SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's so hard to type this, 3 weeks ago I never thought this could possibly be my life today.

D-day was February 6th. My wife of 10 years, together for 15, came home after drinking with her friend much later than expected. Completely out of nowhere she said she wanted a divorce. This was the shock of my lifetime because I didn't think we had any serious issues and we have a 3 year old boy we love dearly. She had never once mentioned divorce before.

She passed out on the sofa and I decided to check her phone, something I have never done. It was there that I got the new biggest shock of my life, texts between her and some guy that made it very obvious she was having an affair.

I waited until morning and confronted her and she admitted it and broke down crying. The affair had been going on a few weeks. This also jives with the texts i saw. I initially was set on divorce but by the end of the day I asked her to stay and see if we could possibly find a way to reconcile, with therapy. She agreed to that and continued to express how sorry she was for what she had done to me.

Then the next biggest shock of my life came when she came home a few days later and said she was pregnant. She said she believed the baby was mine due to the fact that they used condoms and we did not and also the timing. I have my doubts.

The last 2 weeks since then have been the toughest of my life. We are in marriage counseling and it has helped a lot. She has apparently been upset for some time and felt she could not talk to me about it. While I know that I haven't been easy to talk to in the past, and have a lot of my own issues, I know that if she would have ever mentioned divorce even once all of this could have been avoided. I know I did not deserve this, and she actually feels the same.

We are paying a lot of money to do prenatal paternity testing. We both really want the baby to be ours. We have cried a lot about this together. The fate of our relationship will be determined by a piece of paper we read one day soon or perhaps some lines on a computer screen. She said she cant see herself having an abortion because she couldnt live with killing a baby when she caused this. She said she will leave if the baby is not mine. I am terrified of this moment and can barely sleep or function.

Despite all of this I still really love her, as crazy as I know that sounds. We have been through a lot including a terrible car accident that I survived and she supported me through thick and thin, although it apparently took a toll on her that I did not realize.

The thought of breaking up our family is completely heartbreaking especially since I believe if we get the help we need, we could possibly have a great relationship again.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 7:15 AM, March 4th (Friday)]

Many great people are out there that would love to have a kid to adopt. That’s the way I would go if I were you.

If it’s not your kid and your wife refuses to give it up for adoption, make it official that it’s not your kid. It’s not fair to the kid not to know who their biological dad is. It's not fair for them to find out when they're 20. Get child support from him.

People will try and guilt trip you into raising the other man’s (OM) kid as your own. Women especially say that it doesn’t matter who the biological parent is. It’s a human child.

That’s because women know that it’s their biological kid because it came out of them. Let the hospital mix up the kids and all hell breaks loose. Why is that when they’re all human children?

[This message edited by Graywolf at 2:15 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

First let me say I am sorry you are here. No one wants to be and the pain is unbearable. You have the added tension of a baby that possibly belongs to another man. I will just say that it takes a big heart to forgive infidelity an a tremendous heart to raise another mans child. Go with your heart and start therapy as soon as you can. I recommend individual first and then marriage counseling. Wealth of information on this board and tons of experience.

Hi Mark6. I'm sorry to hear what happened. Everyone here has been through it,and we get your pain.

You will survive,it just takes time.

From your post, it looks like you know very little about your wife's affair. To me,it also seems that you jumped into reconciliation real fast without finding everything out. I think you need to know how long this affair has been going on,and with whom.You also need to protect yourself..get an STD test right away. I would also have your 3 year old paternity tested as well. Get a lawyer..ASAP.. find out your legal options. You need to know this before anything else, I think..Cheaters lie and cover up their cheating.It is extremely unlikely that you know everything what she has been up to. You are most likely playing right into her hands by jumping straight into reconciliation and handling this pregnancy. I wouldn't believe for one second that she used condoms while having sex with her lover. This is one of the most common lies that cheaters tell their spouses.You right to have doubts. Are you taking care of yourself? Sleeping well and eating good? What kinds of steps have you taken to get the whole story? Have you looked for more evidence? Whatever she told you about her affair is most likely only what she had to tell you based whatever she knows you know. Please post again and let us know. Remember..cheaters will lie to insane lengths about what they have done.Your wife stabbed you in the back,she isn't your friend,protect yourself.

Mark6,

You are a remarkable man to be able to consider staying. You really are. It shows your character that you are able to listen to her and empathize and not be filled with rage.

I hope that this baby is yours. Did you talk to the other man? Out it all out there. Ask him if they used protection.

Mark6 -

You've been through the ringer man.

I really suggest you talk to a lawyer and like yesterday. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are in all of this. Also get the OM's name and contact info from WW, now. If he's married, tell his spouse; she has a right to know, too.

Some comments about your post, for you to think about (no response needed):

came home after drinking with her friend much later than expected. Completely out of nowhere she said she wanted a divorce.

Are you sure she wasn't with OM? Who is this "friend" of hers? That friend needs to go. She (he?) is not a friend of the marriage, if she knew about the affair, and/or recommended WW leave you.

She agreed to that and continued to express remorse and regret.

Very rarely does the WS express remorse right out the gate. Most likely just regret (at getting caught). Regret goes away over time. Her actions toward you will tell you if it is regret or remorse.

Then the next biggest shock of my life came when she came home a few days later and said she was pregnant. She said she believed the baby was mine due to the fact that they used condoms and we did not and also the timing. I have my doubts.

The "we used condoms" is the second biggest lie that WSs say. Right after "nothing physical" happened.

The last 2 weeks since then have been the toughest of my life. We are in marriage counseling and it has helped a lot. She has apparently been upset for some time and felt she could not talk to me about it. While I know that I haven't been easy to talk to in the past, and have a lot of my own issues, I know that if she would have ever mentioned divorce even once all of this could have been avoided. I know I did not deserve this, and she actually feels the same. Her remorse is genuine.

Everything she is telling you is just justifying bullshit. She's trying to justify her actions to you. Make you look like you have some kind of blame in her affair (called blameshifting). It's all BS. And it's also not part of remorse, just regret.

We are paying a lot of money to do prenatal paternity testing. We both really want the baby to be ours. We have cried a lot about this together. The fate of our relationship will be determined by a piece of paper we read one day soon or perhaps some lines on a computer screen. She said she cant see herself having an abortion because she couldnt live with killing a baby when she caused this. She said she will leave if the baby is not mine. I am terrified of this moment and can barely sleep or function.

Why is she going to leave you if the kid isn't yours? What about your other kid? Where is she going to go? OM?

That sounds a bit manipulative on her part - threatening to leave if it's not yours, hoping that you will still keep her. Which...

Despite all of this I still really love her, as crazy as I know that sounds. We have been through a lot including a terrible car accident that I survived and she supported me through thick and thin, although it apparently took a toll on her that I did not realize.

Be strong, man.

Mark6 – While I am not walking in your shoes we most definitely have walked on the same path. Having the test done before the baby is born is a wise move imho. You had stated that “she would leave if the baby was not yours”. Is that the way you would want it to be if the baby is not yours? It seems to me that your wife has made most of the decisions regarding your marriage recently. What do you want? Have you expressed your wants? I understand your desperation at this point but please don’t make any major decisions at this point. Whatever you decide to do know you are walking on a well-worn path my friend.

Mark6,

Okay. You've just been handing the biggest shit sandwich of your life. I cannot tell you how sorry I am. And the pregnancy just throws the whole thing into a whole different universe. IMO, you are doing as well as you could.

First - Healing Library. Yellow box in the upper left corner. Click on it and read, and read, and read some more.

Second - Eat. Sleep. Drink Plenty of fluids. Protein shakes. Whatever you can get down. Exercise. See a doc for meds to help you with sleeping if needed.

Third - None of this was your fault! Say it with me..."None of this was my fault."

Your issues or her issues are irrelevant. You were both in the same marriage and you did not cheat. She did. She owns this. I agree with WornDown - her comment about Divorce is a way to shift blame. Because now you are in counseling together and it's your issues and her complaints on one side with her cheating on the other. Nuh-uh.

It's all about her infidelity. Full stop. The divorce is a red herring.

This is why folks here at SI generally recommend IC for you both first before MC. Because the key is to focus on the infidelity before you can fix the marriage. Do not let her shift the blame.

More to come. Hang in there man.

I sincerely appreciate all of the replies and support. I am trying my best to make it through work today and when I get home I will reply some more. Thanks again.

It could be the worst nightmare any married men can think of. I am so sorry it is happening to your life.

You must be in shock, heart broken and devastated. Take care of yourself, drink water, force to eat some food, and sleep properly for you and your baby to function in this difficult time.

YOU will do your best to go through this, but you need to analyze before you jump into any conclusion. Please do not rush to make any major decision yet.

Every A is damaging the M seriously, but your case is more complicated because 2 babies are involved.

you said your marriage had no issues, and have a lovely 3 years old baby together. I do not think so you had the good communication with your w. She had the big secret, and you did not even know it at all.

Did you ask your wife why she had to cheat on you? Please find out her motivation, reason and excuse.

Obviously, you are missing the big piece of your M, and you are not in the same chapter with your wife. you are still missing a lot of details here.

if she had no issues with M, why suddenly she has to cheat on you, lie to you, hide the entire A to you, and had the double life?

She was capable to hide the entire A, but she changed her attitude, and exposed it to you. why? did the OM dump her?

Is the OM married?

How long did they have the A? Please do not believe what she says, and always validate it before believe it. She might lie and minimize the A to you.

How did they meet?

Are they still communicating?

Why suddenly your wife released the news to you?

Is she dumped by the OM?

What is you wife's reaction? she will say anything now, but talking is cheap, and please do not fall for it. You are dealing with a woman who is deceiving you, and ruining 2 babies by her own choice.

she is a mother of 3 years old baby. she should know the consequences when she slept with the OM.

What was her plan for you, and the baby if she was not caught?

it is about your life, and impacting 2 innocent babies future.

Please stop being a good man, and find out the OM. Based on the fact, make a plan to confront him.

I know you are hurt, your brain is hurting, and like to deny the whole thing, but please do not rug sweeping or forgiving her without knowing the whole fact.

As other says, please see a lawyer to find out your rights.

I personally think it will be almost impossible to raise a baby as your own if he/she is the OM's.

Why would you raise a OM's baby who slept with your wife and planted his seed in her? Why would you take the insult for the rest of your life?

If you still want to be with her, you need to find the good reason to do it based on the full truth.

[This message edited by zero2016 at 2:15 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

She's blaming you - she is afraid to talk to you. BECAUSE ... of the way you react (whatever that is). That is not remorse, that is blane-shifting, pure and simple.

Call it whatever wording you put it, this is blaming.

Also, this is do heartbreaking. It is the worst type of result from an affair. Fixing a marriage after an affair is a long shot, with an other child by a wife is very long odds.

Why did she cheat? Because she couldn't talk to you? She had girlfriends confiding her, but she needed another guy to have sex? How does that have anything to do with her claiming she "can't" talk to you about whatever? But somehow she can talk to you enough to tell you she wants a divorce? This whole story smells, very fishy. I think you have a lot going on with her affairs that you don't know about.

I suggest a VAR in her car. I also suggest asking her to take a polygraph.

I would like to see you reconcile, but you can't do it the way you are doing it. There are serious things wrong in her, in the marriage, and she will never willingly do this on her own, she needs you to push her for the truth. Look at her reaction, she was willing to talk to the monsterish husband who she can't talk to to tell her she wants a divorce rather than to tell the truth.

I agree with Wk55 here

I am trying my best to make it through work today

I could barely function for a month on my first D-day. Add an other's child to the mix? The fact that you are still walking and talking coherently is a great job.

Hang in there and take care of yourself, and your son, first and foremost. Seek medical care (anti-depressants) if it gets too much.

We're here for you.

Mark6 -- Be relentless in finding out the truth and whether you are the father or not before the baby is born. So many BH wait until the child is born and then find out.....too late, in the eyes of most judges and states, you are now the person responsible for all $$$$$.

mark6 - forgive me for my bluntness but you are NOT a remarkable man for staying and considering R. What you are is a typical Betrayed Husband who is in a state of stunned shock. Every BH is emotionally destroyed on D-day. The emotions run from pain to anger to shame to fear and others. And they all seem to fall on you at the same time. You are staying because it feels like the right thing to do at this time.

You suggested that "you can take it" in regards to sacrificing your happiness right now for your daughter's well being. That's dangerous thinking. Since you are only two weeks out you are in a very vulnerable state because you have toughed it out so far and you might fool yourself into thinking you can tough your way through all this. You can't and you are going to find that out soon.

I'm a BH and have heard dozens of stories that are pretty much the same as yours. I've seen the same emotionally stunned men begin compartmentalizing and rug-sweeping her cheating because it makes him feel better right now. Pretending to "forgive" her or at least trying to understand all the things that you did wrong that pushed her into another man's arms (bed) is a form of denial intended to protect your fragile state of mind. Your willing to accept any explanation or excuse right now as long as it promises to help you set your world right again.

Lot's of posters will start advising you on how to proceed and nearly all of that advice is well-meaning and valid. You are not ready to understand much of it but remember that we are here to help once this emotional boulder falls on you. At a minimum, talk to a lawyer and get a feeling for how you would proceed it that is the path you want to follow. It will also scare the living shit out of your WW - something that won't hurt her motivation to either leave or get serious about reconciling.

This is an excellent reference that can help guide you through this initial shit-storm.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548&AP=1&HL=

[This message edited by theDrifter at 3:56 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Mark6,

This is to follow up on the above post by theDrifter. He's right, but I'd like to put it in a little it of a different context.

I am more than six months out from my DDay and I am currently reconciling with my wife. So I don't take theDrifter's post as divorce should be your only option. But it is way too soon to make that choice. What I hear him saying, and I agree, is that you are in shock and have yet to fully process what just happened to you. Not a good place to make such an important decision.

There is no rush or timetable. The first and most important thing is to get out of infidelity. Once you've done that and know where your wife stands regarding the other man (OM) you can determine what you want - divorce or reconciliation (D or R).

So, let's get to it. Questions:

1) Who's the other guy?

2) Is he married or is he in a relationship?

3) Does she work with him?

4) How did they meet?

5) Has she enforced No Contact - This means sending a NC letter or email, blocking his number, no texts, checking facebook, etc. This also means not working together - yes, quitting her job if need be - it's you or her OM.

6) How long? Was it a long term affair or a one night stand?

7) Who else knows about her affair?

8) Transparency - Has she given you all passwords and open access to her phone, email and social media?

9) She started out saying she wants a divorce. Where does she stand now?

10) Does the OM know that you know?

11) Is she willing to take a polygraph?

Now the answers to the above questions will lay out a course of action that will be designed to get you out of infidelity. If she wants to remain married to you (and your opinion counts here obviously), then there are specific things your wife must do. Those actions and steps will tell you if she is truly remorseful. Not her words. Again - actions, not words. That means that if your wife is not willing to do a number of them, meaning she continues to stay in contact with the OM or she is protecting him, then you are not out of infidelity and she is still in her affair. So right now, while she says she is remorseful, you don't really know. And how can you rebuild a marriage if you don't know where she stands?

Please keep posting. Sending you strength.

People will try and guilt trip you into raising the other man’s (OM) kid as your own

This I have seen it time and time again.

stay strong bro

What the drifter said, hits the nail on the head and resonates with me..

Bad shit happens to good people.. Their lives implode..

No matter how good people are, no matter how thoughtful and cautious they are stuff still happens..We may have influence, but we have no control over how others act around us..

One can only guess, but who really knows what is around the corner in his or her life?

One of the best things we can do is work on our own strength, self confidence, and learn to have faith in ourselves.. And hang on to what nurtures our souls thru the bad times..

My long way of saying you are in no way to blame for your wife's choice to have an affair..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:21 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

I just reread the thread again and this came to mind

She said she will leave if the baby is not mine.

Maybe this is an exit affair and she knows dang well whose baby it is? More likely,I think is that she isn't sure whose it is and is trying to cover both bases.

What the other folks are telling you is right on target. Hang in there,buddy I'm praying for you. Please let us know how you are doing.

She said she will leave if the baby is not mine.

Did she say what she meant she will leave you, does this mean that she will leave you for the other guy?

Is this other guy married?

Does the other guy even know she is pregnant?