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I think I would respond, "DS, I told your mom before she left, that our marriage was over if she went. Just because she didn't believe me, doesn't mean she didn't know. I feel badly that you are in this position, but I have no power over your mom's choices. Once I am settled, please know you'll always have a place with me. Mom destroyed our marriage, but I hope not our father/son relationship. Right now your mom needs you. I won't ask you to choose sides. But never doubt I love you and when you are ready, I'm here for you."

He's angry. He's lashing out. Hopefully, he'll come to accept you needed to leave. Keep the door open and understand that a 17 year old who has already experienced the abandonment of his bio dad, is going to interpret your leaving personally. Keep in contact with him - even as he lashes out. Commit to sending him a text often, assuring him that you are thinking of him, missing him and concerned for his well-being.

(((UAB and DSS)))

Let things calm down.

You did the right thing by leaving. What she did to you is inhumane.

Your WW has made you a villain.

There's no good way out of this. She's made sure of it. Leaving, I would have hated but respected. But an exit affair? So low.

Son: That doesn't give you the right to be a fucking coward. And are you fucking serious? You forced me to get involved by not doing shit to let mom know you had left, so don't give me shit about how I shouldn't get involved. Don't talk to me.

What a f'n mess.

It always pisses me off when a kid has to be more mature than his/her parent. You TOLD your WW that shit was going to blow up if she went to the OM this weekend and yet she did it anyway. And it sounds as if she unleashed all of her "WTF?" on her son when she returned. That poor kid.

He's angry at you because he had to deal with her when she returned and you weren't there. But it wouldn't have mattered if you had given her a heads-up that you wouldn't be there -- she would still have involved him when she returned. You couldn't have taken him with you because he is not *technically* yours to take and there would still have been drama when she returned to an empty house.

Son is involved now and you NEED to have a face to face with him. You need to give him more information than you are probably comfortable with giving him....and would NOT be giving him if your WW hadn't come back and acted like a fool.

Apologize your ass off to him for leaving him in that situation to deal with her. Let him know that she was insistent on going to visit OM this weekend over your objection and that you had told her that if she went, then she wasn't to come back. Explain to him that things would have been really, really ugly if you had been at the house when she returned from meeting with this guy.

You leaving that house was NOT you being a coward, it was an act of self-preservation.

Well, yeah. But he already knows everything. There's not much else to explain to him. I'm not revealing next steps.

Well, I didn't explain that she knew what was going to happen. That was a mistake. Not sure I can recover from that. I'll wait before I try. He's too mad now and I don't think he'll believe me.

You have to take a long term view on this. As much as the nice guy in you would like to mend this with your son, you have to take short term pain for long term gain.

As a man in time your son will hopefully come to see why you did what you have done. But that will be up to him. For now protect yourself and do whatever you have to do.

I think you should be explicit with your son and ask him what he expects you to do when your wife is screwing another guy.

But he already knows everything. There's not much else to explain to him. I'm not revealing next steps

I understand that he knows the *facts* of the situation. Lay your heart on the line with him, though. There is a huge difference between relating factual information and relating the emotional impact of what those actions have caused.

Your "next step" is filing for divorce. That doesn't have to be kept a state secret.

Well, I didn't explain that she knew what was going to happen. That was a mistake. Not sure I can recover from that. I'll wait before I try. He's too mad now and I don't think he'll believe me.

I'll bet that he's plenty pissed right now, and rightfully so. Seek him out at some point during this week and have an adult heart-to-heart with him. Don't do it by text or by phone -- it has to be in person.

I'd write to him that you'd like to see him this week in person. Ask him when it would suit him.

When you see him, explain the situation, offer to pay counselling for him.

I know it's hard, but it will get better!

Best wishes

I agree that your son is really upset right now. As a parent of a teenager, the fact that he is reaching out to you with that anger is actually a good thing. That means that on some level, he knows that you are safe and can be trusted with his anger.

Since he is already aware of most of the situation, I would reply:

"I am sorry that you are hurt and angry. It hurt me too when your Mom decided to spend the night with her boyfriend again. I should have explained to you that I told your Mom that our marriage was over if she went back to her boyfriend. As you can see, she did. I know that you do not realize this right now, but it is the best for everyone that I not be there when your Mom got home. I am sorry that you think this is the cowardly way out. Maybe one day, you will understand why I handled things this way. I love you and have no intention of ignoring you. I am devastated by what my wife has done to me and our marriage and I am so sorry that she has torn up both of our lives with this."

And I second offering to pay for his counseling once you get on your feet.

I am so relieved that you left.

Your son is too young to understand the situation from your point of view.

If you had stayed, there was a strong possibility that things would have gotten out of hand. YOU could have ended up in jail. Not because you would deserve it, but we have all followed stories where one spouse makes untrue allegations.....

Just keep contact with him. Go to counseling with him if you can. If you just keep contact and show him you are not giving up on him, you will be able to repair the relationship as time goes on.

Again, SO relieved that you did not stay for confrontation. You would be no good to your son from behind bars.

You're wife if manipulating your son and there isn't much you can do about it. You can try to meet with him in person but I don't think he will do it. If not I'd email him and let him know is.that:

You are sorry that he is in the middle of this. that you honestly felt there would be less drama in the house if you left. That your wife was well aware that if she left to continue her A with OM the marriage was over. You aren't being a coward for running away you are holding true to your word and trying to keep as much drama out of the house as possible. The marriage is over, WW made that decision when she left to be with OM. Again, I'm sorry you are placed in the middle of this but I felt staying in the house and fighting with WW in front of you over something that has already been decided would be much more difficult for you to have to witness.

I would write more about how you will always be there for him and understand if he would like to distance himself from you at this time.

One a side note did you WW text you at all or did OM text you? Doesn't sound like moving out shocked her out of the "fog."

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:09 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

I agree with Freeme. Your WW may be manipulating the 17 year old. The 17 year old has o clue what your situation/feelings are or the magnitude of them.

Hold the course, see that attorney today and keep moving in the right direction. Keep us posted

UAB -- I'm going to repeat what I posted before:

Your wife is the one who caused all this pain for your stepson. Your wife - not you!

And you were wise to not be home when she returned. There just would have been a lot of horrific drama -- and you knew the marriage was over anyway.

Stay strong, stay calm, and take all necessary steps to end this relationship.

good call, Laura. You are right

I am curious as to why he focuses so much on what you are not willing to do for his mother as opposed to what his mother is doing to everyone. I agree with sassylee. I would tell him that. DO NOT GIVE HIM CRICKETS. He considers you to be a father and although his words hurt, he is only saying them out of pain. He isn't the one that should be getting the silent treatment. You are the adult and need to put your own pain on the backburner to show him compassion. (Even if he is 17) He isn't really mentally an adult till 24. Even then, as you can see some adults still act like children (OM and wife). Explain that you are not a coward. You are sorry he has to deal with his mom, but it is his mother that is choosing to put her son through this. Explain that this is what an adult does that has honor and integrity. They make a stand and expect to be treated with respect. Tell him you are not a coward, but a man that sticks to his word and now there are consequences to the disrespect and pain his mother is putting him through.

Honestly, what was going to happen? Your wife was going to abandon her son to run off into the sunset with OM? Yes, he is 17. This is a hard time in their lives. I have a brother that just turned 19. Our mother (also a serial cheater) just died last November. He is still so much a child in some ways. They need help to establish themselves in the world. Even if they move out to independence, my brother still shows up for a meal when funds are low. Needs help to get an apartment or sign that first car. Just needs to know there is somewhere to go if life gets too messy. That even as he lives his life apart, there is someone that will always love him and support him. Right now he probably feels abandoned by his mother too. He probably feels second fiddle to the OM. He knows she chose the OM over family.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 8:33 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

In my experience telling the exact BROAD truth is always the best to diffuse sitations.

"Son, I would give my life for you. This is a horrible situation and I would have done anything for this situation to not have happened. I am not in a good place now and just know that I considered this from all angles and felt that pulling the band-aid was the way to cause us all the least amount of pain in the long run. I am here to talk to you any hour of any day and will always be there for you. I love you"

In reality her affair destroyed the family. How you abandon the sinking ship is always tricky. No one wants to see it go down, not even your cheating wife. No doubt she is going to tell your son that she only went to say goodbye to OM over coffee but you didn't have the maturity to be patient about the closure meeting.

Are you supposed to tell your son that POSOM used the goodbye weekend to compete with you by rocking the bed?

Your WW is probably now wondering if she can get POSOM to pay for your son's college education if she has realized that you are not automatically the source of child support.

I'm going to contact DS today and try to explain better. I'll keep y'all posted on that front.

She is still trying to get me to contact her. She's been texting me. Even this morning.

I'm maintaining radio silence.