SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But this will be the very first thing she does tonight or this will change from a possible R to a definite D.

Do not tell her that. Tell her you want a timeline tonight? Sure. Will divorce if you don't get one? Mouth shut.

Perfect advice. I've got it.

For what it's worth ICO, I have been told that detached, emotionless, calmly stating facts/asking questinos Jobin is MUCH scarier than yelling, ranting Jobin...

So hopefully you have the same effect.

I think the request for a written, detailed timeline is an excellent idea for a couple reasons:

- you get something you can refer back to if/when she tries to 'misremember' something

- you will get to observe her reaction and response to a very straightforward request. If she has said anything along the lines of 'I will do anything to save our marriage', well now you can observe this very small test-case.

Best of luck tonight with this.

You want her to start on her timeline, have her read Joseph's letter first to understand why you need the details -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

My wife SOoo did not/does not 'get it'. I knew the feelings I was having at discovering her affair- disbelief- overwhealming dispair- blind fury- rage...

If I had done this to her, and I wanted to fix it, I would be beside myself and tilt the world on its axis to try and make it right. I have been with my wife for 16 years- I know her well enough to know if she is doing this. She is not. Tells me she dont really want to fix things. Why is she still here? Because I have let her- and the alternative is unpalatable to her. Meanwhile, I'm a fuckin' basket case. Don't let yourself get in my shoes.

I had her read "how to help your spouse" & "not just friends". She read them, but said she didnt like reading them they made her feel like crap.

She didnt make a mistake, she made a choice. She knew it when she did. She just didnt see any way I could ever find out- but I did- and now the world sucks for everyone involved.

If your wife is not remorseful in the right way, you will know it deep down. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS... It is rugsweeping. Now I'm in limbo because I chose to believe she would 'defog' at some point. Early on I somewhat bought into the notion she had that I shared blame for what she did. Now I know better. Now a year has slipped by and she's got her confidence back and it has made it even more difficult for me to take action. Do not let your wife plan her 'out' on her terms. Take action and knock her ass off the fence. Its the only way to keep your self respect and the respect of your wife for you. If she senses that you want the marriage more than she does, and she still wants the husband, comfortable home life, and her reputation intact she will take the affair underground- give lip service to your "terms of reconciliation" and pretty much do just as she pleases. Technology these days has made it impossible to acheive true NC. If she wants to continue to talk to OM she will. Your job is to show her if thats what she wants, it will not be as your wife.

Does anyone happen to know how to find people in the UK? I have seem some shady stuff so far.

I've contacted several PIs in Oxford. I'll get to the bottom of this soon enough.

Good couple of updates, glad to read them.

Make sure you don't your anger control you, you don't want to be slapped with false domestic violence accusations & restraining order.

Best wishes

Hi mate sorry your here.

I don't want to go over old ground but I think you and most of the posters are probably from the us.

As a Brit I can tell you that guys over here get slaughtered in a divorce (pension, house, alimony, child support, access one w/e in every two ).

You need to phone his wife personally he will have so much on his mind he will be sorry he ever set eyes on your wife.

Plus if your wife kicks off at you.

Well you Know where you stand.

Don't threaten. You already know to make a safe place for the truth. But in not threatening, you are also not revealing your hand.

Ask for the timeline, but do not threaten if she does not give you one. You already know in your mind what happens, and if your wife has an ounce of common sense, she will also know.

Ask her for the OM phone number.

Ask her for a complete and honest timeline.

And when is she going to take the STD tests.

And about that polygraph.

Here are instructions from another member.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

Rule 1 for this.

SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

Rule 2 for this.

SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

Rule 3 for this.

SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY!

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.

Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.

Set VOR "on" see page 38

See page 40 for adding memory if necessary

Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT

Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com

also

Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE

attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

ICanOvercome,

I have now read through your thread. First, I am sorry you are here. But I am glad that you have stumbled upon us during this time. SI has helped and continues to help so many.

So welcome to the best worst club on the internet.

My best advice is follow the 180. I struggled with it in the early days and I suffered for it. Memorize it, post it in your office, carry it in your pocket. Read it daily. And do that shit. No matter how hard. You're going to have to.

If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

While I never heard them fucking, I HAVE heard them talking about being intimate. Close enough. Listen to the man. Know when to turn that shit off.

WOW Unloved coming in right now is like Han Solo coming in when Luke was in the Death Star trench at the end of Star Wars.

T/J-

Nononsense- that is the best, detailed post I have seen regarding the best way to purchase and use (and conceal) a VAR. I needed that information months ago! Thank you for posting that detail because when a newbie has JFO the last thing you want to deal with is researching this. This was great information to share!

T/J over

[This message edited by Meltedchocolate at 7:02 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

Great post nononsense.

I fucked up a bit tonight. I was still steaming from the comment she made about another manager going to the UK. I assumed the reason why she brought it up to me was that she wanted to go. She said that no I didn't.

I just ignored her from that point until tonight.

So today I woke her up at 4 am to log into her work laptop, she had to go through an STD screening and then me to end off with.

I think we're done for the night. I'll get the timeline tomorrow. I don't think it will happen tonight.

You know that if she tells you she is going to UK for any reason your tell her to stay there. Right????

I am assuming her cell phone she carries around can reach UK. If not, you will not hear her talk to him in the car but may hear her talking to girlfriend. Do it anyway.

My guess is she will be using some cheater app.

You might want to play a little game with her in a day or two when boyfriend is supposed to be not working.

I would tell her she can expect a polygraph test and one of the questions will be has she had ANY contact with him while he is supposedly on vacation and not at work>. If the answer to that one is yes she has already broken NC

The OBS wrote me back on Facebook today. I can't be sure but seems legit. Feels better at least thinking that I reached her.

Don't guess at anything man. That's passive. Ask her for her phone number so that you can provide additional clarity

"Would you like me to give you a call? I am sure that you would love more detail"

You'll know it was her when your wife reacts. It may take a few days if they are on vacation and her boyfriend and her cannot communicate securely. He may need to wait to get back to the office to jump back onto their corporate communications tool.

GREAT job though. The chickens are coming home to roost.

[This message edited by eric1 at 5:04 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Like Eric said, DO NOT GUESS at anything.

Now my guess is most people do not check each others FB, so what did she say that sounds legitimate.???? If your wife had no idea you were doing this and it was actually her who got the message, I would expect some reply unless she is

(a) dumb

(b) doesn't give a shit

(c) doesn't believe you

Remember, you have not disclosed what her reply said .

If YOU were the OBS and got a message that your spouse was cheating, would you just delete it as junk. I think most would not.

If she confrontsd him at all, HE IS GOING TO GCONTACT YOUR wife no matter what she says during that confrontation.

He will either say

(1) I intercepted gthe message

(2) I gaslighted my wife

(3) my ass is in big trouble

If you wife says ONE WORD to you about your contacting his wife, then she has broken NC with him and they are already underground since he is supposedly on vacation.

And if your wife is ANGRY, that is when you tell her it is too fucking bad and she can buy a one way plane ticket to UK. Her response should be "whatever you need to do ,honey".

If his wife wants more details and YOUR wife knows you have contacted her, I would tell your wife that SHE is going to get on the phone and tell this woman what you have told her it is true.

Again, you are trying to pressure her to see where her head is at.

But it would help with any advice you want to know what the message back to you said.