SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. Happy New Year.

Well, yesterday was 5 months from DDay. From the day my life changed forever. And I thought I'd provide a not-so-quick update on what's been going on and how I'm doing. Fair warning: this won't be happy go lucky. I'm just not in that frame of mind. So, please head back now if you're looking for feel good. Oh - and I tend to ramble, so this will likely be pretty long. You’ve been warned.

For those that don't know my story, in short, my brother caught my wife and POS holding hands in the Upper West Side of NYC. Told me and I confronted her. Turns out she had a 5 month EA / 3 month PA. You can read my long-assed threads in JFO for all the juicy details, I guess. After the initial confrontation and getting out of the fog (took maybe a week or two), I have to say she has pretty much been the model of a remorseful wife. Immediate IC for her and me. Didn't start MC until a little over a month ago. NC has been in force for the entire time except for when she was deposed by POS' wife for their divorce (he told my wife he was divorced but was really separated and in the middle of MC with his wife). She's gone through maybe 50+ IC sessions, workbooks, exercises, the whole shebang. She quit all charitable work (where she met POS) and has been focused on me and the kids. Gives me time, space, whatever I need. Begs me to open up to her so she can help me heal. And, no. We have not had sex since DDay. TMI, but I went through a looong period of time where I was dead below the waist, even if I wanted to, which I did not. So no hysterical bonding for us. After some time, after I committed to trying to reconcile with her, we started spending more time together, doing things as a couple. Still, I have not forgiven her. She doesn't expect me to, and I don’t know if I have it in me to. My IC says it’s not necessary (doesn’t mean I’m lording it over her, which I’m not, just that as of now, I feel like there are some things which I either can’t or won’t forgive so easily). But we are reconciling. My key issue is that I haven't and do not really communicate my feelings to her about her affair, which definitely hinders my ability to heal. I've basically closed up. So I haven't told her what I want or need from her. She has asked me to ad nauseum. I just can't or won't. Yes, I've been discussing this with my IC. No progress on this front thus far. So, 5 months later, here we are.

Regarding how I'm doing, not so well is the short answer. Basically, I'm sad and angry and fed up and tired and exhausted. At times I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep and not wake up. No. Not suicidal. Just want to escape is all. Be free of this. I want a time machine so I can go back and stop this from happening. To beg her not to go through with it. 5 months out and it's all so surreal.

I don't know if this is all normal or not, but at times I think we're in trouble. I mean, D-uh. But real trouble. I've been supporting her through this. Encouraging her. But I find myself asking why? Why do I have to? Because she's my wife? That apparently didn't count for much when she had a choice about screwing POS, did it? And yes, two wrongs don't make a right or just because she makes a mistake doesn't mean I can't be the bigger man…blah blah blah. And committing to R means doing just that, etc. I know. I know. I just hate it. See, I can’t get what she did out of my head. Some people here have used the term cumdumpster. But that's literally what she was for him. How can I see her any other way again? Oh, and I've hit the anger stage.

As I said, I can't stop thinking about what she did. Many of you know my situation. In embarrassing detail. She screwed another man for 3 months, 20+ times. She walked around his apartment naked. Had coffee naked. She gave herself to him. Completely. Repeatedly. How can I kiss her again, knowing that? And I die every day when I think of it all and not a day goes by when I don’t. It is debilitating. I’ve lost my desire. Not sexual desire, although that’s true too – but desire for life. I find refuge in my kids, my awesome brother and friends at times, but I am sad every single day. Some days are better than others, but still. I stopped exercising. I stopped being enthusiastic and energetic at work as well. I stopped being me. Yes, lethal flatness. I feel like a dead man walking. I hide from life. I read, watch TV, pick up a video game and tune out the world. I know I put on a good front, but that’s the truth of it. I’ve been put through hell. And I am broken as a result.

Frankly, I just don't know how well equipped I am to handle this. I have the kids, typical family issues, I'm transitioning to a new role at work, IC and MC appointments, and the emotional stress of all of this. I don't think I've ever felt so weak in my life. I'm a personal fortitude guy. I have older girls - some of you know what they're like…everything is drama. My mantra to them has always been "learn to deal." That life is all about learning to deal with whatever it throws at you in a healthy way and it will throw some heavy shit. And here I am not sure if I'm capable of dealing with this. And so...I'm scared. I'm scared that I can't and I'm going to simply say "screw this, I'm outta here." Not scared because I'll be alone or because I can't live without her. Because I don't want to. But I don't know if I can live with her.

She tortures herself, you know? Not physically. But mentally. Her IC has been trying to get her to stop but she won't hear of it. She beats herself up every day. She apologizes to me daily, thanks me for not divorcing her yet, tells me she loves me and keeps asking me what she can do to help me. Every night, without fail, she'll snuggle up behind me in bed, put one arm around me and kiss the back of my neck and thank me for giving her one more day. One more night of being there with her. For not giving up on her. On us. Begs me to open up and share what I'm feeling. To ask her anything I want about her affair. I never have a good answer for her and I don't take her up on her offers. As I said before, I spend my free time escaping. Hang with the kids, I read, or play a video game. Maybe watch a movie. And then I come here to SI and pain shop a bit. Probably not healthy, but I look at other people's stories. Some have it worse. Some better. I try to provide advice for others. I figure that even if my life is in the toilet, why not try and help someone else's? And it makes me feel like I'm not alone in all this. Even though that's exactly how I feel. So very alone. You know what she does? Well, besides focusing on the kids, for one, she's determined to make sure we have the most well run and clean home in all of NY. But really, she goes through our family albums. Practically a nightly ritual for her. Pictures of us when we were teenagers. Of our wedding. Of us in the hospital after the kids were born. Of them growing up. Birthday parties. Family get togethers. Everything about our lives for over 25 years. And she cries. Deep sobs while doing so. She'll even hug the albums. And cry. I leave her alone during this. I've told her it's not healthy, but who am I to judge? She doesn't listen anyway. She tells me it's her family and it's all she has and she may not have it much longer. And forgetting about it is in part what got her into the mess we are in now and she never ever wants to forget again.

Honestly, I don't how we are still functioning. She doesn't smile anymore. Not the way she did. Frankly, neither do I. We are shells of our former selves. I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't laugh. Not really. I don't even like myself anymore. I am so consumed by this. It's all I really think about. My life. Or what used to be of it. And how it's gone. And what the future may or may not bring. So I don't think I'm very good company. I know my strengths and I know my faults. Lord knows we all have them. But my real personality is soft, caring, funny, witty, smart, sensitive. That is me. Oh sure. It comes with other not so wonderful things as well, but that is who I am. But in the past 5 months I've become bitter, and morose, and angry, and cold. And dead. Uncaring. More than anything, this scares me. Who am I becoming? How do I stop it? Because I don't like it and it's not who I want to be but I don't know what to do about it.

But in the end and through it all, I am still here. Still with her. Why? I ask myself this all the time. In the end, the only answer that rings true to me is that because I know who she is at heart. We’ve been together since the late 1980’s. That’s a very long time. I know everything about her, warts and all. And her essence is good. She’s a good person, warm, caring, altruistic, giving, sensitive, kind, intelligent, honest. Yes, honest. Despite what she did. No, no pedestal. Just truth. But she did do something horrible. Terrible. Betrayed me in the worst possible way. I don’t downplay it, hence what I wrote further above. It is as brutal as it sounds. And I might not be able to live with it, but that will be me choosing to leave then as a result. And yes, we do have 5 wonderful children together and a lifetime together, and that counts for something. But it is knowing who she is as a person, the person I fell in love with and married, that tells me to fight for it. Not who she can be. Who she is. And I know who she is, not because she tells me so. She doesn’t. Quite the opposite. She berates herself repeatedly. Works on herself. Knows how selfish she was. Owns her affair. Doesn't blame me, our life, or anything else. But I know her. I have 27 years of knowledge – through hard times and good. Through trials. Life’s ups and downs. I know her character. It is why what she did is such a slap in the face to me. Because it was such a contradiction to who she is. It was horrible, but it doesn’t change her essential character. She disagrees with me, by the way. She says that her cheating IS who she is. It's a part of her. Because she did it, and me denying that is not helpful. She says that she realized that she IS the kind of person who can cause so much pain and harm to me, her husband, and to her babies (even though I have a married daughter - she refers to the kids as her babies). That it was a tremendously painful thing for her to realize and admit, but admitting it allowed her to work on herself and that I should realize that too. That she isn't as wonderful as I think. And that, like most people, she has a lot of good qualities, but she is also frail, vulnerable, and weaker than she thought, and has aspects of her personality that she is not proud of. And those are the things she's addressing. Not for me. Although we'll benefit, but for her. So she can be a better person. Regardless of what happens between us.

So, I am still here. And we are reconciling. But there are bumps and we're likely making a mess of things. Will we make it? I hope so, I do, but I have no clue. And as painful as it is and has been, I am not throwing in the towel. Not yet. Everyone says it takes a long time to heal. 2-5 years. If she was unremorseful, that'd be one thing, but she's the opposite. So I'm sticking it out. If I see that I can't get past it, accept it and try to build something new, then that'll be that. But as of now, I'm staying. And that's my update. Sorry for the length and rambling nature of it all.

Okay, I do have a question for you all: as I've said, opening up to her and sharing my feelings has been a tremendous road block for me. Maybe it's the trust thing - I have to turn to the one person who caused me this pain in order to help me heal. I don't know. Anyway, I'm in contact with a few SI members privately and one person suggested that I share my JFO threads with my wife. Here is what this person told me:

I think that having her read your "I don't know what to do" and " I have an inkling.." threads will be a massive forward step for you both. From her stand point, what a leap of faith for you not only to allow her into your thoughts and feelings, but to do it in this way, to give her access to something so (at the time) deeply private.

Will it be hard to read? Yup. Will she feel closer to you? Yup. Will she see the love in the posts where you describe her so tenderly? Yup. Will she feel pangs of shame when she sees your loyalty in sticking up for her when the other posters were too aggressive? Yup. Will she feel terrible about herself? Yup. Will she be buoyed by the obvious inherent care and value you place in your marriage? Yup. All those things and so much more. And that is why it such a gift - not just for her really, but for your relationship. Don't we both know that we want emotional closeness in the R'ed relationship we hope to attain? This is it. This is all you went through in your own words, and you don't need to fight to push them out of your mouth.

The pain it will cause her to read.... Can it really be worse than she imagines? I doubt it. I imagine she is (despite the three month atrocity) is an empathetic woman. She knows. She sees what she has done to you. She is literally crying out for you to open up. I am sure she will say after it was so hard to read but that she really, truly, hugely appreciates that you let her in.

So. My answer. As long as YOU are okay with it, I think it is a big, positive step for your wife and for your relationship, and (most importantly for me), for you. This is how you begin the opening up. You lay it out there and see what happens. Maybe you even say to her that it might be easier for her to write you her responses initially. Whatever works best for YOU in achieving the aim of beginning the deep communication. "Best friends" might seem like a lofty goal right now, but you have to start somewhere. And sharing your inner thoughts during your biggest trauma is something that can only build trust and understanding.

So...what do you all think about sharing my SI threads with my wife? The goal of it is to help me open up to her and share. To break the dam, so to speak. I'm leaning toward yes, I really don't care if she sees what I wrote about her. Many of you have, unfortunately, a lot more experience than I do here and perhaps there are pitfalls I am unaware of. Thoughts?

Anyway, thanks for letting me share and vent. I have always found writing my feelings to be therapeutic and knowing you all understand where I am coming from has a tremendous impact on me and my ability to handle all of this. So thank you again. Best wishes for a better 2016.

Walloped

I feel like I was in the spot you're in now for like a year or so. I didn't want to open up to ww not because I didn't want her to know, but because I knew I was in the anger phase and that there was a good 95% chance that she would internalize whatever I said to her in anger. So I told her that and that I was waiting for the anger phase to pass before talking about it. It didn't help that I went through my self-esteem crash at the same time I went through the anger phase. It really really sucks to be both pissed and hating yourself all the time.

So, to me, where you're at is normal. It's also normal to be extremely hesitant about full commitment to R. I'm still fighting with that a year + further out than you are now.

As far as sharing your threads with her? If SI is your safe place don't give it away. Your wife already sounds remorseful, what more can you expect for her to gain? It's hard because you want her to help you, to ease the pains somehow. The thing is, I don't think there's anything she can do now to make it hurt less. Oh, she can do selfish crap that makes it hurt more, but can you name one thing that she could do that would ease the pain?

As far as you're other thoughts, they sound a lot like you're fighting depression. Probably her too. For me, situational depression was a given response. Until recently, I struggled with chaotic thoughts. (See my threads on madness, pranks, etc.), not realizing that the imbalance was because I still had depression more than a year and a half later. I wasn't thinking suicidal thoughts. I wasn't hurting myself or trying to drink my pain away. I was continuing a regiment of exercise, journaling, etc. to combat it--and yet I was still depressed. So I sought medical attention--hell I had an ironic laugh on the way to the pharmacy thinking that there were many times I said 'they invent antidepressants just for shit like this' to other posters not even aware that I should have been taking my own advice. Never claimed to be the smartest guy in the world. (probably wouldn't turn down the award for it though, an award is probably pawnable, lol.)

Not sure if my words will help you, but either way: I hear ya and know where you're at. The pain doesn't last forever.

Thanks for the update Walloped. I really do hope that things work out for the two of you. She really seems to be putting in the work. But either way, R or D, I hope you can find some peace. Opening your safe place to her would be showing you are willing to make your thoughts open to her, and in a way, show some vulnerability to her. And there's no doubt some of it will be tough for her to read, because your hurt is laid bare there. But it will also provide her with things she can do or change to help you, because you were open and honest with your feelings. It could be beneficial in trying to bridge this gap between you. But at the end of the day, you have to decide just how much your willing to share. Good Luck brother.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 11:12 AM, January 4th (Monday)]

DON'T give away your ONE safe place.

This is YOUR safe place.

You want her to read what you wrote? Cut and paste it in an email and send it to her.

I repeat.

Don't tell her about SI.

Hi Walloped, I remember reading some of your prior posts, and you sound like a very insightful and sensitive person. I have to say, I identify with the feelings you are currently experiencing, even though I am now 6 years out from my husband's A.

Unlike you, I was codependent, with the emphasis on WAS. I have changed many things in my life, but the A is a constant presence in my/our life. I cannot even say we are in R. I am devoid of what I always considered a necessary ingredient for a committed marriage. And I don't feel ready to work on us, because I am busy working on me.

All this sounds terrible, but my H is a compulsive liar, always has been. Shame on me for marrying him when I knew about this flaw. But I know he attempted to address this issue after his A, though I think resolving it is probably not in the cards. Call me a pessimist.

Practically a nightly ritual for her. Pictures of us when we were teenagers. Of our wedding. Of us in the hospital after the kids were born. Of them growing up. Birthday parties. Family get togethers. Everything about our lives for over 25 years. And she cries. Deep sobs while doing so. She'll even hug the albums. And cry. I leave her alone during this. I've told her it's not healthy, but who am I to judge?

This is really similar to what my H does. He apologizes frequently, cries about what he did to me (even after almost 6 years!). I may have a jaundiced eye, but I think this could be manipulative behavior. Because her crying and sobbing over your history every night is keeping you from popping the "D" word. Puts pressure on you, if that makes sense. Thanking you for not divorcing her...could it be an attempt to keep you from divorcing her? I don't know your wife, I have only my own experience.

You see, this past September, I found out that after all we had been through with his A, my H created a new email to start a "new" life with me, "committed to fidelity." With the Ashley-Madison garbage that came out, I checked this email and found a hit on it. I was able to log into his account and see that while I was almost dying from his betrayal, he was engaging in this disgusting behavior.

I had gone back to school full time for a new career, even though I am a grandmother. New semester started days after my AM discovery. He vehemently denied having created this profile on AM. Said the OW must have done it as payback I know for sure it was him, but have tabled the subject until I am finished with school (3 more semesters).

My point in sharing my experience is that perhaps you are feeling this flatness because your subconscious is picking up on something more subtle.

As far as your question about sharing your threads on SI, perhaps you could copy and paste what you want her to read and present it as a sort of journal? Because if you share the threads with her, forever after you must write as if she is reading your words, and that can present a whole new set of issues for you.

May you find healing and peace.

E.

((Walloped)). Thanks for the update.

My wxh was never really remorseful, but it sounds like she is. All that I can say is continue to give it time. 5 months isn't really very long.

Personally, seeing her cry over the photo albums would piss me off to no end. NOW, she realizes what she could have thrown away? Crocodile tears IMHO.

You need to focus on you and what you need. If letting her read your posts will help you, then do it.

Just an afterthought, that just hit me. If you want to preserve your safe place, and avoid having her reading some of the less than friendly things other posters said about her. You could go back thru your thread, highlight and print some of your posts that you think would be beneficial for her to read, making sure your user name and the site name don't appear. That way she would know how you felt and what you were thinking and she will not have access to your safe place. I just thought I would throw that out there. Take care brother.

Hi walloped. Thanks for the update. I've been rooting for your healing. I know it doesn't take away any pain for me to say this, but you are fortunate to have a remorseful wife. I think that sharing your threads might be helpful. I don't think she'll use it against you. But it might help to begin to deconstruct the walls you've built in self-protection against her. If you truly want to R, eventually you have to bring down those walls.

You describe her so lovingly. She's a lucky woman. I think she knows that.

Not sure if you'll be able to get over the desire thing though. That seems to be somewhat different for men than women (sorry for generalities), but I've seen stories for men where they can't get past the "tainted" view of their WWs. I'll leave that topic for the BHs that will be chiming in.

My only suggestion is to perhaps try to do some activities together... Pursue new interests... Something new to talk about and make some new connections with her? My WH and I started training for mud obstacle races and an extreme hike. We spent lots of time together.

I will also say that getting back into an exercise regimen will help. Truly. You already know that. I won't preach. Make it a 2016 resolution.

And don't be ashamed to talk to your doc about some ADs if you need them for awhile. It may help.

Sending strength and hope!

ETA. Brilliant idea to copy and paste into a separate doc. Not giving away your safe place. That's why this community is awesome. Great advice abounds!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 11:30 AM, January 4th (Monday)]

Hi, Walloped. Happy New Year to you and your loved ones as well!

That was a profound post you've written! Regarding the main question of the post, I think, given your description of where you (two) are, that I would show her your two JFO threads and invite her to post on the Wayward side (I think the Wayward side, coupled with the "Stop" option, is one of the main reasons why SI is the best site on the internet for dealing with infidelity).

If you decide to do so, I encourage you two to beforehand agree on some starting rules, for example whether you two will post on each other threads etc. You can always later on agree to change the rules.

I see very little bad coming from you telling her about SI at this point. She's shown she's remorseful, you have had safety here in the immediate aftermath where it was better for you to know you had full privacy here etc. But now I think her joining would present a great opportunity for further healing for both of you. I usually worry about BSs telling their WSs about this in the very beginning, where they can't know how their WS will react to it, whether they will use it against BSs etc. I think there's very little/no danger of that with your WS.

Also, you will still retain the option of PM with other members here that will provide privacy for you. Furthermore, if at any point you will want for her to discontinue reading your posts, you can still ask her to stop reading them for the foreseeable future.

So basically I see almost no risks for you in telling her, and lots of potential benefits.

However, it might be overwhelming for her to read both of your threads in go. So I would recommend you two take measures to prevent that. Maybe you could be there with her while she reads, so she can be reassured by your very presence that what you've written there is not (necessarily) what you feel/think now. Maybe you can write her a short note before she starts reading the threads to let her know how much you admire her efforts in the aftermath etc. Maybe you could arrange that she reads it a day or two before the next IC/MC session, so she won't have to wait too long for professional help. Maybe have the IC/MC on the stand by if her reading the threads will overwhelm her. Maybe send the kids away for the night so you two will be able to have peace and won't have to worry about the kids.

What I want to say is that it's something of a mirror situation of her affair, i.e. that you will know exactly what you meant when you wrote those words in those threads, you know how you feel&think now and how you did then, you know what is/were in the PMs you received, you had time to process everything written here. She doesn't/won't, at least not immediately. It will in some ways be similar for her as it was for you in the immediate discovery/aftermath of her cheating. What this mean is she will be extremely vulnerable (just as you will be showing her this place) and probably profoundly impacted by this. While I think in the long run she will benefit greatly from it, it would be prudent to ensure that nothing truly bad happens in the short-term.

Best wishes!

Oh, Walloped. My brother. I'll have to stew on this, but do want to give you some feedback. Later.

As one who shared SI with her WS and regretted in terribly, I would recommend NOT sharing it---not yet, at least.

You need a place of your own.

The rest? It sounds really encouraging. You're coping well-even though it doesn't FEEL good.

I hope your wife's IC soon achieves the goal of stopping her "self-torture." That isn't coping, and it's an obstacle to healing--hers, yours, and that of the marriage. It's distraction that prevents real work. It's self-indulgent. It accomplishes nothing other than keeping it about her.

But as a gentle reminder: healing from infidelity is a 2-5 YEAR proposition. There are no quick fixes. But it sounds like you're on the right track.

A profound post, Walloped. Some thoughts...

This is your safe place. If you share your threads, you will lose that, or at least it won't be the same. Even cutting and pasting. It'd take me a micro-second to hunt down their source.

What you write here is also a hidden, secret life of yours that you are keeping from your wife. She had her secrets, you now have yours. Maybe now is the time for transparency.

If you are going to try for R and know at the end of the day that you held nothing back, that you were all in, and if what is in here may be the key to move things forward, then how can you not show her this?

What are you willing to give up, what risk are you willing you take?

Tough questions, Walloped. Mine's just one opinion.

Edit:

you know, the real solution is to just share your feelings. Even if it is done without feeling. Just tell her what is washing over you. A bulleted list.

Crack the ice.

Wishing you the best...

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:02 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

Hello Walloped , Thanks for update .

With regards to letting your wife read your threads here , I think that the answer as to be absolutely YES , no dolt about it .

Firstly for the arguments about this being your only "safe place " , utter BS . This is an online forum where people give advice , nothing more .

In your previous threads you have told us about your brother and best friend " the one you went on your trip with " shortly after finding out . Those 2 people right there are more of a safe place to confide in than anyone here , Why , because they know you like nobody here does .

Second , talking about knowing you, and you talking in your update about knowing you wife and how this as cut you so deep because its just so f--king unbelievable , then surely its not only right but also fair to your wife that she gets to understand first hand from the person this has affected the most , exactly what her actions have done to you . Not to take her on a guilt trip or to shame her in anyone way , but to give her an understanding of why your finding so hard to open up to her at this stage . Being able to read your hart felt love , and your hart wrenching struggle to comprehend what lifes like for you now , will give her a far better understanding of what your needs , feelings ,hopes and fears are , much more than any therapist or books ever will .

Hey Walloped-

I always appreciate your thoughtful posts. So much of every you say and convey resonates with me still (which sucks for you because I'm 16 months out ).

I have the same thoughts about WH. And what I often feel is that's I KNOW he's a good person. He's hard-working, great provider, loyal, great dad, nice to me etc etc. But I'm not sure he's good for ME. And that's a big 'ol problem. I think we'll probably muddle through while the kids are in the house. It's hard for me to imagine staying once the kids are gone.

I still think your WW needs a job. And now she's even more caught up in having really nothing substantial to do. Sure she's running the house but that's mindless and boring. And so she's left with her thoughts all day about what a shitty person she is. And that's not healthy.

No, don't share SI with her. This is your place.

Thank you all for chiming in. This really is an amazing place and your advice so far, whether you recommend sharing SI with her or not, all come from the same place of caring and support. So thanks again.

On a side note, I agree that what she's doing is unhealthy. So does she, by the way - she just can't stop. For the record, I'd say 90% of the time she is focused on me and working on herself. What I wrote in my post is roughly the other 10% - where she does exhibit this self indulgent behavior and frankly, is having trouble not beating herself up and putting her big girl panties on. But she's hit an impasse of sorts since I can't / won't tell her what I need, so she's left guessing. Meaning, there's only so much she can do for herself or me, unless I let her in. I don't know. None of this is easy or follows a guidebook. We're like Indiana Jones - making it up as we go.

Regarding SI as my safe place, yes it is. As you can see, I don't really hold back here, which I am so ever grateful for - that you all don't mind that I let it all hang out. But it is also a crutch. I share here, but not with her. Every time I want to I get so bottled up from a emotional standpoint that I'm forced to either be supremely vulnerable or bottle it up. And I choose the latter option. So what do I give up if I let her read my threads? The inability to rant and rave or share my feelings? I can still do that if I need it. The only thing I can see that would be difficult is if I discuss divorce here but didn't want her to know. But I'm not wired that way - if I's seriously considering that as an option, I'd let her know well in advance. We have 5 kids. No matter what we'll be in each other's life for the rest of it.

I'm going to think a lot about this, but thanks for all your input so far. Great advice as always.

Your post is so deep with hurt and emotion it almost brings me back to my dday all over again. I wouldn't recommend you sharing this place with her - she may get frightened or more ashamed by some of the things people reply to you about. And you appear to be comfortable sharing with us so table that for now.

As for not wanting to open up to her and share - I think you are right on the money when you say it's because she hurt you and you no longer trust her. In the early days I made the mistake of looking g towards my FWH to help heal me. And he wanted to very badly be able to do that. Because he couldn't. I had to bring myself up out of the ruins and accept that my marriage was gone and needed to be buried. If we were going to survive a new marriage had to be born, with different expectations and very clearly defined boundaries.

One thing g I have learned. That forgiveness is not for the WS. It is not given to them so they get a free pass. It is not the BS accepting what was done to them and dismissing it. For me, it came once I had enough of the story to believe I had almost all of it. After all you can't forgive any action unless you truly know what you are forgiving. And your mc is right, you don't ever have to forgive especially if you are moving to a newer marriage. But when you free yourself of that burden, that nauseating feeling that you are angry or indifferent toward someone you love - and let's face it - when you love someone and they cheat, the feelings don't evaporate on dday. So there you are struggling with what they've done to you while you love them with all the parts of you.

I cannot speak for anyone but myself when I say that the decision to forgive my FWH came to me in a moment - I was about 1 year out and I just really felt it was the right time. I did it in mc so that I had the support of our therapist in reinforcing that this was not dismissive or acceptance.

And my heart was lighter the very next morning. It takes a lot to get to that place and I suspect you aren't there. Your experience sounds a bit heavier than mine.

Just remember she can't heal you any more than you can heal her. And frankly it's not your job to heal her. Focus on you and your well being and let her figure out how she is going to come back to the table.

Walloped - thank you for the update. You are a really smart, insightful guy and I appreciate reading your posts.

As others have said, 5 months out is not very long. I'm at 8.5 months. I remember the 4 month mark being incredibly dark. I took the time while writing this response to go back through some old emails from that time. I was at an absolute nadir, angry, distraught, and seeing little hope for reconciliation. If it is any consolation, I hardly recognize the person in those emails. I still trigger and have down times, but absolutely nothing like back then. The last 5 months have had ups and down, of course, but things have been on a generally upward trajectory. The dips are less frequent and less intense. I certainly hope the same proves to be true for you also.

In your post you seem to be asking yourself and us why you would want a cheater. As someone who is getting somewhat close to what I consider full reconciliation, maybe I can offer my perspective. My wife, like yours, is extremely remorseful. She has worked incredibly hard in MC, IC, group therapy, books, workbooks, introspection, and all the rest to understand her brokenness and be a better person. And I believe she is well on her way to not only being a person who wouldn't cheat again, but being a better wife, mother, partner, and lover. If you accept the premise (and I know not all people do) that we can change and improve ourselves, then why wouldn't you want the person that she becomes? You are going to get all of the things you describe (good person, warm, caring, altruistic, giving, sensitive, kind, intelligent, honest) PLUS someone who has looked deeply into her darkness (and remember we all have our own darkness) and tried to fix it. How many people do this? Not many. Look around at your friends' marriages. Not to compare, but to realize that there are few out there with good communication, connection, and passion. For me, at least, I think I can come out of this shit storm with a happier marriage. To an outsider it likely seems bizarre that I can say my marriage is better than most. They might think, "Are you nuts? Your wife cheated on you. How can a marriage marked by infidelity be considered strong?" The answer is that the marriage we had which led to infidelity was not strong (in spite of the fact that we thought it was). That marriage is dead. Our new marriage, while not perfect, is characterized by better communication, MUCH higher respect and appreciation for each other, a greater sense of humility, much less entitlement, more patience, and far greater passion. I'm only 8.5 months out. Perhaps I'm a deluded fool. Certainly I was pre-A. But my story matches at least a handful of others on here.

In terms of sharing SI with your wife, I'd lean towards yes. The primary reason being that you stated you are having trouble opening up to her. Her reading your posts could definitely be a spring board towards making that happen. If you are worried about how she may interpret things, you could structure your discussions of SI posts by having them during your MC sessions. Opening up is a critical part of reconciliation. It may be possible to heal without opening up to her, but I don't think it is possible to reconcile.

Finally, maybe a little semi-tough love for you. You have great worth and deserve to be happy. Therefore, you owe it to yourself to do all you can to find that happiness. Whether this is with your wife or not you don't yet know. But are you doing all you can to find the path to happiness? When you retreat to TV or a video game, can you push yourself just a little harder? Maybe that means exercise or maybe engaging with your wife or maybe reading a self-help book. Are you on meds and, if yes, could they be tuned a little better? You mentioned that both before and after the A you struggled with libido. Have you worked with your doctor on this? Are meds appropriate? Please don't take this advice as a recommendation or invitation to beat yourself up. In reading your posts it is clear you are strong and trying hard. There will be ups and downs and you need to treat yourself with loving kindness regardless of where you are at. I just want you to get the happiness you deserve.

I wish you peace and strength.

If you did share and she knew who you were, would you be able to continue sharing in total honesty or would you temper your questions and feedback because she might be reading?

I keep coming back to this post, wanting to have some profound feedback, but ugh - this really hurt my heart reading it. Not just for you, but because I relate to so, so much of it.

As to your question, I say share this place with her. My fwh reads this site just about every day, though doesn't really post. I know there's been times that he's been hurt by things I've written and/or replies that I've gotten, but I don't apologize for it.

I wish you the best.

One more thing. From your post:

She apologizes to me daily, thanks me for not divorcing her yet, tells me she loves me and keeps asking me what she can do to help me. Every night, without fail, she'll snuggle up behind me in bed, put one arm around me and kiss the back of my neck and thank me for giving her one more day. One more night of being there with her. For not giving up on her. On us. Begs me to open up and share what I'm feeling. To ask her anything I want about her affair.

She does these things because she loves you deeply and she wants you. This doesn't mean, necessarily, that she has done the work required to be a safe partner. It doesn't mean that reconciliation is the right path for you. And it sure doesn't make right the hideous wrong she did. But I did want you to know why she does those things. You've read enough stories on here to know how rare those actions and others from your wife are.