SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey cheater,

thanks for giving me a nightmare last night. I didn't sleep well because of you. And I remember you used to tell me that whenever I am not in bed with you that you find it so hard not to sleep and you miss me.

Everyday not being with you, I miss you but given what you did, you give me many different problems and last night you, once again, gave me a nightmare. It was not nice nor do I deserve it.

And I keep thinking that we are "pretending" to talk in our virtual world and you keep countering and arguing everything and denying everything we ever meant to one another. why?

cruel human. I REALLY hope something happens to you and I rarely think nor say such things. I hate to say it but cheaters always cheat, haters gonna hate and you need to be put in your place.

You are a pathetic excuse and bring shame to women!

Today I have been so sad

I feel like I am gonna die and nobody cares.

I loved you with all my hearth, I can't believe that this hell is my life now... I don't have the strenght to go on with my life.

This is madness, this is not real, I still don't believe that this is happening to me... I can't believe that life can be like this.

I'm on vacation with my mom and daughter and I can't stop crying. All I can think of is how you broke our family without a care, without any effort to try something else.

You are so hateful. I don't want you back now but at the same time I can't live with the idea that you just get to walk away after causing all of this as if you are blameless and I'm the one with the problem.

I hate that a stupid margarita triggers me.

I hate that I'm now fighting with my best friend and it's because of you - you bastard! For the first time in my life, I really wish someone would die and that someone is you. I would never kill anyone, but if I could have you struck off this earth, I would do so.

You gave me another nightmare in my sleep last night.

how dare you cause trouble and make something out of nothing. this is not you. this is so not you. what the heck?

our love, pure, genuine and honest... snatched away by you and to "give it" to someone else is sad, and stupid and sick! Why take what I have and run with it? Yeah, I know I am a GREAT soul but doesn't deserve to be treated as such.

I have been through a lot in life. Most don't want to hear it because its too much for them when it really isn't. They don't stick around.

you did. you totally understood. you could relate. then you do this.

Its hard for me to open up. With you, I did.

I still remember the first few months - one day in particular where it was summer, around 6:15pm in the evening and still daylight.

we lay on the bed. Dressed of course but just wanted to hold each other. You were in my arms. We totally read each other minds - literally. That was it for us... not only were our hearts and bodies reading each other, but even our minds! That point you said to me that this is it and you could not be happier.

fast forward 3 years... and you do this. Even though things have been great with the odd petty argument (stemmed from you!) - you think that no relationship has ups and downs. How stupid are you?

besides that, you promised that you wouldn't "kick me out" because I am not like that and never put myself in such a position. Not only was it 2 weeks before you also said it before out 3rd year anniversary and then what do you do? Exactly.

then you wonder why you cannot find decent people. Well good luck to you and the builder who was renovating the property! What the heck.

I cannot go on. No really, I cannot. you think its fair and its a joke. I don't think it is. You, in the sane mind, wouldn't either. Nor would you destroy another soul but you did. Happy?

selfish cow.

and you know I don't cuss... I don't like it even though you do cuss a lot but I ignore it.

Guess what? It's 2:08am and I cannot sleep at all because I MISS YOU in my arms.

I remember you used to say to me when I am not in bed or that I am away on business that you cannot fall asleep properly because I am not next to you in bed, snuggled with your legs wrapped in mine or at least your foot touching mine.

oh baby. I miss you. The tender and sensualness... my oh my. How could you, you evil woman.

I guess thats it.

I made things clear and you stayed silent.

I miss you but you continue to break my heart

I hate you, Trac-Fone. You are scum. Your projection on to our wonderful son is sheer evil and his pain is unbearable. There is a special place in hell for you—but you sure haven't found hell on earth like you've strived to create for everyone who doesn't have something to give you.

(And no, there is no indifference with a sociopath/narcopath/etc... NC is as close as you can get, and in the thick of divorce, when game playing is heavy? NC is impossible. Even "talk to my lawyer = contact, and the contact with lawyer = contact by proxy. I need this divorce done. Because I hate him, and can't not hate him until he's completely past history. He epitomizes evil. Smooth charming evil. The onlu thing that heartens me is that my lawyer immediately saw through him—he's representing himself—and does not trust him at all.)

So today sucks. Again. I tried to go out but don't fit well here. People are not polite nor welcoming.

I watch TV adverts and some of them just remind me of you for some reason, I guess the playfulness we had - the banter and the cheeky funny stuff.

Everytime I hear some bit of music we both love, or that you love, I tear up because it reminds me of you and how beautiful you are to me.

I really want you. I don't get why you seem to (in my head anyway) dismiss that we ever existed or that I am such a bad person because of how I acted when you cheated on me and I uncovered the truth 1-2 weeks prior and played along with your game. Games... something we said we hate and its pathetic and here you are, playing games.

What do you see in him? Complete contradiction from what you said to me way in the beginning.

Everytime I walked pass some jewelry store I felt sad because I loved to buy you stuff and stuff you actually liked. It was December 2015 when we went to a different town to do some shopping and I bought you, and you wore on the same day, that hand bracelet. And you chose it. That was my gift to you.

Having no ring on my finger makes me feel naked, shameful and rejected by this world.

you meant so much to me babe. SO MUCH. This was IT for us. A sealed deal. And you betrayed our morals and principals for... what exactly?

sick. pathetic.

My goodbye

I sit here today after waiting for almost 9 long months to hear something….to see something….to feel in my heart that you got my back. I realize that waiting any longer will do more harm than good and rather than hope my wife will come back and try to save this marriage, it is time for me realize that these last 9 months are a result of the person you have become. You look like my wife, you sound like my wife….but something changed drastically and while I might not know exactly what I want my future relationships, I now know with crystal clarity what I do not want. And unfortunately for reasons that I still cannot believe, you leave me no choice but to say goodbye.

Goodbye to our home together. We bought over 6 years ago in hopes we could make it our own. We did….it was quiet, boring but it was ours and ours alone. While me and the kids still call it home it will never be complete the way is was a short time ago

Goodbye to the times of just you and I. The kids are my life now and I would not change anything, but there was a time when it was just me and you. Doing whatever we wanted together. We travelled, laughed, pondered, and wondered. We had a certain playfulness and “lets just have fun together” attitude that I will never have again. I will always remember staying up until the sun came up in the morning when we first me, eating gummy worms talking about I have no idea what.....We were kids and life was easy back then.

Goodbye to watching movies with you on the couch, or the bed, or the floor. I watched amazing Race last night and it was not the same without you.

Goodbye to our winter trips together. I was hoping for more with just you and I but it is not to be.

Goodbye to our family vacations and trips

Goodbye to your cooking. I know you wished your food tasted more like your moms, but the truth is nobody can ever cook as good as their moms. And I loved your food. I still miss bbq pizza with carmelized onions.

Goodbye to our new beginning. We had plans to move closer to town for the kids. I was looking forward to it and well……now our new beginnings are out of terrible circumstances.

Goodbye to our walks around town…goodbye to hearing you downstairs kicking ass and taking your workouts to the next level. Thanks again for that….I have taken over downstairs and JNL is now a big part of my life as it should be.

Goodbye to innocence. I always believed our family would be spared from the turmoil that has come over us. I thought our own little family bubble would withstand anything that would stand in front of us.

Goodbye to my love for you. My definition of love is putting someone else before yourself. I did love you. I loved you from the start. I loved you right to the end. I wanted to make you happy and secure. I guess even before this all blew up in our face I was not living up to what I now realize you needed. You did not feel loved but rest assured….it was love right to the end. I gave up my emotional self, my happiness, my goals, and my morals to try to save you……I did love you more than myself. So goodbye to that, I have to focus fully and completely on myself. I have to love myself again before I can love anybody else again.

There are so many things I am missing. As I move on I will be reminded of all I am saying goodbye from. This letter is just the start. I got years to go and years to heal. I always joke about us being old….but time is on my side.

Holy this letter is hard. I never cried as hard as I did a few minutes ago…..it was a release that I needed and I realize why I waited so long to do this. But moving on to the good stuff for me.

Goodbye to wondering why you do not like my Family.

Goodbye to cleaning the cars…..it is a lot easier now.

Goodbye to feeling underappreciated. I ran this household for many years without much appreciation or respect. I did a lot and felt overwhelmed at times but I guess I just wished I would of heard a little more from you. I did not realize how much it means to get positive affirmation for what I do but it is important. I know you felt the same way….we both sucked at that.

Goodbye to trying to make you happy and walking on eggshells. There were many times I just treaded carefully to try to smooth over every situation. It was a balancing act that I could not maintain forever. I truly do hope you find out what you have to do to live with and treat your depression.

Goodbye to the last 9 months. The first 3 months post D-day were hell on earth and I have no idea how I am still standing sometimes…..but I am. I have healed somewhat, I have a long ways to go

Goodbye to wondering if you were texting him still

Goodbye to wondering if he was still talking to you at work

Goodbye to wondering if you really do love me

Goodbye to you hurting me and minimizing what has happened

Goodbye to the unrelenting wondering what to do

Goodbye to the lies and deceit

Goodbye to wondering why the hell I want to continue in a marriage with you

Goodbye to waiting

Goodbye to the good and the bad. Onwards and upwards. Learning is a wonderful thing and I have just realized that the hardest lessons to learn are usually the most important. This was a hard fucking lesson…..but I will never forget. I will use this to build myself better than ever. I still am rooting for you but in a different way. I am not your #1 fan but I will be watching and hoping you find your way someday, the kids deserve it and as much as you hurt me, you deserve to figure this out.

Goodbye

ForTheKids <3

I cried too. I'm sorry.

I so want to call u up and bitch u out! You have 75,000 fn dollars in the bank and u won't spend 1200 on a boat motor for your CHILD to go fishing? The one person in this world who still loves you!!!!!! But u take OW kid to Disney world? You are mentally ill or I'd tell u off, you cheap ass moron pos!

hey b!tch,

another weekend is upon us. dare I even think what you have planned for with him?

you have REALLY worn me out, tiring me out mentally and emotionally. I have not been touched, even a simple hug by anyone in 2 months exactly all because of you.

I miss your touches. your hugs. your smiles. your kisses and the way you look at me as I do to you.

And now, you are all over him, most likely using the same lines as you did with me and those lines are something you never had within you before I come into your life.

Sick. Utterly sick. I feel like ripping out my skin and sending it to you with your touches on them as I don't want you in me.

you have seeped into my heart, my skin. nothing will ever wash you away. you are so important to me and yet... you betrayed me.

even my IC agrees with a lot of things and their job is to be objective to some degree and make me stop and think.

So yeah. Nice work, idiot.

Whenever we saw each other, be it me coming down to see you at lunch or going home together on the bus and waiting in line, whenever we were very close to each other physically, we would feel as sense of uncomfort or unease and felt that "cold" air to which either you would move close to me and hold my hand or I would move close to you and you would put your arm around me (yes, in public too)....it made everything so perfect and a thousand times better.

every time we went out, be it to the local pub for dinner or somewhere else, people would turn their heads literally and look at us. They never have had nor got what we had and that was just us holding hands and walking, talking, smiling and laughing. Sometimes we didn't even need to talk but just look at one another and held on to the hands of each other so nicely - the love and purity shined through to everyone - EVEN YOUR WORK COLLEAGUES!!!

then you cheat. why? just... why? How the hell can you take all of this, of what we naturally had for one another and built and throw it away?

Whenever I was not confident in myself personally...all you had to do was touch me, to hold my hand or just kiss me and that would be it...I would be so much happier and confident immediately. It's a powerful thing... and then you ruin it.

im so mad. so angry. so sad. And now, I have nothing and no one because of what you did to me and then blame there aren't any good guys around etc...

happy with him? I took you to Dubai for goodness sake in March 2016 and you have always wanted to go and never been. I made your dream, once again, come true.

It may not be about possessions or as such but the point is... everything I did was not for you but for US. For the sanctity of our future, our relationship - our possible marriage.

seriously, I mean... why? your eyes were for me, you said and I felt it so much - and the same with me.

then you started filtering with the builders in the house and asked me from time to time if I was in "a mood" - well gee, why do you think? And I sensed there was something going on despite your consistent denial and anger at me not trusting you.

you will never get it. never. just when I thought you did... just when....

why am I even breathing?

It's the weekend. It's Saturday night (or now after midnight heading into Sunday)

Gee, I wonder what you 2 are doing....

and yet when we were together and after 1.5 years you only wanted it once a week immediately after having intimate and sensual love every other day.

honestly. make me sick and yes, you actually are a slut and that's rarely a word I use.

[members note: - wow, seems like I've shut down the thread! - sorry for my continuous posts]

On that last week, I believe it was either a Monday or a Tuesday, you went to a work do - some show that was on.

You came back in the evening and I was in bed as it was late but when you came in and got ready for bed, we spoke and I asked about how the show was and you were excited and happy, explained to me what it was all about etc... and had a really nice conversation.

The following morning I checked your phone.

Guess what I found?

The conversation with you and him. You said that you couldn't stand me any longer and I am some how annoying you but you have that show to go to so it would be a nice time.

He said: "my heart goes out to you. At least you have an evening out and away from him"

Hang on a second...

how on EARTH can you come to such a conclusion? I keep myself to myself, I am in the office (room) for 11+ hours a day, we barely spend 3 hours when you get home from work, nor have you ever said I am annoying but you keep hugging me, kissing me and holding me/caressing.

Sorry but, you have a problem. That's all down to you. Making stuff up, exaggerating and then texting him about it? What gives? What about you? Arent you lying or annoying or as such?

If I was THAT unbearable (which I know myself and I am not at all, far from it which caused you to want me ALOT because I am "totally" different!), then why ask me to move in for 2 years? Seriously, what gives? AND once again, you are texting a stranger (the builder doing the house work) rather than talking to me about it and I periodically check in with you to see how you are and how WE are and how I am?

And THAT weekend was your birthday and our anniversary and you have the nerve to say such things let alone text him? Seriously?

pathetic. lame. lame. lame.

wow, what a b!tch.

[This message edited by fierhawk at 8:35 AM, July 17th (Sunday)]

I have sat down to type this post about 10 times and each time I changed my mind because I do not want to feel the brutal hurt of writing my thoughts down...

this weekend has been beyond brutal... I hurt so much from your betrayal. I found the strength to go to church yesterday... I feel so alone... my immediate family is half way across the country... I want so badly for someone to hold me.. why did you do this to me? to us? to our family? I get it that u have addictions but ultimately you had a choice.. you knew the end result and you destroyed us anyway... now I sit here and walk here and pace here and cry here and cannot escape this horrible heartbreak.. I want to see my mom and dad and have them comfort me... I want this pain to stop but it wont... it's probably going to take years and that saddens me even more... why? why? why? how could you? how could you? how could you?

You say you are sorry...you say you hate yourself and have so much guilt... then again why would you do this again?? Why didn't you get help instead of abandoning me, us, and our family again?

You are probably out doing blow with the money you just got paid... self medicating as usual...cocaine and sex... those are your drugs of choice these days...

I know you are a very broken person, but that doesn't make this hurt any less... I hate this loneliness...

God please take the love for him and the hurt away from my heart... this betrayal just hurts way too much...

I fucking hate your entitlement. I hate how you blatantly checked out some woman for the 30th time in a day. How you went to hang out in bars and somehow always found yourself with a chick to chat with. I hate that I got to constantly hear how hot other women were.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you. You never deserved me you stupid asshole.

Oh how I wish these terror attacks were on your street so reality gives you a check.

sorry - i don't mean to be nasty and I am not at all but you....

... I have been REALLY good to you even through your petty petty things. THE PERFECT GENT, not because I "have to" but because I AM....

and you just wanted attention from other guys. You pathetic piece of crap. Such shame you bring to yourself, and your family.

((((((Solus sto))))))

I'm happier without you... by a long shot.

I'm calm, the kids are calm, and there is a genuine sense of love, comfort, safety and serenity in our home.

You complain that the kids misbehave at your house often, and treat you poorly. They don't do that to me. Just keep buying them stuff, maybe they'll get better. In the meantime, I'll just keep being their Daddy.