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The email needs to be about you and him. Do not attack his mom.

Great email.

I don't mean to seem as if I am attacking his mom.

I don't know how to explain what I'm doing without at least touching on her choices.... Suggestions, anyone?

You are his parent. I would simply say that what happened is between you and his Mom.

I would then say that you love him, and always will be there for him, even if he is very hurt right now.

Never forget you are the parent.

I like your letter, and I think you should absolutely state things as they are, in age appropriate manner, placing the blame where it should be. However, I think you could leave out the first two paragraphs, or else edit to remove reference to his mom spending the night with her boyfriend. That gets a little too close to discussing his mom's sex life. Instead, maybe rephrase to talk about her choice to spend more time with another man and that this was a violation of a boundary you had set, and that it is important for you to stand by your boundaries.

Redsox is on it.

He has her version on the truth which includes the justification of the A. He has bought into it as you allowed it for so long.

She has come back to fix everything and you left. That is what he thinks.

By saying it is all her fault, in his view your email as an attack. He is a third party in this.

Talk about him and you, nothing more. Parts of the email should be between you and your wife. He will feel he is in the middle again and you are afraid to confront your WW.

All about you and him.

Okay, got ya. Revising.

But, if I wanted to go down the path of D with infidelity as the cause, he thinks he has a good shot of saddling her with most of the debt, getting me more of the property and he thinks we can get back the $1500/1800 from the joint account that have contributed to the affair.

That's going to be $500 to file and then another $2000 for representation and discovery research

.

Go for "fault" i also live in texas and my in-law won their case against their cheating spouse and it helped with custody, pension and debt.

If is true if there is not a lot of assets, then it is blood out of a turnip, but as you said you are getting a break, plus the satisfaction of being able to recover something more "personal" from what she has done to you.

No contact with her??? eh at this point you have divorce. You need to be calm and cool, show her that you moved on. That actually does far more damage than the silent treatment.

I don't mean a friendly conversation, i mean you have to talk about when you each of you can see your son. Or if she needs a pickup or you to get your son from some activity.

My point is, yes speak, but hold back the emotion, be "beyond her." That does the most damage.

She has yet to get out of the fog, and she will be in a world of hurt because she does not come off as indifferent yet. She felt empowered and surprised by your behavior because my impression is that you let her run you over more than a few times and you came out of the gate chasing her.

but it was for the best for all three of us that I not be there when your Mom got home.

leave that out for sure. It sounds as if you were there, it may have become violent when she got back.

I wouldn't go into detail about spending the night. I would just simply state the reason. She continued to betray your trust with infidelity. He is old enough to learn the truth and to learn from it. Continued contact = leaving.

Personally I think the letter is fine but I'd wait for a response from the poster that was actually a child of her parents A. She seems to have good incite into what she would have liked to have been told. She normally talks about getting the whole truth and not being treated like a child in her posts.

No you don't want to place him in the middle but...he is already there and your WW is feeding him many lies. Sending him a letter that only talks about how you love him and will always be there for him isn't going to have much impact on an angry 17 yo that thinks "you are a coward and abandoned the family for no reason" ....

I didn't feel like you attacked his mother, he is 17 about to go off to collage and has a right to know what is going on in his life. Again, wait for the poster that lived this as a child before sending is my best advice.

On a side note about being set up. I think that she is ready to divorce but now knows what an A could cost her and is trying to find something to use against you (camera) maybe the facebook message but it doesn't sound like she has a copy or really knows what it says. I bet she called the bank first thing when she saw she was locked out, then proceeded to pretend she didn't know what was happening to create some type of paper trail for you being unreasonable.

That said, I don't think she has anything on you and is scared that she will not have anything to negotiate with. I'm sure the VAR made her mad but she hasn't said anything about it. She either wants to catch you with it... or is wondering how long it has been there...how much information you already have on her A. Thus she is trying to get you to talk... but not offering up anything on her end.

If you sent her a text that says anything about the A she would suddenly deny it happened (don't do it). They were just friends... She might tell you in person that they "broke-up" but not in writing.

Also I'd post your options on filing in the D forum. People that are actually going through the process might have good incite. I still think you could go the cheap quick route but negotiate getting the car and less debt.

updated because I found the name of the poster - yearsofpain25 (page 22) I reread what she said about telling your son and it looks like you might have read her post while putting together your letter. She was 16 when she went through all of this I'm guessing she knows better than most of us what your son is going through and needs to hear..

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:20 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

I grew up as an OC with my father and his wife and children of their marriage. I do not think your letter is inappropriate at all. It does not go into the nitty gritty. It does not blame your WW. Your son is already aware of the entire A and his mother spending weekends with the guy. If I were to get a candied down version with all of those considerations, I would feel as though I were being talked down to. Given that your son is on the cusp of becoming an adult and this has profoundly affected his life, I think your letter was good. He's not seven and shouldn't be treated with kid gloves.

No referencing his mom and her boyfriend.

She is 1/2 of his DNA, so slamming her is also slamming him.

Is there any way you can make this letter more about you and him? How you really, really love him and will always be there for him and want to be a part of his life?

k9

for pete's sake the boy is 17 he knows what's going on. The letter is perfectly fine the way it was originally written

he needs to know you gave his mom a boundary and she willfully chose to cross it knowing what were the consequences. And you are not the bad guy here.

if you were not filing at fault, which I would, I would have taken have the attorney fees out of the account and also half of the affair money.

I think the letter is fine. You need to tell him the truth, otherwise, she will be able to taint him about you unfettered.

I agree with the people who say it's fine as it is

Letter fine as-is. 1st 2 paragraphs especially. Only one nit-pick. "We are not ready for communication" could be misconstrued by you son to mean you and him instead of the intended you and WW.

I feel your original letter to your DS was just fine the way it is, UAB.

I rarely post anymore but your thread caught my eye. Especially your son’s reaction.

My divorce was 8 years ago due to my XH’s continued philandering during our 24 year marriage. XH is a semi-prominent political player (no pun intended). Son was 16 at the time, and as he related to me later, had placed his dad on a “pedestal”.

Son was DEVASTATED when he found out about the affairs and only lashed out when I stated I had enough and was filing for divorce. He lashed out at me since I was the easy target. His head had been filled with untruths about me from his dad (to justify dad’s behavior). Son felt comfortable enough around me that he could expose his pain. And wow did that hurt.

But I continued frequent conversations with son. Letting him direct the flow of topics. To let him know I was ALWAYS there for him.

So, UAB, not only do you have to process the pain of your erstwhile partner in life stabbing you in the back but now the collateral damage to your son and his response to it.

I made MANY mistakes in dealing with my XH, but I made a point NOT to trash XH in front of son. Because as an earlier poster stated, the offspring WILL take those affronts personally. I made a point of trying to maintain the “high road”. Did I slip up? Sure. But I still tried to avoid drama. Because let’s face it. Your WW and my XH thrive on drama for whatever reason. And our children need a “rock” at this point in time. They will continue to need a “rock”.

Fast forward 8 years to the present:

1. Son had a really rough time dealing with his father’s infidelity and narcissistic tendencies. But IC helped him immensely. And now we can talk freely about IT (his dad’s inappropriate behavior) and actually find some humor in IT because he now realizes I’m a “safe place”.

2. Son spends every major holiday at my place.

3. Son has apologized for the anger directed at me. And I have apologized to him for my behaviors that were painful for him to observe.

4. SON AND I ARE CLOSER NOW THAN WE HAVE EVER BEEN.

So hang tough. It’s a rough ride but you can do it and prevail! Hugs.

[This message edited by moonview at 8:29 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

It's ok, IMHO, to reference her A in your letter. I also had teenagers aware of my WHs A. You can't ignore the big old elephant. It's what's driving your actions.

Only agree with comment re: best for the 3 of you that you not be home... I think she could twist this to say you could be violent.

I don't like how your WW writes... That she is "confused" and seems so surprised at your actions. She wants a paper trail of her innocence and your recklessness. I notice she hasn't claimed/written that she ended her A and came home to R and found you gone. Geez, she de friended you a week ago. She has/had no intention of R. Beware!!!! Watch your backside. She is plotting. Please be careful.

ETA: agree with above poster. Never bad mouth his mom. You can discuss her actions IMO and how they hurt you and forced your hand without bitterness. Over time, he will get it

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 8:28 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Moonview's post is so great--I really hope you and your son can be close again and come through this devastating time stronger in the end.

I'm still in my own whirlwind of emotions, but just wanted to say I'm super sorry you're dealing with this. Not sure how you're able to handle this the way you've been the entire time.

Glad you have so much support here!