SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

With the other man messaging you, have you thought about what caused that? I don't believe it was coincidence that your wife, your mother-in-law, and the other man all contacted you last night. Other man was called at behest of your wife. How do you feel about that?

This is how I look at that: Your wife is at this point just worried about her reputation, PLUS wants to keep your son under the same roof until he graduates. When you started falling off their plan's apple cart, she called other man hugely upset to ask her for other man's advice of how to handle you. Other man told your wife that he would take care of this, message from him to you to make sure you know your place. No doubt other man told your wife the same copy you received from other man.

In retrospect, I felt that you treated other man too nicely, too courteous, too respectful. I would have liked if you had called him out as being a hypocrite calling you out using GOD as he himself is committing ADULTERY. I would have liked you to have called him that over and over. I thought you did OK, I just wish you had been a bit more confronting on the Christian/God vs. Adultery. Here's why: If other man is posturing with your wife (and the message to you was solely to show your wife what a MAN she is to "put you in your place") of how pious of a man he is, how noble he is, how honorable he is, then that is where you should hit him the most. When you does talk to your wife, I think you should let her know what you think what a hypocrite he is, committing adultery, this is not pious, this is not honorable, this is DIShonorable, this is sinful, and morally wrong, exactly the opposite of what a Christian believes, committing adultery. Your wife may become extremely angry and dispute you, BUT the notion WILL leak in. Use the weaknesses that the other man gives you.

UAB, my step dad, the man in mine and my brothers lives during out teen years had a huge impact on our lives. When my mother and him split we were all a little stunned. It was him that actually ended things (no affair) with my mom, so we were a little upset about it...initially. After a little time, my brothers and I all realized how great it was to have him in our lives and despite how things turned out between my mom and him, we never forgot that. My brothers kids call him Grandpa. We still visit him regularly. He continues to play a big part in our lives and has continued to be there for us. So while our initial shock had us a little upset, we did get over it.

Be there for your son (step son is just a legality, you raised him, he is your son!), if he's angry at you, take it; let him vent, he needs it. As much as it my hurt you now, it'll pay of in the end.

Strength to you. You are doing great, man!

[This message edited by LonelyLucas at 10:48 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]

Does she not understand that if she were to say...be killed in a car wreck while in her affair SHE WILL NOT MAKE HEAVEN AND NEITHER WOULD HE. She needs to read her Bible or have someone explain it to her.

UaB, stay strong, keep iron-clad boundaries, you are in the early stages...mastering the 180 takes practice, and it gets easier over time as you realize that accepting her bullshit is...well, it is just ridiculous. The more you see it as absurd the better off you will be and the stronger you will be at keeping your boundaries.

Your son is trying to understand what is going on and lashing out at both of you probably as a way of being "fair." He is hurting too and as you continue on your path of self respect and care for him these feelings of his will even out.

If the finances of the apt. are a problem until the lease is up, is there any way of getting a roommate?

"I actually agree with your premise. I have only stepped up because you were acting incorrectly. If you treat her correctly then I will stay out of it."

Oh, that is so gosh darn romantic! What a gentleman.

Stepped up? This asshole has committed adultry with your wife. You make sure he understands that simple fact while he plays the all mighty "church" card on you. YOU MAKE SURE HE UNDERSTANDS THAT HE IS A PILE OF SHIT IN THE EYES OF GOD!!!!

Then he passes judgement on you for acting incorrectly when it is HE and YOUR WIFE THAT HAS DONE SO!!!

My friend, you are dealing with two very weird ducks. They talk of religion while going at it like animals. STOP quoting the bible to these heathens. Jim Jones had a better church than they do. They have no religion other than their selfish selves.

He tells you that if you treat her correctly, he will stay out of it. YEA RIGHT!! You believe this fucking ass? This guy is full of himself right now because he thinks he owns your wife.

My advice for you is to hold your head up high and tell your wife to go kindly fuck herself. Let this asshole with no moral values show her how to be treated correctly. LOL. What a joke.

So... few updates...

I kept up the 180 today and tonight. Finally, I said I was going for a walk through the neighborhood and made to leave. My WW jumped up off the couch and said she'd like to go with me. I agreed to allow it.

As we walked, she told me she'd been doing some thinking about our relationship and the affair and she would like to tell me what she's concluded.

I said okay. She proceeded to say, "I'm think I'm going to go down to [POSOM's] house Saturday night and go to church with him on Sunday, then come home."

I immediately smiled and cut her off and said (calmly), "Alright, well you know where I stand. Don't come back."

She got mad and said, "Okay, first off, lemme finish. Second, I'm on the lease too. You can't just force me out."

I replied, "Well, I already told you, my lawyer will be happy to remove you from the lease. And, okay. Let's hear what else you have to say."

She said, "As much as it pains me - and I really don't think you understand how much it does - I'm going down there to give [POSOM] his cell phone back, pay him for the boots he bought me and tell him that I can't be with him any more because I need to work on my marriage."

I stopped walking and turned to look into her eyes. "I'm of course aware of how much such an act will hurt. I don't know what it feels like, because I've never been in your role. But, I understand that it isn't easy for you. Having said that, I have no reason to trust that you will break off the affair or give the burner phone back. You can stick that stuff in the mail, along with a NC letter that I watch you write and I approve."

Here's the thing... She keeps underestimating my intelligence. I'm really not dumb. I swear, it's like she forgot who she's married to. See, she already tried this once before. Right after D-Day. I can't remember if I put this part in my first post, it was so long! Anyway, she promised to end the affair right after D-Day, give back the phone and break up with him in person. I told her no, she can FedEx the phone back and send him a letter saying get lost. She declined, I was stupid enough to let her go down there... Yeah, it was apparent about 5 minutes after she got back that she broke nothing off. So, I've already been through this part of the ride before. I swear to God, she thinks I'm stupid or something.

I have absolitely zero faith that she's going to break it off with him when I can't see or hear it. And she's spending the night and going to church like usual? Nuh uh. I'm sure even if she IS thinking she's going to cut him off, it'll be their chance to make sweet love to one another one more time...

So uh... yeah. I just went back to 180ing her ass. So what do I tell her now? You break it off my way or don't come back?

Oh! And I almost forgot! POSOM messaged me again tonight. (I haven't replied.)

POSOM: I have come out of a relationship that is similar to yours. Often times the abused person cannot trust the abuser again. You must realize that she has free will and that neither of our opinions really matter. It is for her to choose and if you truly love her you will respect that. She is one of my closest friends and I will not turn away. My prayers are with you. Maybe sometimes we have to lose to gain. If you trust in God you will eventually find inner peace. If you trust in self then you will surely lose your soul. Treat her as you want to be treated and if it is God's will then so be it. I pray every day for God to lead me on the right path regarding [WW] and so far he has not let me leave her side. Your main focus needs to be on self. How can you love if you don't love yourself? What if God has a different plan for her? I follow his will in my life and that is what is meant by quitaholoc. I will follow his will through hell if need be. I don't quit on what God tells me is his path. Think before you accuse.

------

Um... wow. I mean... I... Oh my god. What do you even say to that rubbish?!

Now, the quitaholic barb is him remarking about something I told my WW. She had told me early on that her new friend has this life philosophy: he's a quitaholic. If things get toxic (read: bad for him) he quits. Has a "quitectomy." So when I started down the war path to get him fired, I told my WW, "Let's see how your quitaholic knight in shining armor reacts when I turn up the heat."

I knew she'd pass that along. But, for some reason, he's only now throwing that back at me.

I love this message from him. I mean, the delusion and arrogance are off. the. charts.

NOW TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR REPLIES!

I can not wait to wait to read the suggested replies from the fantastic people on this site.

POSOM is clearly utterly arrogant, delusional and a total hypocrite.

You are doing great UAB,keep your inner strength.

U&B, may I ask why do you still want to be with her? I mean, even if she stops the affair now, do you really still want to be with her? She has treated you so horribly, I'm struggling to imagine why you'd want to remain with her. I mean, you're really young, the son is grown up and you can remain in touch with him even if you divorce,... Why spend the rest of your life with her, knowing what she did and what she's capable of doing again? Why not divorce, heal yourself and then find a woman who will be emotionally healthy and will have integrity?

I'm sorry if this post offends you. I just don't want you to waste your life, health, time,..., on someone who has treated you and continues to treat you so horribly.

Best wishes!

I would print out those messages he sent you, attach my own brief account of what this POS has done to your M and son's family, and then drive it down to his pastor.

I think his pastor might have a thing or two to say to him about this 'walk with God' he thinks he's on.

Then I would send this short reply back to him.

"I forwarded your messages and theories about how you feel God is leading you to break His Commandment and commit adultery while destroying my M and family to your pastor....I thought he might be interested in how you perceive your relationship with God and the path He is telling you to walk.

Let me know if your pastor offers his approval too."

Edited to add this.....damn is this POSOM an arrogant fucking hypocrite.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 3:38 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

Oh, right now? Hell no I don't want to be with her right now. Not while she's still yanking my chain. I'm pretty much still planning on smacking her with the flaming 2x4 of reality on Monday after she gets back. My pen is ready to sign.

She has to show me she's serious before I'll consider reconciling. And so far, she's not willing to offer any concessions.

Won't terminate the relationship in a way that provides closure for me, I talked to her about how I'm in therapy, she needs to be in therapy and we need to do MC together. She told me tonight, "Well, I know you feel that way but..." and never finished her sentence.

It's crazy. Super crazy. On what planet do you have an affair and then think you get to dictate all the terms of reconciliation? Nuh uh. You have no rights, Ww. My way or the 2x4. Her choice.

Which, of course, will be explained to her in the morning.

Now, as far as POSOM's new message. I know, right? I mean... what a freaking loon!

I do like the idea of sending the printout to his pastor. But again, he attends an Episcopal church. They really are pretty fast and loose with sin. Not sure the pastor is going to care...

Hobbes is asking you the right question in my opinion. Do you need this woman?

Before I wrote that you should welcome her trips to POSOM because they are making her happy. The happier she is, the easier it will be to get her to sign the divorce petition, admitting her adultery. (You are in a fault state right?)

POSOM and your WW are deeply involved. They are in love. Remember that semen contains a cocktail of mood altering substances that contribute to what we experience as limerance. This is why she wants to see him in person and attempt to say goodbye by orgasming a few more times. This will just increase her addiction to OM.

If she were to break it off with OM, she might well relapse. All she has to do to keep the in love feeling alive is be in occassional contact via a secret email account.

Do you want to live with her for months during which she pines for POSOM and considers your touch to be watered down methadone when she desires the pure heroin of POSOM. That presumes she has any desire for you at all.

Who is going to pay for your son's college if you divorce? That reality may force your WW to quit POSOM. Do you want to share a bed with her just for the privilege of supporting your step son?

Do you believe you can ever get over this and remain married?

By the way, your WW is experiencing a sort of joy. Two men are fighting over her. She is that special. Let him have her. Let him pay for step son's further education.

Episcopalian, isn't that Church of England in the USA? Henry the Eighth set that up when he need to cheat and Rome wouldn't let him.

[This message edited by LongWalk at 3:50 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

Course, I could always put screenshots on the FB page of the church... That could be interesting, no?

Of course, I think Hobbes is asking a good question too.

As of now, no. Not going to reconcile, she's being unreasonable, still acting as though I were stupid. And I mean... just, no.

Now, if she were to show me she's actually trying. You know, mails back his shit (after letting me put a couple of rounds from my .40 through his phone) with a NC letter? Sure, I'd be open to trying.

Oh, and she'd have to be on board with counseling, individually, and as a couple.

If she did that? Yeah, I'd be fine reconciling. Happy, even.

But right now, all signs are nuh-uh. No way.

She asked me tonight why I seem so content. I told her, "I just had an epiphany, thanks to you. I realized my happiness doesn't depend on you. So, you can do whatever you want, and I'll be okay. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I do. I'd love to work with you to get past this and then spend my life with you. But, if you force divorce, I'll be okay. Because I've decided I can be okay without you."

And, I meant it.

Episcopalian, isn't that Church of England in the USA? Henry the Eighth set that up when he need to cheat and Rome wouldn't let him.

Nah, that's Protestantism... The irony is that Henry XIII took his last rites and died a Catholic.

It goes to show that no matter the denom, a religious cheater will always find a way to use God to justify getting their rocks off elsewhere.

Back to Knight in Rusty Tinfoil, he and your wife are in luuuurve. He is Lancelot to her Guinevere... The Heathcliff to her Cathy etc. It's not going to end well, either way.

Remember, he has been coaching her, any response could possibly be used against you. Do not even dignify his shite with an answer.

Ignore, delete, Barren Field of Fucks.

Ah yes. Barren field of fucks. I forgot.

Okay, I like the ignore option.

Still...

He's sitting on pins and needles waiting for your response. Let him sit until he goes numb. Don't respond. Nothing drives an arrogant, holier-than-thou, self-entitled ass crazier than no response. And you know he's arrogant just because he started messaging you. If you want to blow it up with his church, so be it but definitely don't respond to him.

You may actually get more of a reaction from the Priest than you expect. I'd be surprised if any Priest agreed that God was telling him to sleep with a married woman. Further, any Priest who'd done any regular counseling would know there are two sides to the story in a marriage and that guy hasn't gotten your side so he's assuming your an abuser based on her words alone. At the least, if you blow it up in the church, he'll know exactly who the new chick is showing up with this guy.

As for the type of Church, well, Episcopalians are a kind of a cross breeding of Protestant and Catholic. I went to an Episcopalian church with a friend for a little bit. I was raised Catholic. There was a Priest, just like I was used to. They did Communion. After service, the Priest stood out in the courtyard smoking a cigarette. I found that surprising but no one else seemed to. In the Episcopal Church, women can also be Priests which seems pretty progressive. They also accept the gay community. I don't know if his church is more relaxed but I don't know of any church that thinks adultery is cool.

I do not know what book he is reading but it IS NOT the Holy Bible. Which states if you divorce her, and if they re-marry they commit adultry. No matter if they are married the next 30 yrs they are committing adultry and adulterers SHALL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD.

To inherit something says your are His child.....if you can not inherit it that means you are NOT one of His.

She is walking the broad road and not the narrow path. "Wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction and there are many that go in by it"

I know you are gagging for a zinger of a response to put POSOM in his place, but TearsofLove is correct, let his sit by his facebook mailbox all day like a teenage girl would hang around the telephone (blimey, that makes me feel old), with anticipation for your very acknowledgement, and validation that he is some sort of "threat".

Let him stew, and he can join in with your WW in wailing "He isn't talking to meeeeeeee, why is he being meeeeeeeeean?"

Oh, I really do love all of you. You know that?

I'm not sure what to do in regard to the church. Worth the effort? Maybe, maybe not.

I really like the idea of making him await with baited breath for a reply which shall never come.