SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please embrace that anger.

It will allow you to demand the respect you and your kids deserve.

She is only doing what she needs to to keep you there and quiet. Even if the A is done (which it's not, they are just waiting for things to quiet down) she will surely go find a new one. She is not ready to say she chose this, she ruined the M, she broke it, and she is broken. Until she is willing to look long and hard at herself, you are just in a holding pattern for the next transgression.

I think you are starting to understand that. I hope you get good and pissed.

One other thing, you mentioned you were not sure if you wanted to D or post nup when you meet with the attorney. Please discuss ALL possiblities, the reason for that appt is to educate yourself to all the possible choices you can have, and how taking any one or all of them will play out.

It may piss you off or seem horribly unfair that you will need to split the kids 50/50, but also understand that staying does nothing goood for you or the kids. All that does is show them some fucked up version of what an M should be. Which in turn will make them destined to repeat the same mistakes. Where as if you stand up for what you deserve, and demand the respect and love any spouse should recieve you change the dynamic.

Slowly, it's sinking in. It's just taken me two weeks or so to get past the shock/numbness.

I would like to offer some perspective in regard to where you are NOW. The weeks and months following discovery are so difficult - we look at our WW and say, "Are you in or are you out???" It seems almost ridiculous to have to ask - she's your wife, right?

But there is a bit of post-affair recovery that has to go on. I have hated to have to admit that. Like you (and like all betrayed husbands), all I wanted was to demand action. But, in truth, you can't. No amount of threatening or reasoning can overcome the emotion of the affair - and it takes a while for the WW to break out of that.

So what does it? What makes a WW who wants to stay in the marriage able to break free of the emotional grip and re-discover what was lost in her marriage?

To me there has been two components:

1. Real and imminent consequences. Whether they be divorce proceedings, bringing in-laws into the picture to speak sense to her, 180, etc. All of these things make it clear to her that you will be okay without her - and that there is a very real possibility that she may soon be facing life on her own. Just like you are starting to recognize that divorce will mean seeing your kids 50% of the time... she needs to know that, too. And your comments about the kids knowing why? Oh, she better know that, one day, she is going to have to answer questions to them about why their parents split up. These are very real consequences that can help jolt a WW into the reality of the situation she has created.

2. She needs to reconsider why she married you. This takes a deep introspection that comes from a combination of independent counseling and work from both of you. It requires both of you to take a step TOWARD each other - a very difficult thing, indeed. In short, you need to agree to try. And by "try" I don't mean simply staying in the marriage, or in the same house. You both need to try to find what you have lost. It will be different but you need to try. If you can't even take that step... well, why bother???

It is very early on for you. On this board there are so many "must do's" that we throw out at the newly betrayed. And they are all correct - in order for the marriage to be saved the affair MUST be ended. You are getting closer to that point (although I, too, don't know that you are on safe ground yet). All of the recommendations are so overwhelming - and all at a time where you are reeling from the affair.

So give yourself time. Give her time. Set clear guidelines about what you expect and where you want things to go. Let her know that either she decides to work on the marriage (even if her head isn't "all in" yet) or divorce is forthcoming. If she's on the fence about the marriage you will NEVER move forward. The marriage will NEVER be saved.

Things get interesting from here. I hope they work out well for you - in whatever direction life goes.

Eric1,

That's a pretty nice spin on the situation. Doesn't make me less frustrated with the whole thing but at least that is something of a silver lining.

Having 50% custody is really all any parent in the US has these days. The amount that we work, the amount of activities that kids have.

If you have your daughters 50% of the time, that doesn't mean that the other 50% is kid-devoid. Let's say you have them three nights. Another two nights you could be involved with running a swimming team for them, or help coordinate a music team that they're part of, or coordinating a trip that they'll go on with with their cousins, etc.

Also these days your kids are are going to quickly be capable to reaching out to you via text, facetime, etc.

You're worried about the aggregate amount of hours with your kids. If your goal is to make your kids into the best adults that they can be, then there is nothing with 50% custody that would harm that (outside of living in a house with a poisonous marriage or if your wife was a bad parent, which is doesn't sound like she's awful)

I agree with Eric. I think as long as the kids have one emotionally healthy, stable, safe parent AND have access to proper professional help/counselling to help them deal with the divorce, emotional fuckedupness of the other parent etc., they have every chance of growing up to become emotionally health young adults.

I grew up with my parents who were fairly f-ed up emotionally and toxic, and never divorced. They never took me to see a counsellor even though there were plenty of signs pointing towards my need for it. I finally started seeing one in my mid twenties on my own. If I had a choice, I would have preferred my parents divorced and had one really emotionally healthy parent who'd make sure I started seeing a good counsellor regularly in my early teens and then continue to see him/her on a "on a need" basis throughout the teenage years.

Best of luck!

How's this for an idea? Yeah, you'll see your kids less. But you're already starting at 50-50. Negotiating skills will serve you well if D is on your horizon. How about you start negotiation at 100% you, 0% her? And then let her work it down. She left y'all. Not the other way around. You could have the mindset of "prove to me why I should even let you see the children at all, based on what you've just done..."

Technically, my WW and I have discussed this topic on several occasions. We've both agreed to be civil in this and go 50-50 with the kids. Probably shouldn't have talked about it since I think I read that may have set legal precedence, but what's done is done.

There is also my belief that children need BOTH parents in their lives. Yea, I could try and hardball, but it's for their own well being that we both remain in their lives as much as possible.

When she's not screwing around on me, she is pretty good with them. I wouldn't want them to lose that.

When she's not screwing around on me, she is pretty good with them. I wouldn't want them to lose that.

((((HAND OVER FACE))))

She dropped a bomb inside your home.

I share joint custody for my boys with their dad. We actually live on the same rural road. His farm is five minutes from mine. My kids love their life with shared custody because we made it positive for them. They have the best of two worlds.

When they are not with me, I do things for myself. And when they come back to me I am rested, rejuvenated and really aimed and so willing to relish every moment with them.

Life is the sum of our choices. It is what we make it. If she is good with the kiddos then great!!! But she sucks ass with you. .. you know this. Kids would much come from a broken home then live inside of one.

reddawn212,

Lol I know. I was trying to make something of a joke there. I feel that's where we are heading right now.

I think I am entering that acceptance phase and really it isn't that terrible. I'm trying to be a zen about it all. It wasn't my choice and I don't want to be miserable about it all the time. I can accept, work on myself, and move forward.

I get angry a bit every day about the betrayal. I wondered today if she emailed him while we were on a 10 day vacation and I am damn sure the answer was yes.

She left on 2/15 and fucked him that week. I'm sure her mind was on me for Valentine's Day. I'm not really big on that V-day but I'm pretty sure it's ruined for a bit.

So many dates go through my head, family moments, and I realize they were all lies. I deal with that on a daily basis.

I can choose to feel like shit, and sometimes I do, or I can pick myself up and keep moving. Without her.

Thanks for the update.

Even though you might be entering the acceptance phase, it's not unusual to revert to earlier phases (anger etc.) occasionally. It's not a linear progress.

Also, I think it's good that you've settled, at least for now, at 50/50. After putting that in writing/finalizing it, you can always go for more after a while if she will actually be putting them in jeopardy or emotionally abusing/neglecting them. On this, you MUST consult your attorney what to keep an eye out and how to document everything, and also have the kids in counselling so the counsellor can alert you to his/her opinion that stbxww is detrimental to their emotional wellbeing etc.

But for now, 50/50 is a very good place start, some dads are unfortunately not that lucky.

Keep talking to us!

Congrats on hitting the acceptance stage, ICO. It's not going to be a time to reflect back on fondly, but it will beat the shit out of the previous weeks up to DDay.

It's an opportune time to congratulate yourself. Whichever way you decide to go, you've made incredible progress and the only person who should be prouder of you that is should be yourself. You don't need to dig deep in this forum to find folks who weren't willing to be true to themselves and their families, and are still stuck in awful, hellish ad infinitum forever-limbo.

Seriously man, take a step back and read your early stuff. I bet you don't even recognize that guy.

And in five years you're going to look at that guy and hate who you were and love who you are. If that doesn't happen then I'm all for you hunting me down and kicking the shit out of me!

I went through that process of matching dates/times with her cheating to what was going on in our marriage/family lives. I will save you the trouble. She thought about other man every first thing in the morning and last thing at night every single day since the affair started. Most likely she sent a message every morning, "Good morning, you are my sunshine, have a great day!!! xoxox" and sent another one every night, "Good night, sleep tight, I will dream of you my Love xoxox."

That's all part of their fantasy-land of unreality. But they went there every day, of that there is no doubt. Many, many, many cheaters were tremendously skillful of what shrink's would call "compartmentalization." Look it up. Compartmentalization is the bread and butter of many cheaters.

eric1,

Funny you should mention going back over some of my earlier posts. I did that just today. I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Not following advice and trying to take my time to decide were the big ones.

I'm sure I'll make more. At least now I feel like I have a bit of a plan and a purpose. It was hard, and still is. I lost myself in the relationship and I'm trying to find out who I am now.

Yup. All you can do is not make them again and not beat you up over them. The good news is that you will soon be making decisions based on what is right for you rather than reactionary emotion.

In terms of what you hope to accomplish at the lawyers tomorrow, is there anything that we can help talk through with you?

I'm not really sure. I'm using it to explore my options. Divorce or post-nup.

Any questions I should ask? This is totally out of my league.

Oh, I thought this was great...I started taking dance lessons. She's pissy about me doing it, I can tell. So she mentions that she doesn't like being home along and that she just needs to keep moving so she doesn't fester.

I thought that was pretty comical since she goes out of town and fucks another man when I am home alone with the girls.

Following the 180, I didn't get baited into and argument and I really didn't care except maybe for some pleasure in her "misery."

OMG (((ICO)))) 180 hard .. your getting the hang of it .. keep going .. if EVER a WW needs a dose of 180 it is this one.

Dance lessons!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

stay the course with the lawyer appointment this week.

I have a feeling if you seek a post nup she wont go for it .. an idea would be to get information on it with the lawyer and have something drawn up for her. See how she reacts. Tell her if she doesnt agree to post nup, the D is your best option. Tell her you are in charge of your own destiny and she brought these things into your life without your knowledge and consent and this is a consequence of that. If she doesnt like it,,, too dam bad for her. Start being DECISIVE .. and when you tell her something be calm and mean what you are saying with every cell in your body.

ICO, just popping in to say I'm thinking about you, wishing you well.

The dates were a MF'er for me, especially the first few months after DDay.

I suspect most of us BS make a lot of mistakes early on. Good job self-evaluating & making progress.

Peace be with you (and all of us).

It's great that you're taking up hobbies. Just make sure you don't get accidentally involved in an EA or something like that with one of the women at the dancing lessons.

Best wishes

I personally do not feel that post-nuptials are something that you can enforce.

A small 2x4 - I think you're letting the VAR conversation convince you that the affair is over. It's not, it's just paused while the heat is turned up. The heat is turned up because YOU took action and turned up the heat on him by exposing him. Words, not actions.

The heat will not always be up, In fact you wife respects you so little she is already planning her next visit there. Oh wait, I forgot, she'd be willing to delay it by a month and also be willing to have you monitor her hotel room, forcing the poor woman to fuck her boyfriend in his. You monster /sarcasm

Actions.

You need the divorce papers to slap her across the face. You are now a man of action. Look at where words got you. Divorce papers are a consequence. She's felt only one indirect consequences (omw exposure). She needs the proverbial gut punch. You can always stop the divorce proceedings until the moment tenge judge hits the gavel. If YOU decide you don't want a divorce, then the post-nup is what you would require, but that would come after her getting served.

Divorce papers will also get you new info on the VAR.

I bet you $1000 that divorce papers make her break No Contact (which she's already doing but whatever)

Divorce papers will immediately start the clock on you protecting yourself legally.

The dance lesson thing - your wife has narcissist tendencies I think. You are a nice guy and likely exhibit properties of an empath. It's critical that you take action here. Sorry for the long post, but this is an important step.