SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm here because I am in pain.

Maybe I should go, I don't know..

Brokenblackbird, no, you would be wrong. I've already stated I would rather her move on in her life without me if it meant getting the help she needed, as opposed to staying in the same situation.

OK, so you wouldn't rugsweep. Thats great news.

What would you do then, if your wife came home, said she dumped her boyfriend and put her wedding ring back on?

She is getting angry because your reaction to her affair is making her question her own morals. She probably cannot even rationalize it to herself, so she does the next best thing. Turn the anger on you. If she is angry at you, then you are at fault.

It is also likely that the rap guy isn;t giving her enough attention she thought she would get

Ah. JM. I missed this earlier in the thread. I was a friend of Bill W too. Sobriety was an A casualty. As was our case, yours sounds like you were living sober and your WW was not.

Be strong. What you've learned in the rooms will definitely help you; especially the Serenity Prayer.

Good luck.

JM you are doing GREAT. It may seem like you're getting a ton of advice from a billion different directions, but that is the shit sandwich that is infidelity.

Take a deep breath. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better.

I'm here because I am in pain.

We all tangibly feel it because it touches on our own stories that we've lived through. Oh, we so badly want to help. Everyone has their own perspective and ways of communicating, but please look at each response for the attempts to love and help that they are.

We are with you. We know how confusing it is and how it absolutely rips at the heart. Keep thinking and processing. Post all you want. I'm so sorry for what you are in the middle of. You aren't alone.

If your WW were 'on a bender' right now, what would the Alanon strategy be?

I feel like your wife's anger is like the standard response from alcoholics when you stop taking care of them and cleaning up after them.

JM, I'd like to add that I think some of the most pointed advice is probably not helpful even if the suggestions are good, because it probably sounds more like an angry mob and less like compassion for where you are right now. If that's the case, please consider: just like your emotions and pain are strong, for many of we're still living it even years down the road.

That said, there is a reason for the tone here. The pain you're feeling now? Lots of us made mistakes that extended that excruciating pain by months or years. The horrible crushing soul destroying torture was extended instead of abated.

So, when we see a poor BS like you saying and doing the same things we've done that only served to prolong the suffering, we cry out: "Please don't do what we did! Nothing good lies down that road!"

I know you hear other things from friends and family, but unless they've experienced this first hand and come out intact and happy, I wouldn't worry what they say -- because they just don't understand.

Here's the thing. By not filing for D, by allowing her to continue this lifestyle, you are shielding her from the consequences of her own actions. She will never hit *rock bottom* until she is forced to face herself. What is her impetus to change? Why would she seek the help she so desperately needs of everything in her life is just dandy?

OK, you love her. Do you love her enough to let her face her demons? In these co dependent situations, it's almost as if we are transformed into being a parent of our spouse and they, the rebellious teenager. At some point, we have to stop protecting them from thier choices. They need to grow up and face the world on thier own.

Strength

You are absolutely in the right place my friend. Take what you need leave the rest.

JM,

No, I am not telling you to go. Heaven forbid.

What I am saying is that you need to think about your situation and figure out why you are here in order to gauge whether you are getting the support you need.

If you need to deal with your wife sleeping around on you, and the state of your marriage, then this is the right place. However, if you need help with your wife's emotional state, I would recommend also reaching out to a medical professional. It's serious stuff and should not be treated lightly.

JM72, your wife is not so much in the fog that she would pick up a hot frying pan off the stove and just let it burn her. No way to manipulate that pan. She'd react.

Be the frying pan here. Be very, very clear on how you will behave, no surprises, and then carry through. It is what your WW needs right now. Clarity on what the responses are going to be to her actions. So she can make her decision. You are helping her in this case when you help yourself.

Toughest possible times, we know. If reading here gets you down, take a break.

Crushed - Thank you.

She knows I'm not tolerating her behavior, that's why I won't even talk to her, and that's why she is even more angry with me. There really is no point talking to her. I know it will end in deflecting, lies, manipulation. I deserve better.

And yet, I still love her. Not for the way she is treating me or the mid-life crisis she is going through, but the lifetime of memories. The vacations, the trips we took, all the good times.

I know she will crash and burn with this guy. She says she wants someone to take care of her, and then picks a player who parties all weekend.

I have been doing the 180. Go to meetings, take care of the kids, go to work, do the next right thing. She's acting out more and more because I won't engage her in what she's doing.

Brokenblackbird - what would I do if she came home, was remorseful, said she broke it off with him, and wanted to put the marriage back together?

Well, the first thing is tell her she needs to address her issues in what caused her to act this way in the first place. If not, there's no point working on the marriage, because it wouldn't work anyway. We would be in the same situation.

I can fix me, I can't fix her, and I can't work on or fix a marriage by myself.

Brokenblackbird - what would I do if she came home, was remorseful, said she broke it off with him, and wanted to put the marriage back together?

Well, the first thing is tell her she needs to address her issues in what caused her to act this way in the first place. If not, there's no point working on the marriage, because it wouldn't work anyway. We would be in the same situation.

I can fix me, I can't fix her, and I can't work on or fix a marriage by myself.

1. Immediate Individual Counselling with an IC approved by both you and her.

2. Complete and unconditional No Contact with her boyfriend. This may involve her resigning from her current position.

3. Complete and unconditional transparency, all passwords, phone access, etc.

4. Complete written timeline of the affair

5. Complete STD tests, including HIV test six months out. No unprotected sex until then.

And yet, I still love her.

THAT is exactly why this is incredibly difficult. Of course you do. It is why trying to move through this isn't just as reading some advice to divorce her and then doing it. There is a deep connection that has been fostered through years of being together.

Seeing your wife act this way is out of place with the image you have in your head and heart of her. It takes time to accept that she isn't the idealized person you believed her to be. It takes time to see that she has changed and that she is actually causing you harm. Some of us went through that process much, much faster than others. I'd venture to say that many of us, in hindsight, wish we had moved faster than we did. That is a big reason why you are getting prodded to move faster and to not delay in showing her that you won't take her disrespect.

To be perfectly open with you, it took me MONTHS to get to the point where I came to a point where my self-esteem recovered enough that I believed in my head and felt in my heart that I was worthy and deserved love and respect. It was my own codependence. I needed to face it and work through it before I was strong enough to do what was best for me and for my marriage. It wasn't until then that I knew that I would be OK regardless of the outcome and that I was willing to pull the trigger on divorce.

I'm concerned for the pain that you are in and for the ongoing abuse and disrespect you are being subjected to. I'd like to see you shorten the amount of time you are in the middle of this excruciating pain and that is where the advice you are receiving is coming from. However, I'm getting the sense that you aren't ready to take another step right now. If that is where you are at, I simply encourage you to dig in to why that is. Is it fear? Is it guilt? Do you believe that you are partially at fault? Is it shame? Answering that and working through it will be your immediate task before moving ahead.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 2:29 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

Crushed7, that story about your SIL was horrible but also very helpful to learn from for many here.

I just pray that your BIL (her husband) got out of the infidelity and found his peace. I couldn't live like that

I'm not even focusing on reconciliation right now. It's 50/50 on whether this marriage survives. I'll deal with that aspect if it comes to it.

The truth is, this is what she wanted. To take her rings off, see other people, say she wants a separation, and now she's angry at me because I ignore her and don't talk to her. She gets what she wants, then gets angry at me, I guess for "not fighting to keep her, or show her how much she means to me".

Any mental health professional, or normal thinking adult, would look at this situation and realize how out of wacky her thinking is.

And believe me, I use this forum to vent. When I go to my meetings, I try to keep the focus on me, on me getting better. It's not always easy, but I'm trying. I'm going through this emotional shit-storm and not picking up, so I'm doing something right.

I once dealt with someone who went to CrazyTown.

My take away from that was this: Nothing you say, nothing you tell them, nothing you point out to them will make the slightest difference in the world. It is an utter waste of time to try to reason with some who is in CrazyTown.

Here's some concerns I think you need to be aware of:

1. What will you do if your wife gets pregnant?

2. What about STD's or HIV?

3. What drugs is she taking? Crack? Meth?

4. What will you do if she brings the OM and his ghetto rats around to your children?

My advice is to see a lawyer and find out what your options are. You may be able to have full custody and her paying you child support. If she's gone Ghetto then that certainly will be the best option for your children.

Perhaps sit down with her and ask what she wants? An open marriage? Divorce? The OM move in and you move to the basement/attic?

The bottom line for me is you need to protect your children and yourself from this situation.

My sponsor, my therapist, everyone says - "you're gonna have to talk to her eventually".

I know I am, and I wish I could, but it's pointless right now. I can't have a conversation with someone who won't be accountable for anything, will deflect all blame, manipulate, lie, conceal and hide things, etc.

What's the point? She's wanted to talk a few times after she went out with the guy. She actually came up to me in the kitchen a few days after and gave me this sad look and said, "you're still not talking to me?" I just ignored her. I should have just said, "you hurt me, and you disrespected me. There's really nothing to talk about".

And yet, I know there are things to talk about.