Had a huge storm roll through earlier. It dumped on us so fast that my son's bedroom in the basement flooded. Plus the power went out. We finally got the power back after about 3 hours so now am working on sucking all the water out of the carpet with a steam cleaner. After that, I get to make lunches and get outfits ready for the kids to have 1st day of school tomorrow. Wow. I thought life was hard with 4 kids when there were 2 parents in the house. This single dad stuff is going to take some adjusting. I'll make it, but whew! What a night.

Crazy night HnA.

But you made it as a single parent.

And honestly you are correct. You would not want her around right now.

Keep being you.

HM

So very busy night last night, between cleaning up the flooding basement mess, and trying to get kids ready for first day of school. Got a few hours of sleep, up at 6:30am, and another 2 hours of busy getting all the kids out the door. Finally got them all to where they need to be and made it into work.

Kids ended up having a good first day, and WW came to check on them this afternoon. She didn't stay long but texted me that they were fine. I'm out to a bar doing a Fantasy Football draft with my brother and some friends. After this, home to make dinner and get ready to do everything over again tomorrow. I can tell it's gonna be a busy schedule with basically being a single parent. It's nice because I don't have a lot of free time to sit and think. But sure would be nice to have a helping hand. But I wouldn't trade with WW. Some day she's gonna regret this lost time with the kids that can never be replaced. And they're going to remember who stood by their side through thick and think, and who bailed out to live like a college kid.

So, I walk in from work tonight and my oldest hands me his cell. It's WW saying that she has to cancel plans with the kids tonight. Poor OM is sick and getting sent home from work. Don't ask me why that suddenly means WW can't still take kids but I didn't even argue. Just said thanks for letting me know.

Now she "might" be able to take them tomor night, but you know there's a chance she may be playing darts, so IF that doesn't work out, then she'll have them tomor night as a makeup. She's really on track for mother of the year. It put me in a bad mood having to deal with that right after getting home. And I'm actually glad to have the kids stay with me, but just dealing with WW and her messed up priorities is painful.

The more time goes on and more of this type of behavior I see, I really am starting to believe that I'm done. I haven't given up 100% yet, but I'm getting very close. Reading online about similar situations with a WW with years of history and multiple OM, the outcomes rarely turn out well. Usually there are several false reconciliations until the poor guy finally throws in the towel. My WW has severe mental/emotional issues that are likely to take years of therapy to resolve. That's assuming that she ever reaches a point where she realizes that her problems are internal and is willing to do the work.

On top of that, I question whether I could ever truly trust her completely again. I would likely have to seek therapy myself to help cope with the betrayal and rebuild trust. I am starting to see what a long, difficult road it would be to R with WW. In an ideal world, I would love to be a family again. Just starting to doubt that it's really possible. I'll continue on with my plans for now, and patiently waiting for some sign, any sign of WW waking up. But I'm more convinced every day that I will be filing some time soon in 2016.

So enough of that talk. It helped my mood just venting about it. Now I'm off to hit the gym, run a couple of miles, and grab some dinner for kids. Probably spend the night catching up on housework, as I'm sadly behind from the busy start to school. I'll try to catch up on some other threads and post to them later.

Good update, glad to hear you're continuing to be strong!

I think you can now see what I mean by brain damage. Of course there may not be some clinical diagnosis. You go for a run to take care of your body, including the control and command center. That gives you a positive physical reset.

Your WW is repeating behaviors that lead to stress. Does that lead to actual physical changes in neural connections? I'll be that it does.

HurtnAlone

I have read all your posts in this thread and you are doing a great job.

You are right about single parenting, it is hard - I have 3 - but as you said as the other parent gets on with their "freedom" one day the children will look back and just know who gave them their time and nurtured them to become sensible, rounded adults.

That will be us, my friend, the single parents of this world. Hooray for that.

I think you are on the way to filing even as you type. I also don't think you will regret it, especially when a couple of years have past and you can look back and think.... really???

Hooray for you and your actions so far.

Your children are lucky to have such a devoted father.

Thanks guys. I'm doing my best in a very difficult situation. I really have become a better father through all of this, and can see it in how my boys react to me. It's taken me 6 months, but I do believe I have reached a point where I'm detaching from WW. I no longer hold onto hope that maybe she will come around or we can work it out. She would have to come to me begging and pleading, truly sorry, and then meet a whole list of demands for me to even consider being with her again. And even that door is gradually closing. I'm taking it slow but believe I will be ready to go ahead with filing in the next few months. It's a sad end to a very long chapter of my life, but hoping there are many good times ahead.

She would have to come to me begging and pleading, truly sorry

After a time, you may become indifferent to this as well. I did.

You have your head in the right place, and you seem to be making all the right moves for all the right reasons. You are one of the good guys and your kids are lucky to have you. You may not be thinking about it now, but there are millions of good women out there who would like to have a guy like you too.

Keep posting.

After a time, you may become indifferent to this as well. I did.

You have your head in the right place, and you seem to be making all the right moves for all the right reasons. You are one of the good guys and your kids are lucky to have you. You may not be thinking about it now, but there are millions of good women out there who would like to have a guy like you too.

Well, my hope is to become indifferent to her. That's the only way to really move on. And I do some day hope to be in a loving, caring relationship again. I feel I really did have that with WW for several years, but something broke inside her and not sure she'll ever be the same. I'm in no rush but I certainly don't want to spend the next 30-40 years alone. There is comfort in having that one special person to share life with. Hopefully all of us that have been through this nightmare can have the same. We certainly deserve it.