SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stretch said this;

At night, before you go to sleep now, rather than the capitalized usual emotions of the BH, all of which are there....still, you predominately feel sadness from your disappointment in your wife. You know the marriage can be saved if your wife no longer strays....but you had a very good marriage before and are now so disappointed in her because you know this will significantly diminish it. stretch

I agree 100% with Stretch here. Very well put, especially the last sentence

You had a very good marriage before and are now so disappointed in her because you know this will significantly diminish it.

Stretch

Yes. And what’s unfair is that the marriage is more diminished for you than your wife. She was having the time of her life with her marriage and her boyfriend. Her marriage during the affair was great. The affair was only sex, nothing to take personally.

Your actions now can diminish the marriage from your wife’s point of view. That’s obviously within your control. The more you rug sweep the more the marriage is not diminished for her.

Her actions diminished the marriage for you. What she did in the past can’t be changed. You’re stuck. It’s not fair that the person that caused the problem inherently can’t pay as large a price if you R. I think that’s one of the reasons many people call for D.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 8:34 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

but i get it that you think there is no chance for my wife not to betray me again and YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

nope, you don't get it

I am still not sure what you are telling me would be the proper course of action other than everything I have done and am doing is wrong.

I was pretty much telling you the same thing most posters are already telling you "Keep you eyes wide open". But I just went into a bit more detail. If you do not know what to look at, it is pretty much useless even if your eyes or open. So I asked you to empathize a bit more with a cheater mindset so that you can recognize the signs, both positive and negative.

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:12 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

It’s not fair that the person that caused the problem inherently can’t pay as large a price if you R. I think that’s one of the reasons many people call for D.

I don't disagree that it is one of the reasons people D, but I do think that line of thinking is totally incorrect.

It's not about revenge or making the WS "pay a price." There is nothing to be gained from that. Maybe it'll temporarily make the BS feel better, but that is fleeting and ultimately does not improve their situation one iota. The desire to do so is totally understandable and relatable. But it doesn't mean it's the right or smart thing to do.

The BS should focus on their own needs, how to heal, and what they want either in the marriage or to start anew and file for D. The WS should not factor into that determination unless the BS has a desire to remain in the M and the question they need to answer then is whether a) they can accept and live with what the WS did, and b) whether the WS will make himself or herself into a safe partner for the BS.

If D is chosen, the price the WS pays is a consequence. But D should not be chosen as a way to make the WS "pay." That is not the goal. It is a byproduct. Not only will making the WS "pay a price" not accomplish anything, the BS may actually be charting the wrong path and cause more personal harm and be unhappy as a result, more so than if the BS had gone down the path of R.

Either one is a valid choice - but it should be made for the right reasons. Making the WS pay or forcing a consequence to balance the scales or out of some sense of enforcing "fairness" is a fools path and one that will not lead to any beneficial outcome.

I was caught three times (after swearing the affair was over) but when my husband filed for divorce and my college aged children became aware, it was a whole new ballgame.

Wifecheater

Women especially care about relationships. When a teenage guy is mad at another guy he punches him. When a teenage girl is mad at another girl she tries to take away their friends.

The above is the power you have and the reason that your financially secure wife is willing to dance to your tune.

An interesting look into the mindset of a wayward. Thread started by mrsrb over in the waywards section

As I said earlier there is nothing typical about these situations but her explanation for her affair may, in part at least be applicable to your situation

It’s not fair that the person that caused the problem inherently can’t pay as large a price if you R. I think that’s one of the reasons many people call for D.

Graywolf

I don't disagree that it is one of the reasons people D, but I do think that line of thinking is totally incorrect.

Walloped

I was merely making an observation. I’m not saying how anyone should think or act. If I were a MC I would agree that it's more productive to think like Walloped described. Life is unfair and you have to deal with it the best you can.

The more you rug sweep the more the marriage is not diminished for her.

Graywolf

My observation was not incorrect. Let’s take an example of extreme rug sweeping. An affair is discovered and the BS says: “Everyone makes mistakes, just don’t let it happen again.” Then the BS acts just like they did before and never mentions the affair again. Then the marriage wasn’t diminished very much at all for the WS. I’m not saying if that’s good or bad. I’m just making the observation that it’s the way it is.

If the BS cared about their spouse’s faithfulness then the marriage was sufficiently diminished for them.

It’s not fair that the person that caused the problem inherently can’t pay as large a price if you R.

Graywolf

Again, life is unfair and you have to deal with it the best you can.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 11:09 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

STRETCH

.but you compared your resistance to her acquiesce of the inherent temptations you were both in constant exposure to.

Yeah Stretch, that pissed me off. Not like I haven't had plenty of opportunity.

WESTERN

.but you had a very good marriage before and are now so disappointed in her because you know this will significantly diminish it. stretch

You locked in on this one sentence. you are right. The marriage, if it survives, is diminished. How much it is diminished depends on the two of us. A lot of what I took out of this site before I posted anything was that there was a huge range of behavior associated with being betrayed. Everyone's situation is a little different. I was fortunate in that my kids are grown, I am not going to wind up in a room somewhere sharing custody, and I made up my mind to two things

(1) I was not going to engage in destructive personal behavior like turning to alcohol or drugs

(2)I was not going to piss away all the hard work and sacrifice I had put in on my career just because my wife made some really stupid and selfish decisions.

other than a few days of meds I have been able to stick to the promise I made to MYSELF.

GREYWOLF

Yes. And what’s unfair is that the marriage is more diminished for you than your wife. She was having the time of her life with her marriage and her boyfriend. Her marriage during the affair was great. The affair was only sex, nothing to take personally.

I think the first part of what you said is probably true for anyone who does not divorce. How can it ever be "fair". That's where only time will tell I think if it is possible to overcome that.

As far as her having "the time of her life".. not really sure I would call it exactly that. maybe if they were seeing each other day and carrying on a love bomb affair, going places, and sneaking around daily I might say what you said. If I have it all, and I think I do, we are talking about six encounters days over probably 7-8 months as they did not just gaze into each others eyes and go fuck. i'm just not sure that would be classified as the time of her life. Selfish and deceitful, yup.

KIMICHI

"Keep you eyes wide open".

empathize a bit more with a cheater mindset so that you can recognize the signs, both positive and negative.

Just not sure how my eyes can be more wide open. I got NC other than the meetings which i have explained many times, i got transparency as much as that means, I notified OM wife and have an ongoing communication with her. I basically know when OM is taking a piss ( sorry for the language), and I got an OBS who would like nothing better than to catch my wife again and ruin her marriage ( not exactly a fan of my wife). She is blaming my wife more than her husband since her mental state is having her believe men just cannot keep their zippers up so it had to be all my wife. not my job to argue with her.

CHEATERS MINDSET- the most common mindset I see, and I have been reading the Wayward but not commenting, is

"I got addicted to the ego kibbles"

"I did it because I wanted to"

"I enjoyed the thrill"

Those quotes come from three over there who are trying to save their marriages, and I think that is the HONEST mindset, rather than I did it because my husband would not watch TV with me.

Kimichi, one other thing that i will not expound on here because it my opinion on it is not important, but I honestly feel that women have a lot of pressure on them in today;s world where everything seems to be about "sex" and sex appeal and they are bombarded by information that feeds in to the ego kibble search that seems to be at the core of at lot of this shit.

WALLOPED

I don't disagree that it is one of the reasons people D, but I do think that line of thinking is totally incorrect.

It's not about revenge or making the WS "pay a price." There is nothing to be gained from that. Maybe it'll temporarily make the BS feel better, but that is fleeting and ultimately does not improve their situation one iota. The desire to do so is totally understandable and relatable. But it doesn't mean it's the right or smart thing to do.

The BS should focus on their own needs, how to heal, and what they want either in the marriage or to start anew and file for D. The WS should not factor into that determination unless the BS has a desire to remain in the M and the question they need to answer then is whether a) they can accept and live with what the WS did, and b) whether the WS will make himself or herself into a safe partner for the BS.

If D is chosen, the price the WS pays is a consequence. But D should not be chosen as a way to make the WS "pay." That is not the goal. It is a byproduct. Not only will making the WS "pay a price" not accomplish anything, the BS may actually be charting the wrong path and cause more personal harm and be unhappy as a result, more so than if the BS had gone down the path of R.

Either one is a valid choice - but it should be made for the right reasons. Making the WS pay or forcing a consequence to balance the scales or out of some sense of enforcing "fairness" is a fools path and one that will not lead to any beneficial outcome.

As usual, you have put it all correctly and clearly. I agree with that entire statement you made.

The polygraph is now set for next Friday. I have asked her to take the day before off and she has agreed. Probably be a pretty tense week next week, although at this point she is acting like she wants to do it yesterday. For me at least it will be tense. Either she is fit for the CIA or she can't be hiding much.

The marriage, if it survives, is diminished. How much it is diminished depends on the two of us.

This mindset didn't work for me, it prolonged a game of negotiation and chicken where it was assumed we were saving something of value. Any marriage with infidelity has MAJOR issues, both with the person making those choices and the BS and thier coping skills, codependency and historic ways of dealing with each other etc.. . Your marriage is dead. She killed it. It was probably like most of ours very wounded and dysfunctional when the death nail of infidelity was driven through it. The only question is do you choose to attempt to build a new marriage on your terms with new sets of conditions and commitments. But the old marriage is dead. You cant resuscitate a corpse. Leave it warts, unicorns/sparkles and all on the floor and walk away.

Then decide if you want to rebuild a new one and the conditions by which your willing to engage the new relationship. I would suggest this decision be made after extensive time and counseling where you first learn about yourself and your needs and wants before considering hers and any joint commitment going forward. This can all be accomplished while cohabitation if the ground rules are set and agreed to, but the process needs a fresh reboot and new ways of doing just about everything.

TTA -- I haven't spoken up until now but you and your approach to this storm remind me so strongly of Walloped and I first want to give you huge props for how you've conducted yourself. What this storm has showed us and hopefully everyone who is involved in person is what kind of person you really are. I hope and believe that both your wife and Walloped's wife come through this with an understanding that the man they married is even finer and stronger than they ever imagined.

This is a very thoughtful thread, not without disagreements amongst the posters, and one of the things that seems to happen is folks veer back and forth from the specifics of your situation to generalities about WW behavior.

At the risk of a t/j, I would very much like your opinion (and perhaps that of Walloped as well) on this: how much worry and weight do you put to the following question: If your wife's AP had been more appropriate (nearby, actually single, whatever it took to make them a good potential partner for a future life together with your wife), what might have happened? Feelings were developed, so if there was a viable Plan A with the AP, would you have become a Plan B? Of course, one reason to ask is because your wife will undoubtedly meet lots of men in the course of day-to-day life in the future, and even though this A blew up, a next one with a "better" AP might have a different outcome for her.

I ask because this seems to me to be a key question for both you and your wife to face, for any marriage to face. Just within a major city, if you searched, you could probably find 100's or 1000's of potential partners with whom you could lead a happy life. It is possible that your life with these potential partners could be happier than the life you've built with your spouse. What will keep you in this marriage?

It seems to me that inertia alone cannot suffice, even the inertia of a shared life with kids. There must be a bond, a recognition that a choice has been made and that you really are forsaking all others, that better sex, a better home, better dinners, better weekends, better vacations, all those "betters" that might be if you chose another are really, completely gone, that your choice is final and that you are happy with your choice despite the limits and faults of your spouse.

That doesn't mean your wife becomes a hermit, or can't find other men attractive or fun to be around. It just means that in a fundamental way the possibility of choosing them has been deliberately removed. That is work your wife had evidently not done, must do, and it would lead to asking why it wasn't done before.

LHP

This mindset didn't work for me, it prolonged a game of negotiation and chicken where it was assumed we were saving something of value. Any marriage with infidelity has MAJOR issues, both with the person making those choices and the BS and thier coping skills, codependency and historic ways of dealing with each other etc.. . Your marriage is dead. She killed it. It was probably like most of ours very wounded and dysfunctional when the death nail of infidelity was driven through it. The only question is do you choose to attempt to build a new marriage on your terms with new sets of conditions and commitments. But the old marriage is dead. You cant resuscitate a corpse. Leave it warts, unicorns/sparkles and all on the floor and walk away.

Then decide if you want to rebuild a new one and the conditions by which your willing to engage the new relationship. I would suggest this decision be made after extensive time and counseling where you first learn about yourself and your needs and wants before considering hers and any joint commitment going forward. This can all be accomplished while cohabitation if the ground rules are set and agreed to, but the process needs a fresh reboot and new ways of doing just about everything.

I can agree with some of this, but for you it is all valid. I don't know your story.

Very few marriages have no dysfunction so I am sure mine is no exception. Easily recognizable is too much "auto pilot" and not enough true relationship. A good amount of sex, but real intimate sex???, probably not like ideal. not my fault but both our faults. Probably easy to find some more examples.

As far as the tons of counseling necessary, I' not buying that one for now. My opinion, and remember at this point I have no poly results, is that I am not dealing with a serial cheater and that this MAY be what you would or someone did call a "one off". For folks who have a different interpretation of this and who truly believe there is no difference between this and an affair where two people discuss leaving their spouses and meet up daily and exchange thousands of texts a week for long periods, maybe the immediate and long therapy sessions are needed.

I have been following two threads in particular that reinforce my feeling that rushing into therapy is not always the cure all.

I am not naming names because not sure if that is Ok, but some of you may know who I am talking about.

The first is a guy who catches his wife in year long affair with co worker, refuses to listen to ANY of the advice, and then once that affair stops his wife finds another guy at gym and is currently banging this guy. And this IDIOT MC is taking this poor guys money and sitting there in supposed therapy with a woman who is leaving his office to go fuck her boyfriend. The MC should be disbarred.

The second is a WW wife who is trying really hard to R and her genius IC tells her not to tell her husband all the details.

My point is I at this point do not think therapy is my "aspirin" here. For you it may have been and I applaud you for recognizing that. I do not rule it out if I get to that point.

The certain thing is, and you are correct, I need her to totally cut out all these "womens" business groups, not only the trips but the damm meetings. These have definitely contributed to some "dysfunction" as you put it. Her buying into this "You Can Have It all" crap needs to go, and she has agreed with no argument to that.

SPOKEN FOR

Thanks for the support.

At the risk of a t/j, I would very much like your opinion (and perhaps that of Walloped as well) on this: how much worry and weight do you put to the following question: If your wife's AP had been more appropriate (nearby, actually single, whatever it took to make them a good potential partner for a future life together with your wife), what might have happened? Feelings were developed, so if there was a viable Plan A with the AP, would you have become a Plan B? Of course, one reason to ask is because your wife will undoubtedly meet lots of men in the course of day-to-day life in the future, and even though this A blew up, a next one with a "better" AP might have a different outcome for her.

I honestly think Walloped might be better qualified to answer that question because in my case it would be totally speculative since none of that came close to occurring. I do not want to speak for him, but I think his situation came closer to what you are describing in your question.

Like I said earlier, I have learned here that ANYTHING can happen. If there is one thing I am more certain of than anything else right now, it is that my wife would not be interested in taking on a family of three children under 10 years old. Take my word on that one.

Spoken, maybe I misunderstand the second part of your post, but my wife is not out cruising bars every night looking for men. Let me rephrase that. I do not believe at this point she was doing that. We' ll find out next week.

She has, in the course of business travel, and with the girls only activities, put herself in situations where the opportunities for something bad happening increase. As i said, if she did this, I would have assumed that it would have happened with someone she met that way, NOT a co worker she only say at meetings and included the danger not only to her marriage but her career. not sure if i answered you right, but I tried.

I tried to stay out of this, but I'll give it one more shot:

As far as the tons of counseling necessary, I' not buying that one for now. My opinion, and remember at this point I have no poly results, is that I am not dealing with a serial cheater and that this MAY be what you would or someone did call a "one off". For folks who have a different interpretation of this and who truly believe there is no difference between this and an affair where two people discuss leaving their spouses and meet up daily and exchange thousands of texts a week for long periods, maybe the immediate and long therapy sessions are needed.

This, right here, is what some of us have been saying: You think this was just some kind of accident that won't happen again (you've repeatedly stated with all confidence that your WW won't). Unless your WW understands what was broken inside of her for her to make that choice (and remember, this wasn't a ONS - she kept going back to the well), internalizes that, and makes the requisite self-growth so that she is not looking for external validation - she will cheat again.

You got out of infidelity, and that is good. But random polys, monitoring, telling her what groups she can/cannot belong to (this may generate resentment on her part, btw) or whatever, are not what are going to keep this from happening again. Her fixing herself is what is needed.

Your insistence that she won't cheat again, doesn't need counseling, that she is "different" from those other WW, is really just rugsweeping.

[This message edited by WornDown at 1:38 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

At the risk of a t/j, I would very much like your opinion (and perhaps that of Walloped as well) on this: how much worry and weight do you put to the following question: If your wife's AP had been more appropriate (nearby, actually single, whatever it took to make them a good potential partner for a future life together with your wife), what might have happened? Feelings were developed, so if there was a viable Plan A with the AP, would you have become a Plan B? Of course, one reason to ask is because your wife will undoubtedly meet lots of men in the course of day-to-day life in the future, and even though this A blew up, a next one with a "better" AP might have a different outcome for her.

I'll take a shot at answering. TTA - sorry for the t/j.

Do I worry? No. Does it weigh on me? Yes. Absolutely.

My wife was emotionally invested in POS. But hers was not an exit affair. She was not only not looking to leave, she never even considered it. In fact, this was a poly question which she passed. She has said the possibility existed had the affair continued. However, that is more her being honest with me and herself than a statement of feeling. What I mean by that is I've also asked if she could cheat in the future. She answered yes. Not because she thinks she will. She doesn't. Not by a long shot. But a year ago, if anyone asked if she'd ever cheat on me, she says she would have laughed at them. Yet she went ahead and did. So in all honesty, how can she say for sure she couldn't in the future? She's obviously the kind of person who could because she did (her words, paraphrased). So her work is to do all she can to find her whys, put up safeguards, etc. to ensure she wouldn't.

Another point, her emotional involvement was not about looking for a replacement. It was the validation she received from the A. Plus, where my wife and TTA's differ is that while TTA's wife could have sex six times without any emotional involvement, mine could not. For my wife, the emotional attachment was a necessary precursor to a PA. There could not be a PA without the EA. Just not how she's wired. Perhaps it's her subconscious way of justifying or allowing herself to have the A, but I've since learned that the EA aspect had absolutely nothing t do with me and was all about her and what she got out of the affair.

So. Does all that still weigh on me? Of course. The whole f-ing thing still weighs on me. Am I concerned about her finding a better AP or a new one? No. I'm not. Because that's not what this was about. At all. And I know that from the work she's been doing for the past 5 months. In addition, part of that is my recognition that I will be okay if she does veer off again. Meaning, if she ultimately chose to find another POS, that's her prerogative and there's not much I can realistically do to stop her. But rest assured we won't be married after that. And my reaction and how I view myself will be very different in that case vs how it was in August after DDay.

Hope that answers your question.

I understand the importance you are placing in the polygraph because, frankly, you have no choice. However, a polygraph is very easy to beat. Really. And many times the results are a product of the bias of the examiner. Both of these statements have been demonstrated many times. For example, this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/12/magazine/how-to-beat-a-polygraph-test.html?_r=0

A quick search will find countless others.

But, like I said, you have nothing else to turn to. What I would do is to study up on the way's that are used to beat a poly and then work to mitigate them. For example, you might be wise to schedule back-to-back poly's with different examiners. Also, study the questions you want to ask her and work on the structure of them. The answers pretty much need to be yes/no so the way the question is presented is paramount. You need to identify what it is you want to know and then ask multiple questions, each phrased differently, to have the best chance for a conclusive answer.

I'm sure this has been pointed out but the value of a polygraph is usually the "parking lot confession" that the BS gets. The morning of the test offer her complete amnesty on anything she tells you but that if you determine she is lying you will not attempt to reconcile. She may stick to her story then if she believes she can beat the test but give it up in the parking lot. If she does open up and tell you everything then you can make a better decision as to how you want to proceed. At this point you would know the depth of her dishonest so the "amnesty" thing is meaningless. I mean, all's fair for a BS to get the truth. Phone hacking, GPS, VAR, PI - adding a misleading offer of amnesty is just another tool.

Your wife is a smart, capable woman who can learn techniques to beat the poly quickly and easily. You might be able to toss her a curve here by telling her that you worked with an expert to formulate the questions and that the machine is the latest technology designed to eliminate many of the common things people try in order to beat the machine.

Since you are hanging so much on this I'd like to see you get the best possible outcome which is a result you can be at peace with.

Worn Down,

Since you gave it one more shot, I'll give it one more shot

You think this was just some kind of accident

Those are your words, not mine,. no where have i referred to her cheating as an accident.

and remember, this wasn't a ONS - she kept going back to the well)

No dispute there. I also stated that we all have different feelings about type of affair. The overwhelming number of WS do go back to the well because I believe most ONS are never caught if they stay at that. We just do not agree on the " damaged goods' she is having fucked up this way given the sheer amount of opportunity she has had.

she will cheat again.

Now that one is strictly YOUR opinion and I respect your opinion but do not have to accept your inevitable result. How about all the recurrences on here where thousands of dollars and years were spent on MC or IC.??? My point is where is the guarantee of result. There is none.

Someone told me to read NP5. I did until i got sick reading it. He sure had plenty of therapy, and so did his wife.

Your insistence that she won't cheat again, doesn't need counseling, that she is "different" from those other WW, is really just rugsweeping.

Don't know where you got that from. Quite the contrary. I said I accepted that it could happen again , that I was willing to take that chance if she passed the poly. I DID say my gut tells me this was the first OM and only OM. Maybe i was not clear enough.

THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES on any of this and I think I did say that if anyone could come up with any ironclad guarantees they would become richer than Trump overnight.

I did not say i would never do counseling. I DID SAY I do not buy into that she needs tons of it and that i did not feel compelled to run immediately into it. And I did say i do not think it is a "cure all".

And I do not buy in to that if I do not do it your way that I am rugsweeping.

Definitive statements based on your experience is projecting, and I do understand that because how else would you have any opinion.

Now I am sorry if you are frustrated with our differences, but i have tried to explain it as best as i can.

Fine...not an "accident" but a "one-off" incident.

""Really, though it's very simple: If she passes the poly, then this was a one-off, ONE bad decision, not a pattern of behavior. If she fails the poly on past other affairs, in my opinion, not good. That is really the only question I would care about at this time, did she have other affairs in the past?""

The above quote is exactly the way I feel right now. You hit that on head .

And yes , if my wife passes the polygraph test , and as WK55 said it is proven this was a one off , as shitty as it is it could have been worse .

You replied to my comment of:

Your insistence that she won't cheat again, doesn't need counseling, that she is "different" from those other WW, is really just rugsweeping.

with:

Don't know where you got that from. Quite the contrary. I said I accepted that it could happen again , that I was willing to take that chance if she passed the poly. I DID say my gut tells me this was the first OM and only OM. Maybe i was not clear enough.

THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES on any of this and I think I did say that if anyone could come up with any ironclad guarantees they would become richer than Trump overnight.

I did not say i would never do counseling. I DID SAY I do not buy into that she needs tons of it and that i did not feel compelled to run immediately into it. And I did say i do not think it is a "cure all".

And I do not buy in to that if I do not do it your way that I am rugsweeping.

But you've gone to great lengths to point out how "different" your WW's affair was from others:

A few folks have continued to proclaim how there is virtually no chance that my wife will not cheat on me again (Stretch I am not talking about you ) in no uncertain terms, BUT that they surely would have recommended R to Space Ghost and Walloped. So in my mind let's take a moment to examine the three wives here

MRS SPACE GHOST

(1) carries on multi month affair with her boss in office with him every day

(2) gets caught virtually three times and asked at dinner a number of times and lies her ass off

(3) two days before getting served at work, tells OM or girlfriend on phone that it's not as much "fun" any more

(4) and we probably have no idea how many times they hooked up after work or in the office since she worked next to him all day and Space Ghost never revealed most of what he heard on VAR.

Yet somehow, a few of the folks seem to think she is a great candidate for R ??? WHY?? Because she collapses on floor when served??? because she tells family. She had to tell the family because he was going to do it because he served her with divorce papers.

And what I read is excuses for her actions because he had told her infidelity was a deal breaker so she was JUSTIFIED in continuing to lie to him. Sorry, I call bull shit on that.

Mrs. WALLOPED

(1) plays house with a guy for three months, telling him she loves him

(2) comes home to Walloped multiple times right after she got done lounging around OM apartment the whole day

(3) lies about NC , spends 21 minutes on NC communication, goes to SIL house and breakers NC again

(4) tells Walloped she had intense feelings for OM and could not have predicted what would have happened.

Now, personally I think one of the big things Walloped is tormented with now is that if this OM had not been still married but rather a single or totally divorced OM, what the hell would have happened.

But again some of the same folks reminding me how "hopeless' my situation is consider Mrs. Walloped a great candidate for R. Maybe so, but why is she not likely to cheat again.???? I'll tell you why. Because she got caught and now realizes Walloped may dump her. No other reason.

Now to Mrs. TTA

(1) fucked OM 6 times

(2) never procl;aimed anything but "lustful" feelings

(3) the world "love" was never mentioned

(4) lied one time about it not being a co worker in CYA mode ( is that unusual)?????

(5) made stupid statement about wanting to let it go on, which seems to be the one statement that some just cannot let go of.

Would either of the other two wives who are great R candidates have stopped what they were doing on their own??? Highly unlikely.

UnderCover,

Not sure what Done Gones thread should mean to me other than his wife did what mine did, namely fucked another guy more than once who she had no intention of leaving him for. That's where the similarity ends. By the way, I LOVE that he kicked the guys ass in without winding up in jail I think.

Now, correct me if I am wrong. I did not read the entire thread

(1) he catches wife and OM together ( I did not)

(2) the OM and DG live in same area so wife can meet OM easily in person (my wife could not and did not)

(3) ass hole OM disparaged DG repeatedly and wife and OM had good cackles about DG being clueless ( nothing I uncovered had any derogatory talk about me by either OM or WW)

(4) DG wife got his kids involved ( mine did not)

(5) DG's wife lied to MC and refused to let him have computer

(Mine did not)

I probably could go back and find more, but maybe I am missing it but not sure why you think it would be good if I had talked to him because our situations were similar. Undercover, honestly if my wife did what he just posted I know where I would be.

And you admitted that something was wrong with her boundaries, but then immediately dismiss it as a moment of weakness, that she had more opportunity than a mere SAHM. The odds just simply caught up with her?

Obviously something went wrong on her boundaries, but her opportunity to fuck up was much greater than a SAHM. She spends a lot of time alone away from home and probably has been propositioned on the road or hit on an immense number of times more than most women. NOT AN EXCUSE, but a fact. if a woman goes out to GNO every Friday night surrounding herself with men trying to get in her pants, aren't her chances of making a terrible mistake increased.

You are absolutely right in that her boundaries were shit. But your dismissal of her going into IC to understand why is wrong.

From your own statements, it seems to me (and others) that you are trying (maybe not consciously) to minimize what your WW did (a "one-off", not as bad as other WWs), so that you can justify R.

You don't like guarantees? Fine. I'll restate it: If you Ww does not get to the bottom of why she chose to cheat, and fix that brokeness in her, then there is a very high likely hood of recidivism.

Now that one is strictly YOUR opinion and I respect your opinion but do not have to accept your inevitable result. How about all the recurrences on here where thousands of dollars and years were spent on MC or IC.??? My point is where is the guarantee of result. There is none.

Someone told me to read NP5. I did until i got sick reading it. He sure had plenty of therapy, and so did his wife.

timetoact,

I thought I might just swoop in here from out of the blue to give my 2 cents. I read only a little of the thread, first page or two and last few pages.

It seems from my skimming that your WW was initially told you she wanted you and your children to just put up with her "lust affair". Well Edith (my WW) told me that "if she couldn't have her friend, that she was through with me!" It was just an EA at the time, but later it became a PA. You found out much more info and acted much faster than I.

Edith screwed him 12 times over 8 months as I was begging her to stop the affair. Again, I was thinking it was just an EA and she continued it underground. The polygraphs finally caught up to her and she had to admit. By that time, she had broken it off. She failed the first polygraph and then passed the second after dumping another load of shit on me.

One thing that is different from your wife and mine is that Edith LOVED HIM. She loved him in every way a woman can love a man. She wrote love texts, love letters, love emails, he wrote tunes and played for her in front of audiences songs dedicated to her. She ate it up. In November of 2014 I saw from her browser history that she was contemplating divorcing me and continuing to date him during the divorce proceedings. She almost left me, a fit, kind, steadfast, loving, multi-millionaire (admittedly prideful?) for a man ten years older, declining, serial cheating, lying near homeless pauper. WTF?

She cheated on me during our MC and my IC as I was writhing in pain from her affair. She was as cruel, heartless, and blind to my pain and as a person can be. I still am astounded.

But she came out of it. It took a long time and a lot of tortuous turns. She is trying, really trying to recover from her horrible actions. If Edith can turn it around after torturing me for 26 months, there is hope for anyone to turn it around.

I'm not out of the woods, but we are certainly no longer in the darkest part. It's up to you now if you see the trend and approvingly encourage your wife. The place matters, but far more it is the direction of travel. If you see improvement, I encourage you to keep up the march.

Good luck to you.

NP5

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 4:45 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

IU thought Graywolf, the Drifter posts were excellent. especially Graywolfs.

I am glad NP5 chimed in too

notperfect5: I gotta tell you I nearly threw up reading your story. And the at the end you tell us:

she came out of it. It took a long time and a lot of tortuous turns. She is trying, really trying to recover from her horrible actions. If Edith can turn it around after torturing me for 26 months, there is hope for anyone to turn it around.

I'm sorry my friend, but I don't give a shit about your Edith. All that torture must have nearly killed you and has to have scared your heart deeply. My sympathy is for you alone.

Take a look at your motivations of staying faithful over the years.

As you think about yourself, then think about your wife. You can even sit with her and listen to your "mindset" vs. hers.

You both took a vow of faithfulness.

When opportunity arrived, did you refrain out of:

A. Ethics/character/keep your vow?

B. Thought you would get caught?

C. Thought you wouldn't get caught but even then it wasn't worth the risk of consequences (damaged marriage/possible divorce/kids-family knowing)?

D. Thought if you did get caught you would get divorced?

E. You did not even think about your wife or marriage, you just didn't want to be anyone but your wife?

F. You just believe strongly that cheating is wrong?

G. You believe in God and believe it is a grave sin?

H. You never feel attracted to the opposite sex?

You get the idea.

I thought about these motivations and "why's" for myself saying "no" to opportunities while my wife did give in. I found looking at myself vs. my wife to be useful to look at what we both truly believe in and/or where we have serious differences. There were either serious differences or a huge breakdown in her values.

My family was the core of my life. If she says she didn't even think about you when she cheated or that it "wasn't about you," that is very telling about her core focus at that time. Neither might be her case, but be some other outlook of how she thought about you while this happened. I think her values about vows, marriage, meaning of love, faithfulness are important to at least know about our unfaithful wives to go forward.