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(((whiteflower)))

Why the fuck are you sending me texts thanking me for being so amazing!?

Apparently I wasn't amazing enough for you to pull your head out of your ass long enough to fix the shit broken inside you and what you broke in our relationship. I told ypu to leave me alone till you were in IC, AM and was prepared to hand over all your passwords and shit. So wtf is your major malfunction? Fuck off and die.

(((((SI))))))

I'm trying so damned hard to only feed my white wolf. But the other is so fucking strong.

I loved you more than life itself.

But...

I can no longer allow my love for you to supercede my love for myself, my well being, my morals, or my ethics.

I can no longer allow my love for you to direct me to make excuses for your behavior to our children.

I can no longer allow my love for you to exist.

Because your love for me was never real. I believe you thought you loved me. But the honest and sad truth is that you are so, so broken inside, that you don't actually know what love is.

I feel so sorry for you. I feel so much anger for the people that took away your childhood and damaged you in this way. They not only took your innocence, they took my husband, my marriage, and my family.

I know your behavior over these last three years has been horrible. But you were my best friend for 25 years, and my love for you was real. It's heartbreaking to watch you self destruct. It's heartbreaking to see the pain and sadness in my children because the family that they loved and enjoyed so much is gone.

It's amazing how the years and years of happiness and joy can be so deeply shadowed by your carelessness of just a comparatively short amount of time.

You have broken my heart, and the hearts of our children. We are healing, we are surviving, we will thrive again one day...but there will always be a scar on each and every one of us as a result of your actions and decisions.

My love for you can no longer exist. I cannot try to even hang onto a sliver of it, because to feel any part of it just kills me slowly. It saddens me that I cannot hold any love for the father of my children, but it's too painful.

I don't wish you ill. You are no longer the man I knew, or the man I loved, but you look so much like him, it's hard to be around you. I hope we can peacefully coexist in our own little areas of the world, each of us going about our lives with no thought of the other. I hope when we have to come together for those special moments in our childrens' lives that we can see each other and just feel...I dont know...maybe have a fond memory of our time together, maybe a moment of a warm thought of the other person, and then it passes by and life goes on. No pain, no tears, no anger.

I gave you the power to hurt me...and you did. I let you in and I trusted you with everything that I am. You threw me away.

All I ever wanted was to be with you, to spend time with you, to love you, and to be loved.

That's all.

[This message edited by nekorb at 11:00 PM, April 11th (Monday)]

Nekorb - I feel like you could be me because you write words that read like they are from my inner voice. Many hugs to you

So very sorry but there is a bit of swearing ahead because I am pretty angry today

I loved you more than myself. I loved you with every ounce of me. We had the fairytale, an amazing life, amazing kids, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world for so many years, and then you joined the army reserves, your dad dies and you moved to Sydney whilst I stayed back to sell our home and then me and the kids joined you. I would have moved to the other end of the earth to help you further your career, for our family to have better opportunities. I would have done anything to make you feel whole and strive to meet your goals. I loved being your wife, I was so fucking proud of you, so proud of our kids, so proud of you winning the sword of honour, of your promotions at work, of everything we achieved as a family and as husband and wife.

After your affair, I wanted to die, but you promised me you would do what ever it took, for the rest of your life to make it up to me. And I thought we were, I thought we would survive this. I believed in us, In what we had built together over our 22 years together. I believed 100% that we would look back on this time and say, man that was tough but we came out the other side better and stronger.

And then you got told at our first marriage counselling appointment that you were detached, and you realised that we were,still struggling at 15 months out because of you. You couldn't blame it all on me, you had to face that you weren't doing all you could and it wasn't all me. And then you ran away.

How fucking dare you. How dare you abandon me and the kids because you can't face yourself and fix yourself. I hate that I still love you. I hate that I still want our marriage and our life together. I hate that you have turned into such a selfish fucking arsehole that you can't see what you are throwing away.

You said you have caused too much damage that it isn't repairable, well why don't I get a fucking say on that? Why do you get to decide for our family? Face up to your issues and fix yourself. You day you are damaged from your childhood, well guess what you are repeating the same fucking patterns for your kids. Stop being such a prick and fix yourself. Stop the fucking pity party and be a real man and work in yourself.

Stop ignoring when I send you pictures of your kids. At least fucking acknowledge them. Well you know what I won't even fucking bother anymore cause why should I when you don't even say thank you.

You tell me you will be ok when I am ok, well yes maybe you will cause you won't feel so fucking guilty. Well guess what you fucking arsele, I will never be truly okay cause you pulled the rug out from our family and have run away from the damage you caused cause it's easier for you.

Guess what I want to fucking run away too. I want to escape too, and by God, if it wasn't for the smallest child I would have shot myself months ago. I crave it every day but at this point I am not ready to out that on our kids but by god I want it so badly. Cause every day wth this pain is unbearable.

I hate what you have done to our family and that all the dreams we were working towards, have been made redundant. Stop being a fucking selfish prick and start being a man you always claimed you were.

i'm dying inside, because of how badly you've hurt me. I loved you so deeply and cared about you so much. how could you keep hurting me over and over and over and I just forgave and wanted to make it work. I'm scared for my future, for my children's future. How you can go off into the sunset and find a girl half your age and start a new family and i'm left alone and scared. I hate you for this. For devastating me so thoroughly. Somehow i need to find a way to survive this. But today i am pissed and so sad.

After your affair, I wanted to die, but you promised me you would do what ever it took, for the rest of your life to make it up to me. And I thought we were, I thought we would survive this. I believed in us, In what we had built together over our 22 years together. I believed 100% that we would look back on this time and say, man that was tough but we came out the other side better and stronger.

I could have written this word for word. We want to believe so bad that there is a silver lining to our shit storm and then more rain just keeps coming down.

I've loved you for so long. Sometimes I feel like I will always love you, and that scares me.

These days you seem much less angry and more like the man I thought I knew. Is that true or is it wishful thinking on my part?

Have you done ANY soul searching since you moved out? Have you even TRIED to figure out WHY you fucked up? Have you thought about going back to counseling? Have you thought about leaving her and getting a place of your own?

Do you think about the whole fucking mess AT ALL or do you just try to *drink* those thoughts away?

How I wish I knew what is really going on inside your head these days.

I sat and cried last night. The first time in a long time. I just needed someone to hug me and tell me that it would all be OK. The first person I thought of was you and that made me cry even more. I haven't heard from you in months and that is really the way I want it, but it doesn't stop the pain that you aren't here or really never was if truth be known. That coupled with trying to buy a house on a disability salary is hell. I had a house. I had land. I worked for it long before you came into the picture. Now it's all gone and starting over disabled, living in a tiny apartment, watching what I worked so hard for go down the drain is hard. I feel so totally alone now. No family, a few friends that live far away, and a dog is all I have left of the life I once knew. I know you don't care what happens to me which is painful enough. I gave you everything and you gave back nothing but what I fought to keep in order to live. I hate YOU and I don't even know why I cry over something I can't change.

Could you please return my heart? I'm so sick of hurting over you.

No, just no. Please don't do this. Why now after 9 months NC......why

(((((Iggle)))))

It's just not fair.

I hate you. Pls die. Kthx.

And one more:

How dare you?

How DARE you use our kids against me? Who or what do you think gives you the right to interrogate them about how *I* feel about you? Are you stupid enough to really, honestly not figure that out all by yourself?

Seriously, WTF is WRONG with you?

We were getting along fine all week then you selfishly had to ruin it. I will not keep the kids overnight on your night. I know it's because you want to go fuck super skank on your 6 month anniversary. How disgusting is it that you have sex with her in her marital bed while her kids are asleep down the hall? You are both still married, no matter how much you try you can't justify that level of amoral behavior.

You think you are a good father-newsflash-a good father never would have done to his family what you did. A good father would have tried to put the marriage back together not had an affair to meet his own selfish needs.

You claim I didn't listen to you for the past 2 years. You sure about that? If I was such a horrible listener, why do you keep calling me and talking to me about all your problems?

Will you ever get it through your thick selfish skull that the issues in the marriage could never be fixed while you were still having an affair? You are so selfish you refuse to admit that you would rather have the feel good affair than deal with all the work necessary to fix the cracks in the marriage

You and super skank do deserve each other, however you are exactly alike with your selfishness, over dramatic behavior and lack of self control, that eventually you will self destruct.

At that point, you will be correct in the statement you made to me this week, you will be divorced alone and broke. What you failed to realize is that when you chose to leave me, that was what I thought my fate would be. Now I see that even if that is my fate, it's better than being married to your selfish ass one minute longer.

Stop contacting me. I haven't talked to you since Jan 6th and will never respond to you again.

You will not get anything more from me. Your boyfriends lawsuit will be dismissed and I fulfilled every letter of our divorce agreement. If you push this to a court a judge will laugh in your face.

You said you really wanted the chairs back. I don't care what you really want. I don't care about the chairs but I am not going to lift a finger for you ever again.

I am toying with the idea of seeing what's out there and the site I was looking at put ex's profile right up front. God help me I couldn't stop myself.

To ex-

I love the part where you say you have taken time to work on himself- the divorce was only filed last month and final last week. Must be one hell of a therapist you're seeing to counter 8 years of lying and manipulation inherent to your personality.

I also love how under the photo of you with our son you say he's with you a couple of days a month but conveniently leave out the part where you flat out refused to take more parenting time than the bare minimum listed on the state's parenting plan. And how on your very first weekend of visitation you backed out of half of it.

The part where you say you are a good listener and share your feelings easily, well I have 3 years of marriage counseling sessions and years of experience that say otherwise.

When you talk about your band and how popular it is, you left off how you refuse to have a dime of gig money go towards child support because you "barely break even" on your music.

Where you say you have an exciting trip to Europe this summer you leave out the part where you were only able to take the gigs that paid for it because I was home taking care of our son and apparently providing free babysitting to subsidize your get away.

Goodbye, psychopathic gonk. If you ever were actually curious enough to seek me out on this forum, I want you to know, I know what you are. I saw you, and that is why you cannot bear me. I know how empty you are inside and what a shell you and your ugly, boxy life are. I know how much and how far you manipulate, and I know why. You know there is no other way of staying in a relationship. The only way you can relate to others is to use and destroy. You fear being seen above everything, and I saw you. Ha. Ha. Ha. Stupid gonk, I got you, now, piss off and go and screw whoever you want. I wish I could stop you from doing more harm, but you're too clever for that, aren't you. And you know damn well that to get satisfaction from things like that only makes you a miserable, envious, inert piece of shit. You envied the life in me and, stupid gonk, that is why you had to kill me. Well, I'm alive, more than you'll ever be, and you are going to die alone and unloved. Nobody will ever love you for what you are, because you don't have an inner being as such. I didn't love you. I loved, but I loved an image. How sad for both of us, isn't it. You are a shell and you know it. Enjoy your soulless existence. I'M ALIVE and I'm beautiful.

Dear SI members,

it's been a while, because I am mostly on a forum for survivors of psychopathic relationships. Thank you all for your support when I was on here more. NC is very, very easy now, as anything else is just symbolic murder, repeatedly.

I read over your posts and I feel so sad. TrustGone, hugs to you.

Thank you, and stay with the NC. Hugs to all.

[This message edited by Opinionsplease at 2:07 AM, April 18th (Monday)]

I really hate your smug face when you walk in the damn door! Only 3 days left and you will be out of my house and out of my life! How dare you tell people I wanted to abort our child and if it wasn't for you they wouldn't be around! What kind of delusional world are you living in? Your mask is slipping off and I can't wait until you reveal your true self to the world! Your brother already knows what a manipulator you are and won't speak to you. You think that is because of me telling the truth, but it's actually your own behavior that caused this! Yes there are people in this world that live by a moral code, even when it doesn't benifit them! They are called human beings with a sense of compassion for their fellow man! Your compassion reaches as far as your left testicle! I can't wait until your girlfriend has a need and expects reciprocity in your relationship! Boy is she in for a big surprise! Also your new hipster haircut looks ridiculous- I'm sorry to break it to you but you are not 20 something! It's really sad when your 15 year old daughter says you are acting like a teenager and asks me if I can make you stop sleeping around! I really hope there is such a thing as karma and it tackles your ass to the ground. I can not beleive I called you my husband for almost 18 years. I'm glad you think your 6 months of therapy was your cure for years of porn, dating sites and prostitutes, and thousand on strip clubs! Of course those things were all my fault too because "you didn't know how to get out of the marriage". Wow, I am surprised that you are able to hold down such a high level job if you can't even figure out how to get out of a marriage like a normal adult. I wonder what your coworkers think when you tell them your victim story of woe. It's convient that you've come to this realization after you realized I was not going to back off the divorce. Now your living in a delusional world where you beleive your right to be happy comes at the expense of those around you. I hope you tell that to the cop that arrests you for soliciting prositutes, or when you get caught drinking and driving, or the day your kids look at you on your death bed and say what a shitty father you were because your happiness was all that mattered. I can't wait until you legally have to be responsible for your time with the kids and you realize it is more than throwing money at them. I really despise you like no other person on earth. If we were the last two people on the planet the human race would no longer exist. I was so busy trying to make you happy that I denied how selfish and arrogant you are. The day karma comes for you I will stand there and laugh - I won't feel bad for it eaither, because just like you, I'll tell myself I'm a good person and I know what I want - to see karma kick your ass! You go ahead and spread your lies, which I'm sure some people will beleive, but you no longer have me fooled. You are a manipulative pathological liar!

Oh, and I just found out that "work trip" you have scheduled and had to adjust your parenting schedule for is actually an event for you and your girlfriends new business. We are still married and I am not paying for you to take your girlfriend on trips! You will be paying me back the $1000. you spent on that hotel room!

This all after you send texts to your brother saying you need to live an open and honest life! I can not believe what a fucking liar you are! When your coworkers are helping you move this weekend I will happen to mention your upcoming work trip and say what a lovely hotel your company has chosen for the event! I can't wait to see what their response is going to be.

[This message edited by get-a-brain at 10:32 AM, April 20th (Wednesday)]

What do you think now that the D is final the past few months? Do you miss us? You are so removed from our daily lives. You don't even have custody of your kids. I can't believe you're the same man that went through infertility treatments with me for 3 years and found the best male factor infertility specialist in the country and we traveled across country to him. Oh wait, that's right, in the deposition you said you never wanted kids. I did. And you never had a chance to even make that decision because I made it for you.

I still can't believe you were capable of doing this. You, out of every man I know around here. You were the last person I thought could do this. You had such a strong set of morals. You didn't have a wondering eye. You seemed to be so in love with me as I was with you. We never insulted each other or yelled at each other or disrespected each other. But what you did is disgusting when the A started. Not only did you disrespect me but you mentally and emotionally abused me.

You had such a strong sense of morals you wouldn't even live together before marriage. You didn't ever want a girl that's been around. Wow, have your priorities changed. Would you want your kids to have the same set of morals? Who are you?

I'm ok, kids and are will continue to be ok. I'm recovered and living in peace. But what to do with those memories. We had dreams for our family, we have beautiful memories.

Kids don't ask to be born into this world. We invite them in. You had a responsibility to them. They have enough hurt as they go through life. This hurt was preventable.

But it's ok. They are 6.5 and barely remember you living with us. It is their norm now. But shouldn't have had to be.