SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I'm in the club. We're both 43, married 25 years. 4 kids.

I knew my wife was flirting with a guy at work, and she was open about it, teasing me with it. We had fun with it in the bedroom for awhile, but then she started hiding stuff from me, keeping secrets. Her flirting didn't bother me, her lying and keeping secrets, I didn't sign up for that.

She changed her password on her phone. Just before she did, she made the mistake of leaving her phone by the bed one night while she went to the bathroom. I picked it up. He texted her - "Can't wait to see you again. Love that ass! Miss you" - she replied - "I feel so strange walking back into the building with you. I feel like everyone can see right through me. I'm such a horrible liar!"

So she then tells me shes not happy and wants a separation. She wants to date other people, including him (she told me this Feb 1, I found out she's been seeing him since Nov).

At first I was hurt, upset, confused. I still loved her, I didn't want a divorce. I tried to tell her this, but she didn't want to hear it. After my head cleared a little and I started going back to my AA meetings (haven't touched alcohol in 20 years, April 1, 1996, but stopped going to meetings 15 years ago), I started to get angry.

She took her wedding rings off and went to a club with him in Philly 2 weeks ago. He spends his weekends in clubs in South Jersey and Philadelphia promoting his rap label. She got home at 7:30 the next morning. I was cleaning the kitchen around noon the next day, and she walks upstairs and says "good morning", I don't say a word. She says "Oh, what, you're not talking to me now?" Has she lost her mind?? We haven't talked to each other in 2 weeks. She's angry with me at the way I'm acting, not talking to her.

I don't want a divorce, but I'm not a doormat, and I'm nobodies "plan B". She said she doesn't respect me. At first, I didn't either, but after going back to my meetings, that has changed. If she wants a divorce, let her go file. This guy she's screwing with is twice married, twice divorced, 4 or 5 kids, a couple of grandkids, spends his weekends partying, and has a reputation as being a player. She's having all kinds of fun and excitement right now. Good for her. I wonder how this plays out in the end. Maybe she can make an honest man out of him before it's over.

"Promoting his rap album" lol ok. Yes she is off her rocker honey and I would be pissed if I was you. You did nothing wrong. She is completely wrong. I am flabbergasted. If she doesn't show any change or want to be with you asap then I honestly think D is the best decision for you to be honest. You seem like a good hearted guy and I do not believe you deserve this at all. I am sorry you find yourself on this site, I understand your pain it is excruciating. Especially when you want to R and WS does not. It feels like they've made a mess they refuse to clean up!

I’m sorry you find yourself in a situation where you need to post here.

You say you don’t want a divorce, that you’re not a doormat nor plan B and that your wife said doesn’t respect you. Do you really think she will respect you more if she is the one who finally files for D? Look, if you read enough threads on this site you will see a very common and for the most part successful strategy which is that you want to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it and also that exposure has a tendency to kill affairs. What you need to do is get to an attorney and have her served. Then expose her first to family and then if that doesn’t get results then church and any other place you can think of. Do not agree to a separation, that just gives her permission to continue the A but in a better light. Read up on the 180, it sounds like you are already on the board on that but you need to file for D. She will begin to respect you then.

She sounds as narcissistic as my husband, blame you when she is the problem . Such a disappointment . I have been cheated on for years and just found out severel months age , he also asks me" what's your problem?" When I don't speak to him. That is a loaded question that only a selfish narcissist would ask.

Be strong , have a nice life without her.

She's the one that's trading down here, not me. She said she "wants a separation to date other people. She needs to know if we were meant to be together or not, and there's only one way to find out"

A couple weeks ago, I said, "No dating, that's not what I want. I'm not the one who wants a divorce, you are, so go see an attorney and serve me with divorce papers" - she was quite. Later on that night, she said - "I don't know if I want a divorce, or not having you in my life. I just know I'm not happy and feel like there may be something better out there, and I need to find out"

In other words, "you wait here while I date a couple guys. If it's not better or I find out I miss you, I'll take you back" - yeah, right. Let me think about that for awhile.

So sorry you are here.

Gently, you are indeed acting like a doormat. I suggest you file for divorce as quickly as possible.

Go read the Healing Library here too.

So she then tells me shes not happy

Standard tactic. She is trying to justify her actions.

and wants a separation. She wants to date other people, including him

She wants the financial security you provide along with the avoidance of the appearance that she is at fault all while having the time and space to have "fun."

So far, your answer, by lack of action, has been "OK". Waiting for her to divorce you. That is also saying "OK".

The only hope you have left is to give her a "No!" that she will understand and respect. If she is going to go "date" other men, then she can do that without being married to you. Given that she has been carrying on with your knowledge for almost 2 months now, she doesn't care if you show displeasure through not talking or anything else you might say.

Take hard action. Expose the affair to others who might influence her (parents, pastor, etc.). Tell your kids in an age appropriate way. See an attorney and learn your rights. Understand what you can and can't do in terms of existing assets vs. any money that comes in from this point forward. Have her served with divorce papers. Show her that you aren't going to just accept having an open marriage.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:15 PM, March 20th (Sunday)]

JM72,

I agree with the others, your lack of action is giving telling her its ok what she's doing. you've basically accepted her terms of an open marriage.

IMHO you should seek legal advice, file for divorce asap, and out her A to everyone, friends, family, work etc, especially her parents and if your kids are old enough. with some outside pressure she may get embarrassed by her actions and get her to stop the A. look up the 180 and start to implement it. good luck

I don't think you have any option here - you need to see an attorney and file. Filing does not mean divorce, but in this case you are going to lose whatever respect she has for you if you don't.

She is very deep in the fog and may never come out. You need to protect yourself ASAP.

Good advice here. I'll add that I too thought my WW had lost her mind. That feeling you have that's so alien is actually very very common (and it's very sad that that's' true).

Unfortunately, as scary as it is, the only option is to file for D. If she regains sanity, and if you decide she's worth it, then maybe down the road you can change your mind. But for now, you've only got one play.

Sorry.

I don’t understand your strategy, could ­you please elaborate.

She is cheating, and you are not doing ­anything except for her to

realize it and come back to you, right?­ Sorry but this is the text book

definition for “Plan B”. Not nicing her­ back, not making the pick me

dance is totally different thing.­

Sorry if I got to all wrong but unless ­she faces some consequences she

is not going to change, why would she? ­She have her fun knowing that the

moment she wants she can go back to you­ in a sec.

You need to be willing to lose your mar­riage to save it.

in other words, "you wait here while I date a couple guys. If it's not better or I find out I miss you, I'll take you back" - yeah, right. Let me think about that for awhile.

I'm confused so by not filing isn't this exactly what's happening?

Why should she file first? Again, not quite making sense of this, so if she doesn't file she can keep "dating" this guy and do all sorts indefinitely?

???

Let me be direct and to the point...

Why should she file?

She has the best of both worlds. She gets to screw other men, you clean the kitchen. And her punishment for this is the silent treatment?

There is a difference between saying you are not a doormat, and actually not being a doormat.

Take real action and file for D. Have her served.

Or don't, and accept an open marriage.

Your thinking on this is completely wrong. You are standing there watching your wife screw another man and your doing nothing. This is exactly why she is telling you she doesn't respect you. Right now she is using you, and you are letting her.

As long as you stand there and watch, she's not going to stop. Why would she? She has it made. She goes out and parties, drinks, and has sex, then when she gets tired she has a nice home and a warm bed to come home to. Why do you think she got quiet and balked when you asked her to file for divorce. She's not going to stop until you stop her.

By your inaction you have gotten way behind the curve here. You need to see a lawyer file for divorce and reassert yourself as a man. If you want her back this is the only way. And if you don't want her back this is the only way. But this much we can assure you, the longer you remain inactive, the bigger the chance you lose her. Take a look at the thread I've listed below.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=581490

This poster did the same as you, he waited and watched, just like you, waiting for his wife to come to her senses. He also didn't want divorce. But his inaction has cost him dearly.

If you want this to stop you are going to have to get tough and hit this affair head on. Your going to have to show her that your in charge and this affair stops now or your going to divorce her and show her the door. That's the only way to stop it and get respect back.

If she wants a divorce, let her go file.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here JM72. Unfortunately all the replies so far are on the money imo. By allowing your WW to decide whether or not she wishes to divorce you, you are handing her yet more control over the situation which currently feels totally out of your control.

Whilst you cannot control your WW's actions you can control yours and I believe it's time to show your WW that actions have consequences. It's time to send her the message that you're not a doormat, you're not her Plan B and you didn't sign up for an open marriage.

It's a horrendously painful thing to have to go through when you don't even want to divorce but a lot of people on here will tell you that filing for divorce may be the only thing that jolts your WW back into the real world. It didn't work for me (and I suspect it probably works in the minority of cases) but hey..maybe it'll work for you, but even if it doesn't you are taking control of your own destiny.

Good luck and stay strong!

The " I want to see if we were meant to be together" line is bull shit. You are allowing her to do the pick me dance. You need to stop that and file tor divorce, seperate your finances and expose the affair. The question of whether you were meant to be together should have been answered on your wedding date.

JM

You are being Plan B.

See a lawyer. Find out if infidelity helps your case.

Have her served.

Include a card with the note "Good Luck finding out if there is better out there. You are off to a wonderful start."

How old are your kids?

Your wife is a liar. Start treating her like one.

HM

How old are your kids ? Who took care of the kids while she was out fvcking around ? Do you both work ? Who is the main breadwinner ? What does she suggest you two do with the kids while she is seeing if there is anything better out there ?

Do the kids know what she has done and what is going on ? How did she explain her being away all night etc. ?

OK - in the meantime, you ARE being a doormat! She should take all her stuff and get the hell out of the house. Get an attorney and protect yourself financially and with respect to custody. Then file for D immediately - do not wait, do not pass GO, do not collect $200!

You should continue to do the 180 to help you heal. Only engage her with respect to the kids and the divorce - calmly and respectfully but do not engage with her otherwise.

Expose the affair to everyone in the family and the POSOM's significant other or wife. Blow this up so she has nowhere to hide (not that she appears to be trying to hide it). You may be able to sue her employers for alienation of affection.

Start taking better care of yourself. Get fit, work out, buy new clothes, better haircut and become positive and upbeat. Put R out of your mind unless she raises it - then you can deal with it at the time (come here for advice).

Kick her sorry a$$ out!!!!

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 6:03 AM, March 21st (Monday)]

And I encourage you to continue going to meetings. The rooms of AA are filled with people who have faced this very situation. Go to some new meetings and be sure to share. It will not only reinforce your recovery but also has potential to bring new no-nonsense folks who have walked this walk into your life.

There is no middle ground. The marriage you thought you had is gone.

You need to file and you need support.

Get a good separation agreement signed for when her head is still in the clouds.

She took her wedding rings off and went to a club with him in Philly 2 weeks ago. He spends his weekends in clubs in South Jersey and Philadelphia promoting his rap label. She got home at 7:30 the next morning. I was cleaning the kitchen around noon the next day, and she walks upstairs and says "good morning", I don't say a word. She says "Oh, what, you're not talking to me now?" Has she lost her mind?? We haven't talked to each other in 2 weeks. She's angry with me at the way I'm acting, not talking to her.

Yep, she lost it. She won't file for divorce because she still needs you as a backup. Once the other guy option disappears, she will make life hard for you