SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I are in our late 40's, both have corporate executive jobs that involve overnight travel. Two children, both in college away from home. most would consider us as having it all, nice house, no financial worries. Same story i guess you all have heard a ton of times.

Anyway, her travel is pretty regular by air to home office city and these trips have most a number of years been pretty regular and 90% of the time one or two nights away.

For the past seven months though, it seemed really odd that there always seemed to be some reason to extend the trips another day or two with no talk about it or business discussions with me as to what was going on. We have always discussed our business issues and all of a sudden nothing, but LOTS of texting and and strange behavior. I knew something was going on. Guess you here from what I have read would call it my " gut feeling".

To cut to the chase, I have discovered that she has been having sex with a guy she met at a bar while travelling. He is not a co worker. I confronted her and got all the typical shit I have been reading about here. First denial, the what you call trickle truth, and now full confession.

She is delusional. Tells me she is sorry for what she did, did not plan for it to happen, but that she really enjoys his company when she is away from home, and she could not understand why if it was 'just sex" that I could not just get it out of her system.

To tell you the truth, my reaction was a lot different than most of the men from what I have read here.

I have already been tested for STD. Clean.

I have seen an attorney and I have divorce papers drawn up. I can afford to buy her out of the house

I have moved all her shit into a spare bedroom, and quite frankly I do not even want to look at her right now.

She cries every night, swears she loves me and wants to be married to me, and begs me not to tell our children.

But she REFUSES to tell me exactly who this mother fucker is, and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him. The guy has already flown up here and she met him in a hotel here when i was out of town.

Any suggestions here on how to knock her out of this delusional state, and please do not tell me to go to a marriage counselor. Right now, staying married under these circumstances is not an option unless something changes dramatically.

I know i have probably left out some stuff but I am so pissed writing this I can hardly concentrate.

Thanks for listening.

Give her the D papers.

Check out SpaceGhost0007 thread.

well, first thing i like your nick... its almost the same as mine :)

Second i am one of those that are "the few" (divorce around the corner)

As for knocking her out of the delusional situation.... i think you are doing it pretty well!

You just need her to get served with the papers drawned up and the miracle of the loving fog affair will forever disapear!

By the time she is served and the time D. will be effective, you got the periode needed to see were all this crap is headed.. if she is really remorsful and if you are really mind set on D

You have already accomplished a lot! Great job.

I agree that MC is the last thing on earth you need. Complete waste of time for now. You need an IC.

I think, if she's not willing to go NC, you file for divorce. Maybe that will change her mind. If it doesn't, nothing will.

It's very hard to deal with a WS who isn't remorseful and willing to go NC.

I've read quite a bit of advice regarding VAR, usually directed at men, to protect them against domestic violence charges. So, something to consider.

And maybe you should tell your children?

Expose her!!

oh.... and yes! tell your kids and buy her out!

Honestly, I don't think you can knock her out of her delusional state without actually following through with filing the papers. Clearly, at the point, her interest isn't in saving the marriage, it's protecting the other person. You should file the divorce papers and force her hand.

It sounds like one of her main concerns is telling your kids. I'm not sure how I feel about this. My story is kind of different, as I may suspect, but I have no concrete proof. If I did and decided to follow through with a divorce, I still don't think I would tell my kids the exact specifics as to what led to the divorce. The issue is between you and your wife, and yes, your children are older, but I don't see any reason to destroy their relationship with their mother. I know, in your current state of anger, which is completely warranted, why you might want to go that route, but before you do, please consider IC first. I personally would hate to say something in a moment of anger that would alter my children's lives forever, even if it is my spouse's bad act that is responsible.

Oh, clearly my view of not telling the children is not the popular choice.

Given that my circumstances are a little different, I guess I would have to defer to others who have been through the complete cycle.

Of course, I am still an advocate for waiting until things have calmed down a little before telling them, if that is what you decide. First off, they are away at college and may not have the support system in place to deal with the news in the most effective way. Secondly, if you do decide to reconcile, their opinion of their mother will be forever altered.

Just some things to consider.

Thanks for the quick responses.

EXPOSE HER TO WHO???? Not ready to bring our kids into this yet.

EXPOSING her to her work might not matter. The OM is not a co worker, she has been charging her extra nights out of town to be with him to our personal credit cards, one in her name that I pay no attention to since she pays it out of her salary. So she is not defrauding the company, and the advice is not to get her fired even if I could right now. She cannot afford to buy me out on her salary.

I keep reading to tell the wife of OM. Right now, all I knowe is that he IS married and travels for work like her. And neither of them are tied to a desk and can function with a laptop in a hotel. That is why it has been so easy for them.

Tonight I am going to lower the boom a little more since she leaves again next week and I know she is planning on spending a night with him. She told me that. Can you believe it??????

I think I am going to make an effort to find this guy, even if I have to hire a PI ( I can afford it). Tonight I am telling her shit will be in a storage locker when she returns. I know she can get back in but short of giving her the papers that is a start.

One thing I am NOT wavering on. This shit is going to stop one way or the other, and real quick.

Unfortunately, no matter what she says or does, even if I want to stay married, how on earth do I not do a polygraph and believe anything. It would be a lot easier if she was in an office all the time. .

My brother is the only one who knows. He says dump her .

Any suggestions here on how to knock her out of this delusional state, and please do not tell me to go to a marriage counselor. Right now, staying married under these circumstances is not an option unless something changes dramatically.

First, I'm really sorry this happened to you and that you find yourself here.

Second, you can't. She's invested in this relationship with the POS and is not stopping.

But she REFUSES to tell me exactly who this mother fucker is, and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him. The guy has already flown up here and she met him in a hotel here when i was out of town.

See? I don't personally believe anything you say will change the above.

So what can you do? Exactly what you have been doing. Serve her the papers. Follow through.

Now, that may knock her out of her fog or it may not. Or, she may tire of her fling. Either way, if she does want to come back to you, then you can decide whether you want to take her back. There are examples of people here who got divorced post infidelity but then remarried.

But honestly, if she slept around and now knowing that you know is continuing to do so, that's just a level of disrespect that I don't know how one could tolerate it. I do know that if my wife had said the same to me once I confronted her with her affair and continued sleeping with POS, there would be no way back from a divorce. Reconciliation is hard enough with a remorseful spouse. But with one who does not want to stop and actively continues the infidelity? Sorry, man. I don't see another option.

Best.

-W

No need for therapists at all. Not everyone needs to go to therapy.

You're doing just fine all on your own. You know exactly what you're willing to put up with and you know exactly what you're NOT willing to put up with. Nothing confusing about that at all.

I admire that a lot.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to stop trying to control her behavior. It's an exercise in futility. You can't control how she thinks, you can't control how she feels, and you can't control what she does.

You can only control YOU.

And you're the one that matters.

I'd file those divorce papers and carry through with what you started. Should lightening strike and she has a sudden epiphany about what a selfish low life she's been, then maybe you can discuss it. Otherwise, it's now all about YOU.

File. Buy her out. And move on.

She travels for her job. You will never be able to trust her on a trip again. The wondering will drive you mad.

File.

Have her served at the home office on her next visit there.

But definitely hire a PI on this visit.

Get the oM' name and information.

Then on the day she is served divorce papers also inform the OMW.

Double whammy.

Your wife is fence sitting. Knock her off it.

Good Luck

HM

You need to tell her family and friends so they can pressure her to stop. The fastest way is to tell your adult children. They can put more pressure on her than anyone.

Hire a PI so you van get his name and blow his world up with his wife. Start carrying a VAR so you can have proof and for your protection.

Is your state at fault? With proof you may not have to pay alimony. Get his me and file for on grounds of adultry and subpoena his ass to the stand.

You are doing well. I agree- the filing is one of the best ways to burn some fog.

Exposure is the other. If at all possible, find out who the piece of shit is and tell his wife. Tell your kids. They deserve to know, too.

I disagree that cheating on the marriage is between the adults. A cheater betrays the whole family. The whole concept of family and family history is assaulted by the decision to cheat.

My bet is the OM is married. She is protecting him and his life at the expense of you, your marriage, your children, and your life.

I agree with your actions- she does not deserve to be in the marital bedroom.

I also agree that you need a recording device (VAR) with you at all times. She is already protecting the piece of shit other man (posom), cheating, and lying. It is not a far step to making false allegations of physical violence and abuse. The recorder will protect you. She may also become violent.

Keep your resolve. I did exactly what you did- the day after I found out she went on a scheduled business trip. I moved her shit into a spare room, saw a lawyer, got a killer divorce decree, solidified the evidence, informed her family, and met her at her parents house when she returned.

I did not keep my resolve during the next few months. I bought into her sobbing and "loves me" and loves our family and doesn't want to hurt the kids and fifteen years together and all the other regret bullshit despite her false accusations, continued lies, violence (I never let the charges go through and this was a mistake), and continuing the A- and conceded way too much in the final D. (against advice from this site)

Keep your resolve.

You are doing great.

Something bothers me here.

She cries every night, swears she loves me and wants to be married to me, and begs me not to tell our children.

But she REFUSES to tell me exactly who this mother fucker is, and REFUSES TO commit to not staying in contact with him, and REFUSES right now to agree to not fucking him. The guy has already flown up here and she met him in a hotel here when i was out of town.

So she loves you but won't stop fucking the other guy? What? And of course she doesn't want you to tell your kids. That would mean she'd have to answer to their judgment on her behavior which would mess up her good time. I have 5 kids. 2 young boys who don't know about my wife's affair, but my 3 older girls do. My wife's infidelity betrayed our family, not just me, and they deserved to know.

Tell your kids. They deserve to know and they are definitely old enough to deal with it.

One more thought. You are a corporate executive. So am I. So think of this as a managerial problem.

Assume you had a member on your team whom you found out did something inappropriate at work. Better, royally messed up a project or assignment due to goofing off, not following proper procedures, taking shortcuts, what have you. With that employee, you might sit them down, explain the issue, identify corrective action and the need to follow policies and procedures, essentially outline what needs to change. Now most employees would take those actionable steps to address the issue. They want their job and a positive performance review. But assume an employee enacted none of what you laid out for him or her. Assume they kept on committing the same errors or violating company policies. What steps would you take? You'd take steps to terminate the employee, right? Sure, you'd warn them. Warn them again. And then fill out the bureaucratic paperwork, etc.

The same should apply here. Your wife is the employee who is giving their manager the proverbial middle finger.

IMHO, you are on the right path.

Hang in there.

Quegdah,

Wow. I am very sorry to hear that story from you but your advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

The one positive thing here is I have not heard anything about "love" for OM, or anything about what I would call great emotional connection. At this point, I think this is just a "sex" fun thing that she thinks she is entitled to, and if I can get to this OM, from what I have read there is a chance he may dump her or end it himself. The one thing you can count on is if I find him , and if he is married, his wife is going to find out even if I have to parachute in to his house.

One thing I forgot to mention is my wife has a girlfriend who I believe has been encouraging this and it's getting to thrill out of it. Their phone interactions have been constant in the last few weeks. I have never liked this friend so it does not surprise me.

She will be home from work around 6 tonight. Not going to be a pleasant evening.

For some reason, I have not come down from a state of RAGE. I am not crying, I am not feeling sorry for myself, and from what I have read here, I am not accepting a Damm thing that I did that justifies this crap.

I guess it is not in my DNA to get whacked in the head while I sit there smiling.

Tonight I am going to lower the boom a little more since she leaves again next week and I know she is planning on spending a night with him. She told me that. Can you believe it??????

I think I am going to make an effort to find this guy, even if I have to hire a PI ( I can afford it). Tonight I am telling her shit will be in a storage locker when she returns. I know she can get back in but short of giving her the papers that is a start.

One thing I am NOT wavering on. This shit is going to stop one way or the other, and real quick.

Would she have no problem if you were having "just sex" on the side?

Exposure will help you here

exposure is not done to be vindictive but to help kill the affair and gain you some support.

Expose to OM's wife when you find out who he is

and don't tell your wife you are doing this.

expose to:

your parents

her parents

maybe some close friends.

leave the kids out for now unless they are old enough

they will find out sooner or later.

how old are your kids?

could you take off and go on this trip with her?

or maybe do your own PI work to surprise them?

[This message edited by convert at 11:54 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

The OM is not your problem. If you "get to" the OM, the most you could accomplish would be to get him to disappear. Your wife would be exactly the same person she is now.

if I can get to this OM, from what I have read there is a chance he may dump her or end it himself. The one thing you can count on is if I find him , and if he is married, his wife is going to find out even if I have to parachute in to his house.

VERY GOOD.

how about taking off work and surprising her on this trip and do some of you own PI work?

[This message edited by convert at 12:02 PM, January 20th (Wednesday)]