SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are reasonable behaviors that any reasonable cheater and any reasonable being cheated on and any reasonable objective person would understand.

Wanting the cheater to repudiate the cheating and to distance the cheater from the other affair partner. We all could understand that. We all can understand that trust must be rebuild that the affair is over Your wife has acknowledged that it is reasonable that you might want her to quit the job, and she said she would. But she hasn't done it.

Cheaters who want to be trusted are happy that you sneak and snoop because they know by doing so, 1, they have nothing to hide, and 2, they know this will help you rebuild the trust which they destroyed by their own behaviors.

How you can tell by proof of affairs ongoing or not are by ACTIONS.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:22 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:23 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

The MC asked me today "what does proof look like?" I didn't have an answer for that. You can give proof that an affair is going on. How can you give proof that an affair isn't on

Is your MC that stupid to ask that?

You are entitled to evidence and proof with all passwords and past emails and texts. Have you gotten that yet.

Is your wife doing anything to make YOU feel better, this is about you, trusting and feeling better.

Ok, you said the tough advice helped . Here it comes

Less than one week ago or so you found out your wife was fucking another man every chance she got , and that she told you she loved him and might not want to stop seeing him.

Then you started to do some listening to what basically everyone told you on here in different words and you got some control and clarity.

Now here is what is going to happen if you backtrack.

(1) she has not even had a week of not talking to him every day for business and there is no one who has posted to you that believes you should put one fucking thought into believing anything yet

(2) you have done nothing yet but run to a therapist to verify anything she is doing and to even see if her boyfriend really is on vacation

If you want to sit there in MC after one week of this and believe that this miraculous new woman has appeared before you you are going to get shit on like you cannot imagine .

Read a current threads by a guy named SYBO and she's what heppens when you swallow all the bull shit because you are too weak to hold thei line. If you think what you felt last week is bad wait until you see how you feel when you catch her again or don't catch her and she leaves you and you sit looking at youself and feel like an idiot for letting it happen without even a whimper of s fight

if yku just now go to MC and that's it you need to just tell her to take the assignment instead one sending her other person to UK that way you can know you are making her happy

Every time you think you are sneaky just ask yourself if it is not sneaky to fuck another man for a year, laugh about it with girlfriends , and send thousands of texts proclaiming your love for another man . That is your future if you become Mr. Passive here now . It is your call . Some of these same people will be here when you get whacked again to pick up the pieces.

No one told you this shit was going to be easy . We weren't kidding

Marriage counseling? Stop it right now. Just stop going. Go to IC. both of you. until you're IC's say you're both ready. Why? Because she is lying to both you and the counselor.

Actually, ^ is great advice.

And these guys are right on the money. You cannot nice her back. As it is said around here, "You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it."

180. Play by the book. You're not hiding anything, you're not the bad guy. You're doing the best thing you can do. Trust me on this, if you break 180 or put off consulting your lawyer, you will suffer.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 3:33 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

MC? Really?

Tough love here. For MC to work there has to be an actual marriage. Come to terms with this.....your "marriage" as it existed before she had sex with another man, is gone.

Its over, she destroyed it. Now on paper you are still married, but the soul of it has been killed. Going to MC and being the nice guys will not change that.

Stay 180. Consult Lawyer.

I remember within days/ weeks after dday, I was expected to just trust her - I mean, she SAID it was over!

If I didn't trust her, we weren't 'moving forward'...

Of course, they were still working together. Had the same access. But I HAD to trust her..

She found I was looking at a spyware program - got very upset, because this meant we weren't 'moving forward'... I ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED! (sound familiar ICO?)

I look back now and am embarassed and disgusted with myself. I only give myself a bit of a pass because I was in absolute shock for a solid month - just a walking shell that occasionally burst into uncontrolled sobbing...

Your stupid MC wants to know what 'proof' looks like? (Sorry but sometimes I feel they are on the side of the cheater as long as the cheater says they stopped...)

Proof looks like total transparency and a willingness to be scrutinized at any time and in any fashion by the BS with NO attitude or whining.

Proof is NO CONTACT and being willing to do ANYTHING to ensure there is no contact. Like outing him at work or quitting and turning in the work phone etc...

I agree that this MC is a waste of time right now. I can't believe a supposed professional is putting you on the spot like that, making you look like the unreasonable one. I guess you should just take your wife's word for everything, because anything else means you are paranoid and sneaky... Crazytown I tell you. They are taking you to Crazytown...

I also got the "its' over" and found out years later it was not. They continued to work together but I believed her when she said they did not talk about anything about them. I lost my job form the depression and we are divorcing. You have been given a LOT of good advise. Its up to you if you take it.

I flinched. She won. I'll probably be back on dday #2. I'll check in now and then. Hopefully it will work out but clearly I'm not cut out for this.

Sorry to hear this. You are in for a lot of pain and you are going to wish you could be the sneakiest guy alive.

You have no officially agreed to an open marriage but to not knowing the details or caring about them unless you stumble upon it like the first time.

i hope you can still be so non chalant about d Day #2 when it occurs. Good luck

Repeat after me:

Trust none of what she says, and at most half of what she does.

Think about it this way: What are the odds that she's going to be strong enough to just completely break contact with someone she "loves?" I mean, if I told you last week, before you found all this out, that you could suddenly never, ever talk to or see your wife again... Do you think you could do it?

At this point, assume that she can't. Conduct yourself accordingly. You are engaged in what is essentially a cold war right now. You're MI6, you've got damned good reason to suspect she's defecting to the KGB. 180, observe, but do not confront, provoke, or engage at this time.

Did she go ballistic about contacting other man's wife?

Whoa buddy, whoa. DO NOT leave SI.

You need experience and support right now. You flinched, it happens.

Let us help you prevent the next flinch.

Been following.

Just want you to know that everyone here will listen, support, answer you whether it's in a day or a year from now.

SI'ers have your back.

Best of luck, and

Strength.

Finally, if the other man's wife finds out, I think you should be prepared. It's fairly common, your wife may be ranging from mildly unhappy up to going ballistic. Be prepared to what you are going to say when she screams at you, if it comes to that. She may say you are a monster for hurting that innocent woman, tell your wife that SHE is the one who hurt that innocent woman by fucking her husband, not YOU by telling THE TRUTH. Tell her we all deserve to know the truth about our lives.

ICO,

Please don't leave. Please don't give up on yourself.

I flinched. She won.

This is not true. She changed the game and threw out the rules you understand when she decided to have an A. She lost control of the game when you realized and found out what game she was really playing. You are in control of your life. Always. You can proceed how you see fit but please begin to put yourself first. She has not. Do not follow her rules. Do not allow her power over you. Please listen to this, no one here is chastising you. There is only support and knowledge here. Use it to your advantage and discretion. You are at what was one of the hardest times for me. I did not even function for two months, solid, after DDay 1. I'm still all over the fucking place. I promise! Two days ago, I loved him. Was physical with him. Today? Today, I HATE him. Who is he? Why stay with him? This shit is REAL. It is the greatest mind fuck I have ever experienced and it is largely self induced. Why? Because he changed the game and rules on me.

So, don't give yourself more shit. I know, its hard. But you are not at fault. You deserve everything that you thought you had before this shit. You have not failed. Again, YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. We believe in you. We are here to help you. Don't give up. Who is cut out for finding out their person is not who they promised to be to us? NOBODY.

Be strong. Be true to yourself. Keep going.

Nobody is forcing you into a specific course of action.

Talk out what happened, it'll be therapeutic. Take the advice for what it's worth but you have hundreds of people here who are looking to help you.

We want to help. Tell is what you are looking for man

what happened ? You flinched. How ?

Don't run away from your problems. Tackle them head on.

Nononsense has hit it right as do the others.

Ok. Here's the deal...you are walking the same path I did and let me tell you right here and now that you if you think you have been hurt now...wait till you go through this false R and MC dance with her.

My WW is some kind of anamoly...nononsense can attest to that...but what I do know now for 100% sure is that I should have pulled the plug on her the instant she wasn't remorseful and BEGGING when I caught her the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd time. I let fear and hope dictate my decisions and I suffered unimaginably for it. Her cheating hurt...her lies hurt...but her going underground while pretending to R was a fucking bullet to the head.

Get the hell out of MC and into a lawyer's office. Do not let fear and hope dictate your moves going forward. Only her ACTIONS can save your M...and only CONSEQUENCES for what she has done will show you if she is willing to take the right actions.

Don't be me dude...don't you dare. Find your balls...take control of the situation...and YOU dictate how this plays out from this minute forward...not her.

Me & my WW were in MC too...and guess what...after 2 months and I busted her ass again....MC called me and APOLOGIZED for having it all wrong...and giving me/us horrible advise He got duped by her too.

Your WW loves her AP...then let her go have him...take control and move the hell on. I just signed my D papers for filing today...after eating her shit for 8 months...because I was weak...indecisive...and full of HOPE.

good luck friend...be strong..take control