SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

" I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing."

You know that little whoosing noise that people make while rapidly moving their hand over their head to indicate someone completely missed something? WHOOOSH

I'm doing that now.

(visual aid http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/980203/over-your-head-o.gif)

[This message edited by eric1 at 3:17 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

She's confused that I'm actually following through and standing up to her. And, that scares her, I think.

Yup.

I know you are hurt and mad at me. I'm not sure what exactly happened and I told you I had a feeling you were going to drop a bomb on me, well here it is. You told DS I was going to be mad at you, I'm not sure why you felt this way and I'm sorry you do. I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing. I'm now locked out of my bank account, I don't know if there is any money in there, you are posting stuff on Facebook but won't talk to me. If you want to email me, that is fine. If you don't want me to respond that is fine. But I have a right to know if I have money to pay my bills and feed my kid and really to know what happened. I'm really really confused. An explanation would be nice.

Thank you,

STBXWW

Amazing, just amazing!!!

She knows exactly what is going on, you told her what would happen!!!

I belive she is trying to play you again.

As others said, IMHO you should keep dark.

After FB post, after Bank account restriction, after being warned what would happen she is surprised by your actions and fears that you will drop a bomb!!! amazing.

Maybe she needs some support. You may respond last OM email with:

"You win, I am getting D"

I bet in minutes after you send this email, she will text you that she is aware of the D.

IMHO, she is trying to keep you as plan B, trying to manipulate you again.

My third post in a few minutes but read this message if you ever have doubts.

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT IT IS VITAL

STAY NO CONTACT UNDER EVERY SINGLE CONDITION UNDER THE SUN!

SHE *WILL* USE HER SON TO TRY TO GET YOU TO BREAK NO CONTACT. BE PREPARED FOR THIS

She just texted me and said, "I'm just trying to have an adult conversation. Do I have to come up to your office to have it with you?"

Which is why you need to point out that you now have legal representation. The situation has now been elevated from a personal matter to a legal business matter. Making business "personal" costs money so unless you have significant disposable funds to spare your objective at this point is to get out of the M as efficiently, amicably, and cheaply as possible. Choose your battles wisely.

I wanted to chime in here with a vote for a reply to her that says nothing more than a very simple reminder that you're divorcing because she destroyed the marriage by her infidelity and that she can call the bank and they will help her access the account. No more. My understanding of NC is that finances is ok.

Ok, I also wanted to chime in on how impressed I am with how awesome you seem to be doing. You could teach a class in "How To Keep Your Self Respect."

I mean, really. Come on. Afraid of the bomb I'm going to drop. Okay, #1 - I TOLD YOU THE EXACT YEAR, MAKE AND MODEL OF THE BOMB I WILL DROP. #2 - No bomb that I could ever drop on you will come close to the devastation that your bomb wrought.

Oh, and I went ahead and blocked her mom's numbers from my phone. I'm sure she'd be letting me have it right about now.

I'm just waiting for POSOM to reach out and scold me for being so cold or whatever.

Come at me, bro.

I mean, really. Come on. Afraid of the bomb I'm going to drop. Okay, #1 - I TOLD YOU THE EXACT YEAR, MAKE AND MODEL OF THE BOMB I WILL DROP. #2 - No bomb that I could ever drop on you will come close to the devastation that your bomb wrought.

You also gave her the bomb trigger...she just pulled it to the bottom.

IMHO, the banking info falls into the kids and finances only category. Giving her the info is NOT in the pain shopping category, it merely helps keep it amicable.

I thing she is still trying to manipulate you by acting confused.

I know you are hurt and mad at me. I'm not sure what exactly happened and I told you I had a feeling you were going to drop a bomb on me, well here it is.

She knows. Notice she isn't even saying anything about breaking up with OM. This means she either didn't do it or she has been told not to write anything about the infidelity that can be used in court.

You told DS I was going to be mad at you, I'm not sure why you felt this way and I'm sorry you do. I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing.

Again she leaves out OM and makes it sound like she is just confused. I noticed OM did not include anything beyond him being a counselor in his text.

I'm now locked out of my bank account, I don't know if there is any money in there, you are posting stuff on Facebook but won't talk to me.

I don't know your wife but she doesn't sound like the type that wouldn't automatically call the bank to find out why she was locked out... Doesn't seem like the type to just sit and wonder if she has money to feed her son. The Facebook thing really got to her. I'm sure she would like to know exactly who read it wand what they saw... have you blocked her from face book yet?

Personally I feel like she is just messing with you to get you to respond. Everything you have already said and done points her toward you filing for D.

I would respond as follows:

1. I would let her know you took half the money, which you are entitled to.

2. I would let her know that it is not your intention to take anything that is not rightfully yours, and that you have no intention to take more than that.

3. You told her what would happen if she went away this weekend. You told her if she left she was choosing to end her marriage. You told her you need to protect yourself, and that what has happened is a direct result of her actions.

4. She has betrayed you in the vilest way possible, and as a result you see no reason to have any conversation with her. Being an adult is about accepting the consequence of your actions.

These are the consequence of hers.

I would then go silent.

You need to address her concern - you cannot maintain silence with respect to the money.

Yes she is confused. Actually she is more likely scared. Terrified that the safety net has been taken down.

But here is why I am posting.

Does she deserve a response about the bank account? NO.

Would it be fun to make her figure it out on her own? YES

But it is not a wise move for you.

You can file it as uncontested. Hopefully it will stay that way BUT she would have the right to turn it into contested. By making up all kinds of crap about you did this and that and the other and she was terrorized yada yada. Why would she do that? Because she is under the spell of a lunatic who quite possibly will care less about how much in fees you each spend and what happens to her in the process than he does about just being an asshole.

Refusing to give her a 2 or 3 sentence email succinctly telling her call the bank and they will give you access in such and such a way would play into allegations of an abusive, controlling, horrible H. And then you start out as the villain to your judge rather than the reasonable acting victim.

That is not how you want to begin your journey in court.

I always hope my opponent will do something early on that makes them look like unreasonable jerks to the judge.

I don't want to see you in that position.

I completely agree with 1985. You do not want her thinking her only option is to run to a lawyer and start WW III.

Showing you will communicate over the remaining issues in the marriage (and there are not all that many, TBH) will help you get through this quickly and without aggravation.

Alright, I broke NC and said:

You still have access to your account. You need to go to the bank website and sign up for a new online user ID, then enter the joint checking account number. They say if you need help registering, you need to call them.

Yes she is confused. Actually she is more likely scared. Terrified that the safety net has been taken down.

But here is why I am posting.

Does she deserve a response about the bank account? NO.

Would it be fun to make her figure it out on her own? YES

But it is not a wise move for you.

You can file it as uncontested. Hopefully it will stay that way BUT she would have the right to turn it into contested. By making up all kinds of crap about you did this and that and the other and she was terrorized yada yada. Why would she do that? Because she is under the spell of a lunatic who quite possibly will care less about how much in fees you each spend and what happens to her in the process than he does about just being an asshole.

Refusing to give her a 2 or 3 sentence email succinctly telling her call the bank and they will give you access in such and such a way would play into allegations of an abusive, controlling, horrible H. And then you start out as the villain to your judge rather than the reasonable acting victim.

That is not how you want to begin your journey in court.

I always hope my opponent will do something early on that makes them look like unreasonable jerks to the judge.

I don't want to see you in that position.

very very solid take.

Read & heed, IMHO.

And she can try as hard as she likes to keep the talk of OM out of her communications. But she already slipped up - when she first told me she loves him and might choose him over me, she didn't have the courage to do it to my face. She did it by text. Texts that I kept.

What you sent to her is exactly the right thing. You look adult, kind and reasonable. Just where you want to be.

And, as a bonus, it will frustrate the hell out of her because she has not gotten a rise out of you nor gotten you to engage.

NOW if she continues on about the bank account, you can remain NC. Just save a copy of what you sent her to prove that you did, quickly, give her the help she needed.

Biggest FU you can give her now is crickets and if anybody ever deserved an FU it is her!!! You are doing great.

Biggest FU you can give her now is crickets and if anybody ever deserved an FU it is her!!! You are doing great.