SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He just asked me to read the lease he is about to sign for an apartment (I'm an apartment manager). Wow, shit just got real. Hit me harder than I thought.

Meanwhile, he continues trying to hook me in-"I thought about you a lot today (it's my birthday)... someone asked me if I thought we would get back together in a year or 2...my mom asked me if I was having second thoughts..."

Crickets from me...if you are still with OW and/or not willing to do what is necessary, why would I even answer? Own your shit, fix you, say you are sorry and ask me to come back instead of this beating around the bush crap. You sit there and tell me all that is wrong with your life and never once ask me how I'm doing. par for the course from our entire relationship. That is why we are getting divorced, you never cared for my feelings.

I know you want to stay friends. I get it. That would be awesome for you. But since you've apparently viewed us as 'friends' the whole time, it's not that big of a leap for you. We'd just be going from friends who fuck, to friends who don't, in your mind. Easy peasy.

Here's the problem. You made me love you. You amazing, funny, handsome, passionate piece of shit you. So I'm not sure I can stand on the sidelines and be your pal, while you start seeing other women you think you could have "more" with. Seriously, I can't think of anything more selfish for you to ask of me. Except maybe that you seem to also need assurance and validation that you're not actually an asshole.

Um... so here's thing: when you dump someone, it ceases to become their job to make you feel better. You feel guilty? Good. You feel shitty? Good. You miss me? GOOD. This was "difficult" for you. Oh, and "painful." Let me assure you, it's MUCH worse on this side of it. And I need all my strength and energy to try to get through this, so yeah... you're gonna need to do your sympathy shopping elsewhere.

Today will be the first day in over a year that we haven't communicated. Because I'm not going to text you. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 3:36 PM, April 20th (Wednesday)]

So today marks 1 year since you told me you had responsibilities and that whorenado was nearly 5 months pregnant. A full 365 days since you tore our world apart. I told you that day I would ask you in a years time if it was worth it.....you replied I really hope you do, in fact promise me you will.

I keep my promises but this one would only lead to more heartache for me so I ask here instead.

So tithead........was it worth it?

Please encourage them to be with her and get to know her bc that is what's best to allow them to heal and move on.

That's what's best for YOU, Cockwomble. Not them.

You want them to ignore everything we ever taught them about how to treat people.

You want them to ignore everything we taught them about marriage and family.

You want them to ignore your affair.

You want them to ignore that OW is who you had the affair with.

You want them to ignore their feelings about her.

You want them to ignore what they see with their own eyes about her.

You want them to fall in line and do hat YOU want so that YOU can be comfortable.

Well, fuck you.

[This message edited by nekorb at 12:31 AM, April 26th (Tuesday)]

(long vent below - just need to get it out)

Wow, it’s been a hard couple of days. I just don’t know what to say. I feel so weird, lost, angry, confused, longing, so angry, soft, and lots of longing. Wishing that we had worked it out. Wishing that we were still together. that we make a good team and I wanted to grow old with him. Love him so much. Love his funny perspective. How smart and thoughtful (about some things) he is. Love how curious he is about the world. These things I will miss so much. I really leaned on him for so much – he helped bring people into my life, joy, upbeat spontaneity, I’m more quiet, reserved, not spontaneous, more cautions, not daring, and he inspired me to be more of these things. Helped me move out of depression. He used to be ok with so much, and then he wasn’t ok with who I was. I’m too safe, too routine, too boring, too depressed. Not fun. And I feel this way about myself. But I fear losing him because of the ways I depended on him to help lift me up, get out of my own way. And somehow I will have to figure these things out for myself. I felt we balanced each other out a lot and I feel off balance.

He’s been trying so hard to be nice to me which kills me inside. And he’s doing a great job of being a present dad – he bought a book for DD – I love you something like that in the title, and a book about how to tie shoe laces with practice laces for DS. And I almost cried seeing these – the only books he ever bought for them but here it is. Now he’s showing he cares. And he’s up every morning with DS. And helps with the baby. And while part of me is so relieved to see him stepping up another part of me feels entirely manipulated and played. Like he’s doing this to convince ME that he is a worthy, involved dad, after 8 years of not being involved much or around and saying how much domestic life scared him. I hate this I hate this. He took the kids from me at Tae kwon do last night so I could go to the gym. He makes coffee every morning. He is putting on such a show. And so wants me to go to (new state) with him not as a couple but in my own place with the kids. It’s killing me. It’s killing me. I wanted to save our marriage. I really did. I tried hard, and he just wasn’t up for it. Didn’t want to do it. And said he’s been unhappy for so long….i don’t know how to make sense of this. I guess I’ve been unhappy too, but I thought we could work this out. We had good bones. A good foundation. I just feel so rejected and unwanted. The pain is wrenching. It hurts so much. I just wish he would turn around and say I made a terrible mistake, I love you and cherish you and our family I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this. Whatever it takes to become a safe partner for you. but no….he is out the door and maybe – who knows right now with someone else. And will she move to new state with him? my heart is so broken. I know he will never say these things to me. This man who once did love me so much, who did say these things. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how we got here. I’m so sad and then I think of all the shitty things he has done to me and I get so mad and think what an asshole, and am I fucking nuts wanting him back. And feel pathetic and desperate. And sad and lonely and scared how will I manage being a single mom. Scared about future relationships>>>!!! Oh crap I have to date again and I hate dating. I’m so angry and resentful that he wasn’t willing to speak up earlier and either fix our problems or leave me with a sense of integrity. He’s sneaky, and selfish. Which sucks that now he’s been so generous to me and the kids. I hate this I hate this it’s killing me.

((Braveyogi))

I wish I could say something to take your pain away.

All I can say is, I'm right there with you. You took the words right out of my brain (and heart), today. I have these exact thoughts, too, and the exact same inner battle where about longing for him, then being mad at him, then being mad at myself for longing for him, and around and around and around.

Today, what I want to say to him and won't, is:

Don't you miss me? Don't you miss us?? Don't you wish you were on this trip, right now, with my family and I? Don't you miss my family? You love my family! You love adventures! But...you don't love me? No, you love her, now. Are you happy with her? No, don't answer that. How could you do this? It is so unfair that I still have to be in love with you and you get to forget all about me. It is so unfair that I see you all around me in the music I hear, and the places I go, and the things I learn, and I have to be sad every time I'm reminded, but you get to be happy. And shameless. And oblivious. And...free? I still love you. And I hate you for this.

[This message edited by iheartWA at 10:56 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)]

((iheartWA)) right back at you IheartWA. I'm with you through this pain. Right there in the pit with you! Glad to not be alone with it.

Having a really rough couple of days. Trying to stay NC. Actually, I pasted this into an email to send to him...but resisted the urge to click "send" and decided to post it here instead. Just need to get it off my chest. Sorry it's so long.

My darling. I miss you so much. I'm on a dark airplane somewhere over the Atlantic, and the seat next to me is unoccupied...because it was supposed to be yours. My love. My sweetest *WH*. I can't believe you abandoned me. I can’t believe you lied to me. I can’t believe I poured my heart and the yearnings of my soul into you for 7 years and you just up and left like I meant nothing to you.

I was doing pretty well, for being just over 2 months out from your betrayal. But I have now been sitting on this plane and crying for two hours straight. It won't stop. I don't know why now, particularly. All I know is that every time I think I might be getting over you, that I might be moving on to a better future filled with honest people and a partner who cares about me at least as much as he cares about himself, I remember you, and that beautiful illusion of normalcy and progress vanishes. It vanishes, and in its place is you. Gone. It's the big things, and also the little. Today I was lost in the memory of your grey PBS T-shirt, of all things. I know just how it feels to caress your waist on top of that shirt. I can feel the rough cotton fabric and your soft, strong, warm back underneath it, and I know just what you'd be wearing with it-those khaki camping shorts that I hate, and Toms. And I can feel your body under my touch, and your hair in my fingers, and your lips on mine, and I am just lost. Lost in longing. I can’t help myself. I'm “pain shopping”, as they say, but I can't stop. Because in this moment, I just can’t accept that you're gone. The idea of *OW* caressing your hips just underneath that grey shirt, instead of me, is literally agonizing. I'm so agitated I can’t calm down. I miss you so much that I'm practically hysterical, alone on this flight. You're my *WH*! Isn't that what we always said??? In the dark at night, or alone in the hall, you would grab me, tenderly, around my waist, hold me close, and say “mine,” not because you were possessive, but because I wanted to be your *BW*, and you were my *WH*.

And then, without ANY WARNING, you just left. You left to be with with HER. What the fuck? You made a promise to me!!! (And to my family, while we're at it.) You promised to love and cherish ME! You promised to comfort and adore ME. YOU PROMISED! What a liar you are.

This is just so unfair. How can I hate and love you at the same time? How can I long for you with my heart and soul, more than I've ever longed for anything or anyone, while my brain knows that you have WRONGED ME and I deserve better. But in this moment I don't want better, I just want you back.

It would be easier if you were dead. No, really. I'm not saying I wish you were dead. But, if you had died, I would be grieving your absence and longing for your embrace and missing your smile and your caress just the same, but I would be at peace knowing that you didn’t leave me deliberately. Knowing that you didn't lie to me. Knowing that you didn't choose to LEAVE ME. But, no, you did choose that. You choose to LIE to me, and yourself, about unfaithful feelings. About not being committed. About *OW*. No, if you had died, instead, I wouldn’t be forced to constantly imagine you happily in the arms of another woman! And not just any woman, a woman to whom I was very close. Oh, and I don't even have to imagine it, because I have SEEN IT, in public, because you have NO FUCKING SHAME, even though you are still married to me. Can you even being to understand what a VIOLATION that is is?? It is a violation of my very humanity. You couldn't respect me enough as a person, let alone as your WIFE (did I mention that you promised to cherish me, until death, in front of 250 of our closest family and friends????) to tell me the truth when you started having feelings for her! No no, instead, you acted like you were happy, like we were fine, and you carried on “studying” with her, in our house, on our couch, and I believed that you were just friends. And I thought we had a great marriage. I didn't believe that because I was naive. No, I believed that because I was always honest with you,and I assumed you were always honest with me. I assumed you wouldn't lie to me, because committed people love each other, and they tell the truth, and they don't keep secrets. And I did that for you, and I assumed you were doing the same. Can you understand how you have maimed me, how you have destroyed my ability to trust people, how you have violated my very faith in humanity?? You were MY HUSBAND, and I am STILL your wife (or have you forgotten while you're in bed with that...that...ugh). I'm not some high school girlfriend you can just leave on a whim when one of the cooler girls catches your eye, though your behavior would be despicable even then, because you are a CHEATER. Oh, and you insist you didn't have sex before you demanded a divorce, as though that vindicates you. HA, no, you waited one whole week after demanding a divorce to start spending every night in her bed, and you claim that's not adultery??? Can you hear yourself? Do you also understand that, I don't really care about the sex- you were emotionally unfaithful, with a woman I trusted (don't get me started) and you were not committed, and yet you blame me.

Well, this is not my fault, and I think you know that because you paid the filing fee when I asked you to. No no, this is your fault, because YOU WEREN’T HONEST and YOU BETRAYED ME and yet you refuse to take any responsibility for your actions. Because, no, it's much much easier to blame me and blame the marriage than it is to take a good look at yourself.

Well, I've finally stopped crying (for now) but only because now I'm mostly angry instead of mostly sad. I don't like either of these emotions…

Nvm, there the tears are. Because I looked to my right and saw the vacant seat where you should be sitting. Do you know what it is to long for someone? I think you do, because when I was away, you used to write me romantic letters that were full of longing. It's the most helpless feeling in the world, because there is something you want more than anything in the world. But you can’t have it, and you have been stripped of your power, and your will, and you have no control, no way to get that which you long for. And it makes you want that thing even more. Damn you for leaving me. Damn you for acting like a huge child and walking away from an adult promise and an adult commitment. Damn you for making me feel like a fool and a mockery and broken soul who can't even stay married. Damn you for ruining my self confidence. Damn you for taking away the pride and accomplishment I should be feeling for what should be a huge achievement- becoming a doctor. But, I shared that educational and transformative experience with you intimately, all my hopes and fears and stresses and dreams... And now this achievement is inexorably intertwined with you, and with my feelings for you, and with my ( former ) belief in you and in US and in OUR FUTURE TOGETHER. You have wrenched away that future in, literally, the most damaging way it would be possible to. And now you've left me, bereft. I have family and friends who love me dearly, I have a bright future, and yet, I feel empty inside, because there's an abyss, now where you used be. And the abyss is shaped like you. It's shaped like your hand in mine, it’s shaped like you pressed against me, it's shaped like our dreams, it's shaped like the children we talked of having, it's shaped like our beautiful past. And I haven't found a way to fill it up, or fly over it, of fjord it. The best I've been able to do so far, in two terrible months, is to face away from the edge and resist the urge to jump in.

(((iheartWA))) Know that you've been heard. What you said, it describes so much of what's in my heart and head. What a horribly wrenching, heartbreaking time. I too am utterly heartbroken, and stuck in the push-pull of loving him and wanting him back, being incredulous that this could've happened, being pissed as hell at his terrible behavior, and then pissed at myself for feeling so weak and pathetic and wanting him back and still loving him despite it all. You are not alone with these feelings. I don't have a quick fix it...i wish I could take your pain and my pain (and all the pain on SI) and throw it out the window of your airplane and let the ocean swallow it up. Sending hugs to you across the ocean wherever you are.

I feel so heartbroken. Please come home. We cna make this work. Nobody cheated on anybody, we just had a communication issue. We have been married dless than a year. You made a commitment to me and now you feel 'overwhelmed' and need to move out. Something triggered a meltdown in your brain and thats when everything changed. Youve only been like this for 6 weeks. Before tha tyou still loved me.

I cant take this. Im going to have a heart attack I just want our life back but a better version where you actually talk to me and touch me sometimes.

PLease come home. Youre my best friend and i dont know how to survive without you.

Even if you do come home i dont know how to trust you again. You were supposed to be the right choice. My happiness finally. Ive been through so much in my life and i cant handle any more.

I feel so stupid

This is just ramblings....

The reply I sent: No.

The reply I need to type out in order to vent but won't send:

No, you can't keep DS until Monday on your weekends instead of bringing him home on Sunday (as per the decree) because visitation time interferes with your babysitting schedule. The last I knew, kids could ride in cars. Take them with you to bring DS back home because it's neither his or my problem that you still live where you live. And no, I will not meet you halfway. It is no longer my job to make life easier for you. The few times I have tried to work something out in similar situations it has backfired on me so I have officially relieved myself of the job you fired me from nearly two years ago. It is not my problem that you have to babysit whenever your brother and his wife want you to in order for you to live with them rent-free. It is not my problem that you can't get your shit together enough to get your own place or that Thing 3 hasn't let you move into her place yet. This is your problem to work out but do not expect help from me.

[This message edited by lilies21 at 12:51 PM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]

It's not just business, they are your kids! We were your family. I am so emotional about the final mediation tomorrow. How can you walk away and leave me with the money pit that is our house. I know you hated it but you must hate me more.

You do realize it would take one text from me to bring down your entire relationship with super skank? In my life I have never seen a relationship as doomed as yours, yet you cling to it like a drowning rat. It makes no sense at all. It's almost like you have lost the ability to think. One day you are taking the apartment the next day you are not. One day it's over between you two and it has been for a while, the next day you are back together. I wouldn't wish your life on anybody.

Please stop feeding me the bullshit line you told your parents everything. You know I talk to your brother. Do you not think he tells me the truth? Has it not occurred to you that he might tell your parents you are with super skank? Lucky for you, he and I don't want to break their hearts by outing their son as an immoral, selfish liar.

Please stop calling me. Please leave me alone. Please deal with your crap for the sake of your sons.

[This message edited by Jaybeecee at 3:43 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]

Tomorrow I turn 40.......all those plans we had. The party would have been great, our future would have been great. We had so much more to do. Do you remember, do you care? So now I get to spend day without you, my life without you.......all because you chose her. Are you happy? Would you tell me truth if I asked?

Well I guess we are done. I packed all your stuff into the garage so hopefully you will come sort it out and take it away so I do not have to look at it anymore. I went one step further and BY MYSELF brought your huge dresser and my upright dresser we bought together when we first moved in our house and drug that heavy crap to the garage. Maybe you might want it, maybe not....but I'm just glad I don't have to look at it anymore.

We had it all. Our house was on pace to be paid off before we were 40 years old. We had 2 cars and NO car payments. We have 2 beautiful kids and I was working my hardest to provide a stable and easy life for our family. But you decided that having an affair was easier than working on our marriage???? You tried your hardest in your lieing and deceiving ways to break me, I was in a world of hurt while you left me dangling over then edge while you could not muster up a couple days together without contacting your "perfect knight in shining armour".

Watching this train wreck is not something I take pleasure in doing. Your bankrupt, manipulative, pill popping loser that you left me for is a great liar and really charming. That are his BEST attributes, but you can't even see it. When the mask falls, and it already has because you told me, don't come crying to me. I am not your second choice, backup, and will not be your saviour either. I am essentially nothing to you and the only pledge I make to you is to be the best Dad I can for our kids.

Thank you for showing my your true colors. I am still pretty young and I am well on my path to recovery. You are still on your way down. Thank you for not putting me through this in say 10 years from now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kids you have brought the world, but as of right now that is all I thank you for. Good day. I guess Ill see you in a few hours and just seeing you seems to ruin my day but in time I will get over that as well. Onwards and Upwards.

I've never met your rotten other woman, but I'm about to come to your new home and give you both a piece of my mind. I won't. I want to call you and scream at you for all the damage you have caused our family. I won't. I will vent here instead. YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU ARE A MONSTER!!!!!! A MONSTER!!!! You betrayed me, your faithful wife, who had your back for 27 years and thought you were an upright man who would be incapable of doing such a thing. You've messed with our kids' minds. It's beyond comprehension how you confided to our middle boy when your affair was new and had him actually have to lie to his mama for you. YOU ARE A MONSTER!!! For a year and a half I've held down this fort that you torched and left behind without any thought for our well being. I had to watch our older teen boys cry on the floor, our older daughter crumble. I was strong for them. I had to be under their microscope as they all have lived with me throughout this whole thing. Your lying about the affair as you wouldn't come home, your lying to our church, your hiring of your attorney friend to help you lie about your income and drag me through the court process. I've continued to homeschool and volunteer as I had to endure all of your lies, court, children distraught, EVERYTHING! Just when I think maybe we are gonna make it through over here I find out today you still mess with our middle boy's mind. He is MESSED UP!! I hate you for what you've done. I hate you!! Our boy told me today of his struggles and I blame you. You lying, cheating, selfish, emotionless, cruel, pig. Your stupid high school girlfriend just waltzes into your life 33 years later and you drop us all???????? To top it off, she was a lying accomplice willingly helping you to cheat me!!!! I heard your messages and read your texts. You both are ugly people. I've kept silent to our mutual friends, our business associates...I wish I hadn't. I should have exposed you to them all. To see our children hurt is what has caused me to write this. To see our children have to live in fear of your sharp, deceitful tongue makes me sick. I hate you and I will never forgive you for what you've done. I'm not a cusser, but eff you- you effing POS. Lord, forgive me please. I cannot take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All-

Your sorrows and despair have been heard.

**Peace and HUGS tonight**

Tithead......I do hope you have a very happy birthday and you have nice sunny weather for the weekend 😊

Really?!?! Your brain is that f***ed up that you think I am fine, my life is all smiles and happy happy joy joy. Can you really be that deluded or just hoping to ease your guilt? How about you tithead - are you happy on my birthday??

I offered you a second chance you idiot and you didn't want it. You would rather fuck around with a 29 year old who cheated on her husband. I am amazing, I have my shit together and asked you for nothing but your time. I hate that you don't miss me as much as I miss you. I hate that you told me I fill a void in your life and that you loved me, but not enough to stay faithful. I wish I could hate you. But I can't.

It is so idiotic that they can't see through your bullshit. Seeing you had posted those ridiculous selfies with the cheesy pose shouldn't have made me angry. It should make me happy because you are so transparent and clearly trying to attract someone new into your life now. And you are so cheesy they will think you are innocent and kind. You fall into the same patterns. But it does make me angry. I feel betrayed by everyone who pretended they loved me.

I don't need to be vengeful. I should be glad we didn't get married. I am glad we didn't get married. These fake people are not a permanent part of my life. These shallow people who don't care about anyone. You will hurt yourself with your weak heart and selfishness. Your fakeness. I should just feel bad for whoever falls into your trap. You don't love anyone. They have no idea. I'm not a victim anymore.

I don't need to hate you. I'll move on i'll move on. I'll find joy. I rise up. I'll forget you.

Why does your selfishness still affect me. I am trying to buy a house and due to income vs debt ratio it is costing me with every delay from the mortgage company and underwriters. You might say this has nothing to do with you because I am the one buying it. Well guess what dumbass I had a house/farm/land when I married you already. It wasn't good enough for you so we built a new house. Now I have lost them all because of you with nothing to show for it. You didn't care if I had to live in the gutter as long as you got your so-called entitled 1/2 of the pie. Guess it surprised you to learn that I could barely pay it off and pay the realtor. A damn realtor is the only one that profited from my 18yrs of hard labor. When I heard you lived with your parents, I should have haled ass, Of course your first wife made you so broke, you didn't have a choice but to live with Mommy and Daddy until you got back on your feet.

Now I think of it you were a big spender when we first started dating. I guess you could go out and live it up since you had no mortgage and no bills other than a truck payment and Mommy dearest co-signed for that. Then after a year you came to live with me, but were contributing very little toward the bills.

I see so much of how you used me all those years. Now I am disabled, trying to buy a house because renting is too expensive in the long term when I should be at my custom built home in the country. I should be playing in my garden, petting the cows, and enjoying what time I have left. I shouldn't be in an apartment, throwing my money away. I shouldn't be made to feel like scum when trying to get someone to finance my loan on a disabled income. I shouldn't be having to pay thousands in closing costs, down payments, appraisals, structural engineers, inspectors, electrical engineers, paying off student loans out of my savings, getting money from my IRA, etc... It is ALL your fault that my nerves are shot over this and I don't know if I spent $$ that I will need. I still don't have a final closing date and could lose the house because the seller is tired of all the delays from the lender.

My only revenge is knowing that you are stuck in a tiny apartment with OW as your soul company. That you couldn't buy a house by yourself because you wouldn't be able to even get the paper work you need. I am sure with OW being a minimum wage job kind of catch that you will live in an apartment from now on. You probably like it, Nothing to come home and do. Just come home, kick back on OW's furniture, watch TV , get drunk, then try to get it up. Hey...that's basically what you had at our house, except for feeding a bale of hay in the winter once a week, and mowing grass with the lawn mower that practically run itself. Everything else was left for me to do.

So you live with the worthless whore. I hope the life you have now continues to go down hill. Maybe you will drive by my new place and tell yourself how stupid you were to just throw it all away. No, I won't be living in a box under a bridge or in a tiny apartment. I ran my life before I met you and had a lot to show for my hard work and I can do it again. I am a survivor and you can no longer control my life. So F#$k off you sorry POS. I have a new and improved life without you and your selfish NPD ways.