SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your not a drama queen!! But the statement did make me giggle as it always sounds so odd hearing that coming from a guy lol

Your doing good bc every step of the way you are being honest about what your thinking and feeling .. We totally understand how feelings are constantly changing

ICO,

Believe it or not I can completely understand where your desire to wait and watch is coming from. Best part is the fact that you are being completely honest with where your head is at and what your reasoning behind doing somethings is. That requires a lot of courage even when baring it all to strangers.

But, and this is not to sway your decision -from your last post, ultimately you will still live with the choices you make so waiting to make the right choice so that you can live with it is, IMO, warped thinking.

What you are essentially doing when you play the wait and see game is to effectively keep you in limbo. This is the same as a WS buying more time by playing the I need space card.

You ought to know by now that D can be stopped even in the courthouse and that there are couples who've managed to reconcile after D as well. In the event that you reconcile you need to look back at this and be proud of the fact that your wife was able to win you over despite your choice to leave.

Read RoomMate's thread - He decided early on that he wanted to R but wanted to divorce his cheating wife and then gauge her remorse before committing to R.

Then there's cuckold's thread - He decided to divorce because of the apparent lack of remorse on his wife's part and move on.

What was common between the two was that they chose to spend less time in limbo.

Then read DoneGone's thread to get a taste of what living in limbo can lead to. He's slowly starting to come out of it and will have to make certain touch decisions now.

Whether you make certain decisions now or put them off, you will come to a point where you will have to take the plunge. In the meanwhile you will live in limbo and that slowly but surely saps your energy and strips you off your dignity. This is the only point that I wish to make by this long winded post.

Ok. Wow, been following this from the beginning. ICO - I totally lost you when she told you she was on the fence with OM and you by 50/50%.

Huh?

Is this is game?

Where is your fucking dignity?

That would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I have better things to do than be some suck-ass just waiting for my 'beloved' spouse to tell me when they get to 49/51%. (Hopefully in my favour)

These people aren't worth your time, in all due respect. You are teaching things to your kids that you don't even realize they are absorbing, watching their parents play cat and mouse.

Stop this. Kick her out of the house.

She can get a flat in the UK say, for a year, 'to work things out in her head'.

She obviously doesn't care about your children at this point, nor does she care about all your physical and mental health going through all this B S fence-sitting.

Really, does she KNOW or care what her kids are going through?

She sounds like an alley-cat ready to grab onto the next Tomcat if this one doesn't work out. That is clear on the last Var msg. And, You Sir, are not the Tomcat for her.

I'm so sorry.

You and your kids deserve so much more respect and dignity than she is even capable of providing.

I feel like too.

I know at one point she said that half her heart was here with me and the other half was not. I assumed it meant with the other guy.

She says she'll always love me and I point out that I don't want it to just be the love for the father of her children. I need more than that.

We talk about affair stuff sometimes. Not everyday. Last night we talked about it on a long trip home after a party. It's surreal mostly. It's like some alter version of ourselves talking about this horrible thing and trying to figure out if we can be something in the aftermath.

Last night she said it was so out of character for her to do this. She isn't sure if she is broken.

I told her we are both sitting on the fence and that it isn't going to work. We either need to be all in or all out. She isn't there. I told her that she had to decide one way or another. Not in a "you must decide right now" kind of way, but that it was going to have to happen.

In a way, I think she's already decided. I read about many affairs where the WS immediately feels the regret and wants to stay in the marriage. Knows that they love their BS. That's not happening here and I think it's telling.

I also think that's why I am starting to pull away a little more every day. We go through the motions.

I meet with the lawyer on Tuesday. I'm 50/50 on what I am going to tell them. I wanted a post-nup for the past few days. Now I am starting to lean towards the divorce. That's going to be a big betrayal in her mind, but not as big as the one she did to me.

I guess it is a way to force her hand, but I fucking hate limbo. I look at her and I see the person I fell in love with and married, but my head knows that this is the same person who did the single worst thing that's ever been done to me.

We never had a really bad marriage. We had a second kid who was really tough. We both got angry and distant. She had the means to have an affair. She travels and parties a lot on her trips. She got to feel what single-life was like and took advantage of it.

I think about single-life myself now and every day I get a little less fearful of it. Hell, I even like some of the thoughts in my head.

She tells me that the affair is done. Her conviction seems sincere. She talked about how I turned in the OM to the OBS on the VAR. She said "That's a sobering thought." Like I would just roll over a bit. I don't think she ever believed I would take some of harder steps. Divorce might be one of the ones I need to take, and soon.

She still thinks I am punishing her. That chaps my ass a bit because I don't see it. I want her to quit her job, or at least no trips and especially not to the UK. I don't hide that. I don't yell. I don't try and point fingers or say things like "this is your fault." Honestly, I feel like she's gotten off pretty fucking easy.

I get into moods where I get sullen. I spiral a bit down. I work through them. I try to get back to that happy place. Yet somehow I am punishing her. It seems so self-centered to me. It's off putting.

At this point, besides probably still wanting a R, I am still here for a bit of selfishness. Single dad of two frankly does scare me a bit. They are a lot of work. It's not a reason to stay, I know. If my kids were a year older I don't even think it would be an issue for me. I guess I'm also hoping she works through it quick enough to not disrupt everything.

If we go through a divorce, everyone will know something. Her fault. If I have a future with this woman, I don't think I really want people knowing though. That's a pretty personal thing.

ICO- all normal thoughts. Situation is evolving. Your head seems to me to be in a better place than it's been yet. Hang in there. We hear you and care

On FB we get these "memories posts" like this is what you were doing a year ago today... I opened up my FB this morning and saw a photo and remembered exactly where I was a year ago today. Know what I was doing? I was begging my XWBF ... I went to him hat in hand, and thought I could beg and it would miraculously all be better. He was already distancing and playing head games with me, he was already 'not all in' and i suspected he was with other women, or wanting to be and I did not want to lose him. So a year ago today I laid down all my pride and dignity and 'fought' for him. Truth is I did not want to lose him, I did not want to be alone, I did not want to be a 42 year old woman with another failed relationship, I did not want him being with someone else, I did not want to be on my own with one income, I did not want to hurt my kids, I did not want to go to family functions without him, or sleep in my bed alone, I HAD NO SELF RESPECT OR SELFLOVE .. it was all vested in him.

He gave me luke warm hugs, kisses and reassurances that day. And even though I was "happy" something did not feel right .. i still had this nagging doubt. A few months later, it intensified but I was afraid to rock the boat. I got into IC and started fixing myself thinking that this would fix the relationship. Four months later .. DDAY 1 HIT ME LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN. Six Months after that DDAY 2 came and finished the job.

The nagging doubt feeling you have?? That is your INNER VOICE telling you everything is changed and whether you want that change or not, its over. What you thought you had is gone. And the only choice you have is to love yourself.

Please do not make the same mistakes I made. Because dealing with this is bad enough .. it really hurts .. but losing all your dignity and self respect along with it makes the shit sandwich so much more.

(((STAND STRONG))) and Love yourself. Find out what that means.

EDIT: to add that a few weeks after I begged for him I had a death in the family and he came and played the loving support role and sat up with all my aunties .. a few weeks after that he was in the mountains with AP for the weekend and a few weeks after that he was in another hotel room having sex with her. Throughout that entire period he was cold, distant, hot and cold, with only one foot in. I of course did not know what he was doing behind my back until later. But I saw the signs.

You WW is not all in. The signs show that. You are headed for more trouble than you want .. trust me on that.

[This message edited by reddawn212 at 8:28 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

I told her we are both sitting on the fence and that it isn't going to work. We either need to be all in or all out. She isn't there. I told her that she had to decide one way or another. Not in a "you must decide right now" kind of way, but that it was going to have to happen.

Now that is a step forward. You recognize she is not all in at all and is treading water trying to figure out how to stay connected to OM while holding you off.

In a way, I think she's already decided. I read about many affairs where the WS immediately feels the regret and wants to stay in the marriage. Knows that they love their BS. That's not happening here and I think it's telling.

You are getting SMARTER with every statement. I think you meant remorse, not regret though. Your wife feels plenty of regret, but it is regret you caught her. So far not one statement of her wanting you, only "maybe' wanting the marriage to survive for HER convenience.

I meet with the lawyer on Tuesday.

Please do not cancel this one. You do not need a post nup until she commits to staying married to you and starts to fuck you again instead of dreaming about her boyfriend. Right now, she says the thought of being intimate with you does not interest her. If that does not change, and real soon, why would you need a post nup.????

She still thinks I am punishing her. That chaps my ass a bit because I don't see it. I want her to quit her job, or at least no trips and especially not to the UK. I don't hide that. I don't yell. I don't try and point fingers or say things like "this is your fault." Honestly, I feel like she's gotten off pretty fucking easy.

Please read that again. Because you broke up her affair, and because you want her to do things to help you marriage like not going to spend a week with him in UK, she is being punished?????? Anything that smacks of accountability or truth to you is punishment. You are just supposed to blindly believe anything she tells you.???

She tells me that the affair is done. Her conviction seems sincere. She talked about how I turned in the OM to the OBS on the VAR. She said "That's a sobering thought." Like I would just roll over a bit. I don't think she ever believed I would take some of harder steps. Divorce might be one of the ones I need to take, and soon.

THIS IS WHERE YOU STILL DO NOT GET IT!!! The affair is NOT done. Right now it is only on temporary hold because YOU took some action and have her boyfriend in a little trouble with his wife. YOUR wife is most concerned that she is not going to get her birthday present he bought for her, and the ONLY reason she is telling you the affair is over is because he probably has told her he is scared for his marriage and job right now.

BEFORE YOU TOLD HIS WIFE, YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU SHE WAS NOT SURE SHE EVEN WANTED TO CONSIDER STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE AND SHE WAS TIRED OF YOU TALKING ABOUT IT AND WANTED A SEPARATION AND SPACE FROM YOU.

Your wife is the pursuer here. She is going to ignore your request to not go to UK and my guess is if her boyfriend is still not telling ehr what she wants to hear she will NOT wait for the trip to be in November, but will just tell you she is going whenever she wants to.

You are making progress but your LIMBO is not going to be ended by her. She wants more time to see if her affair can restart and see how she can manipulate you into giving her what she wants, mainly the appearance of a marriage but no sex for you.

As everyone has told you, you can stop a divorce anytime you want, you can remarry after a divorce, but what you CANNOT do is reconcile by yourself, which is what you are doing now.

By filing you will give her a finite timeline to either rediscover the reasons why she still loves you and wants to be with you or not. Right now, she can take as long as she wants and so far she has done NOTHING TO GIVE YOU ANY INDICATION THAT HER FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE WHAT A WIFE SHOULD HAVE FOR HER HUSBAND.

ICO, you are never going to get hit by a lightning bolt that tells you you are 100% sure that whatever you decide is right. And by the way, there are plenty of divorced women out there with kids just like you who will make a better partner for you than what you have now.

Your wife is the pursuer here.

This is exactly how this sounds to me as well. I did a fair amount of research on this myself and honestly, when the WW gets this attached to someone, the BH is never going to be anything more than a fallback plan imo.

If you're able to live with that scenario, ICO (and many people are), then you're setting yourself up to play the waiting game to see what happens with their relationship.

If, however, that doesn't sound like a good deal to you, I'd recommend pushing forward with filing for divorce. You can always call it off if needs be.

That was a good and normal update, please don't be hard on yourself. You're handling this relatively well!

Keep talking to us, we're here for you!

Great post by nononsense, please read it again.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:51 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

we are both sitting on the fence

You are not sitting on the fence. You would jump at the chance if she just said the word. She knows that. It has been and so very obvious. She knows you are there to be here for her when she decides. That is why she is fence-sitting.

This is a truism - fence-sitting only changes when you knock her off the fence. It will NEVER happen until you do. She will NEVER decide on her own. You must knock her fence off. You must be ready that she may choose to NOT stay married. I hope you can see it by now, she is NOT choosing you. She will not. If you knock her off the fence, she will decide to be "single." She will maintain her secret affair. The other man is NOT an option other than as a side piece for her. That is OK for her now.

What she wants is just to allow her to be used by the other man while having you stable at home. Second choice, but only if forced, she would, push come to shove, allow you to divorce. Then she can tell other people that she was willing to try, that she did her all, but you did not. You can't counteract all her lies when this occurs.

In a way, I think she's already decided. I read about many affairs where the WS immediately feels the regret and wants to stay in the marriage. Knows that they love their BS. That's not happening here and I think it's telling.

Yeah.

Your best chance if you want to save your marriage I think is just to wait and see, let her sit on the fence, and hope that some external situation occurs that could help you out. At this point, nothing you can do can save your chances, but there are some things you can do to hurt your chances.

At this point, if you knock her off the fence, I don't think she goes onto your side. I think you could have saved your marriage if you had hit that affair hard when you first found out, hold up as a condition that she must leave the job, file for divorce if need be, asked her to leave the house, etc. Now even if you do that stuff, she has thought about it for too long, she, like you, has thought about being single if she has to, she, like you, has realized she will be OK without you.

What you need, for example, would be for the other man to do something for your wife to realize that she got the other man all wrong, that he is a real jerk. I don't think that would be if he told your wife that he had to end it because he wanted his marriage. Maybe if he had another affair to cheat on the affair he is having with your wife. Something like that.

I'm not sure your wife respects you. That is key to attraction. I have never heard of a woman who was attracted to a man who did not respect that man. I have never heard of a woman who respected a man who put up with a lot of disrespect from her. I think you have put up with a lot of disrespect from your wife.

I think eventually the affair with the other man will end. She will always think of him as the one she really wanted, the right guy at the wrong time and circumstances. Maybe some day. There are some guys posting here like that. One poster in particular, I'm sorry I have a bad memory for names, but his thread will be on the first couple of pages for either just found out or general or reconciliation, the cheating wife has stopped cheating, they are supposedly "reconciling," but the wife is doing stuff like looking up songs on youtube about how the star-crossed lovers had to part, songs on youtube about obviously related to still wanting the other man. That's no way to live.

Do you read any of the other threads here?

I don't see any unique circumstances on this forum. The same actions result in the same effects. Too much of the same, over and over. I wish there finally would be a thread where nice-ing the cheater worked, where being indecisive made the cheater end the affair and go back to his/her marriage.

I hope I am wrong for your situation.

Read this one:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566674

I am very torn, because I do still love her very much despite what she put me through. And it's not that easy to throw away 12 years. It's like a bad dream I can't awake from.

As much as the answer stares me in the face, I can't help thinking there is a way through to reconciliation.

I know she would like to save our marriage deep down.

Heartbreaking. Like yours.

I do read some of the other stories. They're depressing to me. Some hit close to home. I just read that one you sent. Different but similar.

We carry on like normal but we both know there is no normal anymore.

Also I can't find a way to look up other people. I can only sift through the forums one by one. I wish I could do a search.

[This message edited by ICanOvercome at 12:32 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

you can search by profile name only ... click on your profile and the search option is at the top right hand corner.

I get strength for my own situation by reading the threads of others .. i connect, know I am not alone and I also know my situation is not unique. It helps me. Clears my head. Grounds me. Keeps me going with NC.

If you do the 180 (which I really think at this point you need to do it) .. reading the threads will help.

In closing, a VAR is the greatest source of information you can have.

If you're truly attempting to reconcile, you'll have to get rid of it eventually. Your relationship isn't a cell and you are not her jailer.

If you're constantly having to play cop and validating whether or not she's being honest with you, that's no kind of way to live either.

VAR's, in my opinion, are a good way to get the lay of the land initially, but that's about it. Once you make your decision on a relationship, you get rid of it at that point.

[This message edited by Cuckold at 12:58 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

I just realized that because of her shitty decisions, a divorce is probably going to happen. Because of this, I am going to get fucked out of seeing my kids for half of their lives. She fucks up and I get punished out of my kids. That's not fucking right.

Welcome to the anger stage. Wait until you see the effects on your kids and realize that your kids pain is directly attributable to your wife choosing to get foreign cock rather than be upfront and simply discuss the marriage with you.

Infidelity isn't just devastating for you, but it's impact will be felt even further. Both sets of their grandparents will also 'get' them less, they may never see aunts and uncles again. Completely devastating.

On the other side, so many parents sleep walk through their kid's life. Much like I believe infidelity is a death blow to most marriages I also feel that hard limits on time with kids will truly make you appreciate what you have with them more and, in aggregate, will get all of you more out of the relationship.

Eric1,

That's a pretty nice spin on the situation. Doesn't make me less frustrated with the whole thing but at least that is something of a silver lining.