SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't believe that your WW is confused for one second by your lack of response to her. She knows exactly why you are not talking to her. She made her choice to stay overnight with POSOM yet again. It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that openly engaging in an affair with POSOM while treating you and your marriage as a revolving door is a marriage ender. At this point, you are nothing more to her than a guy who raises and takes care of her son while she's off playing someone else's girlfriend every weekend as well as the crash pad for her to stay at during the week so she doesn't have to drive two hours each way to work. You deserve better than that.

Your WW does not deserve an explanation because all that it will turn into is her making excuses for her poor behavior while blaming it all on you. It will also give her an audience for her continued lies while opening the door for her to make stuff up about you. It's best to let the lawyer handle any further communication with her from this point forward. There is no issue of child support or visitation to deal with so there is really nothing to talk to her about that the lawyer can not handle.

I hope the meeting goes well.

It makes me so sad to know your son is so angry. I'm sure we all wish he knew the whole story because ultimately it's his mom who completely destroyed the family. WW didn't care about anyone but her and OM. Didn't care about her H, her DS..... No one.

You aired your dirty laundry on Facebook..... So what? I know you deleted it and it was done in the heat of the moment but it was the truth. I hope she's embarrassed by it!

I'm sorry for what you are going through. You are still young! You still have the opportunity to start over and find yourself. Your son will eventually come to terms and you will get the opportunity to keep being an amazing father to him. I admire you so much for loving him like your own. There's not a lot of men out there like that.

Good for you for continuing to give her the silent treatment. She KNEW the consequences. I mean seriously.... Who goes to break up face to face for the WEEKEND!? That is just wrong on so many levels.

Stay strong.

I'm leaning towards the $2500 option. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of trying to stack the deck in my favor.

50/50 is not good enough. She should lose as much as she can. And I'm not going to lie, again with the Dark Side... she loves that car more than life. It'd be my pleasure to rob her of it and leave her with my crappy little Focus.

Oh! He also said I can try to get custody of the dog. Not sure I want to do that though. I LOVE our dog. He's so sweet. But, he's always been "mommy's dog" so I don't know if he'll be able to get through never seeing her again. I think it might send him into depression. I'd love to take that one more thing from her, but, I love my dog enough to not want to hurt him.

He'll miss me far less than he'll miss her.

Hi UAB,

*raising hand from the back of the room*

Betrayed child here. I was 16 when I found out about my mother's affair. The A started at least a year before I discovered it and went off and on for another 5 years that I know about.

Mind if I throw some suggestions out for your step son? Right now your step son feels like he has no control over the situation that he if forced to eat the shit that is shoveled down his throat right now. BTDT myself from his perspective. What he doesn't understand is that it's not dissimilar to the shit sandwich that you have been forced to eat.

I definitely encourage talking to him if you can. Ultimately he may not want to talk and you have to be ready for that. That said, there are certain things that you can do/say that will hopefully get him to talk to you. First, when you do speak with him, talk with him. Not at him. Let him know that his thoughts and feelings matter to you. He's going to be quick to snap back but press on. Let him express his thought and opinions. Let him know that what he thinks matters and that going forward you want him involved in your life and that you can make decisions together on how to go about doing just that.

But as far as his mother goes, you have to get out of infidelity and that you cannot tolerate the level of disrespect and be used as a doormat. That you are moving on with your life and that you very much want him to be a part of it. I guarantee that he feels rejected by you on some level. As a kid/young adult, it's also hard to not want to take blame and point the finger at himself. Ask him about that. He's looking for reassurance from you and he's not getting it. Though understandable given your circumstances at the moment.

Explain to him that his mother is going to try and get at you by using him if the two of you maintain a relationship. My mother did this in nasty ways. That even though his mother may use him, that you never will and that you will never ask about his mother or use him to relay messages. That you don't with his mother any ill will, but that his relationship with his mother is between the two of them and that you want no part of getting involved between the two of them. That he is an adult now dealing with an adult situation and that you are going to treat him that way. That you respect his feeling and his opinions, but that ultimately you have to do what is best for yourself so that you can live a mentally healthier life. That hopefully includes your step son.

My father never trashed talked my mother to me. Not once. Not ever. He would very rarely ask how she was doing in a polite sort of way, but he never got me involved at any point during or after the divorce. My mother on the other hand was hell on wheels. Trashing my father to this day. Constantly trying to get me involved in stuff. Making a spectacle at my wedding. It's taken me a long time but I have finally gone NC with my mother as well as she is just too toxic for my well being.

Anyway, I hope this help with your sitch with your step son. Talk with him frequently and honestly if you can. If he tried to shut you out, let him know that you are not giving up on a relationship with him.

yop

UnlovedAndBroked,

It's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OK to be angry beyond comprehension. No matter what emotions you have my strong suggestion is to embrace them. If you hide emotions or try to change how you are you can prolong your healing. What's important now is YOU.

1. No Contact WILL heal you faster than any other method known to man. Don't respond. She'll play games with you to get you out of it, because she's interested in her, not you

2. You can be angry, but you are still a good person. By being No Contact, you can settle your emotions. Like it or not, she is still the mother of the child that you love. Treating her poorly will NOT make you feel better. Stay away from her and you cannot hurt her or you. No matter what she's done to you, you are still you, and YOU treat everyone with the respect that you would like to receive in return. She cannot and will not be allowed to take this away from you!!!

3. Allowing yourself to be angry is better than sitting around being depressed. Funnel your emotions into this emotion and use it to find a calm place. The worst feeling (as many here can probably attest to) is feeling...nothing. You have something to build on. You are NOT a bad person. She made you angry, and if this doesn't make you angry what really would?

In short, you are in control of your life. If you want to be angry, then be angry. Don't let her dictate that part of your life. That life is gone.

And Unloved, go for EVERYTHING. In business you negotiate down. Ask for everything, as that's what she'll be doing. If you end up with custody of the dog, and at that point you don't think that it is right, then worry about it. But at this precise moment in time the dog just represents a bullet point to be negotiated.

I like how your attorney sounds. Clear and concise and to the point. Thats what you need.

I went totally dark on my then WS, I had to, he was very much like your WS, would waffle yet still want to stay at the house, then tell me he wanted to get his own place, etc....I told him to leave and then I went totally NC with him, I was SO mad. It helped me get thru the first few weeks. You will still be sad but it helps to not hear or listen to their dysfunction, it frees up your brain to only think about you and what you want. That part for me was wonderful. I felt it right away. No more drama, no more lying and no more manipulation. It was a relief to me to have him out of the house at that time.

I hope you find that same feeling.

Agree with Eric1 above don't show your hand about the dog. She might feel she won if you got the car and she got the dog...

$2,500 and you likely get $1,800 back, she gets most of the debt?

Did he give you any idea how long the process would take for the 2,500 deal?

If I go down the all-out warpath, he said it can take between 6-8 months if she really drags it out.

Alright. I just transferred half the balance of the bank account out from under her.

Let's see how she reacts to that one.

you said you have a low asset base and don't own your own place.

She should lose most, you are right. Most of 'not much' is still 'not much'. If we are talking big bucks, alimony etc.., which I don't think we are, go the fastest route and curb her cheating ass. If there's more assets in play than we realize, g the war route and defeat her decisively.

You could always take her the war route to embarrass her and I am all for that. However, it will be a longer and more expensive process.

Think with your mind on this one.

You are doing well. Keep up the good work. Let us know how it's going and stay NC with her.

Attorney here.

I counsel peace. Quicker faster cheaper with less chance of protected arguments which carry with them a significant emotional cost.

I understand why you want the other option, but I have to tell you it is unlikely to be worth it.

A word of caution. I am a lawyer. I do not practice divorce law and I am in a large city (which typically means higher fees than smaller towns) -- so maybe what I am about to say is incorrect where you live. Those fees seem extraordinarily low to me. Please make sure you understand exactly what they cover and if they are truly a complete representation to and including the very end of the divorce case.

Also understand if you go the contested/infidelity route, your WW (undoubtedly with encouragement from POS), might decide to make this a drawn out war.. Typically that can escalate fees tremendously. So, again, just make sure you have a clear understanding with the lawyer about fees if you go that route.

IMHO you should go for everything, then once she have an idea of what she can lose make her a proposal droping some stuff to speed up the whole process.

Also I believe you should let her taste the worae scenario just for herto taste a bit of her new reality.

One question, one you decide the path, how is it going to go? Are you getting her served or would ask her to sign in a amicable way? I think one option is much more expensive than other.

Also, depending on the state you live, you can sue OM.

Good luck

Well, the lawyer is giving me a break because my brother has been a great client of his for years.

He's helping my brother sue for adoption of his step daughter. Her dad is even worse than my kid's bio dad. He up and ran the hell away.

But, this lawyer managed to find him and get him served. Looks like termination of rights is coming and my brother will soon be my little niece's legal father. I'm so happy for them. She's a great little girl and he's a good father to her. (Guess it runs in the family?)

Anyway, I think I want to just go no-fault and get this crap over with.

She just destroyed your future, your life expectations.. she should pay for that.

Also, if she felt out of love with you long time ago, it means he has being using you to take care of her son until finishing school.

She was using you!!!!

If fees are clear and there is a good chance, go for everything. You can negotiate later.

Don't forget that she is most likely still in contact with POSOM and getting plenty of D advice from him since he has been divorced twice. I wouldn't be surprised if you got another text from him. Go for the second one. She will because she will have the OM behind her and HE will most likely orchestrate the whole thing and HE will be the one that wants to go for your throat. He sounds like the type to want to destroy your for his perceived ego trip and what he believes you have put your wife through.

Hi, thanks for the updates!

I'm so glad you have your dog's best interests at heart, it really shows that you're a person of high/good integrity!

We'd love to help you with your email to your son, and I'd advise you to listen to yearsofpain's post, he's a very good poster in my opinion.

As for which option to choose -> unless the the debt is really high, I'd go with the no-fault divorce. It will ultimately cost you less (both in terms of money, time and emotions/energy). I also think it will show your son you're not out to punish his mother and, by extension, him! Mention that in your e-mail -> that you have no intention of punishing her&him and that you want this to settle as peacefully as possible and as well as possible for him, and that that's why you're going to file no-fault etc.

Best wishs!

I don't know how much debt you are talking about but I can understand why you would want to take the quick and easier way. I'd run the numbers to see if keeping in contact 6 -8 more months would be worth it. Those court dates hold alot of stressful encounters, and being married for 6-8 months keeps you on the roller-coaster that much longer. Of course saying that you are going to take the easier way doesn't mean you can't negotiate. "You can have the apartment so DS has a place to stay the next two months but you need to find a roommate and get me off the lease"....

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:03 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

UAB, I agree with redsox13 and 1985. I've talked with four attorneys out here. First is a pit bull attorney who represents pro athletes and high end clients (I was referred to him by a friend). Second attorney is very efficient and knows how to process uncontested D quickly and smoothly through the court system in Dallas and Collin county. Third attorney is experienced with mediatiated D. Fourth is a run of the mill D attorney who I called in the final hours just the cross check against what others were advising. I hired the third attorney for mediation for my specific situation.

Now, all four of them said I could file on ground of infidelity but property wise I would maybe get 5% more in assets. So, unless you are loaded with cash and assets, like high end clients, the gain may not be worth the additional costs in attorneys and court fees. So ask yourself if option 2 is going to cost more in legal fees than what you will gain in the end. Also keep in mind your WW is being coached by a three time D vet and probably knows a trick or two from his own experience.

Is your end goal to split everything reasonably and get started on your new beginning as soon as possible, or drag it out in courts for months to argue over grounds for infidelity?

But hey, if your attorney is really cutting you a break then there's no need for fine print, right? Great clients are great because they make you money and bring referrals. Just something to think about.

I would choose $1500 and get that shit over with. The best revenge is a life well lived, and if you stay in touch with your step son, he will remind his mother of it for the rest of her days.