SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I vacillate. There are times when I look at her and I have such anger. I scare myself. Other times it's love. Intense love. And yet others, I feel like curling up into a ball and crying. Time heals, right?

At only 7 weeks in, you're doing fine. Keep on keepin on, Walloped. :fistbump:

Basically, my IC said I'm a frightened kid, scared of taking the shortcut to school cause the neighborhood bully will beat me up and steal my lunch money. So, I'm taking the long way around. This is what I'm doing with her. Avoiding the issues because not avoiding them requires opening myself up, which means making myself vulnerable to pain. And we all do that in a marriage, but here there's history of her doing that to me and it's still very, very fresh.

A few days ago I said your biggest problems over the next few weeks would be complacency and anger. In my opinion both are very healthy things at this stage, very human emotions.

You can't really *decide* to reconcile. You can decide to be open to it, but reconciliation isn't something to be given.

It will not happen in one day or one year. Go to General and there will be people bemoaning the cyclical complacency they got into when they entered into half-hearted reconciliation. Likewise, there are likely people who opted against reconciliation who shouldn't have.

That's not to scare you, but really what it boils down to is that there really is no secret sauce at this stage. Will you ever get over this? I'm speaking as someone who wouldn't. On the converse, you have the most no-bullshit guy in the history of the site, Nononsense, who did. All the advice you've gotten here will honestly just help you get to a stage where YOU will understand deep down if it's going to fly or if it's not going to fly.

The good news is that all this effort you're doing right now is going to result in one of two things:

1. Healthy reconciliation

2. Healthy separation and co-parenting.

You're kind of playing basketball without a shot clock right now. Try to play and honest game, don't turn over the basketball and when the lane is open, you'll know. And is the lane is open, you still may miss the basket, but that's how this stuff works.

You're playing awesome clock management right now. The ONLY thing you need to do right now is overcommunicate that you haven't decided on anything. If you decide to separate, lack of disclosure about your true feelings will be the ONLY think which would ruin your co-parenting (either together or separate). Well, it's the only thing within your scope of control - she could go back to her boyfriend and then it would be moot, but it doesn't sound like that is likely at this junction.

On a more practical level, are you monitoring all of her communication in and out? When she is at the IC, is all of her time accounted for - does her milage match? What is she doing during the day now that she isn't volunteering?

Eric – Excellent post but I think you can decide to reconcile…

Or actually you can decide to commit to the work.

Sort of like you can decide to get your golf handicap down but simply deciding to do so won’t do any good. You need to commit to it and even then there is no guarantee.

Like with the handicap the more dedicated you are towards the work the more likely you are to succeed. But… at some point you need to evaluate whether the work and effort is paying off.

Walloped – I agree with Eric about soon reaching the anger/compliancy state. Both are phases you need to go through and both have their benefits and dangers. It’s quite common to see BH that “reclaim” their wives from infidelity seemingly lose interest in them once they realize they “won”. I think it’s some deep-rooted macho “don’t take my possession” thing but once we reclaim we start to see the creases and flab and lose interest…

Eric - I hear you. No secret sauce. And I don't know the answer myself whether I'll ever get over it - I just want to put in the time to see if I can. I think I deserve it.

Like the basketball analogy. Doing it best I can.

I am monitoring all of her activities. I actually confirmed with her IC that she's been atending sessions (she had to give permission for that). Her sessions are during the day, and are now at 3 times per week. I still monitor her texts, email, and computer usage. She's basically turned into a shut-in and the most voracious cleaner in the world. She was always pretty clean, but she's bordering on OCD. It's like if she just gets that one spot that seeped through the coating on the granite out, everything else will be okay.

I agree that whichever way this turns out we'll be okay, and if we do separate, it'll be done in a positive way. Healthy is the term you used and I agree with that. I've tried my best to treat her as well as possible through this and not destroy her. Mostly for my kids, not because I'm such a stand up guy. At times I literally wanted to strangle her. But my kids need her. They need both of us as well-adjusted as we can possibly be. And if not together, than at least as co-parents.

And my IC has recommended MC. I said I'm not there yet. He says there's a lot we need to explore together and while the time I'm putting in is helpful from a healing perspective, I am limiting my ability to see if she can be the person I need her to be in order to try and recocile with if we don't communicate and that MC will give us a safe forum for communication. Even if it's just a little at a time, it'll be helpful. I'm thinking about it.

Well said dude. I hate to see a "me too"! but you articulated what I was trying to say.

He can initiate a process which is conducive towards reconciliation, but the process itself isn't really one of those goal-oriented processes. It's more of a:

well, I'm pretty sure I am not 100% on divorcing you at this exact moment in time, I'm 100% sure I'm not in a position to reconcile, so let me do the process which 20+ years of marriage earned you and I'll be a pleasant dude and buy some time to see where the chips land. I can't promise anything beyond that.

Bigger - Funny thing is, I never cared about wrinkles, or creases. Not that I never noticed, it just never bothered me. For example, her stomache is a mess of wrinkles and stretch marks. She always hated them and would only wear a one-piece bathing suit. I used to tell her I loved them. I told her they represent just a small piece of what she sacrificed so that we could have the family we do and called them her battle scars and that she should wear them with pride.

Don't know if my perception is changing or maybe it will in the future. Right now, I'm just looking at the whole picture through a new lens...

well, I'm pretty sure I am not 100% on divorcing you at this exact moment in time, I'm 100% sure I'm not in a position to reconcile, so let me do the process which 20+ years of marriage earned you and I'll be a pleasant dude and buy some time to see where the chips land. I can't promise anything beyond that.

I've said practically this exact statement. A few times, actually.

Walloped, I know you have seen The Princess Bride. To paraphrase the Dread Pirate Roberts...

"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely divorce you in the morning."

Before you know it a year has passed, and the view is different. Just keep chugging.

House - Only 300 times.

Perfect.

Walloped,

I have been reading your posts over the weeks and reflecting on it a lot. I have similarities with you (same number of kids, spouse has been the only one I have been with, around the same age etc.). So it was easy for me to connect with your story.

I am almost 11 months out from Dday. I wish I would have found this website from day 1.

I consider myself very lucky, in that I have an extremely remorseful WH. My H had been so sick of living a double life (he was in it for a 2 years with multiple A's. Not emotionally vested in these women, more, they were occasional friends with benefits. Anyway, I digress...) I stumbled upon some emails.... he confessed to everything. I thought I would die that night.

He let me see his NC and approve it and he let me put a tracker on his phone, he provides me with his schedule and if he is running late invites me to come so I can see he is doing what he says he is doing. etc. So in all those ways I have been very lucky....but I wish it was as easy as that to then call myself healed.

From day one, I chose reconciliation. I say that, because for the past 20 years I had never contemplated divorce and then on one day...Dday, divorce was an option and I was terrified... I couldn't imagine divorce.

I say this because what I learned over the year is that I should have given myself at least a year to make that decision. I was new to this and didn't understand just what kind of horrific rollercoaster ride I was in for.

I was smart enough to give myself a year to grieve, and not worry about if my house was as clean as it used to be or if meals were as regular etc. I knew I needed to take care of me. I didn't anticipate the resentment though that deciding on dday to R would be.

I still am happy in R but it's taken time. I have called him every name in the book....and guess what? I didn't care. I didn't care if it wasn't Christian or if it would hurt his feelings. I didn't care. (I did all of this on car rides to protect the kids from hearing anything...they still don't know and I am extremely grateful.)

What I learned is as I grew more independent over the year I realized I could stand on my own and I was happy with me. I was complete. I remembered that I can't rely on anyone to make me happy. It's has to come from within.

So....that is what led me to being resentful over what I viewed as my hasty decision to R for my family. I told my H at the end of summer that I needed to stay for me. So, I took off my wedding ring and replaced it with a cheap ring (so the kids would not notice a bare finger) just so I felt like I had my say. I really thought I would keep my ring off for a long time but after about a week in, I had a conversation with my H and I asked him what life with him would look like moving forward. He knows I am gun shy now. He knows I can't trust him blindly like I used to. He knows it TERRIFIES me to put all of my fears aside and jump into a life with him again.

When he told me all the things that he envisioned our future life would look like and all the goals he had for us and our children, I pondered hard and the next day I texted him a picture of me wearing my wedding ring. I told him "I choose you. I will hold you to everything you promised me and I will not compromise." I put my wedding ring back on and finally have a little closure. The feeling in my marriage is different. I am happier married now than before which is crazy to consider because I was so in love with my H before...he was a great husband but I learned on day he was broken. He had to put in the hard work and learn why and fix himself.

I think when you have been in hell together and have to literally crawl your way out, you gain a connection with each other that you would not otherwise have. Going through hell together can bind you in a way that nothing else will. I believe when you get to the other side together, there is something beautiful and almost sacred about the experience. I am still a long way from totally healed but I am at the point now where I can see glimmers of light in what used to be the darkest pit of blackness.

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make.

[This message edited by hopeforthefuture94 at 12:45 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]

I am monitoring all of her activities. I actually confirmed with her IC that she's been atending sessions (she had to give permission for that). Her sessions are during the day, and are now at 3 times per week. I still monitor her texts, email, and computer usage. She's basically turned into a shut-in and the most voracious cleaner in the world. She was always pretty clean, but she's bordering on OCD. It's like if she just gets that one spot that seeped through the coating on the granite out, everything else will be okay.

I'm just spitballing here, but I think it would be worthwhile to suggest to her that she take some online courses or something which could prepare her for life after you, or on the other side, life of a stay-at-home-mom-turned-empty-nester which is only a few years away.

Plus it'll keep her occupied.

It's the other side of reconciliation, if you've decided on this process then you need to look at the entire process. She's more likely healing herself if she's getting fulfillment for her life. Instead her life is now being anyone but herself. There is a middle ground somewhere and she's going to have to find that middle ground whether she is with you or not. And your kids are going to need her there too.

She's basically turned into a shut-in and the most voracious cleaner in the world. She was always pretty clean, but she's bordering on OCD. It's like if she just gets that one spot that seeped through the coating on the granite out, everything else will be okay.

It doesn't seem like this sort of routine is sustainable for very long. How do you see her transitioning to something resembling normal life - or is it just way to soon for either of you to think about this?

She's trying to show her value and love the only way she can at this point. You won't let her be emotionally loving or sexual at this stage in your healing (and understandably so) so she's showing love by cleaning.

I'm so nervous? Scared?

You simply cannot allow yourself to operate from a position of fear. What's the worst thing that could happen? You could do something that would jeopardize your marriage? Your WW has already played that card.

You're going to make mistakes along the way. So is your WW. Healing is not a linear process. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.

(((W)))

She's basically turned into a shut-in and the most voracious cleaner in the world.

My 2 cents is - this limbo for her is killing her (and, you too, no doubt). She's no longer volunteering, feels shamed in front of her friends/family..possibly afraid something is going to blow up at any time - possibly with her kids finding out details.

If that were me, filled with guilt...well, I would hope to get into a strenuous work-out program...alone.

Swim. Walking quickly. Things to help clear her head.

'She's basically a shut-in' does not sound healthy.

You, obviously, get out there in the world, (TRY) to golf.., and been occupying yourself and also have work.

I'm no expert but I am worried about your wife's mental health and any effect that will have on your kids. She went from a very busy mom to a 'shut-in' and bordering OCD. whew - that's a big jump.

Has she had a full physical lately and complete blood profile with that?

Have no advice other than wishing you well. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, W.

I don't know, but I think things are too fresh and raw to pursue MC right now.

It's like you'd be starting to work on a project that you are unsure you are prepared for, or even want to tackle.

Once you started MC, you'd be working diligently (cause that's who you are) and maybe you'd realize one day that you did not address so many thoughts/feelings because they got skipped over. Know what I mean?

great post tomuchdrama.

Not to threadjack but you only have 6 posts and can't respond to a PM. Just one comment. Don't bankrupt yourself because she screwed up. You are giving her too much

I dont think it is too early for MC.

I think MC might be the right place to discuss boundaries, hurts, wants and & wishes.

If W's goal is to discuss what he requires or needs to see to R that would be a good place to discuss it.

If Mrs W is walking on eggshells at home then MC is a good place to discuss it.

She obviously did not communicate openly and honestly before & during the A so why not use MC as the place to do just that.....

HM

Very good point, Happy.

Just as long as those are the things addressed. Not to force the issue of "moving past," or "working" on the marriage itself, before Walloped has even made any decisions one way or the other.

But, it may be good to have a mediator to help Walloped see that his needs are met...

Western, tomuchdrama is a fraud and a troll. Click on his smiley face profile and read his posts. Pure BS. Walloped, thanks for your response. Brutally honest as always. It looks like Mrs. Walloped is really putting in the effort. This weekend may be a good time for an olive branch & to at least start a dialog to let you know what is going on in her head and how she is processing. No validation. Just a good starting point to develop empathy. All depends on how you feel, & if you think you can handle that. Remember the power of a touch. Prayers today for courage and strength to face your fear.