It is sad to think that someone I spent 10 years of my life with will never again be a part of my life, but he is still very much alive and working just several 100 feet away from me. It’s sad to think that although he is still alive, who I thought he was, the person I thought he was is very much dead; was actually never really alive at all. I cannot for the life of me fathom why this had to be the way it went down.
You never loved me. Never truly. You loved that I loved you. You wanted me, you needed me because I loved you so much it literally hurt me to love you so much. I was just a pawn for you to play with at your whim. And if it were only me you played with, that would be bad enough. But you played with S. You played with his heart and his head. He adored you. You were his hero. You were his father figure. You loved that role. You wanted that role. You relished that role. But even then it wasn’t real to you, it was still just a game to you. You were in S’s life since he was 5. Who does that to a child? Knowingly does that to a child he knows loves him. Who plays with people like that?
You said you would be with me forever. And had I not found out the depth of your lies and deception, I probably would have stayed with you over and over again. Because I didn’t believe you were a bad person capable of such evil. I don’t think like you do. I can’t comprehend how a person could be so cruel. I thought you made mistakes, many, but I thought you had a good heart and a good soul, and you wanted to be a good person. But you have neither. You have no heart and you have a dark soul. I can’t wrap my head around this. Things could have been so different. You should have talked to me. But that is not the kind of person you are. You wanted to keep me because I would’ve stayed. Like everyone else. For your amusement. For your pleasure. Until you tired of me again. But you involved S. That’s unforgivable.
I blame myself for staying, for ever staying all those times I should have left. I blame myself for allowing you to always pull me back in. Why did you do that when you never really cared? You did it because you need people to love you. You need it like you need air to breathe. You need admiration and attention, constant reassurance that you’re worthy. And I gave you that. Again and again. But it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough. Cause you aren’t worthy. So many things, so many times I allowed you to hurt me. And in doing so I allowed you to hurt S. I am completely at fault for that.
I dwell in a whole different world than you. Although I work in prison, in my personal world people don’t knowingly hurt people, don’t set out to hurt people, don’t get pleasure out of hurting people. In my world people mean what they say, say what they mean. They don’t lie and deceive, con and connive, with nothing but malicious intent. I used to think that you didn’t mean harm. B used to say you just did dumb things but they didn’t come from a malicious place. Yes. Yes they do. Everything you do is calculated and plotted. You play dumb but you’re very calculating. You know exactly what you’re doing. You just couldn’t stand that I would call you on your lies. But what did it matter because I stayed anyway. I stayed because of hundreds of unkept promises, a ring, and a bullshit proposal that you never intended to keep. Even when you made it you knew it was a lie.
How do you sleep at night? How do you look at yourself in the mirror so much and not feel sick? How do you live with yourself knowing what an ugly person you are inside. Saying you’re fucked up is your way to not take responsibility of what you do, your responsibilities and your actions. But you are responsible. 100% responsible. You don’t have to do what you do. You enjoy what you do. Hurting others validates in some sick way that you were loved. I used to tell you that the I felt so safe when I was in your arms, wrapped in your arms I felt everything would be ok. But instead of being safe, I was being used, manipulated, lied to. I was in fact in a very dangerous place and nothing would be ok.
You never meant anything that you said to me. None of your words of love were real. All of the promises you made about being there for me for S, you never meant, you knew you wouldn’t, you couldn’t, you had no intention. You never did. You would have been with me forever because you would have continued to use me. I was convenient. You always said you didn’t want to disappoint me. You never cared about disappointing me, you just didn’t want to lose my love. You need people to love you. You need that confirmation. That validation that you are worthy. But you are not. You have no worth or value other than what you can suck out of other people. I would have always been there for you. I would have always had your back. I would have always supported you.
I thought everything we went through was real. I thought this ring meant something. But when you told me to throw it away, I knew it didn’t mean anything but was given just to keep me, keep my love, my validation. And then when you didn’t need it anymore, when you found it somewhere else, you rejected it, tossed it aside like it never even existed. And in doing so you did that to S’s love as well. Not caring that you’re damaging a child because you don’t think about damage and destroying people, you certainly can’t think about any collateral damage.
I feel like I’m supposed to be feeling better. Like knowing what a monster you are, I should be over it and glad I haven’t wasted any more than the 10 years that I already have. But I’m not over it. My love for you was very real. Nothing I did or said to you was fake or phony. As many times as you hurt me, I accepted you for your flaws and I loved you for them because I thought you were a genuine person. I fell for your act. You said you thought my sister used men to buy her things and take care of her, and you didn’t like that. Why? Because that’s what you do. You use people. You use them emotionally and physically. You are far, far worse than those you speak of with disdain.
Just because I know that, doesn’t make the true love that i had for you, doesn’t make it just disappear. It makes it hurt even more because while I was loving you, you were only playing me. You would constantly tell me you loved and were in love with me. I could only love you however. I couldn’t allow myself to be in love with you and for that I’m grateful. I had to protect myself after being hurt too many tines, so I didn’t allow myself to fall as hard this time around. Keeping that wall of protection was difficult and I didn’t like that I felt I had to, that I couldn’t quite let it down again, but that is now something that I think is saving me at this point. You laid it on thick, and I bought it. I actually believed you loved me. I actually believed you (omg I feel so stupid) when you said you’ve never felt love like this for anyone aside from your daughter and your mom. You had me good. You were good. Very convincing because I wanted to be convinced. I actually thought we were having a good run there. But we never had a run. It was always only a game to you for as long as you could get away with playing it. So I should be over it now that I know all this. But I’m not because it was never, ever a game to me. Especially when it came to S. It was and is still very real.
