SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are they just the... call me. type texts? Or is she showing anger or remorse?

Regardless, crickets are best.

Keep giving her crickets and when you talk to your son, try to keep it about your relationship with him...don't appear to be trying to win him over to your side. He's putting his anger on you because he knows he's stuck with his mom - self-preservation. Also, she's actively manipulating him where you are not. It's probably easier in his mind for you to keep the family together by putting up with mom's bs than it would be to talk mom out of being a douche. You've been trying to talk her out of it for months with no success - what chance does a teenage boy have?

Do you feel stronger now that you've taken back control of your life? I remember it well - the feeling of liberation...

The texts are mostly just... "I'm confused. What are you doing?" "So what, we're not talking now?"

The latest one this morning was "You put our dirty laundry on Facebook?!"

Guess a friend reached out to her. Hehehe.

I am starting to feel stronger now that I'm taking back control over my situation.

I think liberation is a good word for it! I actually slept last night. From 2am-8am. Only woke up twice and for a few minutes both times. That was a HUGE improvement.

And, while I still wasn't hungry for breakfast, I managed to eat an english muffin sandwich without throwing it back up. So... progress, yes?

Yes - progress. It's awful being at the mercy of a wayward! Just be forewarned - the rollercoaster will still dip - and you'll have those moments "what have I done?" But give your heart time to catch up to your head. You are doing the right thing.

My liberation resulted in my h pulling his head out of his ass - but if I had a single inkling that he used me as plan b after I took back control - I wouidnt have even considered offering him R. Not saying you are even considering R - that's the problem sometimes - by the time their fog lifts - the damage is too great....

I just want the roller coaster to stop.

My WW said to me last week that she doesn't know what to expect from me. She said, "I have whiplash from your emotions."

Well, that's because what you've done is complex and my heart, mind, and soul are struggling to deal with it. It's not as simple for me as it is for you.

I know that I'll still be all over the map. Even today, as she's been pleading for me to contact her, I've had moments of hesitation. Almost breaking silence. But, I'm not going to.

Cutting her off and going dark was something I tried almost immediately upon discovery. But, within a day, I broke it. I honestly think if I'd have kept it up that early, it may have shook her out of the fog.

As far as do I want her back when the fog wears off? I really don't know. Can't say I love her right now. Can't say I'll ever trust her.

Can't say I don't want to ratchet up the pain and make the consequences as horrible as possible for her.

I keep hearing Emperor Palpantine from Star Wars in my head: "Yes. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you."

The fact that I now WANT this to be painful for her scares me. I don't want to end up on the Dark Side, so to speak.

Be gentleman, don’t need to be rude just explain her contact rules from Saturday night on.

1.- You are not available to face to face talk, no matter what. (If she doesn’t know where you are staying don’t tell her)

2.- She should only text/email you about Son, D or emergency matters.

3.- Any additional information she may need would be ask to you attorney (Attorney number and email )

4.- That you are not answering/reading any email about her feelings or doing anymore.

5.- Keep Son out of this, as he is a victim that doesn’t need or deserve to be involved in all this drama. He is not a kid anymore and can talk to you about anything so she doesn’t have to interfere.

6.- You will reach her with a split plan ASAP

7.- You hope to have a civil D ASAP

Don’t talk to her, just avoid the drama. Don’t engage in any kind of discussion with her, don’t let her explain to you why she disrespect you again and why you should be OK about it and, of course, lie to your face again and again.

Remember that:

She made an informed decision;

She knew the consequences and did it anyway;

You already gave her a lot of opportunities that most WW at SI could only dream of;

You don’t need to explain her all over again anything; you would only be making a fool of yourself.

Cheating in a choice not a consequence, stop thinking that you cause it by not meting her needs! There is always a different way, the right way, to fix a marriage, get a D or even wait until start a new relation.

Doing the same thing expecting a different outcome is not going to happen, why she would change if you already know everything, you already asked her to stop, already let her know what you think but never has done anything about it!!

As you pointed out, the only time she was nervous was when you went dark…this was because she expected consequences

Stop being a doormat.

Good luck.

Go see your lawyer. Take half the money from your joint account. Don't have any contact with WW.

Sorry your step son is caught in the middle but your WW did that to him. There is nothing you can do. If you did not adopt him you have not legal grounds to stand on regarding him. So actually it was his mother who abandon him not you. She made the choice for everyone involved. You did what was necessary to protect yourself. Sorry he can not see that. Maybe he does but is hurt by the choices his mother made. Give him some time. If he chooses to blame you there is nothing you can do about it.

This is going to sound harsh but it is just reality. He is not your son and there is nothing you can do except listen to him. If you get anymore involved with him than that your WW will say you tried to kidnap him or some BS like that. You should have no face to face interaction with him right now. Talk to your lawyer see what he says.

Still in the lobby waiting on the lawyer... Seems a little backed up today.

I'm not talking about not being a gentleman. Or taking her back.

I'm just saying... I can't believe what she's done to me. Who I'm becoming. I'm enjoying sticking her with the consequences. That's just awful.

Sometimes anger is a good thing. If that is what you need to disengage then so be it.

Go see your lawyer. Take half the money from your joint account. Don't have any contact with WW.

I agree with this person. I do not agree with the pp that said you should contact WW and set up ground rules. She already knows all of that and what she doesn't know would be giving her too much information about your plans. Talking to her about not putting son in the middle would turn into a fight - NC.

Make sure to ask what your obligations are as far as paying on the Apt you moved out of, closing accounts and transferring money... and what proof you would need to prove the A in court.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:07 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

"You put our dirty laundry on Facebook?!"

What did you put on Facebook? Can your son see it?

You put our dirty laundry on Facebook?!"

Actually, it's HER dirty laundry. Because she still is in the fog, she doesn't get that.

Keep going NC but it would have been great to respond "No, I put YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY ON FACEBOOK".

What a selfish woman she has become. Keep NC and listen to Mr Healed's points very good advice there

bybeing a gentleman I mean let her know the new game rules, just that

Consrquences may be awful, but sre for her thinked, planned and executed actions. The thing is that she believed you would be there no matter what. Thats why she is confused.

First of all, please remember that no matter what happens, you're in for a marathon before you will have healed. And there will be plenty of ups and downs. Having said that, you have an excellent chance of healing really well and re-becoming an emotionally health young adult, with increased knowledge of psychology and relationships, that will help you tremendously in fostering healthier, better relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, in the future.

As for the darkness, that is a normal and common reaction, one that will most likely (with hard work and focus on yourself) pass and diminish in the future. IC is paramount in that regard!

It's great that you're seeking legal help!

As for contacting your son, I recommend you write him an email. You don't know if his mom might accidentally get to the mobile phone before he does etc. If you send him an email, you'll know he'll get it. It's also harder to delete an email than a text message, and easier to have these tough conversations.

Also, if you want, you can first post here a draft of what you want to say to him, and we can give you our feedback before you send it to him.

We're here for you!

((((UAB)))) my heart goes out to you....reading the last few pages melted my heart...

Hang in there....

If your son needs a more tangible example of how you handled this siuation..Ask him WWHD if he knew his girlfriend was sleeping with another guy?? He's 17 and has a girlfriend so he should be able to relate to this.....

I wonder if he's upset with his mother

Yeah, I know I won't be healed for quite some time. Wish I could fast forward through that stage.

I like the idea of writing my son an email. I'll give it some thought and run it by the group first.

Alright. So I have some decisions to make. The meeting with the lawyer was good. He's ready to tear the ripcord and get started.

He said if getting it over with ASAP and for the lowest cost is the goal, he can file no fault. It's $500 for him to file and about $1000 for the representation as we settle debts and split property.

But, if I wanted to go down the path of D with infidelity as the cause, he thinks he has a good shot of saddling her with most of the debt, getting me more of the property and he thinks we can get back the $1500/1800 from the joint account that have contributed to the affair.

That's going to be $500 to file and then another $2000 for representation and discovery research.

Honestly, the price tags on both are steep. And I'm not sure option 2 is worth it. Part of me thinks it'd be best to get it done ASAP and just never be heard from again.

As far as do I want her back when the fog wears off? I really don't know. Can't say I love her right now. Can't say I'll ever trust her.

Keep your head where your feet are. That means, live in the present. Always. Always, the present. The future will take care of itself; the past is the past. You can't guess the future, but being the best "right now" is the best plan for a good future.

And your "right now" best is being pretty well played out, thanks to your level head. Keep it up. You really are doing much better than you think you are.

Yeah, I know I won't be healed for quite some time. Wish I could fast forward through that stage.

I like the idea of writing my son an email. I'll give it some thought and run it by the group first.

Alright. So I have some decisions to make. The meeting with the lawyer was good. He's ready to tear the ripcord and get started.

He said if getting it over with ASAP and for the lowest cost is the goal, he can file no fault. It's $500 for him to file and about $1000 for the representation as we settle debts and split property.

But, if I wanted to go down the path of D with infidelity as the cause, he thinks he has a good shot of saddling her with most of the debt, getting me more of the property and he thinks we can get back the $1500/1800 from the joint account that have contributed to the affair.

That's going to be $500 to file and then another $2000 for representation and discovery research.

Honestly, the price tags on both are steep. And I'm not sure option 2 is worth it. Part of me thinks it'd be best to get it done ASAP and just never be heard from again.

$1500, and you move on with no fight.

$2,500 and you likely get $1,800 back, she gets most of the debt?

I'd go w/ the $2,500 option. In the end your net is only $700... HALF as expensive. And that's before the debt is considered.

As far as the lease goes, he said I don't have many options. After he looked at it, he said that I can't withdraw from the lease unless she meets their rent qualifications on her own. She doesn't. He said the way the lease is structured, there's no getting off it unless she can show them she's good for the money. He suggested that perhaps she can find a roommate.

On the cars, he said since I make less than my wife, he's of the opinion that I should attempt to get her car, which is newer but has a lower payment. Our names are on both cars, so he said he thinks he can make a good argument that I need the lower payment.

I mentioned the VAR to him. He said drop it. Never come back for it. Let's hope we never have to deal with it because you're giving your heartless soon to be ex what she wants.