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Put it this way. If you were to pick up the bottle again, would it be your WW's fault?

Lots of hurt between you. Do you think this is all it is for her, revenge? If so, how long will you let it play out? You are allowing her to do this because you feel guilty? Sorry that you are feeling so responsible. I think you are being too hard on yourself.

Whatever you decide to do and how to do it, please get tested for ALL STDs. Her behavior is pretty reckless right now.

I can't have a conversation with someone who won't be accountable for anything, will deflect all blame, manipulate, lie, conceal and hide things, etc.

Your words here. This is exactly why you don't invite your wife to marriage counseling. MC is for marriages. What you have is a wife who is deep in an affair and is only going to justify her actions by unloading on you. You deserve better than that.

Eventually when you get fed up with your wife having a boyfriend and treating you like she has been, you'll find your path out of your pain. I hope for you that comes soon. Being in the pain of self-induced limbo is hard - just read all the comments from people who have been there, done that.

We often think our situations are unique. After reading hundreds of thousands of posts here at SI, you begin to see that cheaters and cheating is not unique in any way, nor are relationships.

Your situation is not unique.

JM

You are getting advice from many different posters and from many different perspectives, just as you would from any forum. Some post very strongly worded advice (2 x 4's) and others are more subjective. Mostly this is due to their own experience and they still may be in the process of divorce or infidelity. Some here have reminded you to take the advice you deem helpful and ignore the others. Even if you don't agree with someone, they provide food for thought and their words may be appropriate in the future.

The 180 is primarily designed to reduce your dependence and connection to your partner. It also works well to let them know that it isn't "business as usual" give them a taste of what life will be like if they continue to pursue the path they're on. The 180 needs to be adjusted to each persons circumstance as needed. Some cheaters come out of the fog, admit their affair and ask to reconcile. Obviously you need to end the 180 and communicate. It's possible that in your case you need to break with the lack of communication on occasion when your wife offers to discuss the situation. Otherwise you're just sitting and waiting for her to break down and concede. I suspect that her anger and communication style prevents that from happening.

Your relationship hasn't changed since DDay and probably wont unless you talk to her. Personally I don't feel it is a breach of the 180 to discuss the relationship if the talk is constructive or informative. Breaching the 180 is going back to discussing everyday events and wishing her a good morning.

You are at a stalemate and anything that will move things along is constructive as long as you don't let your wife sway your opinion of how things stand. The way you have described her here makes me think that she doesn't have a clue how you feel or the position she has placed you in.

If I'm not mistaken, tonight you are planning on asking an attorney friend about your options. Please do this as it is vitally important that you arm yourself with information.

And as I suggested before, consider sharing about your situation during a meeting. I promise there will be useful feedback.

It's so depressing coming to this message board each day.

Yep. It is. Lots of pain moving about here.

I want so bad to expose my wife. My family knows, they're in shock. Her Mom passed away 10 years ago, and her dad is 82 with dimentia.

If the people at her work knew, it would ruin her career.

If the kids found out, they would have to be subjected to more pain, confusion, anger. I really don't want to put them through it.

And so, I stay quiet. Ruin her career? Put the kids through pain?

Keep that silver bullet for when you need it. Can't unring that bell.

It's like some cruel joke, isn't it! Protect the cheater or cause more damage... It's crazy the amount of shit they inflict on us.

I'm 2 years out and the pain has not eased up.

Your next step isn't exposure. You HAVE to see a qualified legal professional and ask the simple question "my wife has a boyfriend and I am unsure about her state of mind. How do I protect myself and my family financially?"

It's so depressing coming to this message board each day.

Yes, but... It is a wonderfully supportive, warm, and wise place to be.

I'd tell you things that I would not tell any of my 5 siblings.

Be strong, friend.

See a lawyer before something bad happens. You have no idea what your wife is going to do at this point, just the fact her language has changed like that, shows she is deep into the OM and the affair.

She is capable of doing anything. So you need to legally protect yourself and your family.

She texted me this morning that she would like to sit down to discuss how to go about dividing the property, and what to do about the kids.

I guess it's over.

She's making the biggest mistake of her life, leaving me for this guy.

I guess it's over.

((hugs)) I know this is hard for you. Hang in there.

Yes, she is. I can't help but think it is a blessing in disguise, though. She is off the deep end... and I don't think you would make the move to leave. You are paralyzed.

You can move on and heal. You don't want to be stuck in this...trust me. My H didn't do a quarter of the damage she is doing to you but I still have pain 2 YEARS OUT!

Please, just focus on you now.

[This message edited by Hg65 at 9:49 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday)]

It isn't necesarily over. Right now she likes the affair and it makes her happier than the marriage. But once the affair becomes her new normal, it may be very unappealing.

Either way, secure the best divorce for you as it gives you your best life and it also make it more appealing for her to return.

My wife gave up legal custody during her affair delusion. (Although we had a gentleman's agreement that we would share 50/50 once she was financially able to do so, and she could see the kids as much as she wanted in the interim). And after she snapped out of her fog..I think that the children became an important impetus for her to try to repair the marriage. So me getting custody was helpful in reestablishing a proper family for our kids. Fight for yourself, because you are the stable one at this time.

Yeah, she keeps texting me wanting to sit down to discuss the dividing of the property, the kids, etc.

I replied - "I'll need to talk to an attorney"

She said, "why would you hire an attorney so we both have to pay them and lose out? I just want to do this through Mediation. It's cheaper and better"

I said - "I feel safer working with an attorney with what I know"

She's not liking the way this is going. Now she's getting angry.

Should I blast her on why I'm "not playing nice", or just ignore her?