SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just had to post a quick update. It was WW's night to have kids, and as usual, only my 18 and 8 year old went over. The 2 special needs boys in the middle rarely go. My oldest said WW seemed to be in a bad mood most of the night, which is pretty typical of her lately. She constantly seems stressed or angry about something. So, because of her mood, my S8 decided he didn't want to stay with her overnight, and he's now back home with me.

I guess she told him this was the last time he got to choose to come home on a Friday night. I just had to smile when I saw him walk in. I'm happy to have him here with me, plus I get a perverse pleasure out of knowing that WW didn't get her way. I know it hurts her that the boys nearly always prefer to be with me over her. It's sort of sad, but the kids can see things almost as clearly as anyone else. She's acting like a crazy person and they don't really like spending time with her, more than the 3-4 hours a couple of times every week.

I'm going to make sure those kids have a great life regardless, and all of these nights that WW willingly gives up is going to help me in the eventual custody settlement. Maybe the reality of what that's going to end up looking like will help her pull her head out of her rear and realize what crappy choices she has made. If not, then I'll just have to be twice the father, but I'm not worried about it. Those boys are my life and #1 priority and I know we are all going to be just fine, with or w/o a crazy WW.

Hang in there! You are doing great so far. It sounds as if you are going to be the rock for your kids but you can do it!

HurtnAlone, those wonderful kids are all that counts. I avoided all responsibility and relationships for years. Till in 2004 my sister had a baby, and her and her husband couldn't care for him. Wasn't my problem!!! But my parents reached out to me, so I took him in. By the time she gave birth to his brother in 2010, he was MY SON. I took the second baby also the month he was born. This man that had been hated, humiliated, and scorned, had 2 adoring son's. So I know how much feeling you have for your children. This is where our stories separate. Those children are yours, you have rights! I don't! When my sister ran off with her lover, I had no rights. She took the boy's and there was nothing I could do. Now she lives 2 states away. I speak to them daily. Be glad you have rights to your children. She gets the kids this year for thanksgiving and Christmas. They want to spend them with me. She told me she needs a car for a few months. So, God help me, I went to my 71 year old parents, and they loaned her their car so we can see the boys. Life can be hell. Enjoy your children.

Thanks for the support! Everyone here is awesome. I slept great but woke up feeling sort of depressed. After couple hours I'm bouncing around between anger and betrayal. I hate the roller coaster. Seems like it will never end. Noticed I am leaning a lot more towards anger lately, so guess that's progress at least. Planning to take the kids to a movie this afternoon, then off to grandma's house, where she's making us all dinner. Haven't seen my mom in a couple of weeks so will be nice to catch up.

Hope everyone out there struggling today can pull through and get at least a little relief. Sending a big virtual hug to anyone who needs it.

Had a pretty good day yesterday. Took the kids to an afternoon show then down to visit grandma, where she made us lasagna and strawberry cake for desert. It was delicious. Plus, my sister showed up so got to chat with her as well; enjoyed myself.

Sent a TM to WW before leaving, since she throws a stink if I leave town with the kids and don't tell her; not sure why, but I decided to avoid drama and give her the update. She thanked me, and ended up bringing over dinner to my 16-year-old since he was home alone. I would have brought him some leftover from grandma but would have been a little late, so I didn't mind her doing that. But when I got home, could tell she had been rummaging through stuff again. I'm really getting sick of that. No I feel like her bringing dinner over was just an excuse to get in the house and dig through stuff. We've had multiple discussions about her not taking things out when I'm gone and she continues to ignore. Really not sure what else to do about it, except set up some hidden cameras and try to catch her on film taking stuff.

I replaced the outer locks a while ago and always make sure doors are locked up before I leave but the kids will let her in if they are here. Anyone ever have to deal with this kind of thing? I'm thinking I may have to get mean about it and threaten to call the police if she keeps it up. I've got no problem with her coming in when I'm home and going through stuff, but I need to know about and have a say in what walks out the door. She seems to want to rummage through everything w/o me around, and I don't trust her at all.

Having a hard time this afternoon. Overall, I feel like I'm doing well, detaching from WW, and accepting that my M is over. But I still have those times where I think about how it was, and really start feeling down. Right now kids are over with her at a BBQ and I'm home alone doing laundry. Just one of those "how did I end up here" moments.

I know that it's all part of the process but just felt like venting to someone. Maybe if I'm lucky the kids will come home and tell me what a bad mood WW was in. Seems to be at least once a week she's having a crap day, and I always cheer up hearing it. I know it shouldn't matter, and I look forward to the day I can say meh, oh well. But for now, I enjoy her suffering, and still don't think it holds a candle to what I've been through the past few months.

Think I'll go down to my local clubhouse and look for a couple of familiar faces, just to ease the loneliness. Sending strength to anyone out there today struggling like me.

Thanks for the updates. Like you said, it's all part of the process and you have to weather the storms as they come. Eventually the process will enter a much better phase for you. In the meantime, try to take care of yourself and the kids as best as you can.

I'm glad venting helps, so I encourage you to went wherever you feel like it, don't hold back (within the rules of SI.com).

Best wishes

So I did go down to that clubhouse last night and had a beer, hung out with some friends. It really helped my mood. But kids got home and I heard what a great mood she was in, so boo. Can never tell with her - seems to constantly hinge on how well it's going with OM. Oh, and bonus news, I hear that OM is transitioning from 2nd shift to 1st shift soon, so he'll be home every day around 5-6pm instead of the late nights.

Oh joy. So now when my kids go over, they get to deal with that. The one thing I was happy about is that when kids were over they didn't have to see him because he was working. And that also means I'm sure the nights will once again be filled up with non-stop social activities involving OM and his pals. Life is just grand.

I'm really doing my best to quit worrying about WW, but feels like I'm constantly munching on shit sandwiches while she lives it up. I'm so ready to be done with this phase of my life. Just gotta keep moving ahead and wait for time to do it's thing.

HnA

Patience. Your time will come.

Be grateful for your time with the kids.

Someday she will be eating shit sandwiches and you will know her time has come.

HM

Thanks Happy. My sis just said the same thing tonight. Patience. The sparkly new affair is going to get old and boring in a year or two. I will have completely moved on, maybe even be with someone who actually cares about me by then. Financially doing better than ever. While poor WW struggles in her double-wide trailer and boring old relationship to OM. Knowing her, she'll be shopping for her next victim by that point, looking for the next escape route to another pink cloud. Just sucks going through this. Need a fast forward button for life.

Hurt,

You got your emplotment situation stabilized and in time your social life will stabilize. You ARE moving forward, and hopefully some time in the relatively near future you will not care how wide the trailer she is living in is.

Stay focused on yourself, keep detaching, and you will get through this.

Ok, a couple of things....I never cease to be amazed at the mothers that leave and choose a man over their children. I cannot even imagine. It is a clear view into the character of the mother. Having said that...

You have to stop letting your mood be determined by if she is happy or not. At some pint you have to say enough is enough and let it go. Of course you will become sad and angry at times, but to constantly monitor her moods and how her life is going and then let it affect you has to be exhausting and very nonproductive. Please stop giving her so much power.

I am beyond impressed with your commitment as a father and how you have handled this. Please stop letting her have this hold over your happiness. She honestly does not seem at all worth it. What you thought you had with her is not only over, it was a fantasy. She chose another man over her family. She is not worth or any more of your attention accept to try and let your children have somewhat of a relationship with her. Don't let your children see you enjoy her hardships. Rise above all that and move on from her.

HurtnAlone

You are being such a great father to your children. I would suggest as gently as possible to try and think of your life with them now and try and not let how your WW is get to you so much.

I know first hand how hard this is. 3 years down the line I have my exWH telling me how "tired" he is when our 3 children live with me and my days start when they get up and end when they go to sleep. It's not easy. But I wouldn't changing it as my kids are my world.

I'm still not entirely at "meh". I feel upset internally when exWH is away on yet another foreign trip, eating out regularly, and I am working all hours (from home, luckily) to keep my bills paid and children fed. Yet still it does get easier with each week/month that passes.

It's a really challenge to shut off allowing them to irritate you but I do think that would do you (and me actually) the world of good.

Good luck.

[This message edited by CallMeRed1 at 3:44 AM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Need a fast forward button for life.

Hurt, I hear you.

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm doing my best as a father, and do feel like I've greatly improved in the past few months. My kids really are the focus of my life right now. I simply can't imagine how a parent walks away from that responsibility, and pure joy.

So I feel like I've had a major shift in my thinking over the past couple of days. No idea what triggered it, but I really am starting to accept the idea that my marriage is over, and that I am not going to be with WW. Every time I think about taking her back lately, I immediately remember all the lies and deception, the constant "girl's night out" nights, and her detached, distracted mindset even was she was here. I was not very happy for a long time, and have no desire to go back to that life.

Even being alone now, I find that I am feeling much more content and settling into my new routine. Honestly, I believe WW has major issues which are going to take a LOT of professional therapy to resolve and I don't see her ever doing it. I look back at the past few years at her history, and know that the OM she is with now is going to become routine and boring soon enough. Then she will be looking for the next fix, and I have no interest in being Plan B. I'm getting comfortable with this new life, making new friends, trying new things, and no longer feel that I need to be a couple to be complete. Certainly I hope to some day have that again, but I'm in no rush, and happy for now to focus on my kids, great family and friends.

So half way through the week, and in spite of waking up with a cold this morning, still feeling overall pretty positive. I really do appreciate all the great feedback and support I get here. Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

That's an awesome update, so glad to hear your progress! Keep it, man, and bro-hugs! Best wishes

Keep up the good fight.

Your poor WW was probably always broken, you protected her almost by second nature.

She never stopped loving you but as you have discovered her neediness has expanded. How many therapists would you need to toss in to begin fill the hole?

It's almost like some sort of chemical reaction. Male attention will turn the cloud pink, and she'll fly around in it and get, until it's oxidized or whatever expends it.

It's really tragic.

Some cheaters radiate malice but your WW is just broken. All the days she not taken care of her own children. It's like her mind is scattered across the universe. Nobody can pick it up. Her self confidence is now close to zero.

It's a good thing you've accepted this reality.

LongWalk, thanks for the post. Sadly, I have to agree with your assessment. I saw WW for the first time tonight in over 2 weeks. She was picking up my youngest and taking him to dinner. We had some polite conversation, and she seemed happy and relaxed for a change. Past few times I've seen her she was stressed and in a hurry. Who knows - I can only assume things are going well in fantasy world at the moment. I'm sure it won't last long until more drama unfolds. So she had S8 a grand total of 2 hours, then brought him back home, sat in the driveway for a minute (probably texting friends or OM, as she always does), then off to the bar, or wherever she was going next. Honestly, I don't care and was happy she didn't come back into the house again.

As I've thought about it over the past few months, I do think she has probably always been broken in a way. She always had low self-esteem, and grew up with an abusive father, until he divorced her mother and moved away when she was 5. I know that her father physically abused her mom, and sexually abused her sister. I suspect that it's possible WW was abused as well and has blocked it out of her mind, since she doesn't recall anything bad happening. Her mom ended up marrying again, and while her step-dad is a really nice guy, he was never emotional. WW strived for years to have a good relationship with him, and still does to this day, but it never happened. I'm not sure he ever really considered her "his" child.

Anyway, as you can see, there's a lot of potential FOO stuff going on, and who knows what else in terms of anger and resentment towards me because I didn't satisfy her constantly evolving emotional needs. Of course, none of the previous OM she was involved with were able to fill the role more than a couple of years either, so yeah, she needs a LOT of work. And that's assuming she even reaches a point where she realizes and accepts that it's her who needs the work, and quits blaming everyone else in her life.

Honestly, as this point, I don't see her ever coming to that conclusion. I see a woman who is going to hop from one pink cloud to the next every 2-3 years in constant search of her "soulmate". When her looks and health start to fade and she can no longer attract men, she'll end up settling for the last guy who will put up with her, or possibly end up bitter and alone, with a distant, strained relationship with her kids.

It's really sad, but I've given up on the hope that I can save her. I don't even want her anymore - she has become a person I don't like. I just miss the idea of a loving partner. I'm sure I will find that again some day, but for now I'm enjoying being a great father, getting comfortable with a new job, and making new friends. The rest will come in time.

You did the best anyone could do.

Getting caught on film with OM1 was an event that she failed to understand. That should have been a wake up call. The truth about that was eventually going to reach you. She refused to face the consequences then and so many of her consequent bad decisions were an effort to escape sitting down with someone she trusted and reasoning things out.

Only a really good therapist or profoundly wise pastor would have any chance of getting her to face up to the mess.

Alcohol has not been her friend either. If she went to AA, it might help.

Lake Michigan will always be there for you... Well, it'll be there as long as California doesn't sneak it pipes into it.

You should be able to find a new woman. You'll have to be careful but eventually you'll meet one who will perceive just how strong you are. The key will be finding someone who does not have a co-dependent need.

I mean we all do. But its wrong to think you can find a partner and then toss all your troubles their way. If that's the motive going into the relationship, then failure is likely.

HnA

It is not your job to save her.

She fired you.

At anytime in your marriage she could have asked you for help or support. Instead she chose to lie, cheat and self medicate.

So stop analyzing her and just say a prayer for her that one day she will be able to love herself, respect herself and become a good coparent someday.

At this time that is all she deserves from you.

HM