SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't possibly guess what's going on in your head.... it is still stuck so far up your own arse.

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone in there?

.... obviously not.

Creep!

You say this isn't a competition and you're right; you're no prize.

I'm sorry the downgrades you lined up didn't work out. I'm sorry women aren't lining up around the block to have no-strings-attached sexy times with your awesomeness.

I don't want to be your friend.

What the fuck is WRONG with you?

You have no fucking idea what your talking about with the kids' college funds, and you'd rather pocket the extra funds instead of helping out one of the kids with a car?

Selfish bastard. That's what you are.

I really hate you today.

Yesterday, I graduated from med school.

And you had the...the...nerve?...guts?...cluelessness?...to send me an email that said "Congrats on graduating."

Ummm, WHAT? WTF???

I'm not your "friend." And I'm DEFINITELY not just some acquaintance! You say "congrats" to your acquaintances when they get a new job. You say "congrats" coworkers when they get engaged. You say "congrats" to people you don't know very well when you hear he or she did something vaguely interesting. You say "congrats" when you weren't intimately involved in the entire process leading to the achievement...CONGRATS??? I'm...speechless.

I'm not your friend! You can't just LEAVE ME to be with HER, without looking back, and then say "congrats!"!!!! You can't make small talk with me! Helllllllo, there will NEVER be small talk between us! Because, to me, everything you say is actually "BIG" talk. Everything you say is imbued with weight and significance and implied emotions and references to our past...So. Fuck you. Don't you DARE congratulate me. You are so deep in the fog still. So deep. It's unbelievable. You have no boundaries. You have no sense. You have NO UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

I miss you so much. More than anything in the world I just want to hug and kiss you.

I'm so scared you've already forgotten me.

I just want to be loved.

We were meant to be we just did it wrong.

My heart is shattered, my days are meaningless.

I want our family back.

I can't believe you signed a lease......I don't even know what else you are doing...I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

I want to talk and laugh with you.

I want to go on adventures.

Why did we have to learn this lesson the hard way? Please come back so we can do this right with all of our new tools.

I love you always <3

Please just don't forget me, don't stop loving me.

Why do you have the nerve to look into my families cars when you run into each other on the road? What are you looking for? You chose who you wanted so stop disrespecting her and stop looking for us!!!! You had the nerve when you were in your car with her to catch up to my uncle and make it obvious you were looking for someone in his car! Who are u looking for? Me? So you can try and lie some more or are you looking for the daughter you abandoned twice before her 4th birthday? I sometimes feel sorry for OW because she doesn't know what you really are and I wish I could warn her but I'm sure she wont listen since she's under your spell. I use to be angry at her but I just feel sorry for her for staying with you after you cheated on her with me, you lied about having a family and I'm sure more....what kind of person would take that kind of shit? A weak one. I'm glad you left us I have accomplished so much more in a few weeks of not being in contact with you than I accomplished through our whole relationship and this is only the beginning better things are coming for us like I told you just wait and watch I'll show you. You told me I'd never amount to anything we will see about that!!! Asshole.

So, here we are. Your 50th birthday. A day we were supposed to be in Hawaii, having a blast on our first ever vacation other than a weekend away here or there. I spent nearly 30 years pining for this vacation...and where am I? Where are you? I bet you're there, or somewhere else fabulous...with her. I'm alone, so very alone. STILL.

When we were in our early 30's and your heart went to shit, the doctors said today potentially would never arrive. So, you took it to heart. ..Hell, yeah, you did! It scared us ALL, you know? We were good enough to keep you company, entertain you & me be your nursemaid -until we weren't...

You waited till "the end", then freaked out and had a mid life crisis ("end of life" crisis?! As if you have a fucking expiration date stamped on your forehead!). Thoughtlessly tossing away those who stood by you, who loved you, who cared for you. We no longer held value. No longer "fun" enough, or good enough for you.

You make minimal effort with with DS. An email here or there when you're "lonely" (read 'bored' more accurately, since the only days you email him are ones you're away from OW). It's enough fur him, I guess. He doesn't discuss you.

You've tossed DD aside, just like me. We're no longer of use to you, so we simply fell off the face of the Earth. Yet DD is strugging today. She's trying to decide if she should wish you happy birthday.

I told her to do what she feels is best in her heart.

You didn't wish her Merry Christmas, happy new year, or even see/send a text with 'goodbye' before we moved several states away!

What an awesome dad you are!

I hope today brings you the happiness you deserve. One thing for certain, you won't hear jack shit from ME!

Fuck you both.

What he's getting: crickets.

What I want to text back: STOP TEXTING ME, DUMBASS!

He texts any little thing these days. Unless it's a time sensitive issue, I just email him a day or so later if a response is required. If it's about DS's school, I give him crickets because he should know to contact the school. Today's texts: two about DS's school and one about baseball. No questions that he actually needs to direct to me. I imagine he must be bored. Can't his newest vagina text during the day?

Sorry lilies, I know asshat is making you bonkers!

*BUT* this....

I imagine he must be bored. Can't his newest vagina text during the day?

...gave me a giggle I needed really badly today!

Today is two weeks since I found out and it feels like a lifetime of pain already. I'm still not eating, living on ensure shakes to keep me going. I've got prescription sleeping pills which allow me to get as much as 6 hours of sleep a night. I'm getting used to waking up in a cold sweat.

I've registered my cell phone under my own account and not on the family plan. I've opened a second bank account. I live in fear every time I use the joint account that it will no longer work. I've seen a lawyer and now I'm waiting for the money I had to borrow to pay the retainer to clear in my new account so I can continue moving on.

I've told my daughter that "Mommy and Daddy don't like each other anymore, but still love her very much." It was all I could do to bite my tongue when she asked why. I'm answering her questions as she asks them. She doesn't seem bothered on the surface, but she's started sucking her thumb again.

I created a google calendar to let you know when I'd be where so there would be no risk of you saying I have abandoned my daughter because I can't stand to be around you and go out every night as soon as she's gone to sleep.

Sometimes I feel like I'm healing, but not today. Today I hurt because not only did you destroy the last four years of my life, keeping me dangling while you loved another woman despite my pleas to tell me how I could fix our marriage, but you still have all the power. You've been hiding money from me for years and since you hadn't worked for the last 7 months I'm in more debt than I've ever been in before. You are now earning four times what I earn and I have no idea what you will stoop to in our divorce. I don't even get to move on yet, because you still have so much ability to harm me more. I never thought you could be this person, how could I have been so blind?

Why wasn't our marriage worth fighting for, working on, ever even trying to fix?

How do I move on when I feel haunted by what was ever even real? How do I ever feel positive, lovable and safe again when the person I trusted the most in the world could do this to me.

And, even now, I am not sure I hate you. I want to, I can't tell you how much I want to. But I go shopping and I see all the things you like that I used to make sure we always had in the house. I remember times I thought things were good and I wonder if they really were.

I'm waiting for this to get easier. To be able to focus on my work like I am supposed to. To be able to enjoy my time with my wonderful daughter without hurting so much on the inside that I want to curl up in a ball. To want to have conversations about anything other than this. How much longer do you get to ruin my life?

what he's getting: crickets and business like/matter of fact with kids.

what I felt like saying to him this morning:

I love you so deeply and will always love you. I will miss you - I do miss you, I miss my best friend, the man I married who loved and cherished me. I'm broken up about the end of our relationship. Do you care at all? am I the only one suffering here? Do you miss US at all? How can you not feel remorse? How can you so easily move away? Leave your family? I just don't understand.

what I wish during my darker hours:

that he falls in love with a gorgeous girl (yup - he likes 'em 20+ years younger), marries her, and then she cheats on him repeatedly and breaks his heart, he gets herpes, gets fat, depressed, and starts posting at SI JFO forum devastated and humbled. Finally remorseful for his crappy behavior and owns his shit. I'd really love to see him own his own shit before I die.

Re: Your concerns

Yes, I've been angry for 6 months, now you are finally getting there? Well, they say it's a part of grieving so I will be glad you are grieving our life.

You didn't get invited to the graduation party I had at my new house for our son. Boo hoo! No one wanted you there. You had a nice evening out with our child and your mom, but you think you should have been invited to my party? Why do you even think you would be comfortable there? Especially since my family and friends would be lining up to punch you in the throat (my sister's words) or worse. Yes, your employers are my friends - they were invited and one came. Yes, your family are also innocent victims of the fallout - they were invited but I think your mom was too embarrassed to come even though we still love each other very much.

You didn't like meeting our son at the school instead of picking him up? Well, guess what, that was his idea not mine. He doesn't want to see us in the same place. Again his choice and I applaud him for it. He loves us both and I know that you make me crazy and nervous - he doesn't want to see that. I'm glad your weekend wasn't "ruined." I never wanted that. I didn't try to exclude you from anything pivotal in his life. Unless you think a graduation party is pivotal. I even saved you seats at the graduation ceremony, not next to me of course. I don't need you patting my leg telling me we raised an amazing man.

You have made a point of never debasing my character in public? I guess going out to bars with your girlfriend in our town of 3600 people doesn't debase me, it debases you. I haven't tried to make you a villain, you did that all on your own. People are repeatedly telling me I am too nice to you; I didn't out you or OW to her husband even though I badly wanted it to happen. I have taken an honest look at my part in the ending of our marriage and I am very confused and conflicted. You can lie to me so effectively, how was I to know how unhappy you were? I would like to know what your feelings were that led up to this, it's why I suggested counseling but you were so uninterested in that that you couldn't pick up the phone and make arrangements. And looking back over the last 28 years and I know of at least two times when I suspected an affair and have since found one more relationship that is suspicious. I would have gone to counseling if only to receive some closure on our relationship.

So when you say that I need to make a better effort to address our son's needs as agreed I say Fuck You. I am a strong woman raising a strong, good man who is going to go out in the world and do amazing things. You and I will always be tied by him and eventually I will be able to greet you dispassionately without the stabbing in the heart that you manage to do now. If you would give me the divorce instead of mooching off my health insurance for several more months I might have been further along this path but I can only handle so much. Thank you for expressing your concerns, I'm sure it took both of you all night and a bottle of wine to write that letter to me.

Bite me, you f'n ungrateful SOB. Go fuck yourself while you're at it, too.

"Stuff" is going on at work, hmm. I have to control that first reaction of putting your shit in the garage and changing the locks. And you want to R, funny.

DS is in a good mood today. The depression isn't too bad. So I will paint a smile on my face, bite my tongue and continue with my day.

It's official. I hate you now.

Thanks for letting me find outyou canceled my health insurance, prematurely, when I'm already AT THE DENTIST Office to get fillings.

You're such a dick. More legal costs for both of us so my lawyer can call yours & maybe slap your wrist.

This is the 4th contemptible thing you've done...and no one ever holds you accountable!

I have to keep bailing the boat so I don't drown since you somehow got my spousal cut 1/3 along the way! WTF?

You're lucky I haven't taken you to court! I sure want to, but my lawyer just says "don't push it so he'll sign the MSA". Fuck that. You were supposed to do that in MARCH , and again in MAY...but I'm still waiting. I KNOW I'd do better if the judge split everything, because I let myself get screwed. So don't sign, let's go to court 'cause you think I deserve even less! I'd love renegotiate.

In the meantime it really pisses me off that I have none of the medical, dental, Rx coverage or car insurance THE COURT ORDERED YOU TO PAY until the D is FINAL!!!!

IT'S NOT FINAL, FUCKTARD!

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 8:30 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

I can't imagine what made me think I'd be able to cohabit with you, you asshole. Even the sight of you makes me feel ill. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not a disgusting excuse for a human being so I don't stoop to your level and do something I'll regret having on my karma.

Then you ask me what I told our daughter? I'm trying to provide her with options that make this shithole YOU put us in seem less painful. You have no right to ask me anything! You are contemptible and nasty. I can't wait to be divorced from you and free of the oppression I've lived with for so long.

And why the fuck are you still wearing your wedding ring? You foul slug? Oh yeah, that bitch made you so concerned about images and you're probably afraid you'd have to answer difficult questions if you took it off.

I hate that I can't even wish you'd die because then I'd have to comfort my daughter for your loss. Go away already, stop fucking with me and let me move on with my life!

You're not his father. You are a sperm donor. You have the bare minimum to do with him and we all know it's so you can keep up appearances and because your mom makes you.

Why won't you just let us go? I know you never loved me, but do you even care about us enough to do that? Let us move on a build a happy healthy life. You claim to love your son. Can you let him be happy and grow up in a healthy, happy family?

Please, please just leave us alone. Let me be the mother that I signed up to be. Just let us go. Please.

While I'm laughing so hard at you, I will not cease to be unfailingly civil. Yes, storing some of your shit a bit longer irritates me, but I won't give you anything but minimal responses, despite that you clearly wanted more reaction to informing me that you "put (OW) out".

Sorry 'bout your luck. *snicker* No, really!

Yes, I'm sure you'd love to ask me all kinds of favors, now that your bed, some other furniture, and the car you used, is all leaving because you broke up with her. I already agreed to let you leave some stuff here longer, that you were supposed to be getting now that the divorce is final.

Besides, "Can I ask u for a favor if u can't it's cool" isn't really a question that needs answering, so you're getting crickets. I'm uninstalling that button.