SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been reading this site and articles on infidelity almost steady for about a month. I am a digger. I have to understand or at least find something sort of makes sense.

Affairs make sense to me. I'm not saying I think they're ok or should be done. They do make sense to me, though. What I've found researching a la google is there are thousands of articles on affairs. Why they happen. Why men/women cheat. Mostly short and very "basic".

As I was reading the stories, the comments, the "experts" a bigger question started to form for me. Why do people get married? I posted about my lack of belief in the, "this was so out of character". I have found in my search, and even in my own marriage that there were so many warning signs and issues I glossed over, ignored, explained away and that's including in myself.

I've heard my friends talk about it, biological clock, security (I'm sure that feels great to the guy, not), fixing a broken relationship (yeah, that works), the addiction of a fairy tale wedding (this is ridiculous...how much time and money goes into these and how little in the actual relationship. Groom is basically a place holder), hate being single, "we've been together forever", hate being alone, attraction, love (hard for me to get excited about the same word I use to describe my feelings for watermelon), "he'll change", "she won't", "they make ME feel..."

I'm finding the more I read about marriage the more I understand affairs. There is sometimes more thought and research done when buying a car and the warning signs (knocks under hood, stiff suspension, bouncy ride) get far more attention.

Wonder how many have done some mental health inventories, and that's "our" mental health not "theirs" before entering into a lifelong (hopefully) commitment. I know before I make any further decisions and ever do this again, if this doesn't work, I'll have a far better handle on my mental health, my establishment of internal resources, and definitely a far better understanding of my "reasons" for doing it. I know the "why" is huge here for cheating (get it), wonder how much focus was on "the why" before the "I do".

Just my internal journey through parts unknown and unexamined. Thanks.

I think this is perhaps overthinking it.

Screwed up dynamics and participants aside, marriage is, at it's very core, an agreement between two people regarding sharing their lives together.

So instead of examining why affairs "make sense" in the context of marital dynamics, perhaps the healthiest goal is to examine why an individual who strays is OK with breaking an agreement without the consent of the other individual involved?

Screwed up dynamics and participants aside, marriage is, at it's very core, an agreement between two people regarding sharing their lives together.

I asked my WH why he had wanted to be married. His answer was that he believed that it was the right thing to do as he loved me and wanted to raise a family with me. He wanted to share a life with me.

It told me that his choice to marry was made based on social norms more than a commitment to me.

When I asked him if he had meant his marriage vows, he admitted that he had never really thought about it. As far as 'an agreement between two people', he hadn't really thought about that either. He didn't see his infidelity as 'cheating', just something that he wanted to do, but kept it a secret because somewhere, deep deep down, he knew that it was 'unacceptable'.

One can only have an affair if one or two of the participants are married. If affairs "make sense" to you, than marriage must, too, as you can not have one without the other.

ETA: And, really, do you honestly think people put more thought into having an affair than they do into who they are marrying? I know my FWH didn't. OW was just a vessel he used to feel good about himself. If he had known who OW truly was there is no way he would have involved himself with OW.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:37 AM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

Very interesting questions!

I for one gave very little thought before "I do." I always had such a fairy tale built up in my mind about marriage---oddly enough because my parents' marriage was so crappy. I always believed in "the one" and getting all my fulfillment out of a man and our blissful life together.

I looked at getting married as a life goal---something people "in love" just did naturally---without even bothering to think about why or if it was right for me.

There is sometimes more thought and research done when buying a car and the warning signs (knocks under hood, stiff suspension, bouncy ride) get far more attention

so true!!! that is the wishful thinking working...we will keep the marriage bliss forever!! ha, bullcrap (mostly, sorry SI i am not trying to generalize).

What gets me often is that my sister introduced me to my wife and both her (sister) and mom knew my wife had issues before we married and they never sat me down and talked about it. I also glossed over her life as child, her mom, her cheating dad, her cheating grandfather...the dysfunction all over the place. I figured hey she will love me, Im not an asshole...she will reward me with a life of honesty, love, sex and faithfulness.

What I got was a marriage of lies, disrespect, lack of sex and unfaithfulness.

I used to fly the flag of Marriage, because my parents had a great relationship and I wanted one too.

I didn't get one and my days of encouraging marrige are over. I will also say that I am dumbfounded when I see young unmarried people on SI trying to fix relationships ruined by cheating...not judging anyone, I just dont understand why they just dont walk away.

I regret tring to reconsile my marriage many years ago when my wife first showed me that she valued cheating far more than me.

You are absolutely right. My why led me to why I had been ok with getting married to my H in the first place.

Let's not go into territory of thinking I am condoning affairs. I am just saying that I should have paid attention to the red flags that were there. And I didn't. And I had to figure out why.

[This message edited by tired girl at 12:17 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

I agree that people should be more careful in evaluating their marriage partners.

But as for the WHY of marriage, I don't find it hard to understand at all. You are tying your future to another person so you can do things together that you wouldn't be able to do on your own. Maybe buy a house. Maybe raise kids. Maybe travel, or share experiences or hobbies. You will make decisions about jobs, finances, and family together, that are different from the decisions you would have made on your own. So you need a legal agreement to ensure that if someone backs out of this partnership, things are divided fairly between you. This is what marriage is. For me, anyway. When I hear about couples who decide they don't "need" a marriage contract, yet they are having kids, living together, mixing finances... I always wonder who is setting themselves up to be screwed over if the relationship fails.

[This message edited by annanew at 12:35 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

"So instead of examining why affairs "make sense" in the context of marital dynamics, perhaps the healthiest goal is to examine why an individual who strays is OK with breaking an agreement without the consent of the other individual involved?"

Interesting, I wasn't examining why affairs made sense, as I already understood that one, but just want to clarify. You feel digging and self evaluation is key to figure out why you may have crossed a boundary and had an ea, one night stand whatever and that process make take years but understanding why you have made the possible nexus of poor choices is overthinking?

Do you honestly believe the affair was the first poor choice made using those obviously fucked up processes? Should you trust a blind man to perform surgery?

I've done a lot of reading and research on this subject and here is my answer as to why I got married. Marriage was the catalyst to me growing up and becoming an adult. My husband would agree. We are two broken people who fell in love and have worked hard to heal together as well as on our own. We married at age 25 when we were just babies really. What did we know about anything at age 25?

Thankfully we weren't dumb enough to marry for social pressure, security, money, to have babies, none of that. We married because we are compatible, have great chemistry and we like each other.

'm happy to report that 25 years later we are still compatible, still have great chemistry and we still like each other. Have we had rough, rocky times? Um yeah obviously as I'm HERE. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a couple that's been married for 20+ years that hasn't.

Just my .02

"So instead of examining why affairs "make sense" in the context of marital dynamics, perhaps the healthiest goal is to examine why an individual who strays is OK with breaking an agreement without the consent of the other individual involved?"

I rationalized that HE broke the agreement FIRST by his neglect of me. You know little sex, worked all the time, cared more about his friends than me, etc.

I rationalized if he didn't take the marriage seriously then why should I?

hmmm... I remember standing at the alter thinking, I'm not sure about this - and it was nothing about him, but it was all sorts of things about me. I knew deep down that I had immaturity and impulsivity issues.

The power dynamic came into play on our honeymoon. I just didn't understand how marriage worked! What did I think it would be? A Walt Disney movie?

I've learned so much about what mature love is. It wasn't modeled for me by my parents, or at least when I could remember. Mature love is nothing like the limerance and lust when you first meet and for the first couple years. That's why I think couples should be older and more experienced when they marry. They really have no idea what it takes.

It's heartening to read when FWS's realize that the comparison here is more rationalization than some sort of fair balance of causality.

I mean, lying and breaking commitments DOES make sense when you look at it in the context of the transgressor's brokenness being the true source of the issue.

Even as a BS, I can appreciate the whole "ramifications of not thinking the marriage through" train of thought, but only an honorable solution is acceptable, regardless of what promises your partner has broken. Our behavior is ALWAYS on us. Nobody else. It doesn't matter why we did it.

Just chiming in about the young unmarried people on here looking to fix a relationship with infidelity instead of putting on Nikes and booking it....

There is still loads of hurt that goes on when someone cheats on you and you are not married. I personally wouldn't say I am out of the woods yet, I still wish for death pretty much everyday.

This site is a great tool for fixing cheating relationships...

There is also something to be said about the secure feeling tgere is being with a cheater who is willing to do the work for themselves and the relationship versus going out and continuing the cycle of inevitably ending up with a cheater. Again. And there is a fun generalization for you.

But uh, I seriously doubt I will ever get married now. What desire I did have was killed by my WSO's infidelity. A happy or even healthy relationship/marriage seems like nothing more than a Disney movie. And suuuure, my parents have been married for over 40 years and have a beautiful and loving relationship/marriage....so I must say, don't you think people in those types of relationships pull the wool over others eyes? Afterall, what goes along between two people in their relationship is their business and none of your own...even if it is mom and dad.

An even better generalization for everyone on this site is our desire to learn and grow....

Do you honestly believe the affair was the first poor choice made using those obviously fucked up processes?

Brilliant! ^^^^

No, it clearly shows error in both judgement and character, its like the great age or argument on SI, was it a bad choice or mistake?

Is it bad character or just a random error.

I say flaw.

That's why I think couples should be older and more experienced when they marry. They really have no idea what it takes.

More experienced at what exactly? Being older doesn't necessarily make you wiser. It's our experiences that make us (in part) who we are.

I was young when I married at 23. I was in my late 30's during my affair. I had the same sort of issues at 23 that I did at 38. We didn't rush into our M. We dated for 3 years. We waited another 5 before we had children. If I were to wait until I had got my life together before marrying and having children, I'm afraid I would still be waiting. I needed to hit hit a rock bottom to even understand there was a need for drastic change in my life. I was lucky enough to have my husband to be there by my side through it all.

That is why we get married. To have someone we love to stand by our side through thick and thin. To have someone that we can trust to have our back. We get married because we have chemistry and a connection. We get married because we are human and we crave companionship. We get married to have someone that has shared so many of our life experiences grow old with us.

I know that some people get married for the wrong reasons. I also know that infidelity can shatter everything I just said, but there are people who have affairs that still believe in marriage and love that very person they said "I do" to years, maybe decades earlier. Marriage isn't the problem. People are. We can look back and say that there were hundreds of red flags. But no one will see them unless they know what to look for. How often do you know what to look for until you have had an experience to warrant it?

Even then, sometimes to live life you have to take chances.

No stop sign, so here goes.

I found this post disturbing. Maybe because marriage seems like a very simple proposition to me: A tangible declaration of commitment that is needed for two people to invest in each other and build something of permanent value rooted in love. Seems pretty basic to me.

And the "affairs make sense" stuff seems highly disingenuous to me. Reciting justifications and pretexts for breaking vows doesn't really say anything about why "they make sense." Even when you say you know that these excuses are disingenuous, you show no understanding that, at root, affairs are caused by a cowardly and selfish desire to renege on a solemn commitment without having to have the courage to first say "I want out."

Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but this is just too close to the word salad I had to endure from my STBXWW for months on end, while inside I died a little more with each self-justifying excuse.

I don't see this as her being disingenuous at all. She is trying to go back to the very beginning and see why any of these things happen, do we spend as much time figuring out if we should be married to this person as we do to why the affair happened.

I know that after this experience, that if something should happen to HL, I would never get married again. Not because I don't believe in marriage, but I don't believe in it for me. I have learned that much about myself. And I probably should have known that much about me to begin with.

This is the point that she is getting to. Why do people not put that much thought into the act of marriage itself. After all, we have a pretty high divorce rate in this country. You would think that people would be leery of it. But nope, they run right out and keep doing it. Why?

This was a huge question for me to answer. And if any wayward spouse is going to be safe for their partner, and I am assuming that is what we want, then shouldn't all of the why's be answered? A wayward needs to be safe period, not for the marriage, not for the bs, but safe as a person. So if this is a question, then answer it.

Yes... I will never marry again if this doesn't work out or if he dies while I'm still young enough to catch a man.

Marriage is not for me. I learned this.

I've asked the same questions since DDay.

Infidelity is very common. It's a rare marriage these days you can pick out and hold up and NOT find some kind of cheating that has gone on during it. So many divorces. So much pain. Why even bother?

I also agree it's odd we don't put more effort into figuring out if marriage is the best option before jumping in, head-first. I think there are so many social reasons to pick marriage, but it certainly feels like it's not the biological imperative we think it should be.

And, as others have said, I don't think I'd try this again if it doesn't work out with WH.