SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why am I not a walking "basket case" like so many of the BH who arrive here. I only had to take some meds a few days, after some good old fashioned yelling I am not throwing things at the walls or WW. After one night out of house, why did I not make her leave again and just had her stay in another bedroom. I am not cursing at her daily. I am not having mind movies that prohibit me from functioning sexually with her ( not yet anyway).

Timetoact

You’re in survival mode. Shock gives you time to adapt and survive. You just put one foot in front of the other while things reset. If you have no idea what to do sometimes people and animals just continue doing what they’ve always done. They don’t know how to play the new part so they just keep playing the old comfortable part.

That is why every case is so different, and can't be compared to others. Suggestions, advice and encouragement are great, but the end of the day it is up to each individual, their gut feeling, their amount of empathy, that will decide on what is best for their circumstance...

downintx

The above is the bottom line. As long as your eyes are wide open whatever path you take is fine. Just be aware that because you’re doing surprisingly well now doesn’t mean that it will remain that way. Years or decades from now something may trigger you causing everything to come flooding back. Deal with it now.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 12:56 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

Why am I not a walking "basket case" like so many of the BH who arrive here. I only had to take some meds a few days, after some good old fashioned yelling I am not throwing things at the walls or WW. After one night out of house, why did I not make her leave again and just had her stay in another bedroom. I am not cursing at her daily. I am not having mind movies that prohibit me from functioning sexually with her ( not yet anyway).

You could be denying the damage this has done - and will continue to do - to you and to your relationship.

Denial is not you pretending she didn't have the affair, it's denying how much damage her betrayal has done. It's the defense mechanism that our mind uses to ease it's way into accepting that such a horrible trauma has occurred. Of course it's also possible that you accept what she did as a mistake and are happy to chalk it up to a bad experience and move on with your life. I guess you will find out which it is over the next few months.

Ive read DoneGone's thread and i think you could have added that for balance as his wifes affair was for curiosity+lust i.m.o. love never came into the equation in fact she knew from the start what a complete idiot she had been desroying her husband her marriage and her family and tryed to use what ever she could to stop him finding out she had been physical with her POS when he took her laptop+phone

He how ever before the physical contact came out was heading toward D...even his choice of name pre finding out showed where his head was

The end of the day it comes down to what an individual can accept to live with taking into account all the years spent together with the betrayer and what they think can still be

The double pain in DoneGone's case is the text where his wife started to defend him and when pushed by the POS joined in at the end with the desparaging remark

Its a shame you and DoneGone couldnt meet up for a talk

[This message edited by UnderCover at 5:32 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

yeah I was involved in the thread DG went through hell. His wife now suffers for her unethical and disgusting actions.

I was worried about him for a while. Based on her cheating and abuse, I called for D the whole way. I am glad he did it. he can move on and she can be a text book example of hat not to become just because 'the kids are gone;. Shame on her. She lost what she wanted.

Kudos to DG He got what he needed. He could never trust her again after the abuse and cheating. He is in a better place and the POS other man is ... well..... maybe he can get a job at 7/11 MF'er His wife lost the best thing she ever had. Her misery, not his

BTW, I posted this thinking accidentally it was on DG's thread not TTA.

TTa's case is different. I stand by my thoughts but apologize that I posted the right thing on the wrong thread. Each case is different as is TTa's so TTA, take my thoughts here as independent of your thread.

[This message edited by Western at 7:20 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

UnderCover,

Not sure what Done Gones thread should mean to me other than his wife did what mine did, namely fucked another guy more than once who she had no intention of leaving him for. That's where the similarity ends. By the way, I LOVE that he kicked the guys ass in without winding up in jail I think.

Now, correct me if I am wrong. I did not read the entire thread

(1) he catches wife and OM together ( I did not)

(2) the OM and DG live in same area so wife can meet OM easily in person (my wife could not and did not)

(3) ass hole OM disparaged DG repeatedly and wife and OM had good cackles about DG being clueless ( nothing I uncovered had any derogatory talk about me by either OM or WW)

(4) DG wife got his kids involved ( mine did not)

(5) DG's wife lied to MC and refused to let him have computer

(Mine did not)

I probably could go back and find more, but maybe I am missing it but not sure why you think it would be good if I had talked to him because our situations were similar. Undercover, honestly if my wife did what he just posted I know where I would be.

Now back to the issue at hand here. I got some tentative poly questions from Walloped, and I could use some help and suggestions from any of you who have either done one or investigated doing one. It will be done probably on 2/26 or 3/4.

I want to do it on a Friday so no matter what happens I have the week end to debrief myself or my wife. I am tired but I will list some questions I can think of.

Also, any opinions on telling her the questions???? I think not, but I do not think it will be hard for her to figure out the BIG one. My plan to do this is set and I do not believe she is going to become James Bond and figure out how to beat the polygraph.

Once the date is finalized, I am going to sit down with my wife and go through the whole thing again and tell her how much I need her to tell me herself if there is any more for me to know that I do not already know. And there is no way I am cancelling this no matter what she does or does not tell me.

I do want to say one last thing. While when reading the Space Ghost thread I also wanted like a lot of others for him to really sock it to her, but that is not me. If I decide to leave my wife, I am not going to have her served at work, not going to try to ruin her relationship with our children.

I pray it does not come to it, but if this turns into a worse nightmare, this is still the woman who brought the two most wonderful things I have into this world with me, gave me a long long wonderful marriage, and despite what she has done, is not a monster. I wil;l give her the assets she is entitled to and move on with my life.

My gut tells me that will not be the case, but just being on this forum has me convinced ANYTHING can happen.

People miss the points in these stories.

DG or SG could even now R if they wanted to. The point is they got full control.

For true R to happen there is always consequences.

Your WW will have none, just a three week time out.

Exposure builds character. Makes someone change in order to get back her life. It works.

One last point ref DG He only found out what they did and said because he grabbed the laptop and waited untill he was made to go to 3 MC sessions, she wanted him to go to before she would give him the passwords where he then got all the texts

I would think all WS desparage their spouces to their POS to varying degrees i mean they give everything up to them anyway,he was unlucky/lucky to find all the texts on her lap top and phone

Back to your current thought

Your questions with a polygraph have to be precise and need a yes or no answer

Top ones

1.other than (the guy she slept with) and your husband have you ever kissed anyone passionatly since you have been married.

2.other than xx have you ever had sexual contact;which means more than kissing with anyone else since being married

3.other than xx have you ever had intercourse with anyone else since your marriage

if number 3 she fails on examiner should ask have you had intercourze with more than 4 men(fill in what ever number) other than your husband and xx

Some allow up to 5 questions

[This message edited by UnderCover at 3:44 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

A few things. First Graywolf brings up : Should we act to prevent the FIRST physical betrayal. Again depends who you are. Most of us, of course we do. Manfromlamancha and myself. No! Because we don't want a relationship with someone who WANTS to sleep with someone else. Doesn't mean our girls can't find someone very appealing....but if the LUST for him it is a deal breaker.

TTA : you are not a basket case because your primary wound is your disappointment in your wife. All the other emotions all BH's suffer are in you but disappointment predominates, and disappointment DOES NOT BRING FORTH GREAT ANGER, ANGUISH, HEARTBREAK OR RAGE. Disappointment brings forth a melancholy like affect. You are in the same general field.....The Business World....and you resisted what she succumbed to.......thus your disappointment in her. In time all the other emotions will come forward but not to such an extent as in many others. It is almost an intellectual failing of your wife that you are morning.

Done Gone's thread, mentioned by posters here, presents a very interesting point. Disrespect and Disparagement. If I saw these elements were revealed to the BS (this was only moderately worse for BH's than BW's) even if the parties seemed to both want R......it virtually was doomed to failure. If I was doing IC and found the WW had severely disparaged the BH......and it had to come out as keeping truth away from the BH itself would destroy R.......I explored the path with the WW to simply divorce, thereby staying ethical and preserving a good co-parenting option. If they had no kids I pointed out there really was no reason to R if her words were meant. If they say they were not meant I would say, "maybe so, but you can't take back words or bullets". A differentiation in TTA's wife's words to keep the affair going when first caught......she in no way personally disparaged him, as bad as the inferences that can be drawn are. Done Gone would have tried R if anything but the great disrespect had not been present. She never appreciated him for the strong man he was and mistook his kindness for weakness. To her horror, when she realized the quality of her husband, especially in contrast to the worm she picked to sleep with....she KNEW her words doomed her. Her husband continued to show his character in the aftermath by taking no pleasure at all in her self destruction despite numerous despicable things she did to him and her children. A related, non verbal type of disrespect that very often is a deal breaker is the WS having sex in the marital home, especially the bed. When practicing I would always prefer to get the WS interviewed before revelations were made to the BS. By the WS going for the divorce first when their conduct was un-redeemable, a great deal of pain and strain in any co-parenting post D relationship can be avoided ethically. stretch

Also, any opinions on telling her the questions?

From everything I have read on here from those that had their WS take a polygraph, the examiner will go over the questions with your wife before the test.

Most questions can only have a Yes or No answer, but not all examiners require this.

There can be no emotional type questions as far as I know, for example, did you love him?

Cover all the bases with your questions that you need answered.

There was a poster in a different forum who used to argue with posters, defending his wife from their criticism.

He would initially post the gory details as a bait(maybe subconsciously), wait for people to respond or criticize and start defending her. Then he would tell them what all she did since the D-day, how she was being the perfect wife and attack people who disagree. It was probably his method of re-establishing his reasons to reconcile and re-bond with his wife. Maybe it is a workable strategy for some. What happened in his situation was that he ended up blinding himself to the truth and he had a devastating D-day 2. Not because his wife cheated again but because he did not have the complete truth and refused any suggestions that suggested that he look beyond the obvious. He knew a fes details and filled up the rest with his imagination, even the part about his wife's remorse because that is what he wanted.

Now to Mrs. TTA

(1) fucked OM 6 times

(2) never procl;aimed anything but "lustful" feelings

(3) the world "love" was never mentioned

(4) lied one time about it not being a co worker in CYA mode ( is that unusual)?????

(5) made stupid statement about wanting to let it go on, which seems to be the one statement that some just cannot let go of.

Your situation is a bit different but reading your responses keep reminding me of his posts...The condescending combative tone, comparing what your wife did to other posters , falling over yourself trying to make up justifications(yes, you are), intentionally being dense and misleading with replies..

And don't misunderstand/twist this post into me trying to get you to file for divorce, because you seem to do it quite often.

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:32 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

In the unlikely circumstances I ever get my wife to a polygraph this is what I would ask her:

Have you had any sexual contact during your marriage with anyone other than your husband or xxx?

Did you and xxx have sexual contact beyond what you told your husband?

Was xxx ever in your home?

“Sexual contact” includes vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, receiving or giving oral sex, touching the genitals of another, or allowing the touching of your genitals, phone sex, “sexting” or exchanging nude photographs, video sex, open mouth kissing (French kissing), allowing your breasts to be touched.

Your situation is a bit different but reading your responses keep reminding me of his posts...The condescending combative tone, comparing what your wife did to other posters , falling over yourself trying to make up justifications(yes, you are), intentionally being dense and misleading with replies..

TTA is not the one who is comparing... All he is saying is, that others should stop comparing him to others, and suggest that what they did, he should do...

We all share one thing - our spouses cheated on us, but beside that, each affair is different - different time of events, different mentalities, etc... so whenever he gets advised to do what others are telling him to do, because j&j doe did, he defends that by saying he is in a total different situation... which he is, and he has a right to make that known, whichever way he wishes to express that - that is his choice...

Not sure what Done Gones thread should mean to meother than his wife did what mine did

Hi TTA, have meant to post in your thread for a few day but as I get myself prepared I find that someone has jumped in with what I had intended to post

First of all I would like to agree with most of the posters here in that I do think you are handling this as best you can

I found it interesting in an earlier post that you summarized and analysed both SpaceGhosts and Wallops threads and compared them with your situation. I wanted to suggest, at that time, two other threads that would be worthy of comparison, that of NotPerfect5 and DoneGone (I do realise that you have already scanned DG’s thread). I wanted to mention these as examples of WS’s at the opposite end of the spectrum, pure evil in my opinion. They strung out their affair even when confronted, accused their BS’s of having mental illness. Theirs were horror stories in the way that they tortured their BS’s but, as in the case of SG and Walloped one is attempting R and the other Divorced

What I am saying here is that there is no such thing as a typical affair, no such thing as typical circumstances and no such thing as typical outcome

I get the impression your wife could be considered an Alpha Female? (Would rather break through the wall rather than go around it), is used to being in control in her business, has (had) a gaggle of peer groups that would rather discuss ‘toy boys’ than flower arranging or recipes.

Is it possible that she considered this affair a challenge to be met, her proving to herself and her peer groups that she has ‘still got it?’

The Polygraph test will give you the answers you need to proceed and for my money and I am not a betting man, I put money on this being a one off (least I hope it is)

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:22 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

Glad you're not going to wait another month to get the polygraph. The sooner the better. Why wait any longer to get the big question off your mind? We're all hoping that this was a one time and done situation.

UnderCover,

Not sure what Done Gones thread should mean to me other than his wife did what mine did, namely fucked another guy more than once who she had no intention of leaving him for. That's where the similarity ends. By the way, I LOVE that he kicked the guys ass in without winding up in jail I think.

Now, correct me if I am wrong. I did not read the entire thread

(1) he catches wife and OM together ( I did not)

(2) the OM and DG live in same area so wife can meet OM easily in person (my wife could not and did not)

(3) ass hole OM disparaged DG repeatedly and wife and OM had good cackles about DG being clueless ( nothing I uncovered had any derogatory talk about me by either OM or WW)

(4) DG wife got his kids involved ( mine did not)

(5) DG's wife lied to MC and refused to let him have computer

(Mine did not)

I probably could go back and find more, but maybe I am missing it but not sure why you think it would be good if I had talked to him because our situations were similar. Undercover, honestly if my wife did what he just posted I know where I would be.

Now back to the issue at hand here. I got some tentative poly questions from Walloped, and I could use some help and suggestions from any of you who have either done one or investigated doing one. It will be done probably on 2/26 or 3/4.

I want to do it on a Friday so no matter what happens I have the week end to debrief myself or my wife. I am tired but I will list some questions I can think of.

Also, any opinions on telling her the questions???? I think not, but I do not think it will be hard for her to figure out the BIG one. My plan to do this is set and I do not believe she is going to become James Bond and figure out how to beat the polygraph.

Once the date is finalized, I am going to sit down with my wife and go through the whole thing again and tell her how much I need her to tell me herself if there is any more for me to know that I do not already know. And there is no way I am cancelling this no matter what she does or does not tell me.

I do want to say one last thing. While when reading the Space Ghost thread I also wanted like a lot of others for him to really sock it to her, but that is not me. If I decide to leave my wife, I am not going to have her served at work, not going to try to ruin her relationship with our children.

I pray it does not come to it, but if this turns into a worse nightmare, this is still the woman who brought the two most wonderful things I have into this world with me, gave me a long long wonderful marriage, and despite what she has done, is not a monster. I wil;l give her the assets she is entitled to and move on with my life.

My gut tells me that will not be the case, but just being on this forum has me convinced ANYTHING can happen.

Bro, they are not comparing or saying your situation is similar in series of events, or even the outcome with D or R. What they are trying to do is show what happens when you take control of a situation, you change the dynamics, to where your WW is given a reality check.

How? By actions, consequences, and firm actions, once that precedent is set, and WW knows the "rules of engagement" have changed then perhaps so will her outlook, decisions, as well as thought process.

There is a thread on here under the "JFO" called "What I wish I would have known/Wish done differently" (Can't remember exact name/title my apologies) But it is written by a woman who basically lays out the mistakes she made, where she went wrong, and where she went right, and what worked, what failed, and if she had to do it all over again what she would have done. (Her blueprint is not for every one but will give you alot of ideas)

The thing is that whether you reconcile or divorce, the recovery is not that much different, as is the healing.

In some ways your relationship just got the Atom bomb dropped on it, if you reconcile then you rebuild, you divorce you bail and leave it dead, but you are still hurt, you are still grieving the loss of your relationship that you thought you had.

They gave you those two (Spaceghost and DG) examples to show you what happens then you enforce boundaries with consequences, the dynamics change and you become empowered. Both WW were groveling in remorse begging for a second chance, what would you need to see from your WW to be able to heal? Remorse? Actions?

I too am a BS and I was not able to save my relationship until I was ready to end it.

We are not giving you those examples because they are a guide book, but rather examples as to "what works" and what does not.

Both of those cases are cited because both of them are Recovering, and healing in a very positive and healthy capacity.......

I know some people may come off as badgering or aggressive, but pleas note all of us are well-intention ed, some of us lack more tact than others. (I am one of them and guilty of this)

Stay healthy, stay focused, and take one day at a time.

STRETCH

TTA : you are not a basket case because your primary wound is your disappointment in your wife. All the other emotions all BH's suffer are in you but disappointment predominates, and disappointment DOES NOT BRING FORTH GREAT ANGER, ANGUISH, HEARTBREAK OR RAGE. Disappointment brings forth a melancholy like affect. You are in the same general field.....The Business World....and you resisted what she succumbed to.......thus your disappointment in her. In time all the other emotions will come forward but not to such an extent as in many others. It is almost an intellectual failing of your wife that you are morning.

As usual, some really insightful thought process. Sounds like it could have some accuracy to me. Thank you.

I did feel all the things you have in capital letters, but I am not debilitated. I still think some of that is also because this thing ended BEFORE it had any chance to change from what I think you called a repeated ONS to an 'I love you" thing. Distance and geography may have prevented that from ever happening anyway. When the other emotions surface in greater magnititude I guess there is no choice to do but deal with as they occur.

Stretch or others, there is one additional thought I have regarding this "disappointment" thing you mentioned, and the lack so far of total despair. Is there any possibility that we subconsciously recognize and accept the risks in certain things.

For instance, women marry rock stars or band guys, knowing that "groupies" abound at every stop. Same with pro athletes. Men marry strippers or women in other occupations where they are surrounded and interacting with mostly men.

Is it possible that while I obviously had no idea this was going to happen, I had a built in thought process that the chances of it happening were greater because of the ever presence of EASY opportunity, meaning very little chance of getting caught. I always thought if it did happen it certainly would not be with a co worker, which is the height of stupidity. And this is NOT an excuse but I am just trying to expound and ask you if there is anything relavant to my thought process.

DRIFTER

You could be denying the damage this has done - and will continue to do - to you and to your relationship.

Denial is not you pretending she didn't have the affair, it's denying how much damage her betrayal has done. It's the defense mechanism that our mind uses to ease it's way into accepting that such a horrible trauma has occurred. Of course it's also possible that you accept what she did as a mistake and are happy to chalk it up to a bad experience and move on with your life. I guess you will find out which it is over the next few months.

Your comment makes sense. The part I bolded certainly is true.

WIFECHEATER

Hi, I am new here and may have missed someone saying this. First, I am a former Ww or a wife that cheated. I am NOT PROUD of this. After going through all my husband and I have gone thru, me going to treatment for relationship addiction and other things, I AM PROUD to say, we are recovering and on the right path.

I hope I can offer insight from the other side. First, until you decide if you can stay or go, if you have sexual relationship with your wife it completely throws ADULTERY out the window as far as divorce goes. In my state, that is a huge issue. Not sure about yours. Sometimes a wayward spouse will try to get this accomplished to take that off the table.....just beware.

Also, I urge you to be firm in your stand, don't let up. I was caught three times (after swearing the affair was over) but when my husband filed for divorce and my college aged children became aware, it was a whole new ballgame.

I always said if I could ever help others, I would if I could survive what I put my husband and family thru.

Thank you. I think it takes some guts for a WW to jump in here given the firebombs that what you did generate. Also show I think what kind of person you are. I hope you make it.

Too late on the sex thing. That has happened often. The adultery charge would mean nothing anyway.

RAMBLER

For true R to happen there is always consequences.

Your WW will have none, just a three week time out.

Exposure builds character. Makes someone change in order to get back her life. It works.

I get what you are saying, and I think I have explained why I am not demanding she quit this job, and I understand if you disagree on that. The consequence of telling my kids would make more sense to me IF I had been unable to break up the affair. As has been said affairs thrive in secrecy.

At this point, to call my children home and tell them their mother committed adultery would be punitive for sure but accomplish what other than add major total family turmoil to three innocent people ( me and kids). So i accomplish what??? If I get poor poly results, you are absolutely correct, they need to know at that point because the ball game changes.

She has already agreed to totally withdraw from the womens groups that she has been an active participant in for years and avoid any more girls trips with these women. I'm just not sure other than D what other "consequences" I can ask for.

And lastly KIMICHI

Your situation is a bit different but reading your responses keep reminding me of his posts...The condescending combative tone, comparing what your wife did to other posters , falling over yourself trying to make up justifications(yes, you are), intentionally being dense and misleading with replies..

And don't misunderstand/twist this post into me trying to get you to file for divorce, because you seem to do it quite often.

Your opinion of me is so terrible and I am so stupid and dense it baffles me why you would bother to take your valuable time to continue to attack me personally. Fortunately, the great majority of folks contributing here do not think I am so dense and horrible.

I am still not sure what you are telling me would be the proper course of action other than everything I have done and am doing is wrong.

You are entitled to that opinion and i get it. it is NOT my job to convince you of anything, or to make you like me.

Now, if you want to specifically tell me what YOU THINK i should do that dialogue will be appreciated, but i get it that you think there is no chance for my wife not to betray me again and YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

I have decided that if she is not a serial cheater, and has not made this her standard operating procedure, that i WILL GIVE HER THE CHANCE to save our marriage. And yes, I am prepared to deal with the anguish if it happens again and realize it could.

[This message edited by Timetoact at 4:40 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

I could be wrong, but I feel you have made some good decisions and are making progress.

If she is truly remorseful, taking steps to safeguard the marriage in the future, and willing to do whatever she can to save the marriage, then I believe she IS suffering consequences.

Again, I could be wrong but it seems to me you may have attracted more than your share of 'punish-&-divorce' types who are taking out their own bitterness on your wife. Those posters do not seem eager to help your marriage survive.

That being said . . . sometimes they are right, and are worth listening too, even if the advice is not always something you think you can follow.

It seems to me you always take the advice seriously. The ones who say (in essence),'I disagree with your path, but if you wish to continue on it, please consider xyz.' are really worth reading carefully. Those who say (in essence), 'I've told you again and again, and you're just not listening . . . you won't be happy unless you do what I say.' and/or 'Your wife is the reincarnation of Hitler and Stalin combined . . . when will you realize that and act accordingly?' should probably be given less credence.

In your case, in my opinion, you're handling this well. I think your wife is beginning to get her act together, and that the marriage is worth saving . . . of course, I don't know you two, and maybe some others do.

I'd say continue pretty much as you are, you're on the right path. Consider an annual (or bi-annual or semi-annual - whatever works for you) poly just to check. Don't trust for quite a while . . . always verify. Hang in there.

[This message edited by c24j at 8:20 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

wow! you are doing great. the only concern i have is that with type A personalities they go from one goal to another. Her goal was to bed the the Op, and now the goal is to get you back. Not that that is bad, but she needs to know that once the has you, the game isn't over. she can't move on to the next thing until she finds out why she thought it was ok to break her boundaries in the fist place and insure it never happens again. she needs to know that this i not a competition where winning is the goal.

TTA : I pointed out you two are in the same high powered world of Corporate. So,YES, you were aware of the infidelity risks your wife encountered....as you also encountered them. You also intellectually factored in the OM's 13 year younger age, married with young kids and realized the no "I love you's" from your wife along with her anchored carrier and 2K mile distance completely limited the affair to lust and cake eating by your wife.....so you knew you were not going to lose her.....IF YOU DID NOT WANT TO "LOSE" HER.....i.e. D. So how did that leave you? All the typical emotions I put in Cap Letters.....but you compared your resistance to her acquiesce of the inherent temptations you were both in constant exposure to.

At night, before you go to sleep now, rather than the capitalized usual emotions of the BH, all of which are there....still, you predominately feel sadness from your disappointment in your wife. You know the marriage can be saved if your wife no longer strays....but you had a very good marriage before and are now so disappointed in her because you know this will significantly diminish it. stretch